Post by J Doe on Apr 29, 2018 6:28:19 GMT 8
www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/borderline-personality-disorder.htm
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
A Guide to Symptoms, Treatment, and Recovery
Picture yourself on shifting sands—the ground beneath your feet constantly changing and throwing you off balance, leaving you scared and defensive. That’s what it’s like to have borderline personality disorder (BPD). For people with BPD, almost everything is unstable: their relationships, their moods, their thinking, their behavior, and even their identity. It’s a frightening and painful way to live. But there is hope. There are effective BPD treatments and coping skills that can help you feel better and back in control of your thoughts, feelings, and actions.
What is borderline personality disorder (BPD)?
If you have borderline personality disorder (BPD), you probably feel like you’re on a rollercoaster—and not just with your emotions or relationships, but your sense of who you are. Your self-image, goals, and even your likes and dislikes may change frequently in ways that feel confusing and unclear.
People with BPD tend to be extremely sensitive. Some describe it as feeling like an exposed nerve ending. Small things can trigger intense reactions. And once upset, you have a hard time calming down. It’s easy to understand how this emotional volatility and inability to self-soothe leads to relationship turmoil and impulsive—even reckless—behavior. When you’re in the throes of overwhelming emotion, you’re unable to think straight and stay grounded. You may say hurtful things or act out in dangerous or inappropriate ways that make you feel guilty and ashamed later on. It’s a painful cycle that can feel impossible to escape. But it’s not.
In the past, many mental health professionals had trouble treating borderline personality disorder (BPD), so they came to the mistaken conclusion that there was little to be done. But we now know that BPD is treatable. In fact, the long-term prognosis for BPD is better than those for depression and bipolar disorder. However, it requires a specialized approach. Bottom line: most people with BPD can and do get better—and they can do so fairly rapidly with the right treatments and support.
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www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/borderline-personality-disorder-bpd/
When is it diagnosed?
You might be given a diagnosis of BPD if you experience at least five of the following things, and they've lasted for a long time or have a big impact on your daily life:
You feel very worried about people abandoning you, and would do anything to stop that happening.
You have very intense emotions that last from a few hours to a few days and can change quickly (for example, from feeling very happy and confident to suddenly feeling low and sad).
You don't have a strong sense of who you are, and it can change significantly depending on who you're with.
You find it very hard to make and keep stable relationships.
You feel empty a lot of the time.
You act impulsively and do things that could harm you (such as binge eating, using drugs or driving dangerously).
You often self-harm or have suicidal feelings.
You have very intense feelings of anger, which are really difficult to control.
When very stressed, you may also experience paranoia or dissociation.
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The things that USED TO be given as symptoms of BPD but have recently been minimsed or have disappeared:
Choosing a partner based on what the person could do for them, including elevating their social status, advance their career, choosing someone who was wealthy.
Being jealous of and competitive with other females, including their own daughters. A common behaviour of BPD mothers was to make their daughters look unattractive, so they would not be a threat to male attention. This usually began when their daughters were around 7. They would not let them brush hair, teeth, bathe or put on clean clothes before school. They would urge their daughters to bring home male schoolmates who they would disparage their daughter to, and flirt with.
Constant lying
Extremely manipulative
Constant Victimhood: No matter what terrible thing they did to someone, they would walk away feeling wronged and sorry for themselves.
Could not be single. But also would not do the work needed to hold a relationship together.
Used sex as a tool and a weapon; to get what they wanted, control, punish, blackmail etc.
Were addicted to the kind of sex other people would find risky, wrong, or disgusting.
Always needed to be the centre of attention; were addicted to the spotlight.
Could never be wrong. Could never accept fault or blame for anything
Inflexible, black and white thinking
Extremely shallow, materialistic, and superficial.
Chronic insecurity and low self esteem that led to over reactions, being thin skinned, quick to take offence, grudge holding, and wildly out of proportion anger or despair.
Rage if they didn't get their way.
Character assassination of their "enemies".
Extremely controlling in relationships.
CANNOT be happy. Desperately wanted something/ one as this was the answer to everything, until they got them, then they were the same let down as everyone/ thing else.
Had little insight into themselves and so would carry out the same wrong/ self defeating behaviours over and over, being suprised each time, when it didn't work out.
Always needed centrality. Everything had to be about them. And if it couldn't be about them in a positive way; (everybody envies me, wishes they were, I have all the attention, power and control), then everything was about them in a negative way (everybody is against me, out to get me, it's so unfair....poor little victim me).
Although it says above "worried about people abandoning you," it (and the other sites) make it sound like only fear drives this behaviour. But previously it was acknowledged they also had massive ego's which meant they would react with rage if someone left or tried to leave, and would seek revenge on the one who had "betrayed" them with abandonment.
Above it says "You have very intense emotions that last from a few hours to a few days," and most sites now say this. Previously they used to say these intense moods lasted minutes. The BPD would be raging at you like you had committed murder, for burning the toast one minute, and sobbing how much they loved you the next. This caused chronic stress for those living with them and left them always feeling like they were standing on ground that shifted constantly under their feet. This info would have been based on talking to BPD's and/ or those who had to interact with them. So how have brain scans changed this?
The suicide rate for BPD's was 8% but it was thought most of these deaths were accidents as the borderline had not intended to die, but to manipulate someone else. Now not mentioned as a motive on most of these new/ image management pages.
It should be noted that not every BPD has every symptom. And the severity of the symptoms differs also.
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In my readings about criminal psychology, true crime, and advice columns, I saw some other behaviours BPD's carried out over and over and over, even though they were not listed anywhere as typical BPD. Eventually I added them to my own list of BPD behaviours, and things to guard against. I am going to list them here.
1. BPD's have a true predator's sense of weakness or vulnerability in another. They would then approach the person, "mirror" them to quickly build a false closeness, get into a relationship with them, then the real person would come out. One of the most common examples of this was the BPD who would approach a man bruised by an unhappy childhood or his parents divorce, tell him they didn't believe in divorce and would never do it; then the real abusive BPD could come out once they were married/ had kids.
2. Another of the most common behaviours was to play "damsel in distress," knowing that many (most?) men would go charging in to save her. I have seen this behaviour destroy so many males and it sickens me. It MUST be pointed out to them as a pattern before they end up blowing up their own life or even in prison because of their need to "save" someone who never needed saving. Who was the ruthless shark to their minnow.
3. When married men were caught having an affair, they would often turn on their heartbroken wives with rage; accusing the wife of never having loved them, of having abused them. Where did all this anger come from? The new beliefs about the wife? How could they behave so viciously in the divorce; doing everything they could to destroy her or leave her destitute? How could they suddenly try or succeed in killing her? They weren't all previously violent. Where do you think it came from?
4. BPD's were drawn to particular careers; teachers, psychologists/ therapists and sex workers (I actually did read in mainstream media from a doctor/ researcher that most strippers are BPD).
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No on can make a man feel loved, wanted, special, like a borderline. A man can be perfectly happy in his relationship till he meets her. Then he realises "Hey I've been unhappy all along! I never knew what love was until now!" But the truth about BPD women is they hate men and they hate sex (they are legendary for doing anything in the bedroom). Most grew up in abusive situations and spend a lifetime using sex as a currency and punishing the men they get involved with (once he is enmeshed) for what happened to them as kids.
The wild sex will last until she has him out of his relationship. Once they are married, she is pregnant, or he is otherwise trapped, her masks will fall away. Although there are some who are too disordered to even hold it together this long, most men will still stay.
Learn to recognise them. Read of the lives they've destroyed until if one ever comes up to you, you are repulsed and tell her in no uncertain terms to get away from you. This applies to women as much as men since they too can be fooled by the initially charismatic borderline and befriend her, only learning she was never a friend when she runs off with the womans husband.
Don't just learn what these people act like. Learn that this is how the mind control is designed to make YOU behave: constant drama, constant chaos, instability, lies, feuds.
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Here I am going to add letters from advice columns from/ about a BPD or someone with BPD traits. I wanted to keep adding new letters to the top so you wouldn't have to scroll down, but the post would be longer than allowed. So apologies but you will have to scroll; it's worth it.
Often people complain in advice column comments about these letters. "They're all the same!" "I can't read one more letter about a bridezilla or woman who blames her daughter in law for the son who never contacts her anymore!" But that is the point. People are herd animals and do the same few things over and over. Learn to spot red flags and get away before the person can do you real harm.
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How Do You Stop a Witch Hunt?: Recently I told my fiancée, Carrie, that as a very young child I “played doctor” with Leigh, a close family friend my age. Our parents caught us, lectured us, and we outgrew the game. Now the idea of seeing Leigh naked is laughable, as she’s like a sister to me. Carrie freaked out when I told her about playing doctor, insisting it was abnormal and wrong. I’d told her Leigh instigated the game, and although Leigh didn’t force me to do anything, Carrie has decided Leigh preyed upon me. She’s livid over this perceived abuse; I’m sick at the thought she might confront Leigh or smear her to mutual friends. She won’t listen to my protestations that Leigh did nothing wrong. I don’t know how to diffuse this situation or what to tell people (especially Leigh).
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DEAR ABBY: I have been with my husband for 19 years. I offered his plumbing services to a married couple I work with. While he was fixing the problem, he became friendly with their adult daughter. She was lonely and I knew the family, so I wasn't concerned. Their relationship developed into something more and we separated. He ended their friendship and we reconciled. Things were going great, but she continued to contact him. He has suddenly decided he can't live without her friendship and has decided to divorce me in order to continue it with her. He swears it's platonic, but something he can't live without. He hopes we can "still be friends"! My question is how to move on from this. I have to see her enabling parents every day at work, and all of this happened under their roof. I feel betrayed on every level, especially by my husband, who was my best friend. Every aspect of my life, including my job, has been affected. Have you any advice for moving past this without all of the anger I carry? I don't want to leave my job. It pays well and the commute is easy. But every time I see either one of the parents, I want to cry and scream. P.S. My husband and I still live together as "roommates," as this is all very recent, and we haven't figured out our living arrangements yet.
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My mother abused my dying father, withholding medicine and food, as well as verbally, such that he didn’t say when he soiled himself in order to avoid her abuse as others changed him. The list goes on. I moved in with them for the last six weeks to try and protect him. Authorities and other family members were aware of the situation. I don’t seem to be able to forgive and forget when it comes to my mother, unlike the rest of the family. Now, most of the family wants little to nothing to do with me because I’ve cut ties with mother. It’s coming to a head, as I’ve been told my presence at a longstanding family vacation would make others uncomfortable wondering what could happen with Mom and I both in attendance. I’m suffering. I’ve lost my father and a lot of my family at the same time. Do I once again make peace with my manipulative, lying, abusive, and narcissistic mother at my own personal cost so I can have my family back? Or do I keep my ties with her broken? And, yes, I’m in counseling and have asked some family to join me with no takers.
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My older sister has no relationship with our other siblings, a strained relationship with our mother, and strained relationships with her two sons. One of her sons is getting married next year, which is bringing out all kinds of stress, tension, and drama. My sister has a hard time understanding the need for boundaries in relationships, especially with the son who is getting married. This is her pattern: She’s nice. You inevitably disappoint her. She lashes out. It’s like Lucy with the football. From time to time, her youngest son pulls back, leaving her distraught and threatening to skip the wedding, and most recently she has been threatening suicide. I listen, I try to empathize. I try to reassure her that all is not as bad as it seems. I tell her to go talk to a therapist, to go see a doctor to change her prescription, to read a self-help book. But I cannot help my sister find self-awareness. I cannot get her to realize the role she plays in this mess. I have no idea whether her threats of suicide are legitimate cries for help or attempts at manipulation. I really don’t know what to do. What should my role be? I feel like I’m not helping. I’m afraid I’m going to get a call one day that she’s taken her own life.
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My mother-in-law’s house in under threat of foreclosure after she used her home as collateral to bail her youngest son out of jail. He’d killed a man in a fight and then fled the state as soon as he was able. He stayed with his sister until she found his stash of drugs in her home and kicked him out. He then moved back in with his mother, who stopped speaking to my sister-in-law. My mother-in-law is always making excuses for her “baby,” and it’s killing my husband. My husband is the oldest child and has been taking care of his mother since he was 19, when his father died of a heart attack. I am not very fond of my mother-in-law. She once berated my husband for not rebuilding her broken fence after he had back surgery, but won’t stir to wake up her “baby” before noon. I received a large inheritance after my grandfather died, which I consider the beginnings of a retirement nest egg and a college fund for our daughter—everything my husband and I have worked for. My mother-in-law will not be destitute if she loses the house. My sister-in-law is willing to take her in, although it would mean my mother-in-law would have to move out of the state, and my good-for-nothing brother-in-law would not be able to keep leeching off of his mother. My husband agrees with me in his more rational moments, but it is very hard to be rational when your mother is sobbing on the phone about losing the home you grew up in. I can’t see anything good coming from wasting what my grandfather gave me. Even if we spend the money to save the house now, my brother-in-law is going to come crawling back in and destroy everything. And my mother-in-law will welcome him with open arms. How do I make my husband see this?
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DEAR ABBY: My close friend of 20 years, "Martha," recently obtained her real estate license. She went to work for an agency out in the suburbs about an hour from my home. When I decided to sell my house, I listed it with a large agency that specializes in my neighborhood, with an agent I have also known for 20 years who happens to live a few blocks away. When Martha heard about it, she went ballistic because I didn't list with her. She said it was a slap in her face. I tried to explain that listing my home with an agency out of the area that doesn't "work" this neighborhood or advertise in the local newspaper made no sense. Now I have lost a friend. Was I wrong to list with the best agency -- which, by the way, sold my home in 10 days? Or should I have listed with Martha on the chance that the right buyer might happen to find my home for sale?
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DEAR ABBY: I am not a pretty woman, and I'm certainly not photogenic. Over the years I have been in numerous pictures -- some with family members, some alone on special occasions. When my family has get-togethers with other family members and/or friends, my mother always brings photographs that show me in the most unflattering poses or circumstances. I have told her this is hurtful and asked her to please stop. She says I'm a "poor sport" and that people aren't laughing at me, just at the picture. I'm tired of being laughed at, and after 50 years, I think she should stop making me feel bad. Why does she do this, and do you think I'm just a poor sport?
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DEAR ABBY: I'm a new husband, and things I thought I could tolerate before we were married are really bugging me now. I raised a daughter with another woman, and my current wife deleted every picture of her -- from sonograms to her second birthday -- and won't let me keep anything of hers. I understand she wants our lives to be about us, but I try to keep it separate and the resentments are starting to fester. I'd confront her, but she's pregnant and has been extra emotional about me even leaving for work. What do I do? Should I wait eight more months for the baby and then say something? I'm afraid I will snap before then.
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Dear Abby: I have been divorced for eight years. My ex-husband has always been an attentive father to our 11-year-old son. Last year, after a second divorce, my ex hooked up with a 21-year-old ex-stripper. She is a clingy, lazy gold-digger. My son detests this female. She tags along for every father/son event and refuses to stay at home even when my ex drives our boy back and forth for visitation. Our son's birthday is coming up, and I am throwing him a party. He really wants his dad there -- but not his dad's girlfriend. His dad doesn't want to hurt her feelings, and I don't want to cause any scenes. How can I resolve this?
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I'm in my mid-20s and in a wonderful relationship of two years with a man I love more than I thought possible. Before him, I was in a terrible relationship with an older man for almost four years. That relationship was primarily sexual. It was also emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. I got counseling and thought I was over it. My grandfather, whom I was very close with, died recently, and I was unable to travel to my family's home at the time of his death. My boyfriend was also out of town. I sought comfort in the worst possible place, with my ex. I feel terrible and will never cheat again. That night, I lost a pair of diamond earrings my mother had given me. I was overjoyed when my ex texted me that he found them. I said I'd pick them up, but his condition was that we have sex. I refused, and he said that he would mail them. It's been over a month. I haven't gotten the earrings, and he hasn't responded to calls, texts, or e-mails. The earrings have sentimental value, but I don't want to compromise myself or my relationship for them. What should I do?
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Dear Prudie,
My sister is a pathological liar with a criminal record for child abuse and a history of creating chaos wherever she goes. When I was young, she regularly verbally and physically abused me. I left home at 16 just to get away from her, even though I had to drop out of school to do it. My sister was just as abusive to her four children, all of whom have been removed from her "care." Three years ago, I cut myself free from her. I told my parents I would no longer speak to or be around her. Because I refuse to be drawn into endless conversations about her with my parents, my relationship with them is better than ever. This has been hard, as they've never acknowledged what she did to me. I'm going to visit my parents for the first time since I stopped speaking to her. My mother gave my sister my e-mail address, and she's e-mailed me "wanting to make peace." My gut instinct is to ignore her, but I know this will upset my mother, who is hoping for a reconciliation. I could write and tell her I do not want any contact, but it will just cause yet another scene. What should I do?
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DEAR ABBY: I recently found out my daughter has been having an affair with her sister's husband. This will tear our family apart. It will also have a huge impact on my grandchildren. I have not yet told my wife, who will be devastated, but I'm having trouble carrying this burden alone. I feel they should be held accountable. Should I look the other way, or make them responsible for their actions, knowing the hell it will create?
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DEAR AMY: I'm an older man and have been married for a long time. It is not a "terrific" marriage, but I've lived with it for so long that I'm just used to it. a few years ago I met a single woman. One thing led to another, and we spent the night together. I've carried on a sort-of relationship with this woman, and she's now demanding I drop my wife to be with her. Based on things she has said, I know she's only after my money. I also know she's sleeping with other men. I want to get her out of my life, but she has threatened to tell my wife everything if I don't "get my act" together. I've tried everything I can think of without making her mad enough to do it (I honestly don't know if she would or not). I can't come clean; it would kill my wife (her health is poor). I know I'm a stupid jerk for getting into this, but I've never done this before and feel so guilty about it. I need help.
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DEAR AMY: I have been friends with “Jackie” for years. We are both single moms and get lonely for affection from the opposite sex. Jackie has been chasing after married men. There was one man who lived quite a distance away she would go visit. She even got her daughter attached to him. This man is married with kids of his own! I have told her that he will not leave his wife for her. She said she knows this and doesn’t care. She came to me a few weeks ago to tell me she had met someone else, and that he lives in our city. I was so excited for her and knew this is what she needed. Now I’ve learned it is her best friend’s husband! I am floored. I told her that going after her friend’s husband is the ultimate betrayal and that she should stop now before she destroys that family. She says she knows this but isn’t going to do anything about it. To be very honest, when I am ready to date again, I don’t know if I could ever trust her around my partner. I can’t listen to her talk about him or ask advice about him. I can barely look at her now! Please help. What can I do to make her see what she is doing is wrong? She is a great friend, but this is now making me question our friendship. I know she is insecure and craving attention.
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Dear Amy: Last year, my husband had a brief affair with a woman who is the widow of his friend. My husband came to me, told me of the affair, expressed guilt, admitted everything and asked me to forgive him after ending it. I was devastated. However, my husband has been honest, attended counseling with me, continues to apologize for his inadequacies and supports me daily with trying to deal with this issue and build trust back into our marriage. This other woman lives in our town. She was very manipulative and threw herself at my husband until their brief affair. Now that it is over, she makes it a point to attend the same events we do. Prior to their affair, she was never this social. She positions herself to sit near us. We move around, and she moves around, following us. This infuriates me. My husband and I are moving on with our marriage, and working hard to do so, but at every event there she is, putting herself out there on purpose. Do you have any suggestions, other than for us to sit home?
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Dear Ann Landers: Your column saying AIDS made you reverse your decision about telling a friend her spouse was having an affair got my attention. You say wives usually know when their husbands are unfaithful, but I'm not sure I have the "affair antenna" you insist women should have. You then go one step further and say that victims who claim they "didn't know" are in a state of denial or "not playing with a full deck." Now, according to you, not only have we been cheated on, but we are also dumb and ditzy. My world came crashing down when I learned my husband had an affair with someone I considered a good friend. It turned out that her husband didn't have a clue, either. Trying to come to grips with my husband's infidelity, I finally realized that I did not cause the problem and that I had no control over what he did. He was going to cheat whether I was "in tune" with him or not. I'm convinced that real friends should tell when the spouse is having an affair -- they perform a valuable service when they do, and you should encourage it. I wish someone had told me sooner. It would have saved me a lot of heartache. What is your latest stand on this? Should a person tell a man or woman that his or her mate is cheating?
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Dear Ann Landers: I work in an office with several other secretaries. Most of us are efficient and hard-working. There is very little friction. One among us, however, is almost always late getting in, and when she does arrive, she eats her breakfast at her desk, reads the newspaper and proceeds to make several personal phone calls, which is against company regulations. I am not the only one who is bothered by this woman's disregard for the rules, but nobody wants to say anything to the boss because we are not sure what their relationship is. I have a hunch, as do several others, that their relationship is extremely friendly. We would appreciate some guidance, since things are fast approaching the boiling point.
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Dear Amy: My mother died unexpectedly last year after battling several diseases that had become increasingly incapacitating to her. When my two sisters and I were grieving together, we began talking and putting together pieces of a puzzle, and determined that our father had been involved in an affair with a woman from our church. This woman was supposedly a friend of our mother's. We now know that Mom knew about this for several years. My sisters and I confronted our father and told him that we knew of his indiscretions, and that we weren't interested in any "blended" family relationship with her and her (grown) children. Dad admitted that they had been in love for several years but kept their relationship (supposedly) hidden because of us. Once Mom was gone, after a few months my dad began "dating" this woman openly and even attending church with her. Dad sold the family home and has already moved in with her. They decided to get married; the wedding is very soon -- barely a year after Mom's death. She plans a big wedding and reception. All of us are extremely uncomfortable with this; I told Dad that they should just go to Las Vegas and get married and not make a big deal out of it. But he said she wants a "public" wedding, and they are determined to do this. They act as though the affair never happened and that everything is just peachy. We can't believe that they are so dense about how everyone feels about it. Every time I am around her now, I can't help but think that some of Mom's depression and health issues were cause by all of this. How am I supposed to respond? We don't even want to go to the wedding; it makes it seem as if we are somehow validating the adultery, and I feel as if I'm spitting on my Mom's grave. What do you suggest?
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Dear Cheryl: I'm a 26-year-old male with a major problem. I met my ex-fiance over the Internet in 2003. She's from Texas; I'm from Pennsylvania. After about a year of e-mails, etc., I proposed while she was visiting me. I agreed to move down to Texas to pursue the relationship. Well, time went by and the relationship progressed. Then I went home for a week in September, and she cheated on me. Now, I'm very depressed. My life is on a downward spiral. I try to get in touch with her, but I don't want to seem obsessive. How can I forget about her and stop contacting her? How can I avoid the pain and the thoughts of her and what she's doing?
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DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 25 years. My husband, "Frank," and I have four children. Over the years our relationship became rocky -- almost toxic. Frank is an alcoholic, verbally abusive and a manipulator. (I admit I'm no angel, either.) Eight months ago, I had an affair with a former boyfriend I dated before I was married, and we got caught. Frank planted a tape recorder in my car, hacked my phone and read my texts on his phone. He threw me out of the house, my belongings placed in black garbage bags. My boyfriend has divorced his wife, moved here and has made a life and a future for us. He has sacrificed a lot for me, and I feel bad that I'm thinking about going back to Frank. I miss my home and family. Frank begs me to return every day. He claims he has stopped drinking and changed his ways. He wants us to go to counseling and promises to be a better husband if I give him another chance. I'm scared, but a little piece of me wants to see if it's true. I have heard stories about how men can't change, that it will be worse if I go home and I'll be in a sort of jail and have no freedom. Please help me.
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Dear Ann Landers: A lot has been written in your column over the years about married couples who cheat on their mates, but nobody seems to give much thought to the effect this has on the children. People involved in extramarital affairs must face the fact that eventually their children will find out. To the woman who is content to let her husband have an affair--what message is she sending her children? Simply this: Status and security are more important than fidelity in a marriage and you are willing to pretend you don't know and would rather put up with it than rock the boat. A year ago, our family crumbled when our teenagers and I found out that my husband had been having an affair for almost two years with a woman I believed was a very good friend. The hurt and sorrow in my children's eyes was unbearable. I told my husband he could have his freedom if he wanted it. His response was "No. I must have been crazy. My family means more to me than anything." Now, a year later, we are still struggling to put the pieces back together. Our counselor says our marriage may be stronger than ever because of what happened, but it will take a long time before I will be able to trust him again. Even worse, my husband knows he is no longer the apple of his daughter's eye and that he will never again be a role model his sons can be proud of. When I asked my husband if what he got out of his affair was worth what he had lost, he said, "Not by a long shot." Too bad he didn't ask himself that question before he jumped into bed with my best friend.
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DEAR ABBY: My husband's brother and his wife live next door to us. Until recently, we were all best friends. My sister-in-law and I did everything together. Not long ago, she accused me of doing something that she later found out I had not done. Even after finding this out, she has not apologized for accusing me. We were best friends for nine years, but now she won't even look in my direction. I am hurt that she accused me before she got the facts, and angry that she never bothered to apologize. How should I handle this? Can we still be friends?
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DEAR ABBY: For the past six years, my husband and I have vacationed in Florida, where our friends "Myrtle" and "Gary" share their home with us for a week. We aren't moochers; we buy groceries, pay for their meals when we eat out, and drive our car when we go places. This year, however, something strange happened. Myrtle came to the breakfast table wearing only a transparent lace nightgown. Nothing was left to the imagination. This happened twice, but since my husband and I were guests in their home, I was reluctant to suggest that she wear a robe. Perhaps she meant nothing by it, but she made other subtle passes at my husband during our stay. I kept quiet because I feared that if I objected or made a scene, the vacation would be ruined for everyone. My husband was also taken aback by Myrtle's bold display. Neither of us can imagine why she behaved this way after all our years of friendship. What should I have done? And what should I do if she repeats this seductive behavior next year?
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DEAR ABBY: A few months ago, my husband passed away. I have a little money, but not a lot. My 40-year-old, twice-divorced daughter wants me to help her buy a house. She has never been able to manage her money. She told me that if I didn't give her $50,000 for the house, I could forget her visiting me or helping me in any way. I offered to loan her $20,000 for the down payment, but she turned that down and demanded the larger sum as a gift. Abby, I am 69 years old and must provide for myself, and $50,000 is a lot of money. What should I do?
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DEAR ABBY: I have a 26-year-old daughter who has been living with me for more than a year. She and her boyfriend, who is 30, both have jobs. However, they don't pay bills or buy food. My utility bills are sky-high because they use a lot of electricity for video games, their computer and sound-surround systems. My daughter has two sons, 6 and 10; I have custody of the 10-year-old, "Adam." I am trying to give Adam a better life with security. I don't want my grandsons to hate me, but I am feeling very used. When I say anything, my daughter gets mad at me and tells the 6-year-old that I don't love them and I'm making them move. Of course, this makes Adam mad at me because I am "breaking up the family." I have given them deadlines to move, and they tell me they can't wait to get out -- but they're still here. I have told them I will move and they can live here and pay my mortgage. They tell me they hate it here. I love my daughter, Abby, but I am really at the end of my rope. By the way, she's expecting another baby in July. What should I do? I'm afraid I may have to do something legal. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last week, my boyfriend and I took his teenage daughter to a major league baseball game with seats in a corporate suite. As with most suites, the food and drink were complimentary. We arrived before the game and were able to enjoy several different types of ballpark food—nachos, hamburgers, hot dogs, etc. My boyfriend's daughter helped herself to a few things, one of which was a hot dog roll—just the roll, no hot dog. While I thought this odd, it was no big deal. About 20 minutes after that, she went back to the buffet and took two more rolls and ate them both! After the game, I mentioned to my boyfriend that I thought this was inappropriate, given that the rolls were there to accompany the hot dogs and that most of the other suite guests had not arrived yet and therefore had not had a chance to get food. He felt that as a guest in the suite, she was entitled to whatever she wanted and however much she wanted. And he said that there was no formal etiquette rule to address this. What do you think?
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What do you do when values clash? I know it's up to my husband and me to set the standards in our house, and we always have, but we now have a problem. Our teenage son (17) has started going out with his first girlfriend. He badgers us to let her stay overnight in our house, but we've said no and explained that as long as he is in high school, we don't approve of having him bring home girlfriends overnight. There were a few tantrums in which we were accused of "living in the 19th century" and then a long period of the silent treatment. Meanwhile, he has found a way around the problem. His girlfriend's parents offer to let him stay with them overnight, anytime. We feel they are encouraging our son to disregard the values in our family—something he is very happy to do—and are very upset about their interference. I think we should approach the girlfriend's family about it, but my husband is against that.
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I recently reviewed my credit report and was alarmed to find several high-balance, delinquent credit card accounts I hadn't opened. I’m certain they were opened by my mother. She has never been financially responsible. When my father died she had to get a job and has always resented it. She spends profligately in order to "feel rich.” When I was growing up, we often lacked for necessities while she bought new cars and pricey clothes. Because she raised me alone I've always felt very protective of her. She and my stepfather have now fallen on hard times, and at her request I drained my life savings to help pay her mortgage. She claimed she would repay me, but hasn’t. I have barely enough to put gas in my car, but I felt that she would do the same for me. Now, seeing that she's been ruining my credit for years, I feel betrayed and furious. I struggled to put myself through school and get where I am today. I love my mother but I need my identity, and money, back. To sue her would ruin her. I don’t even know how to bring the subject up, and I’m sure she would deny everything. How do I call her out and start undoing the damage?
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Bowing Down at the Altar of DeBeers: I am seeing a wonderful woman and I love her very much. We have reached the point in our relationship where marriage comes up as a regular topic of conversation. During one of these discussions, I shared with her the exciting (to me) news that my parents have saved an engagement/wedding combination ring for me to give to my future bride. It is a lovely ring and has a fair amount of familial history. While my girlfriend has no qualms with the style of the ring, she objects to the metal of the setting. Traditional gold is evidently out for her; white gold or platinum only will do. I have further been informed that as I go out and purchase a new ring, a "three-months' worth of your salary" standard is now appropriate. Given that I already have a lovely ring in my possession, the purchase of such an extravagant piece of jewelry rubs me the wrong way, particularly when the "tradition" of diamond engagement rings was created by DeBeers within the past century to begin with. I don't want to disappoint the woman that I love, but the thought of spending the money I could use toward our future together on a piece of compressed carbon is objectionable. Can you offer any advice on how to handle this situation?
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DEAR ABBY: I need to know if I should forgive my husband, "Kurt," or move on and start over. I had been married 26 years when Kurt called me one day at work to say he no longer knew how he felt about me. I was speechless. At first, I thought he was joking, but it went from bad to worse, and he asked for a divorce. He became verbally and emotionally abusive after that and moved out for a while. Then we reconciled. Everything was OK until a well-meaning friend called and told me Kurt had been involved with the office slut for more than a year. When I confronted him, he lied, he cried, and then he spilled his guts. I get sick thinking of the way Kurt treated me. He abandoned me for her like I was a weekend fling. He took money from us to support her, because she was "all alone and needed someone to help her out" -- all the while telling me that at age 44, I needed to learn to take care of myself! (I am a college graduate with a full-time job.) My feelings for my husband have changed since I learned the truth. Had I known about the affair, I don't think I would have reconciled with him. What I thought was a midlife crisis turned out to be a true betrayal -- but where do I go from here? Since Kurt has returned home, I have been the "queen" in his life. He is truly a different person. He says he's sorry; however, I'm not sure if he's sorry he cheated or sorry he got caught. What do you think? --
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DEAR ABBY: "Steve" and I have been married for three years. I'm 37 and Steve is 30. Steve told me right off the bat that he did not want children. (I was ambivalent.) Recently I asked him to get a vasectomy as some of his friends have done, because I'm tired of the cost of the pill as well as its side effects, and a vasectomy is easier than female sterilization. Steve absolutely refused even to discuss it with me, much less with a counselor. Abby, now I'm worried that in a few years down the line he could divorce me and have children with a younger woman, but I'd be too old to get married again and have children. Is Steve just using me for sex and companionship until he reaches the financial peak of his career? I am considering getting pregnant "accidentally" so that even if we got divorced, I'd have some child support coming in. What should I do?
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DEAR ABBY: This is the first time I have ever sat down and written to you, although I often wonder what your thoughts would be on various matters. I have a good friend named "Don." Don's wife, "Susan," is the problem. Every time we get together, she tries to impress people and acts superior. She does it in subtle ways, but my wife always ends up feeling somehow inadequate when the evening is over. Susan talks a lot about money and has hinted to her parents about "early inheritance" many times. For the most part, she will associate only with people who are at least as well off as she is. And when she meets people who are wealthy, she sticks to them like glue. Don and Susan are having serious marital problems. I have seen her in action. She has a terrible temper and has been known to throw a phone or two. Also, she's the most shallow person I've ever met. How does someone get like this? My wife has told me that she can no longer stomach Susan. I understand her objections to Susan's value system, but I fear if we refuse their invitations, Don will be hurt. Some of our other friends stopped seeing them years ago. I know Don would be puzzled if I started inviting him alone. My wife thinks I should level with Don and tell him, "The girls don't have much in common." We agreed we would abide by your advice.
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DEAR ABBY: I've been seeing "Fred" for five years and have been in love with him for four. Recently, I left my husband, then Fred and I moved in together. Everything is perfect except for one flaw. Fred got a girl pregnant. He told me he didn't love her and wanted her to get an abortion, but she thought that he would marry her for the sake of the baby. He claims he told her up front that he didn't love her, but she had the baby anyway. They named him "Sammy." We have Sammy two days a week. I don't want the child around, but I'm afraid if I tell Fred how I feel, he will leave me. He seems fond of the boy even though he didn't want him in the beginning. Abby, it's getting harder and harder for me to be civil to this child. I wish Fred would give up his custody rights and just visit his son once in a while. Fred and I truly love each other, but it is impossible for me to accept Sammy, and I hate it that Fred sees his son's mother when necessary. Abby, how can I get Fred to give Sammy up?
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Dear Annie: My sister, "Jackie," has multiple children with multiple men. She has been using government assistance for the past 10 years. She tells her caseworker that she's unemployed and lives with her kids, when she actually lives with her current boyfriend and has three different jobs that pay cash. Jackie was recently charged with fraud and was denied this month's benefits and fined for the benefits she received over the past five months. Now she, her boyfriend and her children want to move in with my husband and me because they can't afford their bills. My husband and I have been married less than a month. We need some time alone together. How do I tell Jackie no?
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Q. Abusive sibling … abusive adult?: My sister was pretty terrible to me growing up. She beat me up a lot because she was bigger, but she never touched my brother because he was bigger. I have memories of her punching me, smashing my head into a wall, clawing, and other violent outbursts. For example, if I accidentally bumped into her, she’d punch me in the head and shoulders. She would also make a show of pretending to hit me and only being satisfied if I’d flinch. My sister only stopped when we matched each other in size. Now that I have a child, I’m unsure how to handle my sister’s desire to spend time alone with my daughter. My sister sincerely enjoys my brother’s children, but she doesn’t have a history of violence with him. With me, she either doesn’t remember all that stuff happened or she thinks I’m overly sensitive or I’m making everything up. What do I do? We’re not close anyway, although my sister thinks we’re the best of friends. My inclination is to say no, but I know if I do that, it’ll lead to yet another emotional confrontation, and my parents will be upset.
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Dear Miss Manners--What is the right response when someone insults your intelligence by telling you something that is obviously not true? For example, my girlfriend left a letter under the door of my room saying she was going to her parents' house because her mother wanted "to talk to her about something." My handyman told me that when she left she was wearing a sexy top. Her parents live a couple hours away. She does not own a car, so it's improbable that she would have made it to work the following morning, yet when I stopped by her office, her boss said she went out to lunch. Also, she just started her job, and I am still supporting her until her first paycheck at the end of the month. I know she did not have money for the trip. Is there a snappy answer that would demonstrate to her that I am no fool? We have an open relationship; it's not that I am jealous, but I don't want to be lied to so blatantly. I cannot dump her at the moment because she is pregnant, and my family would like me to take part in raising the child.
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DEAR ABBY: I am recently divorced and now seeing a wonderful woman who is pretty much everything I was looking for except for a couple of issues, which concern going out to eat -- which we do often. Not once has she offered to pay for a meal. I make good money, but she is not financially strapped by any means. While I can live with her not paying, what annoys me is she rarely says thank you after a dinner date. Once, she ordered a to-go selection to take home to her daughter. I paid for it, but again got no thanks. When we arrived at her house, she gave the food to her daughter without mentioning that I had bought it for her. Other than her manners, she's a great gal and I'm happy we're together. Am I being petty and overly sensitive? My ex-wife never appreciated me, so I guess it's a sore spot. How should I approach this without jeopardizing everything else?
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Q. Is It Time To Get Over It?: When my ex and I were married, we had trouble conceiving and years of heartache. I thought our marriage was strong enough to survive this, then I discovered he was having an affair with my sister. We had a huge, traumatic confrontation and my then husband and I decided to move and make a fresh start. A few weeks after we moved, my sister gave the news that—surprise!—she was pregnant. My ex then divorced me to start a family with her. Because I'd just started a new job and had a mortgage, it was financially impossible for me to leave. I stayed in the new city by myself and eventually made friends and settled there. My parents were also very hurt and angry, but when the baby came they mellowed and reconciled. My niece is now 5 and I have never met her. We take turns attending family functions because I can't bear to be in the same room as them. Recently my parents gently asked if I would consider having a Christmas dinner with my sister. I told them I would think about it and I really did. I took a deep breath and went on my sister's Facebook page for the first time. There, I saw hundreds of happy pictures of them as a family. My ex-husband kissing her after she'd just given birth, photos of the happy first birthday party, family trips, etc. She was tagged in a status update from my ex: "Celebrating another amazing anniversary with my beautiful wife, thank you for giving me so much happiness and our perfect daughter." I literally vomited after reading that. After five years, is it time for me to get over it and try to force myself to at least tolerate their company?
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Since begining planning our wedding three months ago, my fiancee has turned into another woman: selfish, temperamental, materialistic. She expects her parents, who are approaching retirement, to bankroll most of the wedding, and she continually demands items that are beyond their means. She becomes very angry with me when we disagree on major decisions (like location, menu, the band) because this is her special day and she has been planning her dream wedding since childhood. She never behaved like this before our engagement, and a number of people have assured me it's the pressure of planning the wedding that's making her act this way. I don't think there's any excuse for her behavior and have decided to break our engagement. We have been together for three years. What's the kindest way I can end our engagement, and what should I tell others?
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DEAR ABBY: Our family has a serious problem with one sibling. Whenever we disagree with this sister, something "happens" to us. Some examples: I told her she was wrong to have started a fight with another sister. Within one week, Child Protective Services was knocking on my door. My other sister had a quarrel with her, and the very next day that sister went to drive to work and found that "someone" had smashed the windows in her car. My brother said something she didn't like one day. She visited him a few days later, and the next day his parrots (he breeds parrots) were dead. (She actually bragged to other family members about the parrots and Child Protective Services.) All three of us get prank calls, and we have spotted her repeatedly driving by our homes. Our parents think these are just "coincidences" and we're making a big deal out of nothing. Now this sister needs to go in for surgery, and our parents think we should rally around her. The three of us want nothing more to do with her. I have even instructed my children to call the police if she ever comes to our home again. Please print this letter, Abby. We are hoping it will help our parents see through her and open their eyes. But in the meantime, we don't know what to do next. Any ideas?
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DEAR ABBY: My 22-year-old niece, "Brittany," married her boyfriend of many years last month in a lavish production of a wedding financed entirely by her father (my brother). On the invitations, it was mentioned that their home was fully furnished, so in lieu of gifts, they'd appreciate money for their honeymoon to the Dominican Republic. Most family members generously complied and chipped in $300 to $500 each. My widowed grandmother, who lived on a fixed income, even sent them $50. Four days after their return from the honeymoon, Brittany threw her husband of two weeks out of the house and moved in her new boyfriend, whom she'd first met when he "entertained" at her bachelorette party three weeks prior. To say we are all surprised is putting it mildly. No one has heard from Bittany since, and no explanation was offered. My mother recently got her on the phone, and Brittany quickly ended the conversation by claiming that all the money had been "spent" and that her now ex-husband had any funds that remained. (We know this can't be true because the distraught groom recently approached my brother and asked him to pay for the annulment.) Doesn't etiquette dictate that Brittany return all gifts -- including cash -- as the marriage ended just days after the checks cleared the bank? Is this why there's a 12-month window in which to send wedding gifts? -
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My husband had an affair with a crazy woman. When he left her she began harassing me with mean emails, phone calls, etc. Eventually this escalated into vandalism. She keyed my car and broke some of my garden statues. Once I caught her in the act, and in her attempt to get away she hit me in the face and the back of my head with a large rock. Thankfully, I wasn’t badly hurt. I called the police and she was arrested. If convicted she could face several months to several years in prison; this isn't her first brush with the law. The issue is she has two elementary-school-age children. If she goes to jail there is no one who can or is willing to take them in. There's a possibility they could end up in foster care. For that reason, my mother and some friends (though not my husband) have been pressuring me not to press charges. I feel for these kids. I am a mother myself. But it makes me sick to think this awful person might walk away from her crimes without punishment. What should I do?
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Dear Amy: My husband of 20 years is in the middle of a major midlife crisis. He is unsatisfied with his job, our home and his life in general. Things he used to enjoy have been pushed aside. He complains about everything, and has decided that he has been unhappy being married to me for the last 15 years. He has a woman friend who suddenly has become his "right arm," and they have lunch together daily and spend hours on the phone with each other. He claims they are just friends, but he also told me he has fallen in love with her. She is married and supposedly has no intention of leaving her husband, but she knows how my husband feels about her and encourages their relationship. My husband is on the fence about whether or not he should stay married, given the situation. He says he still loves me, but he's just not in love with me. He claims he's trying to figure out what will make him happy. I, on the other hand, am miserable because I desperately love him and want us to work things out. He is cycling in and out of depression, and he flip-flops back and forth about staying together.
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Dear Ann Landers: I am a 42-year-old single mother. I have an adolescent son who causes problems at home and at school. When I was married my husband was physically abusive. I am now involved with a married man who never brings me flowers or sends me a card on my birthday. Even though I gave him a Christmas present last year he never gave me one. I would just love to put on a pretty outfit and join him at a nice restaurant for dinner. Instead, every two weeks we meet for 30 minutes of meaningless sex. I end up feeling degraded and mad at myself. I cannot change the past, but I do have control over the future. What in the heck is wrong with me, Ann Landers?
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Q. How to tell people my husband left me: My husband of three years moved out last week and has no interest in reconciliation. I work in a large office where most people have known me through my entire relationship with my husband (seven years). We were very much in love, so this will come as a shock to everyone—it was a shock to me! I have continued going to work because I don't want to sit at home and cry, but I'm not ready to tell anyone, but my closest friends. What do I say when people ask me how Jim is doing? And when I am ready, how do I tell my co-workers and clients? I don't want to be an object of pity.
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DEAR ABBY: When our son got married 10 years ago, we tried to establish a relationship with his wife. We found her to be strong-willed and controlling, and sadly accepted that she was determined to exclude us from their lives. We realized she didn't want to share him with anyone else. We spent no holidays together, but when I requested to see them once a year on my son's birthday, we would meet halfway for a meal to keep the visit short
After they had two children, we were allowed to see them on their birthdays. Gifts were always accepted and we were thanked. As the years passed, we were also allowed some phone calls and Skyping. But now, since his father died last year, my son agrees with his wife that no further contact with me is necessary. I have two questions: First, do I continue to send gifts and cards to them? Second, if the children, now 5 and 7, are no longer allowed to see me, do I change my will?
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Entwined With a Twin: My twin sister and I have shared everything out entire lives and have been very close in the past because of this. Recently we both graduated college, and while I was lucky to have majored in something that appeals to employers, she has assumed she would live a lifetime as an academic. When she didn't get into the Ph.D. program of her choice, she spiraled. I invited her to live with me while she gets her life figured out. Now she expects me to pay for everything! She acts like she is entitled to a piece of the happy life I'm working on building because we share everything. She is deeply in debt to me already and spends what little money she does make on herself, letting me and my live in boyfriend pay for bills and food. At the same time, she is viciously jealous of me for having a reasonably well-paying job as well as a stable home. This is taking a toll on my relationship with my boyfriend (whom she also regularly abuses), and everyone says she's using me. But she has no where else to go! I can't kick her out to the street, and our parents are of no help as neither of them has a job, either. I want to help her so much, but I can't take this abuse for much longer; she's turning my happy life wretched. What should I do?
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My husband and I are in our late 30s and I am lucky to be able to raise our three young children full-time. My father gave each of his three daughters money to buy our homes as wedding gifts. Although my mom left him when I was in my teens, we all managed to spend holidays together and life was pretty darn perfect. Five years ago he met a woman with two teenagers, fell in love and remarried. I couldn't stomach being around her and her children in the beginning. But I have accepted that I have had this person shoved into my life and have come to like her. I hate to admit it, but her children are good kids. But it sickens me to see this happy little family living in my childhood home, and I refuse to visit. They take my three girls to dinner or movies once a week, but it’s my father’s wife who calls to make the plans. I’ve decided unless my father asks, I will refuse to respond. My sister says I should be glad that at almost 70 years old he is happy, and to cut them some slack. But this is eating me up and I am getting to the point where I am honestly done with my father. How do I get through to him?
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Our son got married last week at our house. It was a lovely wedding, and everything went wonderfully. Until now -- now we have bills coming to us for things that we did not agree to pay for. We told our son our budget ahead of time. We were clear about what we would provide, and I think we were quite generous. We spent at least as much as the bride's family, maybe even more. Our son's birth mother (my husband's ex-wife) took it upon herself to bring food to the wedding (which we did not solicit but were grateful for), and now she insists we pay her for it! She also took our son and his fiancee to a rental company to rent chairs for the wedding, which at the time I thought was nice. But then she had the bill sent to us! This was not part of the expense that we agreed to before the wedding. These bills amount to an additional $600. That is a ton of money to us, and we can't afford it. The ex-wife did not ask us or get authorization for these things -- yet she is now demanding that we pay these bills that she incurred. I feel hurt because our contribution to the wedding is being diminished, and my husband and I are now being painted as cheapskates. I would like your opinion because this is causing quite a rift with our son. --
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DEAR AMY: My sister and I have been estranged for several years. The issues involve mistrust, dishonesty, financial and emotional manipulation, and her choice to marry my ex-husband! After this she has proceeded to spread untrue information about me to our extended family and friends, in an effort to sway their feelings about me and my family. I could cite more instances of outrageous behavior, but I think you get the picture. What is your take on this? What am I supposed to say to people when they suggest that my sister and I make amends with each other? I’m up to my eyeballs with this.
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DEAR AMY: How do I call a truce on sibling rivalry and form a relationship with my only sister? my younger sister has always felt annoyed to be “in my shadow,” and often accuses my parents of loving or favoring me more. In actuality, she has received the best of everything (private college, vacations, new cars, huge wedding), which has always been fine with me, because I have very different interests. She lives in the same town as my parents and I’m out of state, so she is much closer to them. I’m very down to earth and she is very social — into fashion, friends, wealth and social status. Our differences don’t bother me, but I can’t seem to develop a friendship with her. She shows zero patience or empathy for me, though she does for her many friends. The situation saddens me. I want to have her in my life. The final straw (for her) was when I disclosed that I am expecting my third child (due four months after her first). I was excited that we could share our pregnancies. Instead she cut off all communication with me. She told our parents that she doesn’t think they’ll be excited for her child. This is ridiculous. She’s speaking less to my parents (they think they embarrass her), but her worst treatment is for me. By all accounts she has “won” the sibling rivalry and has better and more of everything that she could want in life. So why isn’t she kinder to me? How can I build a bridge with her? -
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DEAR AMY: My wife had an emotional affair with a friend from childhood. We worked hard to put the affair behind us, and it was a difficult task. She now wants to go to his high school reunion — a class that she was not even a member of. She says the invitation is open to classmates and other family members. I was flabbergasted that she would even suggest going. Things like this trigger memories of the pain I went through for several years.
I don’t believe she should go, and I can’t understand why she would even suggest it under the circumstances. And why would she even run the risk of it causing further damage to me and to our marriage? I'm the bad guy for not understanding her side of it. I would welcome your advice. -- Flabbergasted
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Q: I have a 26-year-old daughter who is incapable of making life decisions. She was raised as an only child (she has an older half-sister) and her father and I spoiled her. I admit there was not enough discipline. She has been wild since age 14. She had two broken engagements before her first marriage. In March, her husband caught her cheating on him and within a week they got a quickie divorce and she moved down south with the new guy (he also got a divorce). She soon learned she was pregnant. She and the new guy got married. She claims it is his child, but I don't think she knows for sure. She lies so much, I don't believe half of what she tells me. They came home last weekend and we had a baby shower. There weren't many family members there because everyone in the family is upset at the way she treated her ex-husband. I agree with them. our daughter now wants to move back to our state. I wish they would stay where they are for a while and let the gossip slow down. She acts like everything is normal and has no remorse. I love her very much but am so ashamed of her I don't know what to do. -
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My girlfriend and I are in the process of ending our relationship. We’ve done therapy, tried everything, but it’s over. We still love each other and intend to stay in touch even after we move apart. If we move apart. Right now, we’re still sharing a flat (although it’s a big place, so fairly easy to carve out personal space) for practical and financial reasons, and maybe emotional too—we’re not quite ready to part. We’d initially agreed to talk about ways to separate—her staying in the flat, me moving out, both of us leaving, etc.—and I thought things were going well. I mentioned moving out by spring at the latest. But now, she’s talking about living together indefinitely—she mentioned five to 10 more years! I know she’s scared of living on her own (she’s already dating someone new, which is actually a relief for me), but I know I can’t go on like this forever. I’ll miss her, but I have to move on, and there’s only one way of doing that. She insists that this needs to be a joint decision, i.e. I can only move out when SHE is ready. I think that’s unreasonable. What do you think?
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Why should I?: My on again/off again boyfriend of 15 years wants me to leave my husband and be with him. But he refuses to divorce his wife even though they are $50,000 in debt because of her. He refuses to help her until she helps herself. Now he’s allowing his children to make the same spending mistakes by letting his oldest go into debt for college out of state instead of making a better financial decision with an in-state college. I told him why should I leave my husband who provides for me and isn’t in debt for a person who complains about his wife all the time but never does anything about it?
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My mother is truly unhinged. After my dad died, my mom sold their condo and moved in with us. It’s been more than seven years now. She hates my husband and has always had issues with co-workers, neighbors, friends, and family members. Her own sister hasn’t spoken to her in 25 years. I’m an only child, so I’ve always felt I have to just suck it up and deal, but her narcissistic ways have caused me to hate her behavior and, truthfully, to hate her. Mom is a young sixtysomething but extremely lazy and rarely leaves the house. Recently, one of my aunts told me that my mother seems to be obsessed with the idea of having my husband arrested. If he so much as drops a glass and curses in frustration, she’s going to call the cops and report him for violence (the last thing he could ever be). My husband and I are understandably horrified. I appreciate my aunt’s giving me a heads up, but honestly she’s tied my hands. I can’t confront my mother about this without throwing my aunt under the bus for telling me. Part of me thinks I should just confront my mom and let the chips fall where they may, especially since my family knows that she is irrational, but everyone just seems happy to let me and my husband drown under her emotional weight. I could really use an objective opinion.
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I am in my late 20s and have been married to a wonderful guy “Dave” for three years. He and his mother have always had a very close relationship (which I think is great), especially when it comes to their mutual love for a local professional sports team. They have a tradition of going on trips to see their team play away games. This went on even after we began dating, and is continuing now that we are married and have our own home. I think it’s extremely bizarre for a married man in his early 30s to still be taking trips with his mother and sharing a hotel room. He has been on three trips with her in the six years that we have been together. (I was invited only once.) I have expressed to both of them that I don’t think it’s appropriate that these trips are still taking place, and I was basically shrugged off. (His father doesn’t seem to see any problem with it.) Now they have another trip coming up, which they booked without consulting me. I have no problem with their attending a few home games per year together, but I think it’s time that these overnight trips came to an end. I definitely don’t want this continuing once we have children. Should I put my foot down, or should I just accept that this a tradition that is going to continue despite my efforts to put an end to it?
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My girlfriend is what you would call “judgy” and it’s seeping into our personal life. She’s constantly saying my behavior is not normal, which includes such things as the way I stock the fridge. When she doesn’t like my opinion or the way I’ve phrased something, she proclaims that we’re going to have a new restriction about what I’m allowed to say. When I was a grad student and took longer than she liked to study for an exam, she called up my friends to find out how long it took them to study. When she was mad that I couldn’t go out on a certain weekend, she took down all the photos of us in her apartment. How do I put an end to this judgmental and controlling behavior? I feel like I’m on eggshells. We actually have a good time together until I say the wrong phrase, don’t abide by her schedule perfectly, or don’t meet other expectations.
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I invited my friend "Sandy." She and my boyfriend work in the same field and I thought it would be a good networking opportunity for her. The day after the party, Sandy texted me and asked me why I had introduced her to the other guests as, "This is my friend, Sandy," instead of, "This is my best friend, Sandy." I sent a smiling emoji back to her and asked her if she thought that would have made her look better to my boyfriend's co-workers. She texted back, "No, I asked because I'm your best friend." Amy, I didn't know how to respond. I responded that while she is a close friend of mine, "Margaret" is my best friend. Margaret and I have known each other since childhood (we're both 38 now). Sandy responded that she didn't understand how Margaret could be my bestie since we haven't seen one another in several years. Margaret and I share a lifetime of history together. No one could ever take her place in my life. Sandy is now somewhat distant. My boyfriend thinks I should invite her out and talk about it, or just be normal and see if she comes around. Do I owe her an apology for being honest? Should I have said nothing at all?
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Dear Carolyn
When I was 16, I came home to my mom sneaking out of our house with her belongings and my younger brother. She was leaving my stepdad, and me, too. She actually left us a note on the kitchen table. I was already the kid with the “horrible” dad my mother bashed repeatedly, so this crushed me. After watching my stepdad move out and not ask me to go with him, it became clear I was on my own. I called relatives and the general consensus was it was none of their business. After years of no communication, I called my dad and he let me move in with him. Come to find out he was a nice person who made me feel wanted for six great years. After he died of a heart attack, I called my mom crying and she said, “Good, he got what he deserved.” She didn’t contact me again for nine years. Now she texts me sporadically as though nothing has happened. I reply only to what is being asked and offer no more. Over the years I tried to work on our relationship but she refuses to acknowledge any possible negative feeling I have. She says I was abusive to her (I wasn’t) and has told relatives these lies about me. It’s ruined my life and has left me without any family support. I think I need to just stop all contact with these toxic people, but I’ve been made to feel at fault for so long that my mind is cloudy. I have gone to therapy, but they don’t tell you what to do. I’ve read of your loving relationship with your mom and figure you’ll give me the sternest response, and I want to see all angles of this.
UPDATE FROM LETTER WRITER IN THE COMMENTS SECTION
I am the one that wrote the letter to CH and am filled with so much appreciation that I wanted to respond and thank everyone for their thoughtful comments. Like many pointed out, even though I've healed some, I still seem to need that validation every once in a while. I sought therapy in my late 20s and it worked well for me. My therapist believes my mom has BPD and is a narcissist and, for the sake of space and uncertainty how I could sum up the past 20 years, there were many more ways my mom abused me that make me know I shouldn't be in contact with her. After couch surfing for my junior year in high school I contacted my dad and am happy to have had that time. He apologized for not being in touch. His parents died when he was young and he had some war wounds that never healed and he thought he was too damaged to be around me. He never spoke ill of my mom although after he died it was obvious from letters and receipts in his safe that he had been sending her large amounts of money and gifts that I never received or knew were from him. My poor brother was taken from boyfriend to boyfriend's house until she remarried again to a guy that was very cruel to him and wouldn't even speak to me when I went to pick up my bro for weekend stays while I was in college. When I moved for work was when I really lost my brother. He's happy and married with kids now, but after my dad died and my mom cut off contact with me, I started noticing that I never heard from him anymore. He was spending time with a girlfriend and had even moved in with her family because living at my mom’s was so bad. It was a childhood friend that emailed me and clued in to the lies my mom was saying about me. It was so bad that to this day nobody will fully tell me what she was saying. Although my brother witnessed the abuse toward me and had his own version inflicted on him, he pretends to not know what I am talking about and gets upset when I try to talk to him about it so I stopped. He speaks to and sees our mom regularly in addition to his dad, my former step dad. I think I remind them of a time they don't want to remember. I found a loving husband that is a true friend and not a sad repeat of past abuses. Over the years I wrote a few letters with the help of my therapist trying to reconnect with my mom, but her responses were pretty cruel and rambling. She’s missed a lot of major events in my life. It’s a process and books about narcissist parents have helped tremendously. Seeing my mom after 9 years of silence at my bro and SIL’s baby shower was intense. She acted as though nothing had happened and spent most of the time outside on her cell phone. My brother gave her my number shortly after and she texted Merry Christmas or something to that effect. I replied in kind and it’s been going on ever since. I really accepted this contact for my brother. I miss him and he seems to need me to be in contact with our mother for him to be okay being in contact with me. I tried to explain to him that I have his back and we could work together to help heal some of these wounds but he just goes silent and I won’t hear from him for weeks afterward. Since I’ve accepted these texts I’ve heard from my aunt and cousin out of the blue. It’s like a bridge was lowered and I’m allowed contact again. It’s been many years since I left my hometown and these people behind so I don’t have to see them. It’s just so obvious how my mom’s behavior has gone on unchecked for so long that I am truly this black sheep now, which is funny because in my current city I’m a very successful professional and fun friend. I just spent so many years wishing for this contact and now that I have it, I know it’s tainted and even in texts you can still see the manipulation. I think cutting off contact with my mom means cutting off contact with my brother and that’s the sticking point for me now. FWIW, my husband thinks I should cut off all contact with them. Thanks again for caring. I’m still amazed at how painful these feelings can be but accept them as a part of myself and do have moments of happiness. I would like to add that I have found this period of my life is not something I can openly discuss with most people. Some don’t believe me because how could a mother do that, and others see it as a defect. Thanks for making this a safe place. 20
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Q. Stepmom Attempted to Run Dad Over With Car—Now What?: I am an adult and my parents were divorced more than 10 years ago because my father had an affair with another woman. He and this woman eventually married and their relationship has been fraught with blow-out fights, distrust, and dysfunction ever since. In the past, she has thrown things at him (without actually hitting him, luckily) and verbally abused him, but since I haven't actually witnessed these events I do not know whether she is the only one behaving badly or if my dad is also guilty of this abusive behavior. Most recently, I have learned thirdhand that my stepmother attempted to run my father over with a car, ostensibly because of a disagreement about what to do with the money from the sale of a property that they co-own. My father did not involve the police when this incident occured as he likely should have. This latest drama seems to cross a line where I no longer feel that we can just stand by and allow this to continue. But, at the same time, he is an adult of substantial means who could, if he chose to, leave the relationship at any time. How can I best help my dad?
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Q. Boulder, Colo.: How do you know when someone is gold-digging? I went out on a first date last week and the woman said to me that if a guy doesn't lavish a woman with expensive dinners, gifts, vacations, etc., he's just showing her how cheap he is. Throughout the meal she was trying to subtly determine my income. She also let me know that she'd never date a guy who didn't drive a Mercedes, Audi, Cadillac, or comparable car. I'm not going out with her again, but she seemed to be digging for gold big time. I do pretty well for myself (I own my own business), so what other signs should I look for to make sure someone's dating me for me and not my money?
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Dear Abby: My wife and I have been together for 19 years. From Day One, her paycheck has been spent on the streets. Her idea of a good time is to party at nightclubs with her girlfriends. We have two kids, 12 and 15, and sometimes I feel like she doesn't love any of us. I have caught her cheating three times. Please tell me what to do.
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Dear Abby: My mother-in-law is the most insensitive person I have ever known. When Harold (her son) introduced me to her, she said: ``How do you do. Is your complexion always that bad, or is that a temporary condition?`` She talks endlessly about all the pretty and well-to-do girls Harold could have married. It was a big disappointment to her when he married me. I was poor and plain. I have never talked back to her because I was taught to respect my elders, but I had trouble controlling my tongue when she announced to a houseful of relatives that she had saved $1,000 for Harold`s ``divorce.`` Everyone laughed as though it was a joke. Harold`s father left her when Harold was 4. I will give ``Mom`` credit for raising a fine son all alone, but it hurts something terrible to have him sit lock-jawed while his mother insults me. Maybe she has mental problems. Would it be rude and improper for me to speak my mind to her?
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Dear Ann Landers: My brother is getting married in four months. Last year, at my sister's wedding, my cousin, "Mindy," wore a tank top and short shorts to the reception. Her dancing was extremely suggestive, and her idiot parents actually had the nerve to cheer her on. I do not want to see this disgusting scene repeated at my brother's wedding. My parents are afraid to say anything for fear of creating a family rift. Is there any way to make Mindy dress properly and behave like an adult?
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Dear Abby: I read with interest the letter from "I'd Rather Be Alone." I agree with what you and she said, but I was disappointed that you let her get away with saying there are far too many verbally abusive HUSBANDS out there. Out of fairness, there are too many abusive PEOPLE. It is a stereotype to think that only men are abusive. I was in a verbally abusive marriage for 11 years. My wife would yell, scream and swear at me in front of our children. When I tried to leave the house, she would block the door with her body and tell me I couldn't leave. She would belittle me, call me names and berate me for things that she had done. Years of counseling did not help. She was powerless to change her behavior, and I finally had to file for divorce. Please, Abby, it's not always the man who is the abuser.
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DEAR AMY: My wife has turned into a self-appointed quality inspector for everything our two kids and I say or do. She is quick to point out whatever she views as incorrect or inadequate with the things she hears or sees. Her extreme and constant negativity is taking a toll on our lives as it makes us feel bad and we no longer want to be around her. It starts with her complaining -- but then, after about a minute, it transforms into ridicule, personal verbal attack, and verbal hostility. Whenever I point out to her that she has transitioned from a specific complaint to dishing out a personal verbal attack, it only gets worse. We don't know how to get her to stop, so the kids usually leave the house to go visit their friends and I usually go outside and do yard work or take the dog for a walk. As we leave she usually ridicules us some more for not just sitting there and "taking it," while she spews her verbal venom at us. When she gets this way, it feels to me not just like a loveless marriage, but like a downright hateful one. How can I get her to stop this behavior?
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Dear Carolyn: The last few times I’ve been out with my buddy and his wife, she’s made some really derogatory remarks to him, if not outright screamed at him. He seems really cowed by her, like he’s just trying to placate her so she’ll stop yelling and calling him names. He hardly talks now.I’m on good terms with both, but I’m his friend first. I worry about him (she wasn’t like this when they were dating or early in their marriage), and I’m wary of burning bridges. I know him. If I even hint that she’s abusing him, he’ll get angry and tell his wife what I said. I’m at peace with that, but they’re bound to circle the wagons and cut me out of their lives. How do I bring this up with him? I’m 99 percent certain he doesn’t think he’s being abused. But a police officer who saw her yelling at him on the street the other day almost arrested her, and pulled my friend aside to ask him if he was being abused. It’s real. Do I just bring up the subject with him, and live with the likelihood that our friendship might be over? I’m starting to think that’s what a real friend would do.
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DEAR ABBY: I am currently enamored of a lady who is sleeping with her ex-boyfriend, but she has consistently told me that she could fall in love with me if she just didn't have him as extra baggage. I have asked her many times why she still carries on with him, but she just shrugs and says she can't tell me for certain. I have a tremendous amount of love in my heart for this woman, if she would just give me the benefit of the doubt. What should my next move be?
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Carolyn: Is the maid of honor expected to pay for the bride's wedding? Bridezilla has made it very clear to me that everyone else in the wedding party is paying for the pieces (photographer, deejay, flowers, etc). She is left paying nothing for a wedding 10 times as fancy as my own and demanding things I did without, since I couldn't afford them. I am in grad school and can't afford this right now, am already footing the bill for the gown, etc., and bridal shower. But she is starting to get nasty about it. Everyone else in the wedding party is related to the bride and groom. Am I a bitch because I don't think I should pay, or what? How do I get myself out of this?
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Dear Carolyn: I've been living with a good friend, a great roommate until she turned into bridezilla, investing insane amounts of emotion, drama, money into this huge production that is her wedding. The fiance, nicest guy on the planet. She drinks a lot, stays out really late during the week, sometimes by herself. Extremely flirtatious. I've seen her kiss other guys. Her fiance has seen her kiss other guys. She insists it's no big deal, just having fun with friends. I don't think it's any of my business -- until her partying/screaming at him keeps our entire building awake. I think it's hurting her career; she sleeps in, goes to work late. Recently, she brought some guy home she met at a bar. All of our roommates heard and, unfortunately, some of us saw the lewd acts that went on in our communal living space, which was just wrong on so many levels beyond moral. One friend confronted her and she broke down and said she was under a lot of stress, that toning it down would be her new priority ... but immediately went back to her ways. How do you tell an extremely defensive, high-strung roommate that moral indecency bugs me more than dirty dishes?
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DEAR AMY: I’ve been dating a guy for two months. He is funny, smart, drop-dead handsome, generous and really good to me. We almost never argue, but there are two things I can’t get over. He lives with four other guys in a big house. They each have their own room, so privacy isn’t an issue. They’re all very good friends and hang out a lot. The first problem is that my boyfriend is naked a lot when he’s at home. The other guys come and go that way too sometimes, but my boyfriend pretty much lives that way. The second problem is that he’s really physical and affectionate with everyone. He doesn’t hug and kiss just me, but all of his friends too, and all the time! Guy or girl, gay or straight — I feel like he’s always hanging onto someone. What do I do to get him to understand that these two expressions of intimacy should be between a guy and a girl, and not shared with the whole world? We’ve talked about it, but he says this is the way he is. I’ve asked his friends to make him stop, but they don’t care how he behaves and say I should just let him be himself. I’ve told them that I think he’s acting gay, but one of the guys in the house is gay, and he assures me that this isn’t the case. What can I do?
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I have a work friend who, over the last several years, has spilled over into personal friend. She is a VERY high maintenance person; plus I always have to watch my tone and what I say/or how I say something as she will jump down your throat at the drop of a pin. Today, I came in with a haircut that was much shorter than it has been in a year. Last time I cut my hair this way she constantly referred to me at fuzz head and told me I looked like her dog. First thing this morning when she walked into my office I got the fuzz head/dog remark. In the past I had just let it roll off my shoulders, but it being Monday and me being tired, I told her - did not snap- that it hurt my feelings when she called me that and please to not do it anymore. She started crying and said she did not mean it that way and has now stopped talking to me. Question: count my blessings or apologize?
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DEAR AMY: In a four-day visit, our middle-aged daughter (from out-of-state) flew off the handle over minor matters. This daughter is a control freak who orchestrates the lives of her three young-adult daughters and husband. They all operate and apparently thrive on her instant and constant advice. At our house, she seemed delighted when she was able to humiliate and make cruel and inaccurate statements to us, her elderly parents. It was truly scary to observe her acting calm and loving one minute and then becoming emboldened and excited to tell a humiliating 40-year-old story that criticized her mother. When her fury was over and her mother left weeping she said, "You know I love you..." It's almost as if she enjoys creating conflict. After spending time with her, we're left exhausted and devastated. What should we be doing?
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DEAR AMY: I am 52 and in my second marriage. We met in church and thought we were evenly yoked. This is her first marriage (she is 43). I have two children, 10 and 15, who are well-mannered and a joy to be around. Even though I saw signs that she was not into my children, I thought this would change. It's been two years now, and she doesn't talk to them (they're with us every other week). She makes no attempt to have a relationship. She never even mentions their names. It's as if they don't even exist! I feel that if you marry someone with children, you marry the package. I haven't asked her to help raise the children; their mother does a good job at that, and we are a united front there. She purchased a new vehicle and doesn't allow me to drive it. We put down equal money on a house, but it is in her name alone. We took a premarital course, and all the cards were laid on the table. If I had known she was like this, I would never have married her. I have already told her I plan to leave if this behaviour does not change and already have begun to look for a place to stay. Am I wrong for feeling this way? She won't go to counselling.
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Dear Carolyn: Long story short: Lost my partner to pulmonary embolism soon after a married friend lost his adult daughter to sudden death. We bonded through grief, engaged in an affair (on and off) across five years during which he initiated divorce proceedings twice. The third time he followed through, and we are now married (nine years after the deaths). His family disapproves, and they have been rude during family gatherings. My husband says give them time. I would prefer to opt out of his family gatherings and have no interest in hosting his family at our home either. Thoughts?
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I'm pregnant with my first child and due in 8 days. My husband and I are thrilled to death and cannot wait to meet the newest member of our family. My mother is driving me crazy. She and I have never been close—we are essentially like oil and water. She had a vacation planned for this week for quite a while and I thought she understood what that might mean—if the baby comes early, she may not be able to see it for the first couple days (no big deal, we'll still be around and it won't change that much! or so I thought). She has been calling me daily (very untypical for our relationship) telling me not to deliver until she returns so that she can see her first grandchild within 24 hours of its birth. The message conveyed is very strong—she cares more about how the birth of the child fits into her schedule than what is healthiest and safest for the child and myself. I'm disgusted. This child will decide when it is ready to make its appearance and will do so at the healthiest time. She doesn't seem to care about this—only how it fits her schedule. I'm trying very hard to be patient with her, but it just makes me so angry and stressed. While this feeling is nothing new for our relationship, I would have hoped that a new, beautiful little life would have had some sort of impact to her superficial, self-centric lifestyle. I know she's excited, but when the first words out of her mouth are me me me, it's really hard to be sympathetic (and not tense). I'm at my wits end.
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Rosamond, Calif.: Dear, Prudence: I feel as though I'm using you as a diary. I just found out my boyfriend of five years recently cheated on me. The reason I was told is because she got pregnant. (Something I wanted, but waited, because he wasn't ready for children, hah!) We just bought a house and had been engaged for two years, lived together for three. He's adopted and insists on dealing with this woman and his new biological connection. What do I do? I still want him, which is beyond me because I know I shouldn't. I also feel that he shouldn't throw away what we have.
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St. Louis: My long-term boyfriend and I are so lucky to have a great friend who is the head chef of a 5 star restaurant, and we love him dearly. The problem is, his longtime girlfriend whom he has a two year old daughter with is mean and treats him terribly, mostly behind his back. He has invited us to his restaurant next week to sample his new dishes. I'm sure when the guys go to the bar to have a drink, she will start in on me about all his bad qualities like she always does. She mostly complains about him not buying her something that they can't afford, or how he won't stay home with the baby while she goes out and parties. What do I say to her so that we can all remain friends, but I don't feel like I am betraying him?
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A good friend and I are students in an advanced degree program, the completion of which is a prerequisite for getting a job in our field—I'm about to finish, and she's somewhat behind me. I'm away from school doing research and have started applying for jobs. The problem is my friend wants a job with a particular organization, although she's not currently in a position to apply for it. She has said that if I get a job there, she will not be able to, because our credentials are so similar. She's also said she doesn't think I'd be happy there. Because of her objections, I did not tell my friend I applied to work at the organization. Now I've made it to a first-round interview. I was so excited about the news that I posted it on my Facebook page before realizing that I should have told her first. I e-mailed her, explaining that I'd applied and that I hoped to see her when I got back to school. She wrote back that she had discovered the whole thing from my Facebook page and that she didn't want to see me. I am devastated. Was I wrong to apply? Should I cancel my interview? Is there any way to fix this?
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DEAR ABBY: I am the oldest of three 20ish children. Our mother passed away many years ago. My sister is being married later this year, and I'm planning several parties for the happy couple. We are also entering into the planning stages of the wedding, but are encountering some difficulty with my father's wife. My problem is that she wants to be included in the planning of every party, as well as the wedding. It's not because we are particularly close to her -- it's to show her "socially elite" friends what a wonderful wedding SHE threw, even though she and my father refuse to pay for anything. It has reached the point where we have been ordered to include her and her children. I'm tired of dodging the issue, and my siblings and I are tired not only of being nice and polite, but also of including her on things we are trying to plan for ourselves. Please advise me about how to handle this.
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Dear Ann Landers: My first wife passed away after 30 years of marriage. At that time I bought a burial plot containing four spaces, and she is buried in one. I have since married a lovely lady. You can probably guess the problem already. Upon my death, I would like to be buried beside my first wife, and I would also like my second wife to be buried beside me. My second wife refuses to be buried in the same plot with my first wife. Unfortunately, she has very few relatives and there is no family plot where she can be buried. She has made it clear that she would be deeply hurt if I insist on being interred beside my first wife. I feel strongly that neither of them should be ``abandoned`` and that I have an obligation to both. Can you give me a solution to this problem?
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Dear Abby: I have been having problems with my second wife. My son recently moved here from the East Coast to start a new life. She refused to let him stay with us for even one night. I had to set him up in a room-and-board situation nearby and help him find a job. Every time he wanted to visit and spend the night, my wife refused. My son may be a little immature for his 21 years, but he's a good kid. Now my father wants to come for a visit. Again my wife refuses. It's because of a remark my stepmother made three years ago while they were here. My wife still holds a grudge after all this time. I wish she'd get over it. My family is not perfect, Abby, but they are important to me. I wish I could get my wife to bend a little. Do you have any advice?
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Dear Abby: I married a widower who is 40 years older than me. I adore him, but he insists on keeping a portrait of his deceased wife prominently displayed in our living room. (She died 10 years ago.) He also has a sculpture of her head on a pedestal. This behavior irks me. Please advise.
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Dear Abby: I am divorced and have three daughters. My ex-husband "Sam" married "Connie." She is 11 years younger than I am. Connie has no children of her own and they do not have children together yet. My girls are under 18, so we still have the weekend visitation arrangement. The last time they were scheduled to visit their father, Connie came to pick them up. The problem: Connie reeked of alcohol. Sam and I do not live in the same town -- there's about a 15-mile drive between us. Now I'm kicking myself in the hindquarters because I let my daughters leave with her. I cannot have any more children, Abby, and the three I have are a precious gift from above. Had my daughter's friend come to pick her up and the friend reeked of alcohol, there's no way I would have let my daughter get into the car. I let them go with Connie and hoped for the best because I did not want to start a fight -- which I now feel was incredibly stupid. What should I do if this happens again?
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Dear Abby: My son, "Marshall," is in an abusive marriage. This week, while his military unit was training in another state, his wife had his cell phone turned off. Then she took a cash advance (over the credit limit) against the card Marshall uses while away from home and canceled his ATM card so he would not have access to money. She did all this because she was angry with him. Marshall had to leave his training early and fly home to straighten out the mess. Abby, she has locked him out of the house and made up allegations of physical abuse and reported them to his command. They have two young sons. Marshall is miserable, yet he is hesitant to free himself from her control. He keeps saying she'll just do something worse. Even with her history, he doesn't see it as abuse.
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Dear Ann Landers: My 23-year-old sister has been divorced for three years. She has been going with about four different guys and is pregnant. She is not sure who the father is and says she doesn`t care because none of the guys she has been sleeping with is worth a hill of beans and she wouldn`t marry any of them. The problem is that ``Tracy`` thinks she is in good shape with her pregnancy because she has given up all drugs. She wants to keep the baby and is anxious that it be 100 percent healthy. I am glad Tracy has given up drugs, but she has not stopped drinking. This worries me a lot because she`s a heavy drinker. Can you put something in your column to educate women who drink while they are pregnant? We read plenty about babies born to crack- and cocaine-addicted mothers, but very little about those born to alcoholic mothers. Thanks for your help.
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So I know it's insane, but one of my friends is mad at me for getting engaged during the time between her engagement and her wedding. She dropped hints for a while that she was worried about it, but I never thought that someone could really be so selfish. I am also a bridesmaid. I'm worried that she's simply gone off the deep end and that rational conversations are out of the question, but what should I do? I don't want to drop out of her wedding, but what else can I do when she's treating me as a hostile?
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Los Angeles: My stepdad acts like a child! If he doesn't like something or someone, he makes it known, and often in an uncomfortable and rude way. He will mumble things under his breath, punch the wall, or refuse to attend a family dinner if he knows someone he dislikes is attending (i.e., sister's boyfriend). Now, due to an altercation that happened between those two, my sister and my mother haven't spoken for almost 4 months now! My mother continues to defend my stepdad's childish behavior for that and any other times he's out of line. How to I help her to realize that his behavior is NOT acceptable?
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Alexandria, Va.: How do I deal with a manager who is hostile? I don't know why she doesn't like me. She's not even MY manager, really. But she asks a lot of me, and she is almost constantly rude to me. A job well done is the minimum acceptable for her—it gets a grunt. A clarification question gets withering glares and cruel condescension. A mistake elicits profanity and pounding on tables. She treats many other people this way, but not all. She has her favorites. For the rest of us, she doesn't even say "Hello" or "Thank you." Other than going to human resources (which I hesitate to do because it has turned out to be a bad tactic for others in my company), what can I do? This woman is much older than me and many pay grades above me, and does NOT respect dissent.
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My sister and I aren't speaking to each other because of our mother. My mother retired at 50 and has refused to get a job for the last 11 years. She is now completely out of money. She is moving into the home of the daughter of a friend, and my sister and I will be responsible for covering the rent—a considerable burden. I'm fed up with my mother's lifelong helplessness and dependency. Everything we've tried has failed: doctors, counseling, medication. I want no more part in the attempts at "rehabilitation." But my sister still wants to try to improve my mother's pathetic situation. Trying to clean out my mother's cluttered apartment reminded me that I have cleaned up after her my entire life, and I couldn't do it again. So I left my sister to do it alone, for which I feel guilty. The result has been a complete cessation in communication. Am I wrong for not helping my sister? How do I approach her to heal this ever-widening rift?
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Q. My New Wife, the Former Bridezilla: I just got married a few weeks ago. When we opened our wedding gifts, my wife was startled to find a book on bridal etiquette. The book came in a package enclosed with no name, just a note saying, "For next time, you might need this." inside the book, there were things highlighted that my wife should have done, like paying for the rehearsal dinner and sending thank-you cards. My wife is FURIOUS. She knows it must be one of her close friends, because some of the things that were highlighted in the book were things that only our close friends and family knew. She's on the warpath. here's the catch—I know exactly who sent the book. It was one of her bridesmaids, in fact it was her "best friend." I am torn between telling my wife and keeping it quiet, because truth be told, my wife was the DEFINITION of a bridezilla when planning out our wedding, and I felt bad for her attendants. There were times when even I was doubting our relationship. The girl who sent the book obviously has no intention of telling my wife, but I don't really WANT to tell her either. I want her to think about how crappily she treated her friends and family, including her new in-laws. Am I obligated to tell my wife about her "friend?"
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I recently went through this at my best friend's wedding. She was a monster, I didn't think anyone could be that bad but she was and alienated EVERYONE. I waited until after the wedding (previous attempts caused her to break into further hysterics) and it was the end of our relationship. She flipped out and ended up making things irreparably worse. Looking back on it, a passive aggressive move like this might have prevented that really terrible blow-up
First of all, the rest of us women take offense in being compared to bridezilla. When I got married, there was a lot of work involved, but it wasn't stressful. The preparation was fun and exciting and the Wedding Day was perfect because it was a fun day shared by the people closest to me. Later, a friend of mine was THE bridezilla! She was virtually the last of my friends to get married. I had never been through a difficult wedding, much less witnessed a bridezilla episode. In the end, the truth is, the bridezilla is, in fact, an extremely difficult personality. She has become increasingly difficult over the years, has had multiple falling outs with friends and collegues, and her behavior through the wedding planning process was simply another representation of this part of her personality. The truth is, and I say this as a woman: Using the excuses for people like, "Oh, she's planning a wedding." is nothing more than an excuse. In the end, it is a reflection of who they are and they will probably utilize every opportunity for such an excuse for the rest of your lives. Best of luck through pregnancy, crying babies, hardships, and old age.
Well, they want what they want. Men insist on demanding that a woman not be herself around them, so when the girl gets that ring on her finger, you get what you asked for! HER TRUE COLORS! Stop forcing women to fake ourselves out for you, then there'll be no surprises. I have no sympathy for any of you men. None.
Re: my new wife; I do not understand why men marry bridezillas. It is a myth that women act this way because the wedding is so stressful. The wedding is a rehersal for the marriage so beware if they act out of control, insane, and too bossy because they will be during the marriage. The stupid show of bridezillas did a follow up with most brides and found a high divource rate. Why even bother getting married. Men be wise for once and drop the bridezillas at the altar. A wedding is for the bride and GROOM not just the bride. Be Smart.
For the man who married Bridezilla, I feel your pain. It might have been helpful if someone had purchased that book on bridal etiquette and gave it to her before the wedding. I worked in a bridal shop and honestly, weddings bring out the very worst in everyone! Young women are so caught up in planning the wedding and making it PERFECT that they don't care who they have to sucker punch. They forget that after the wedding and the honeymoon are over, they have to get down to the business of being married. Well, nothing is perfect. Every wedding I've ever been to had some minor tragedy. One wedding I was at, the groom had his 3 year old nephew as the ring bearer. The poor little guy was sick--all over the bride's train. The bride reamed out the groom's sister and nephew in the receiving line. At that point, the groom asked the minister for the wedding certificate, shredded it to pieces and broke up with the bride. Well, at least she got her wedding!
About the bridezilla: women who show these traits are best avoided. You may be fine in your day-to-day lives, but when life gets stressful -- when you really need a reliable partner -- they are likely to fall back into their egomania and leave you to deal with problems on your own. Actually, I'd extend this advice to avoid anyone, man or woman, who is unhappy when things don't turn out "perfectly". These people are worse than useless when life gets tough.
And it could have been that she refused to send thank you notes---I knew a girl (luckily I wasn't part of this wedding) who didn't want to send thank you notes to anyone because she didn't want to waste the money on cards and postage. And because "people should be honored that they were invited to my wedding, and they should give me a gift". Needless to say, that girl has very few friends now.
my advice to bridezilla's husband is to run. I am actually grateful for the bridezilla complex. It showed me the monster that was hiding inside my ex fiance before I made the horrible mistake of marrying a narcissistic control freak. This was 10 years ago for me, and 3 husbands ago for her.
I feel for the husband of the bridezilla. My sister too was pretty shocking. At her showers and the day after the wedding, as she opened presents, she berated people for their gifts---being too cheap, or lame, or as she said about two very personal gifts given to her by close family members, "I didn't order this". I know my sister has some really nasty parts of her personality, but, man, the wedding seemed to give her free rein to be as ugly and insulting as she wanted to be. There was no filter, no "will this hurt someone?" in place because it was "her" day and everyone had to do what she wanted on "her" day. Needless to say, there were more than a few people going "oh, the poor groom...why would he marry such a person, what did he do in a former life to deserve that." And if any of us tried to talk to her about any of her behavior before or after, she'd either get defensive like the bridezilla above and go off about how it was her day and these other people being hurt/insulted were just jealous or trying to ruin "her" day or brush it off as she was just joking and people had no sense of humor. You either care when you hurt people or you don't. I'd love for my sister to evolve a little and have some empathy for others, but I don't see it happening anytime soon. She'll just rationalize her bad behavior as this other bridezilla is doing. I'd follow Pruide's advice---talk to her about it gently, perhaps the groom can get through to her. And if not, reconsider who you married. If she doesn't change or take your feelings into account, you're in for a miserable marriage because she'll turn that cruelty on to you eventually.
I'm glad you mentioned that you already knew your sister had a nasty side. I've always found it hard to believe that a woman who has always been a perfectly nice person suddenly turns into a raving, screaming monster just because of the stress of wedding planning. I think that most of us would cut the bride-to-be a little slack if she had one or two moments of less-than-wonderful behavior - that's only human. But someone who is so completely self-involved that she doesn't give any consideration to family and friends didn't become that way the day she got the engagement ring - that nastiness was already there.
I am shocked by the number of grooms who stand idly by while their brides go off the rails during the wedding planning process. Anyone who acted that awful deserves to be called on it, not tiptoed around. I won't feel a bit sorry for him when she turns her aggression on him. He had his chance to run and he blew it. I just heard of a story where a bride-to-be fired her best friend and maid of honor because she felt the MOH didn't 'follow through' with her plans to lose weight before the wedding. Why the guy still wanted to marry such a heinous bitch I'll never understand, but I won't feel sorry for him. I feel the same about this guy.
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Ten years ago, my brother had an affair with my now ex-wife, which resulted in twins. I have not seen or spoken to them since, nor have I met their offspring. This caused an estrangement with me and my parents, who insisted on having a relationship with my brother and his kids. recently they contacted me because “they are getting older and are trying to bring the family back together.” I’d rather have my teeth pulled out with pliers. I will never forgive the deceit, lies and deep betrayal. I have never understood why my parents did. I told them no, I would not meet, visit with, have dinner with or be in the same room with my brother and his kids. I believe I added something about I hope they can go to hell for all I care. Thanks for calling. Click. My mother has written to me claiming they are hurt by my intransigent attitude. What options do I have here?
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Q. Thoughtless SIL Sharing Pregnancy News: I recently became pregnant after four years of fertility treatments. Needless to say, my husband and I are overjoyed. We were so excited to share the news with our families. Then literally the day after we announced our pregnancy, my SIL texted everyone to say she just found out SHE was pregnant (with her third). I am so upset. She has known about our trouble with conceiving and has always been supportive. I thought she would be more considerate of our news, especially since she's done this twice before. We are meeting up for a family gathering soon and I don't know how I can face her. All the grandchildren on my husband's side are girls and I don't know how I'd feel if she had the first grandson and I had a girl like everybody else. Please give me tips on how I can act normal around her while I'm seething.
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Dear Abby: Last Saturday night, my boyfriend, "Jimmy," and I went out, like always. When he brought me home, I invited him in for a glass of wine. Dad had gone to bed, and Mom was still up and watching TV in the den. When I was in the kitchen pouring the wine, I overheard Mom tell Jimmy how "handsome and sexy" he looked. I was startled, so I peeked into the den and found my mother and boyfriend in a liplock. I saw Jimmy run his hand down Mom's body and under her nightie. When I returned with the drinks, I didn't let on what I had seen, and they acted like nothing had happened. Jimmy often likes to drop by the house and say hello to Mom, but I never thought it was anything more. What should I do? Should I confront Mom and my boyfriend? My biggest concern is Dad. Should I tell him -- or should I keep quiet?
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I am almost 50, a single mom to an awesome 9-year-old daughter. My parents and I have a great relationship, with one glaring exception. Every year they come out for my daughter’s birthday (that’s not the problem!). This is when my given name came up. I grew up with a speech impediment and could not pronounce my own name. When I was younger, I would start to cry after repeated attempts to say it when asked. As I grew older, I avoided drawing any attention to myself. Finally as I stood in line to register for college, I wrote my name using just my middle name. From that moment on I could say, “Hi, my name is ___.” My whole life turned around, I wasn’t scared to meet people, I became the me that I had been too petrified to be. At her birthday dinner, my daughter relayed a story Mom and Dad had told her and used my given name. I asked her to please not refer to me by that name. That was when my mom, with a lot of pain and anger, told me again how much I have hurt them by changing my name. I feel like I have spent my life trying to explain it to them. I love them so much, and I meant no disrespect to their beautiful name, I just still can’t pronounce it. Can you help me find the right way to communicate this? It has put an emotional burden on them that I can’t lift.
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Dear Abby: I recently discovered that my fiance has been seeing another woman for the past year and a half. He swears that I am the one he loves, and he still wants us to get married. However, I'm having difficulty digesting all that has happened. To make matters worse, the other woman is pregnant. What should I do? I love him, but will I be able to trust him? Should I marry him and live with the knowledge of his affair and love child for the rest of my life?
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Dear Abby: I have a wonderful husband. ``George`` and I have been married for 16 years. Last summer George went through a mid-life crisis and began shutting me out and spending most of his time at work. A young woman-10 years his junior, married and temporarily separated from her husband-began buying George lunch, complaining that she was unhappy at home, her husband was a poor lover, etc. Then one day she told him that her car was in the shop and she needed a ride home, so he drove her home and she invited him in ``to talk.`` She asked George to kiss her. He did, and before he knew it, they were in bed. In the middle of the act, George said he realized that he was in the wrong place with the wrong woman, so he got out of bed, took a shower and came home to me. (This was his version.) He confessed, begged for my forgiveness and we prayed together. He said it was the worst sexual experience he ever had-he didn`t even complete the act. George went to confession and told the priest everything. The priest said that technically George did not commit adultery because he did not complete the physical act. Is this true? I want to believe him.
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Dear Abby: I`ve been married for nearly two years to a man I went with for about a year. I thought we had a great marriage until I found some photos and love notes in his briefcase. These items were from a woman he works with. Please believe me, I wasn`t snooping; he had gone to bed and I was looking for some postage stamps. I was thunderstruck. We have associated with this woman and her husband since we started going together, but I never suspected there was anything between her and my husband. My husband claims that the affair lasted for only a short time and it was over long before I found the items. He begged me not to talk with her about this, as it would make his life miserable at work, and jobs are scarce. After the initial shock subsided, I forgave him and agreed not to bring it up again. Now I`m wondering if I would feel better knowing more about what happened, when, and for how long. Or would it be better to just try to put it out of my mind? (It`s not easy. Just because I don`t talk about it doesn`t mean I don`t think about it.)
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Dear Abby: You have helped so many people, I hope you can help me. I have been married more than 20 years, and we have two lovely daughters. Everything was fine until my wife started to work as a secretary for a bank branch manager. When I found out they had been having an affair for nearly two years, it crushed me. I asked my wife if she wanted a divorce, and she said, "No." I didn't either for the sake of the children and, strange as it sounds, I still loved her. She agreed to quit working there, and about the same time the branch manager got transferred to a branch in another city, so I thought everything was all right. She then took a job as a secretary to an attorney in a law firm. I became suspicious when I would call her at the office at 2 or 3 in the afternoon and was told, "She and Mr. `Jones' went to lunch and then to see a client to take a deposition." A private detective discovered that the "deposition" was taking place in a motel! When I confronted her, she admitted that she and her boss were having an affair. We saw a counselor and our pastor, but my wife insisted it was no big deal and everyone was doing it. She still doesn't want a divorce and assured me it was over as far as her cheating goes. She now works in an office with only women, so I'm hopeful her cheating is a thing of the past. Abby, how do I cope with the second infidelity, since it, too, lasted more than a year? I want to save our marriage because of the kids. I saw a psychiatrist, but he didn't help much. Any advice, Abby? I'm really hurting.
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Dear Abby: I had an ongoing affair with a married man for four years. His wife found out about it and issued an ultimatum. He is still with his wife. He says it's a matter of convenience, family and money, but he swears he loves me and begs me to be patient. He says that we will be together as soon as the time is right and he has had a chance to work things out. My sister says I am just a "convenience" for him and I add a little excitement to his life, and if he really loves me, he would end his marriage and marry me. Abby, I don't want to believe this, but it's been two years, and I am tired of waiting. I am also married with children and would like to start making plans for my future. Can you tell me what percentage of married men actually leave their wives and marry their mistresses?
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Dear Abby: I went into our home office and noticed that my wife had left her e-mail on. I spotted an odd name, so I opened one of the messages and my jaw dropped. It was from a man with whom my wife was having an affair. The e-mails were so graphic as to leave nothing to the imagination. This person is someone with whom my wife had an affair before we got together. He was going to leave his wife and live with her before we met, but he stayed with his wife and just used mine for sex. One of the messages discussed a planned meeting that did not take place -- only because he got stuck at work. She e-mailed him and told him he could stop by the house any night after 10 and have sex for an hour or two because our 5-year-old son and I were sleeping in other bedrooms! She insists that "nothing happened." We have been seeing a therapist who believes my wife, and says that because "nothing happened" it wasn't an affair. I disagree. Am I wrong?
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My Sister-in-Law Makes Our Kids Compete: My sister-in-law and I are both mothers to beautiful girls who are about the same age. What I find disconcerting is that every time she visits, my sister-in-law wants to know about my daughter's grades, how many friends she has (and their social status!), what toys she has, and even compares the girl's sizes with comments like, "My daughter is so tiny and petite, and yours is getting so big!" These comments are incredibly hurtful; usually I've just walked away when she starts with the comparison game. But now these games are clearly affecting her daughter, too. I've noticed that my niece will often pry my daughter for the same answers, and appears visibly distraught if my daughter happens to be doing better in some area of life. Apparently, my sister-in-law was upset one night that my daughter is, in her words, "more beautiful" than her own—and this was something my niece told me. I'm heartbroken for the pain my sister-in-law is causing this child. I grew up with friends who were constantly told they were not good enough, and as a result, they could never make friends because they ended up being so competitive. I'd hate to see the same happen to my niece. I have also tried complimenting my niece or my daughter when I notice my sister-in-law getting critical, but I am unsure about how to approach this. I wouldn't put it past my sister-in-law to keep my husband and me from seeing my niece.
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Recently my cousin, who was a high-school teacher, left her husband. Turns out she had taken up with one of her underage students. Her husband, whom I'm very close to, was devastated. This has been a repetitive pattern with her. This is her second marriage and her second infidelity. My question is about the revulsion I feel around her. At a family gathering, this narcissistic twit had the audacity to bring her now-18-year-old beau. I can't accept my cousin's little boy-toy as a member of the family, and I can't stand the vile smirk on her face when she thinks that no one knows what happened. Would it be sanctimonious of me to boycott the next gathering if she brings him?
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Dear Margo: Help! My co-worker is driving me crazy. When I was hired, she insisted on buying me lunch despite my protests. I would buy hers to keep it even. It was expensive, and I kept trying to stop it. She refused to listen. She kept calling me her friend. I did not want to be her friend. She had a nasty reputation. I had been around her when I temped for the company, and when anyone disagreed with her, she said she had worked for a large company out east, as if that made her right. She was divorced, and the reasons for her divorce would expand whenever she heard someone else’s problems. Her life story keeps evolving, too. She was molested by a teacher; she is on several medications; she was abused by her father. She spends more than four hours a week talking to her mother at work, and the rest of her family calls her after the boss goes home. She always has a special project that keeps her from doing her share of the work. And that is the tip of the iceberg. I am tired of the drama and of being called her friend. I treat her fairly, but would not be sorry to see her leave. We work the evening shift; the day shift does not want her, as she is too disruptive. Management is blind, as she sucks up to them. I have put up with her for almost two years and am ready to go into therapy. I am a solitary person. I don’t need the stress that working with her brings. — Going Crazy
Letter #2: I worked with a kook like this for 6 years. She was a promiscuous (referred to by men on a dating website of “FDFS” – First Date For Sure) drama queen who was tearfully heartbroken at work every time a man who she slept with “broke up” with her. She had absolutely no personal boundaries regarding what kind of intimate, personal information she would share with whomever happened to be listening. If she knew anything about my life, that would be shared around as though she had somehow participated in the event. I asked her over and over to please leave me out-of-the-loop. After about six months I finally pulled her into a conference room and told her that I no longer would listen to any personal conversations, no would I discuss any of my personal life in front of her. I would work with her and discuss work-related information, but NOTHING personal. Management was well aware of her issues, since she didn’t leave them out-of-the-loop either. I worked with her on that basis for the next five years. She was also very adept at avoiding actually working, while somehow taking credit for projects she was on which she was a peripheral player. It was amazing to see. I went to our mutual boss more than once, even documenting the issues via email (which lives forever on the server). He is an attorney, VP of the department, not a dummy, but a very poor manager. Nothing was done. I think he was conflict-averse. The politics of the company made it unsafe to go over his head with the issues. Finally, after 12 years with the company, I left. It was the only answer. After I left, one of the other attorneys with whom I worked asked a coworker if I had copied upper management on that email. I had not, it was not my battle to fight, but I conveyed to my coworker that he had the authority to get the email from IT and run with it. He also did nothing, and has since left the company. I cannot imagine why she has been allowed to continue at that job. But she’s still there, still being disruptive and unproductive. I’ve been gone for a year, and I’m still angry; but at least I’m not dreading going to work every day.
You answered your own question. She was promiscuous. Guaranteed she was “doing” the boss on demand. That’s why he never did anything about her. Saw it at my old job. Co-worker dated and such, but at the same time was giving our boss BJs in the stairwell, so was never fired even though she constantly made mistakes and ended up just creating more work for the rest of us, as we were always fixing said mistakes. We were a small office and our boss was very nice to the rest of us, very professional, never so much as made a pass at the me or the other female. He knew the difference between a woman with self-respect and a little gold digger and treated each accordingly.
I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to read the responses to LW2. I worked at a job that I loved for 10 years. We hired a woman who was so disruptive to my work life that I finally left a year after she was hired. For some reason, she targeted me as the person to whom she should tell her problems, life story, aches, pains, struggles, issues with other women, tried to pull me into office gossip which I had previously avoided and attempted to set up an “us against her” coup in our three woman department. She would come into my office every morning to kvetch for at least two hours. Ours was a social service agency and my boss had encouraged me to try to help her. So,I listened to her passive-aggressive BS, tried to counsel and found myself entangled in a nightmare. I won’t go into the specifics, which would take a lot more time to write about than I have now and would make for boring reading for everyone else. Yes, I should have set firmer boundaries, but this person presented herself so charmingly at first that I allowed myself to be sucked in. By the time it was too late and I was seeking the wisdom of my supervisor and the E.D., I was enmeshed in the most toxic relationship of my life. I left a job and a mission that I loved because of this person and I have been emotionally beating myself up for that mistake. Your responses to this similar situation have helped me finally see that I did the right thing. I’ve been feeling bad about being driven off. Now, I’m beginning to understand that I did the right thing for me. Whew!
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Death Around the Holidays: A man I work with and with whom I've had an affair the last two months died suddenly over the weekend. I am pregnant with his child. He didn't know. His current wife, now widow, doesn't either. How do I broach this subject? His estate is rather large.
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Dear Carolyn: My only child, his wife and two children live a substantial distance away. Both my son and daughter-in-law have highly demanding, stressful careers. My husband and I are self-employed, so we can be flexible. We see our son and his family every couple of months and try to be as helpful as the distance permits. We have, for example, several times gone to visit on short notice to babysit. Although my daughter-in-law can be effusively appreciative, she frequently scolds me or my husband. I have received e-mails that do not say, “Dear MIL, thank you for your help,” but rather, “You left the garage door open and a raccoon could have turned over the garbage. You need to be more careful.” Once, when we were 45 minutes late getting home with the children from play group, I received an e-mail chiding me for not being respectful of her parenting preferences. When we take the family on nice vacations (often to a location she has chosen), she complains that someplace else would have been better. When I asked my son how I should respond to her criticism, he said she doesn’t intend to be mean, but she reacts/types without thinking. Of course, it is important to have a good relationship with her, we appreciate that we get to see our grandchildren often and we don’t want to put our son in the middle. Should we just ignore her critiques?
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Dysfunctional Family Event: A few years ago, my mother, attending a big event of one of her grandchildren, got royally drunk and started verbally attacking her ex, my father (divorced for 25 years). It was awkward and embarrassing for all the guests who saw it. I confiscated her car keys and drove her home, while she verbally attacked me for suggesting she was drunk. She remains defensive and unapologetic to this day. So the next big event with both Mom and Dad is coming up. I'm dreading the role I have to play. Other than having her drive with my family to the event and warning the bartenders to water down her vodka, any thoughts on how to cut this off before it happens again? Even if I try to talk to her in advance about it, she will get defensive and deny it again (and accuse me of betraying her).
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My wedding is 59 days away, and I am concerned about my future mother-in-law's dress. She is a wonderful woman who makes me feel accepted as her son's choice for a wife. But with only two months left before the wedding, she had finally begun her search for a dress. Last Sunday, my mother-in-law held my bridal shower at her house. My mother told me that while she was there, she saw a photo of the dress my mother-in-law picked out. She described it as "young, low-cut, and flowing." I wanted to get to the bottom of this, as my mother-in-law had not even informed me that she had purchased anything. So, after the party, I sent her an e-mail, and she sent me a picture of the dress. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. My 51-year-old mother-in-law has picked out a dress with a wispy skirt, a V-neck, and spaghetti straps. It's fit and styled for someone my age—25! And it's robin's egg blue—which doesn't even go with my champagne-colored dress, the bridesmaids' sage green, the chocolate brown tuxes, and my mother's pale pink dress. I can't swallow the fact that she would attempt such a daring wardrobe choice on a day so important to me and her son. This dress has been ordered and is not set to arrive until two weeks before our wedding! I really need advice on how to tell her that I do not feel it is appropriate to wear.
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My best friend "Anita" told me a year ago that a woman had come forward to say she was her half-sister from a relationship their father had in his early 20s. Everyone welcomed "Penny" into the family, no questions asked. They included her in family events, photos -- you get the picture. A month ago, Anita asked to come over and I could tell she was upset. When she arrived, she told me of the most horrible betrayal. She came home from college a day early only to find her dad and Penny having sex! Seems the "daughter" story was a cover so that her dad could include his stripper mistress in all the family activities. Anita called her mom immediately after catching them; Mom went home to confront Dad and Penny; and in the most cruel, sick way, he said he wanted to flaunt his "daughter" to the family because he was making up for lost time in the sex department, and had also bought her a car and paid for credit cards in her name. Anita's mom has filed for divorce, and she and her brothers and sisters refuse to have any contact with their father. Anita has been going to counseling and was told that her father was pathological. She has decided to change her last name to her mother's maiden name to avoid the shame caused by her father. This is a small area and everyone knows. I feel bad for my friend and have tried to be as supportive as possible, but some issues only a professional can deal with. She knows I am writing to you to warn others of wolves in sheep's clothing. There should have been DNA testing, but the family trusted both of them. It is all so sad.
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I went to college with two friends who are now a couple. I currently work with the boyfriend while his girlfriend works in a different organization down the street from us. When the three of us get together or I ride with them to see mutual friends, the topic of work inevitably comes up between me and the boyfriend, including some inside jokes. This is perfectly natural! But I think the work talk makes the girlfriend jealous. On a couple of occasions, the boyfriend has asked me not to talk about work when his girlfriend is with us, and recently when I talked about work he kept explaining to her what I was talking about. If she has a problem with me, shouldn't she address it directly with me? I feel like she is talking about me behind my back to her boyfriend, and I've noticed she's been rather cold to me. I just don't think I've done anything wrong, and I worry my co-worker and friend is caught in a dysfunctional relationship with someone I'm now realizing is very possessive and insecure. What can I do to convince her I'm just making conversation, especially if she's avoiding me?
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DEAR ABBY: I am 28 and engaged to marry a wonderful man, "Ryan." Before I met him, I was involved in an affair with my married boss and was deeply in love with him. (I still am.) We continued our affair even after I met Ryan, and now I think I'm pregnant. I told my boss and, naturally, he's not happy about it. I don't know how to tell Ryan or if I even want to. I have always wanted to be a mother, and now I have the chance. But I may end up doing it alone in poor financial shape. I also won't have a home to live in once my old-fashioned mother finds out I've gotten myself pregnant before marriage. Any advice?
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My husband and I are newlyweds. He had a long-term relationship with a woman who turned out to be married. When they first started dating, she lied to him about her marital status. He eventually found out but, by that point, had developed strong feelings for her and did not end their relationship. They have remained in constant contact over an 11-year period, with occasional weekends together (she lives in another state). She always stayed with the husband, claiming she was "staying for the children" -- who, by the way, are adults! Since she learned of our engagement and marriage, she is tearfully telling my husband about how she "almost" left her family for him, that she thinks I have him "whipped," and that he "doesn't even sound like himself anymore." I really resent this woman's intrusion into our lives and have clearly communicated this to my husband. He has yet to respond. I believe he is going to say that he wants to remain friends with her. How should I handle this?
Why Do I Feel Like the Bad Guy?
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Stained Glass Crescent: I have a stained glass crescent over the fireplace in my house. The SG is on loan from a former girlfriend, is quite beautiful, and has been there for 3 years. My new girlfriend of a little over a year wants me to replace it with something else because she's bothered that it's from a former girlfriend. I've explained that I don't hold a flame for old GF or think of her when I look at the SG, but just plain like it and want to keep it there. New GF has put her foot down and won't come to my house until I replace it with something else. I think she's being ridiculous but of course don't want to hurt her feelings. If it helps, I'm 37 and she's 25, and she's generally reasonable about most -- other -- things. Any advice?
Carolyn Hax: Sorry, I'm not buying that she's "generally reasonable." This is the work of a seriously immature person, so, however you choose to deal with it, deal with it knowing this is not an aberration. It's foreshadowing. Which of course you already know, because you chose to say she's reasonable about "most" other things--meaning you have noticed other indications of immaturity but you want to believe your 25-year-old isn't too young for you.
Stained Glass again: I hear what you're saying, but given that this is a relationship in which we're both happy and looking toward the future, how would you advise that I speak with her about this and attempt to resolve the situation? Sure, I could take the SG down, but I like it and feel that would be caving to unreasonableness which is always a slippery slope. We've been able to reach a compromise on other things where we've disagreed, but have discussed this one ad nauseam and not been able to resolve. FWIW, part of her digging her heels in seems to be based on her friends having told her that she's right.
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Quick Question: My wife is a very beautiful, very charming, but VERY romantic born-again Christian, I am more mainline WASPy. I only say this because it gives you an idea of where she is coming from. We have been married for 3 years with a daughter, we are 28, both lawyers, the whole professional deal. Anyway, she hasn't spoken to me for 2 days because during a conversation I said that I definitely loved an ex-gf who my wife despises. I said that there should be no problem with that, that all of my past experiences molded me into the man she loves and that she and I are lucky to have a strong and blessed marriage. SHE FLIPPED. In her view, you can only truly love one person, everyone has one soul mate, and that marriage is pre-ordained. She has read into this that we have different values and says it kills her to know I felt such deep emotions and passion for someone else. Any help?
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Help! I Feel Threatened by Our Female Pastor: I married the man of my dreams five years ago this month. We dated for almost three years prior to the wedding. He is wonderful ... a kind, hard–working, and prosperous man. When we met and started dating, I was aware of my husband's commitment as a practicing Christian, which included an active relationship with his church. I am just not really into church life but attend occasionally with him and support his participation, including his desire to tithe our income. No problems; all has worked out well. Until his/our church had a change in pastors. It is common for our denomination to "transfer" pastors from time to time. For years, we had "Rev. Bob." My husband had a good relationship with him and often met with him for lunch, personal spiritual counsel, or just to chat about faith. Now, Rev. Bob has moved on and has been replaced with Rev. Denise. A female pastor! Apparently, my husband has normed in to having a pastoral confidant and has sought such from Rev. Denise, too. I have to admit if Rev. Denise was some old troll of a woman, I'd be fine, but she is a woman of about 35, just out of the seminary. The idea of my dear husband talking and sharing on a special level with her drove me to the edge. One night when we both got home from work, my husband shared how much he enjoyed Rev. Denise's insight about some biblical perspectives and how much he looked forward to their next chat. Prudence, I flew into a rage! I am a very secure woman, but I felt great threat at Rev. Denise. I told my husband he MUST stop attending church and supporting it financially. And he must end contact with Rev. Denise. Backfire! My husband is now furious at me and is now using such phases as "IF this marriage continues." Help!
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Dear Prudence, I have a group of friends I've known since childhood. One in particular ("Sara") was my best friend for almost 20 years. Two years ago she tried to initiate an affair with my husband. I spent the next 18 months wanting to forgive her, in denial about the seriousness of her breach of trust, and trying to make up with her. She has repeatedly lied to me and has zero understanding of the wrong she's done - in fact, she thinks she is the victim here somehow. Although it was hard to accept that Sara is not the person I once thought she was, I've decided to break off the friendship. I still see her in social functions but I deliberately have minimal contact with her. Our mutual friends have no idea what happened, and this isn't something I want to share. They know Sara and I are not friends anymore and have been trying hard to help us be friends again. A couple of them are even angry at me for cold shouldering Sara "for no apparent reason". I know they are well meaning but it is driving me crazy. What can I say to them?
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My mother and I are not now, and never will be, close. She physically abused me until I was 17. I grew up with constant disparaging remarks about my weight, my singing (which I love), my likeness to my father … the list goes on. I decided many years ago that if she were any other person in the world, I would have nothing to do with her. I am now 29 and about to give birth to my first child. Many of my friends and relatives are pressuring me to form a bond with my mother that I have no desire for. The few times I've spoken to her have demonstrated that she has not changed and is unlikely to. I feel that my reasons for shutting her out in the first place are still valid, and she would just add too much strain to my life. How do I explain that I'm content with the decision I've made and feel that it's best for both me and my family?
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DEAR ABBY: I came out of the closet when my son was 4. I thought I had taught him not to judge because of a label. He's now 30, with a wife and two adorable children who own my heart. When my granddaughter was born, my partner and I were at the hospital and have visited with them often and they with us. However, after my grandson was born last year, my son quit speaking to me. I have asked him numerous times what the issue is. His response is: "I have to protect my children from people who are gay. I don't want them to know anyone who is gay." His wife and her family are very religious, and I feel this is the real reason. What can I do?
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Always Take the Wife's Side?: I'm about to get married and am caught in an argument between my fiancée and my parents. This will be the first time in over five years that our whole family will be together. My parents want to take a picture of just them, me, and my siblings, and a family photo obviously means a lot to them. My fiancée heard this and became immediately offended. She says it's rude to exclude her on the day she "joins the family" and any family photo should therefore include her in it. We're not talking about taking an hour for a separate family photo shoot; my parents simply want one photograph of themselves and their children. I don't understand why my fiancée is so annoyed and now she's even more angry because I'm not supporting "her side." Should I back up my fiancée on principle, even if I disagree with her?
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Kingstowne, Va.: My brother got engaged last summer after dating a woman for two months. They planned a summer wedding. Our family had a lot of reservations. She's jealous, demands that he spend money he doesn't have, cuts him off from his family/friends. Her family thinks she has a drug habit. We were concerned and talked to him about it, but he was firm in his love and was standing by her. Last weekend they broke off their engagement. As the big sister, I'm playing the role of confidant. Since it's inappropriate to sing "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead", how do you suggest that I tactfully counsel him through this? I'm listening and saying "umm humm" a lot.
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Daughter Duty...: Hey Carolyn, this isn't a romantic relationship question, but it's still important, so I hope you can squeeze it in. My sister is in the process of planning to take her children and move to another state. She has not told her soon to be ex-husband about it at all. She plans to pack and move next weekend. She didn't tell anyone in the family and my mother only weaslled it out of her last night. I think what she is doing is WRONG and selfish and a large part of me is dying to call her ex-hubby up and tip him off to her plans before she can run. She claims her lawyer will be contacting him, but at this point I think everything she says is a lie. However, my mother begged and pleaded with me not to do anything because she is afraid that if I get involved in the custody dispute I would tell the world the truth about my sister and she would lose her kids and that "would tear this family apart." My position is that my sister has already torn the family apart through her irresponsible actions (no abuse, but she's an alcoholic who drags men in and out of her children's lives and is a pathological liar) and that someone should step in and say enough is enough. Also, I am afraid that if she leaves the state I may never see my godchildren again, and I love them and worry about them constantly. So what say you Carolyn, should I stay out of this custody battle or speak up? I don't think she would ever deliberately hurt her children, but her complete inability to see how her actions affect other causes her to make really bad choices and do things that cause a lot of emotional pain.
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I just got back from a holiday trip to find four messages left over a week's period from a former girlfriend (I'm married now) wishing me merry Christmas, sending love, etc. Just fyi, I've stayed in loose touch with her over the years, she's met my wife, and I thought things were OK. But there was a definite creepy edge to a couple of her calls when she wasn't getting any response ("if you don't want to talk to me, I'd at least appreciate your telling me"). To be honest, I don't even feel like calling her back, but don't want to be a jerk about it. I'd appreciate your thoughts.
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DEAR AMY: I have been divorced for over a year after being married for 26 years. I started dating someone who I really like spending time with. She is divorced and receives child support and alimony for one more year, and only works about 15 hours a week. i have worked two jobs since my divorce so I could keep our old house and still give money to my children, who are in college. I work about 55 hours a week. Since she doesn’t have to go to work most days until 1 p.m. or later, my girlfriend will get up at 11 and averages 10 hours of sleep a night. She expects me to hang out with her until after 10 p.m., when I have to get up at 4:30 a.m. for the first of my two jobs. She rarely pays for our dates, but spends a lot of money on herself. What do you think of this? -- Hard Worker
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DEAR AMY: I’m thinking about asking my girlfriend to marry me, but I’m not sure. We’ve been together for about two years but have known each other much longer. We have heavily overlapping social circles. We get along very well most of the time, but when we do argue it tends to be about politics, about where we should live and other big-picture things. When we argue, she has a tendency to be dismissive and unyielding. I’m worried that what seem like nebulous or abstract differences will eventually become concrete and create problems. Am I making too big a deal of these things? I’m worried about waking up (in 12 years) at 40 and realizing that I’ve compromised on things that were really important to me. Can you help clarify this for me? -
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DEAR AMY: I am in my late 70s, and my past has come back to haunt me. My late husband and I raised lovely children, but I was an abuser. All of our children were victims of my abuse while growing up, but my daughter bore the brunt of it. A few days ago, my daughter and I had what I thought was a mild confrontation, but it became a monster. All she can do is cry, because she says it brought back memories of all of the things I did to her during her growing-up years. I have considered counseling, but I talked with another individual who said the problem of not moving on is her problem, not mine, since I have asked numerous times for her forgiveness and have prayed that God will forgive me. However, I’m not certain that I have forgiven myself. The rest of my children, who know nothing about this issue, say that I was a wonderful mother, and yes, I did do bad things, but they have moved on and are all well-balanced citizens. My daughter is a fantastic person with a fantastic career and on her own has raised well-adjusted and happy children. When I commented to her that good kids can come from bad parents, she immediately responded, “Yeah, I think I am the one who said that to you.” I do not know what to do because it is now affecting me. Before, I had a wonderful life, full of family, my own home and a part-time job, but now my past keeps creeping into my daily thoughts, and I am miserable and don’t want to see anyone. My daughter wants to keep her distance until she is “ready” to see me. We used to be very close, despite everything. I cannot change what was, but I do not want to spend the rest of my years feeling as I do now. -- Very Sad
Jeeze, I think my mother could be LW1. :-\ 72 yrs. old, nothing was ever her fault, she did the best she knew how, counseling encourages false memories, she's praying for us, and we all need to just get over it. The LW is a narcissist and it's still all about her and somehow she has become the offended party. Professional help is not likely to change her point of view.
It seems like the daughter was willing to forgive the abuse and let her into her life. But the LW wasn't satisfied with that. She continued to behave badly in a way which triggered her daughter's memories of the abuse. My mother is emotionally unstable, she can go from happy to raging to crying and pounding her hands and feet on the floor in the space of 5-10 minutes. The rage was sometimes followed by shoving, slapping, hair pulling, kicking and punching. The physical stuff stopped when I got old enough to fight back (never did) and move out (did so as soon as I could). But the rages continued until she stopped speaking to me 4 years ago. I don't want to live/dwell in the past, I'd rather have a happy present and future, but when you have an abuser who used to get violent with you screaming at you, it triggers the old fears, the old memories, etc. She tried to get back into my life 2x since she last cut me off 4 year ago. Nope, not going to happen, I learned my lesson. I let her back into my life in my 20s after she'd cut me off because I wanted to support her sobriety when she joined AA. I exposed myself to 2 more decades of her rages. Some people really don't want forgiveness, they just want permission to treat people badly without consequence. They will try to draw you into their drama, chaos and conflict every chance they get. Such people are best avoided, even if they are family.
So many people are making huge assumptions about the first LW, and re-interpreting her letter though their own dirty lenses. Let's see, we do not know what the "abuse" consisted of (why assume it was beatings? Why assume it was anything, when you know no details?), only that the mother fully admits to it and feels terrible remorse. There is not a note of self-pity here. She says she isn't sure she has forgiven herself. She is not saying that she should not seek therapy, nor that the problem is all her daughter's to deal with --she is reporting that someone else advised her as much, and she is not sure what to think or do. The only thing that comes through clearly (to me) is that she is owning up 100% to whatever it was she did, acknowledging it was abuse, thinks highly of her daughter and other children, loves them, and wants to do the right thing in the present time--which is the only time any of us have any control over. So, all you judgmental critics out there mocking her and putting words in her mouth that she never said, be ashamed of yourselves. We all make mistakes, and the most we can ever do is to catch ourselves as soon as we can and own up to our misguided actions, and try to do better, and make amends if possible. You might start by catching yourselves in your mind-boggling assumptions and projections, own up to your cruelty and vicious remarks (courageously offered from the anonymity of the internet), and try to think harder and be more humble the next time you decide to tear someone down.
Were you abused, jen? Many of us posting were abused, and we are very familiar with the many faces of denial that our abusers present. LW's pose was, yup, familiar.
Nowhere did the LW express any concern for her daughter's well-being. Look again. Here, I'll quote some of it:
I do not know what to do because it is now affecting me. Before, I had a wonderful life, full of family, my own home and a part-time job, but now my past keeps creeping into my daily thoughts, and I am miserable and don’t want to see anyone. My daughter wants to keep her distance until she is “ready” to see me. We used to be very close, despite everything. I cannot change what was, but I do not want to spend the rest of my years feeling as I do now. She's not worried about her daughter, with whom she recently had a confrontation that led to her daughter breaking down; she's worried about how she can make herself feel better.
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Bridezilla Buddy: My best friend from childhood is getting married in six months, and I am the matron of honor. I have been struggling with infertility, and was planning on trying in vitro in the spring. Well, to my surprise, I am unexpectedly pregnant. Obviously, my husband and I are thrilled. My family is thrilled. My friend is absolutely furious. She is angry that I will “spoil” her wedding pictures by being about eight months pregnant, and she is worried that I won't fit into any dress that matches her plan. She is accusing me of intentionally ruining her big day. I want to simply tell her to get lost, but her family is close to mine, there is a lot of history there, and I worry about the repercussions between our families if I was to cut her out of my life. Frankly, I wish she would just “fire” me as MoH, and make things easier. I have tried to explain to her, I didn't plan on this pregnancy, as I really thought I would never get pregnant on my own, and I had hoped she would be happy for me, as she knew everything we were going through. She just doesn't get it though, and continues to play the victim here. I could *almost* ignore her selfishness here, except she has started making comments along the lines of, “Well, you may not even be pregnant when the wedding comes. With all your fertility issues, you may just miscarry, so no big deal.” I almost lost my mind at that point. I am beyond stressed about her and this wedding after all of this. Is it too late for me to just say no?
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My deceased father-in-law, "Joe," was almost 20 years older than my mother-in-law, "Milly." It came to light a couple of years ago that Joe had been previously married—it wasn't discussed openly, but it wasn't a big deal. However, in looking through a genealogy Web site recently, I came across something startling. In the record is Joe's divorce from his first wife, "April." Records from April's subsequent marriage confirm that April was Milly's mother! In other words, before Milly married Joe, he was her stepfather—Milly was about 5 years old when he married her mother. Furthermore, Joe's divorce from April came after he got Milly pregnant with my wife's oldest sister. Now that I have this information, I don't know what to do with it. Do I talk to my mother-in-law and not let anyone else in on the secret? Do I show my wife what I found and let her ask the questions if she wants to? Both Joe and April died a few years ago. Milly lives nearby—we have a very good relationship with her, and our kids love their grandma, so I don't want to spoil things.
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I am a happily married man in my early 30s with a beautiful baby. My wife is a few years younger than I am and very strong and independent—on the surface. She has some self-esteem issues, and I tend to be stubborn. We have been arguing more lately, and the fights have gotten worse. They tend to revolve around her saying that I am cold and distant. I don't think I am, and I frequently list the ways I show my warmth. I am in agony over what happened recently during a heated argument in which she kept egging me on and pushing me—literally—then struck me several times. At first I didn't respond, but the last time she did it, I struck her back. Never in my life had I hit a woman, and I had planned to die with that record intact. I thought to myself, "That's it; there is no going back. I am one of 'those guys' now." My wife has told me that she understands what I did and does not blame me. This did not make me feel any better. I love my wife and child more than anything in the world. I don't know what to do, and even worse, I think she may try to provoke the same reaction again.
For the man who hit his wife,
My husband was in a abusive relationship as well, She hit him all the time, He never hit her back, but to prove how crazy this woman actually was, she tried to brain him with a giant vase once, someone managed to grab it from her, my husband had turned to walk away from a fight and she grabbed the vase and was swinging it at his head when his friend grabbed it and yelled for him to duck. He still has a scar on his back where she viciously clawed him when he left a fight, it pisses me off to no extent to see that scar, and I told him once, if I ever see her it's on, I'm gonna kick her butt, his response..."She is in prison for the rest of her life, she killed her next boyfriend." If she hits you again, call the police report it and take your daughter out of that horrible relationship, fathers can get their kids when there is domestic abuse involved. You don't want it to get to the point where something neither of you can ever take back happens. like death...and children who grow up in violent homes, get involved with violent people, if you don't want your daughter to end up in a domestic abuse relationship, then either make your wife get counseling with you, or leave and try to get custody of your baby. Good Luck!
*NOTE*
This comment was unusual on that column. Most people attacked the husband while glossing over what the wife had done. *END NOTE*
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Husband Not on My Side: I’ve been married to a wonderful man for almost a year now. He’s great with the kids. Not only does our 10-month-old love him, so does my 10-year-old and 6-year-old from my previous relationships. The problem is I have to threaten to leave him in order for him to take my side on issues with others. When we got engaged, a few friends of his started sending me insulting Facebook messages about our relationship. When I mentioned this to him, instead of doing something about it, he just told me to ignore them. When I told him that I wanted him to remove them from his life, instead of doing so, he wanted to talk to them. It wasn’t until I threatened to leave him that he begrudgingly removed them from his Facebook and phone. It then happened again after we got married. His dad and brother started pestering me through Facebook with snide remarks and other insulting posts. Like last time, when I told my husband, he first told me to ignore them. Then when I asked him to choose between them or me, he said that he wanted counseling for us. I shouldn’t have to threaten him for him to give me my place. How can I make him see that when someone insults me he should take my side and leave them behind?
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Sister-in-Law Furious About When I Revealed My Pregnancy: My husband's sister thrives on being a passive-aggressive, attention-hogging know-it-all. I've always managed to be civil to her and praise her ideas to get her to shut up about lecturing me on what foods I should buy, etc. I announced my pregnancy to both families at 20 weeks. I received a scathing email from my sister-in-law recently demanding to know why I wouldn't tell "her family" for 20 weeks. My exact response was, "Don't I have the right to choose when to announce my pregnancy? Both families were told at the same time." She answered back, "Well, whatever." Since then, my husband's family has been distancing themselves from me. My husband says I should apologize and just let his sister's comment go. But I'm tired of being grilled about all of our life choices and the timing of revealing them. Do I actually owe this brat an apology?
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Facebook Is Awful: My son, a toddler, passed away after a long battle with cancer this past July. My husband and I did not announce his death on Facebook; that felt weird and gross. We don't discuss his death on Facebook either because we are friends with a lot of people, a good number of them casual friends. Our grief is too personal for that. But a good friend keeps posting memorial photo albums and discussing our son's passing on her Facebook. She loved our son, so I know she's legitimately heartbroken over losing him, but my husband and I are disgusted by her lack of discretion. It feels like she's using Facebook to garner sympathy over our son's death. Or at the very least she's overstepping an important boundary to my husband and I and using pictures of our son in a way that only we have a right to use them. We have asked her as kindly as possible to stop and she hasn't. What should our next step be?
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Sister's Marital Woes: My kid sister has always been into fairy tale love: Disney movies, then Jane Eyre, and lately the Twilight novels. Three years ago she married her boyfriend of nine months after a whirlwind romance. They had their first child a year later, their second a few months ago. Her husband, though attentive, is very busy supporting their family. Their marriage is no longer in the honeymoon phase, and now my sister wants a divorce because her marriage isn't "Edward and Bella" perfect. She's disappointed because she doesn't believe she and her husband are soul mates. I want to support her, but I don't believe in soul mates or everlasting fairy tale love. I think she needs to grow up and recognize that she'll likely never find a "soul mate." How can I support her while making her aware of reality?
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Affair, Marriage, Divorce?: Sporadically for the past month, someone has been emailing me information about having an affair with my husband. The specificity of the dates they were together and their knowledge of his naked body lead me to believe that he is having an affair. My husband and I are in our 60s, and we've been married for ten years, and a part of me just wants me to bury my head and forget about all of this. I can't imagine divorcing again in my 60s. I don't know what to say to my husband and just want to avoid this all. Would that be terribly unhealthy?
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Stepmother: How would you behave toward your stepmother, who is suppose to be the grandmother of your children, if she cut you out of your father's will? I find, now that my father has died, that my stepmother has retained all of my father’s estate for her and her son, yet my father's intentions were for that not to happen.
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Step Kids: I have recently remarried and love my wife with all my heart. She is an incredible woman! I came to the marriage with two small children whom she loves and cares for willingly. She is, however, often short with them. She realizes that she gets impatient and needs to work on this, but I am worried that this is something that needs to happen NOW for the sake of my children, who have already been through quite a bit. How do I help her to understand that this is a serious "just do it" kind of a topic?
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Annoying Ex: My husband's job involves going to the company's New Year party every year. His old college ex is in the same industry and attends the event as well. Every time I see her, she makes a point to tell me about how well my husband treated her and their past love life. Sometimes she belittles him, because he wasn't manly enough for her. I may be biased, but my husband is the kindest, most romantic, and strongest person I have ever known. The party is a good way for my husband to talk to people to advance in his career, so I have to see her. Instead of punching her, is there something witty I might say next year?
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Recently, I was in a group job interview for a new position, along with an old colleague of mine. We worked at a bank together when she was still in college. About a year after she started, she was fired and arrested for stealing cash. Because she had no criminal history and cooperated with the police, she was given a deferred prosecution, which meant no plea was entered and at the end of her probation, if all terms were met, the charges would be dropped and her record expunged. She met the terms and now has a clean criminal background. At the time of the theft she was a struggling college student with personal problems, and I’m glad that she was able to move forward. In the job interview she was brilliant and became one of three candidates, myself included, who got invited to a second interview. I feel she could shine even more one-on-one and potentially take this job away from me. Opportunities like this do not come along often. If I share what I know with the company, how do I convey that I am telling them not only because she is major competition but also because I am looking out for the company's best interest? Is it within my rights to warn them about this girl's past?
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DEAR AMY: A couple of years ago I was supposed to be one of my best friend’s maid of honor at her wedding in the Midwest. I live on the East Coast and could not attend many of the pre-wedding events. This led to a little bit of tension; I even kindly suggested she make someone else her maid of honor and make me a bridesmaid, but she declined. The weekend of the wedding happened to be the same weekend that Hurricane Irene hit, and my flight (along with thousands of others) was canceled. I was not able to get to the wedding. My friend was furious and said I had been planning not to attend all along. She promptly cut me out of her life. I understand her anger about this, but I have been hurt that she showed so little concern for the safety of me, my family or my property, and I’m not sure how I would have planned a hurricane hitting the same weekend of her nuptials. Recently, I have wanted to reach out to her but am unsure what to say or do. Any advice?
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LETTER NOT RELEVENT, FROM THE COMMENTS SECTION;
I am going through a very similar situation except that my boyfriend left me for my sister and we have a child together. I think, but don't know for sure, that they started something while I was still pregnant and I moved out when my daughter was 5 weeks old and my sister moved in about 6 weeks after that. It was and still is hard to deal with. My mom, who has be the best support possible, knows that our family will never be the same. My daughter is now 7 months old, her father has seen her a total of 4 times since we moved out (he/they live 2 minutes away too). I feel the worst for my daughter. I also feel bad for my sister because I know she is stuck but at the same time I think she is getting what she deserves. My sister and I were best friends so it was extremely painful but thankfully I have a sound mental state and good brothers and the BEST mother in the world. I feel bad for my mom too because no matter what my sister is her daughter and it has to be hard dealing with mixed feelings for someone that you brought into this world. I dont want nor do I think I will EVER be in the same room as the 2 of them. My biggest fear is that my sister will get pregnant by him too...how would I explain that one to my daughter? "by the way honey, your half-sibling is also your cousin!" Lord it is just too sick. I am going to get counseling at some point but right now I am just putting it behind me as best I can because my daughter deserves a happy mother and dwelling on a situation that is beyond my control wont help facilitate that. I think I dodged a missile (way bigger than a bullet) with that loser and feel bad that he is the father of my child but I love my baby dearly and she is the best thing that ever happened to me. Obviously there is a lot more to my story but I just want LW to know that she is not alone in this type of situation....in fact my attorney told me that I am the 3rd person this year that this happened to in his practice. As sad as that it is it made me feel a lot better. My mom even joked that I should start a "meet-up" group - I just don't know what to call it "sisters of b*!#$@es unite" kind of has a catchy ring to it!
I'm truly, truly sorry about your being betrayed by your sister (I gather she's your only sister, the other siblings you have are the brothers, right?). I'm glad you have a strong support system, and you seem to be in the right path of your life. All the best to you. On the other hand, my God, what's wrong with these sisters? How can you even THINK of sleeping with your sister's husband? Icccckkkkk!
Yes, she is my only sister....and when her ex husband hit on me AFTER they were divorced I stopped speaking to him (we had remained friends after the divorce which was fine with my sister - of course she slept with his best friend before the divorce was finalized and got pregnant by him. Wow, the more I say about her the more disfunctional I realize she is. And now I wonder why I am surprised at what she did. This is a revelation I must look into further. She was also diagnosed with borderline personality disorder with schizophrentic tendancies but I don't think that excuses her behavior.
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DEAR ABBY: I haven't spoken to my middle sister, "Julia," since Christmas because we had a disagreement and she physically assaulted me. She tried to put my eye out with her fingers and push me down some stairs. She did it in front of my children as well as my niece. I know my sister needs help for her anger issues. How can I make Julia recognize that at 42 years of age, physically assaulting those who do not agree with her is not an option? My siblings and I have endured years of abuse because if someone doesn't agree with her, Julia feels she has the right to strike out. She's abusive to everyone. She has even had physical altercations with my parents. My children are afraid of her because of what she did to me. How can I get her to realize she's in desperate need of counseling? In her book, she is never wrong and everyone is against her.
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DEAR ABBY: My best friend "Jenny's" husband died four years ago. They had been married 28 years, and she has grieved hard for him. She has been looking for a relationship because she wants a man in her life. Three months ago, she ran into a married man she knew through her former job. (I'll call him "George.") They were casual acquaintances, but when George learned she was a widow he immediately asked for her phone number. He called the next day, they talked, he visited her at her home, and they had unprotected sex. They now see each other once or twice a week and have sex. That's all they do. Jenny says she's in love with him. She talks about him constantly and says she's very happy. My husband and I were at a club the other night and saw George in the company of another woman. I haven't told Jenny because she doesn't want to be told if her man is cheating on her. She says that what she doesn't know won't hurt her. I disagree. If he's having unprotected sex with her, it's probably the same with the other woman. George appears to be a player and Jenny has blinders on. I'm worried about her. I don't want to ruin our friendship. We love each other like sisters. But I hate seeing her used like this. What should I do? My husband says leave it alone -- she'll find out anyway. --
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Nightmare Boss: I work at a small insurance company where there are only eight or nine of us. Because of the small size, we typically all get along pretty well with the exception of a few minor spats every now and then. My issue is with my supervisor—she's notorious for being unfriendly (to put it very mildly) to both staff that she considers her "underlings" as well as to our clients. So unfriendly that past employees have quit their jobs because of the way she treated them and our clients refuse to call her when they have issues or questions. This is not new news and apparently has been tolerated in spite of the employee turnaround caused by her actions. She's also at least an hour late everyday but lives mere minutes away. I've approached her supervisor, and we've had several discussions (some of the meetings have included my supervisor) over her (mis)treatment, and every time I'm reassured that "something" will be done. My supervisor will then behave herself for a few days or even a week or two, but then she slowly reverts back to her demonic ways. I've threatened to quit and was reassured (again) that things will change, so I've stayed. It's gotten to the point where her supervisor doesn't even like her anymore (which I heard from the horse's mouth), but for some reason my supervisor remains. I want to leave because she makes me feel so oppressed when she's there, but I won't be able to make the same kind of money elsewhere. Help!
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My mother-in-law likes to pick up my 2-year-old daughter on the weekends and drive her around to attend the sporting events of her other grandchildren or just to run errands. It sounds like a dream to have an afternoon free while my child spends quality time with her grandmother, but in my case it's a nightmare. My mother-in-law has been in more than 20 automobile accidents. The vast majority were her fault, and many have been single-car accidents. Her two daughters won't let her drive their children anymore, after she drove into a cement wall on the side of the highway with a grandchild in the backseat—luckily, no one was hurt. I'm a nonconfrontational person, and she can easily become belligerent and unreasonable. I hinted to her that I'm not comfortable with her driving my daughter long distances, and she got extremely upset and accused me of thinking she's not trustworthy. Since this exchange, she regularly calls and asks to pick up my daughter. I find myself having to come up with lies until they run dry, and then I give in and let her take my daughter. I'm on pins and needles all day until they return. How do I deal with this without starting a feud?
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Dear Ann Landers: What is the proper place for a stepmother at a wedding? My parents divorced several years ago, and my father, age 60, married a 27-year-old woman in 1998. That means she is younger than I am. My stepmother has made no effort to be part of our family. She is immature, insecure and, sometimes, downright cruel. I have stopped trying to get to know her better, but my sister hates confrontations and wants peace at any price, so she has remained friendly. Sis is planning her wedding, and it is going to be a small, intimate affair. She will only have a best man and matron of honor (me). I do not believe my stepmother should be part of the wedding. I say she should wear a corsage signifying she is a member of the family, but that she should not be in the processional, or anything else. My stepmother is offended by this, and my father says his wife should be treated the same as our mother. Well, I disagree. She is not our mother. She had nothing to do with our upbringing, nor has she developed a warm relationship with either my sister or me. I would like to know what you have to say about this.
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Dear Abby: A married woman, signed Made a Mistake, wasn`t sure whether her third child was fathered by her husband or another man with whom she had an affair following a very brief separation from her husband. You advised her that since the child could be her husband`s and they were back together again, for the sake of family harmony she should assume the child was her husband`s. Abby, please reconsider your advice. There`s more at stake than family harmony in situations such as this. Here`s my story: I am terminally ill with a hereditary disease; so it`s very important to know who my biological father is. My mother believed it was nobody`s business that I was conceived as a result of an affair she had with her uncle. (She was married at the time.) Mother told no one, not her doctor or me. When I became ill, even though Mother was well aware of the genetic significance of my disease, she went with me to the Johns Hopkins Research Hospital and gave her husband`s medical history as that of my father. Only last year, through a third party, I learned that my biological father was her uncle. When confronted, Mother and her uncle both verified this. There are blood tests available that can positively determine paternity. Please advise your readers that for medical reasons it is important for everyone to know who his biological father is.
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Dear Abby: My husband and I have two married sons who move frequently in their work. Recently they both moved to the same city about 2,000 miles from us. As both sons had been asking us to visit them, we thought this would be a good time. We called our sons before getting our tickets and were told they`d be waiting. Five minutes after I called the younger son, he called back to say his wife had told him that I wasn`t welcome in their home! I was shocked. They`ve been married for 15 years and I had been in their home many times. (Once she had insisted that we stay two weeks when we`d planned to stay only one.) I called and asked her what I had done to her. She said that 12 years ago, when they were visiting us, we had a family picture taken and she hadn`t been asked to be in it. Abby, I always thought a family picture included the mother, father and the children they had raised. At first we decided not to go because we didn`t want to cause any trouble between our son and his wife, but the older son insisted we come anyway, so we went. He and his wife were wonderful, showing us the sights, taking us out for great meals, etc. Our younger son took two days off work to be with us, brought the grandchildren out, and even took us to see his lovely new home one day when his wife was gone. (She`s intelligent, college-educated and has good manners.) When we got home, I wrote her a letter, apologizing for excluding her from the family pictures and telling her how proud I had always been of her, and hoped we could put this misunderstanding behind us. Well, my letter was returned marked ``Refused.`` Abby, what could I have done that I didn`t do? I feel terrible and don`t know what to do.
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Dear Abby: I read the "Ten Commandments for Mothers-in-Law" in your column. It implies that if the relationship is troubled, the fault is hers. However, relationships are a two-way street. My son -- a "rescuer" -- married an insecure, controlling young woman. She is threatened by any participation on our part in their lives. Our son seems happy in his marriage, so we are getting on with our own lives without involvement with them or our grandchildren. A tragedy? Yes. One we can fix from our end? No. (Ironically, I scored high on your "Commandments for Mothers-in-Law.") Adult children also bear a responsibility for making the relationship a success.
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Dear Abby: My mother, "Belle," had me when she was 16. All my life I have been her best friend. I think she made it that way so she wouldn't have to deal with having a child. Belle has always abused alcohol and drugs. She was also married several times over the years. I don't think she ever really grew up. My childhood was spent being shuffled from one family to the next. About a year ago, Belle got into trouble (again) and had nowhere to live. I am married with two young children. We live about three hours away from her "trouble." I invited her to come and stay with me so that she could have a fresh start. Well, Belle's driver's license was suspended because of past trouble, so I cart her around everywhere. She's still up to her same old tricks, parading men in and out, drinking, drugs, etc. This has caused many fights between me and my husband. I have reached the end of my rope. I don't want to just write Belle off because she's my mother. But I really don't want anything more to do with her. What do I do?
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Dear Ann Landers: I am a divorced father of a 9-year-old girl. My ex-wife and I have a cordial relationship, which we try to maintain for our daughter's sake. I recently married a woman who is terribly insecure. She thinks I should have no contact whatsoever with my ex-wife unless it directly affects my daughter's health. I find this extremely restrictive, since there are many school functions and athletic activities that both my ex-wife and I would like to attend. Here's the current dilemma. Every year, my ex-wife and I spend a weekend at a summer resort to celebrate our daughter's birthday. This year, because I have remarried, my daughter has invited my new wife to come along. My wife is becoming physically ill over the prospect of being there, and insists I have no business going, either. She says my presence would encourage my daughter to think her parents will get back together. I have spoken to my daughter about this, as has my ex, and believe me, the child has no illusions about this vacation. Also, I have no intention of returning to my ex-wife, regardless of my daughter's wishes. How can I reassure my wife that there is nothing to worry about? I don't want her to be upset anymore.
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Dear Ann Landers: ``Linda`` was my best friend and confidant. We went all through high school and college together. She was my bridesmaid and I was hers. Every Saturday night, Linda and I and our husbands have played bridge together, alternating houses. Last week it was our turn. I was dealing and accidentally dropped a card. I stooped over quickly to pick it up and what I saw under the table shocked me. My husband had his right shoe off, Linda had her left shoe off, and she was massaging his foot with hers. I straightened up, threw my cards on the table and said, ``I don`t feel like playing anymore.`` As they were leaving, Linda tried to kiss my cheek as always, but I turned my face away. She said, ``Next Saturday at our house, right?`` I said, ``Sorry, we have other plans for next Saturday.`` After they left, I turned to my husband and asked, ``How long has your affair with Linda been going on?`` His face got red, then he turned white as a sheet. Finally he mumbled, ``About a year.`` I almost fainted. That night I told him to sleep in the guest room. The following Monday, Linda`s husband called and told me that he had suspected for quite a while that something funny was going on between those two. When I asked him why he didn`t tell me, he said, ``Because I was hurt and I didn`t want you to be hurt too. I thought it would burn itself out.`` My husband has been begging me to forgive him. I want to, but will I ever be able to trust him again? A divorce would be painful, expensive and hard on the kids. They really love their daddy. What should I do?
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Dear Ann Landers: My husband and I have four children, three boys and a girl. Through the years, we foolishly gave them everything they wanted. We took out loans and had charge accounts all over town. Our daughter, who is 23, is engaged to be married in two years. We can`t afford the kind of wedding she wants, but I have agreed to give her $2,000 towards it. She says that`s not enough. I`ve needed so many things over the years and never bought them. Now we must make some repairs on our house or it will fall down. My mother is lending us the money interest-free, and I`ve budgeted to make small monthly payments. My daughter resents the fact that I would borrow for repairs and not for a fancier wedding. She gives me $15 a week for room and board. I said this was OK so she could save more money for her wedding. She has a good job and makes more than $300 a week. Her three brothers didn`t turn out like this. I can`t believe her attitude. She does absolutely nothing around the house and tells me, ``You`re home all day, that`s your job.`` We fight all the time. I am on stomach medication because of ``nerves`` and am heading for God knows what. I`ve asked her to move out, and she says if I force her to move we will never see her again. I simply can`t wait two years for this girl to get married. I`ll never make it. Should I take out a loan so I can live in peace? Has anyone else ever gone through this? I realize now I should have brought her up differently, but I can`t turn back the clock. Please advise me, Ann.
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-Dear Abby: Our 24-year-old son is engaged to a beautiful but spoiled 21-year-old girl. She has broken two engagements (one after the wedding invitations were mailed), and now she has asked our son for more time to
``think things over.`` Meanwhile, the invitations are supposed to go out next Monday. We have counseled with our minister, and he is all for letting her ``think it over,`` but our son is trying to talk her into going through with the wedding on the scheduled date. Her parents are no help at all and are pushing for the wedding as planned because they would like to get this spoiled, flighty girl married and out of the house. Also, they are very fond of our son.
What should we do?
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Dear Abby: I am in my early 30s, and this summer I'm to be married for the first time. My parents have been divorced for many years and are splitting the cost of the wedding. My father has contributed $10,000. The cost is expected to be higher. My mother remarried 15 years ago, and she and my stepfather can afford to pay the balance.
The problem is I intensely dislike my father's girlfriend, "Tess." They have been together 10 years. I have done everything I can think of to get him to leave her. Tess attends all the family holiday parties. I won't go if I know she will be there -- therefore, my holidays are ruined! I did succeed once in getting her "uninvited," but since then nobody will listen to me. Abby, I do not want Tess to attend my wedding and ruin my big day. I have demanded that my father not bring her, but he will not hear of it. He says since he is paying $10,000, he will invite whomever he wants. What can I do? How can I make this woman stay away?
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DEAR ABBY: Eight years ago, the most beautiful woman in the world came into my life. I'll call her "Mary." We dated for seven months before she started asking for a proposal. I happily agreed, and in 1993 we were married. Two years later, she convinced me that we should buy a house. A year after that, she said she wanted to have cats in our home. I don't care too much for cats, but I gave in to two cats. Then she started yearning for children. When we married, we both realized that she could not get pregnant. So she began inquiring into adoption. I wasn't too fond of the idea of bringing a child into our home when we knew little about its medical or psychiatric history. Again, to make her happy, I agreed. Now don't get me wrong -- not a day goes by that I don't look at my son and thank God for him. Then Mary wanted to help us get ahead financially. We both agreed that she would be the one to return to college, since we could not afford to lose my income and my study habits are not great. So we struggled for two years to put her through school. After a while, Mary started going out with her friends from school for a few hours. Then the outings turned into all-nighters. Keep in mind, my son and I were at home while she was out partying with money we couldn't afford. Eventually she confessed to me that she'd had a fling with a guy she met. I forgave her by telling her that six years was too much time to throw away over one mistake. Two months ago, she told me she doesn't want to be married anymore. She moved in with her mother. We alternate weeks with our son, but he has trouble staying with her. Part of the reason may be that she yells at him for every little thing he does wrong. He's only 5 years old. Two days ago, she informed me that she's moving to Florida for an opportunity to attend school and have a good job. Mary does not want our son to come with her. In fact, she says she doesn't want him at all. Sometimes she says she wishes she could take him back to the agency.Abby, I gave my wife everything she wanted -- a house, an education, a son and plenty more. Now she's leaving me high and dry to cope with the responsibilities of paying the bills and being a parent
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DEAR ABBY: My cousin "Opal" and I grew up together. We were always close. She has gone through some rough times, and I have been trying to help her out. She has five children (ages 10 to 2) and I have one child who is 13. The fathers of her children are not helpful. I recently completed my education and am looking for work, so money is tight. Opal doesn't feed her kids before bringing them over or provide diapers for the little one. She promises to reimburse me, but rarely does. Most of the time I keep my mouth shut because I know she doesn't make much as a server. How can I make her understand that even though I have only one child that doesn't mean I have the money to help her out with her five? Also, when I baby-sit her children, they are rowdy and destructive. But if I try to raise the subject, it creates tension between us. I love Opal. I want to help her. But when is it enough? I don't want to withdraw my help completely, but it has become more than my household can bear
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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m afraid I have handled something badly. My circle of friends throws a lot of celebrations. This year a friend invited me to her engagement party, bridal shower, kitchen tea, a “Yes to the Dress” shopping trip and luncheon, her housewarming, a bachelorette party and her wedding. I am thrilled for her and happy to celebrate — just not quite so often. The cost of these events and for the expected gifts is extravagant, and frankly I’ve been yearning to have more of my limited free time to myself. I sent RSVPs saying I was unable to attend the kitchen tea and housewarming, but I attended all the other events and will attend the wedding. Unfortunately, on the day of the kitchen tea, my boyfriend “tagged” me on Facebook as being at the movies with him. My friend is now furious with me for missing her party in favor of a movie. Is there any way I can explain myself without sounding like a selfish cheapskate? What should I have done?
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Dear Harlan: I recently moved into a new house. I was outside chasing my cat when I came across my neighbor. We had an instant connection, and we started talking. Turns out he lives with his girlfriend of two years, and he's nine years older than I am. I'm 20; he's 29. At first we would just hang out during the day while his girlfriend was at work, and we left it at that. Then we both broke down and kissed. It's been going on for about two months now. We have this unbelievable connection. We hate being away from each other, but he is financially attached to his girlfriend. I know he'd rather be with me than her, and if the situation was different he'd leave her for me.
I'm not naive or ignorant to what this must sound like. I'm in love and can honestly say I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and won't be happy unless I do. But every day, I have to see him come home and be with her. I can't talk to him unless she isn't around. I'm at the point where I get bitter and angry every time she comes home, and living so close doesn't help the situation either. What is one to do?
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His Ex-Wife Lied About Paternity! My husband and I got married recently. When we first started dating, I was introduced to his 4-year-old son, who is autistic. I accepted that we would have him every other weekend and got along extremely well with him. But there was always something that bothered me. I'm not a geneticist, but I could tell that certain features the son has were highly improbable from what his parents look like. This thought was magnified by the fact that his ex-wife had coerced him into having sex, and they'd only had sex once for her to get pregnant. I know it's possible, but the way he told the story made me think she was trying to trick him into knocking her up. (I later found a huge box of ovulation trackers in her old bathroom.) He confided in me that he was not sure the son was his. He was 99 percent sure but had that little bit of a doubt. Well ... I suggested he take a paternity test so that he could put the worry out of his mind. He put it off and off until about a month before we got married and only did it cause I brought it up again. Turns out, he is not the father. He was devastated, of course, but took it a lot better than I thought he would. I feel tremendously guilty because I am relieved. Not because he is going to de-establish paternity (he is not; he plans to continue being a father to the child), but because it lowers the risk of our future children being autistic. (From what I have read, having one child with autism means having another is five times more likely than normal.) I feel horrible for having suggested the test in the first place, because my now husband is sad about it, and I also feel guilty for being secretly happy about it. I did not tell him how I feel because I don't want to hurt him further ... but I also hate keeping this from him. Should I be honest or just try to deal with my own feelings alone?
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My wife and I are divorcing after many years of marriage, and I am having a difficult time understanding her desire to remain friends. The reason for the divorce is her cheating on me multiple times, and I finally realized our marriage died many years ago. All of her affairs were with married men so her actions destroyed multiple families, and I do not want to associate with a person who has so little respect for the feelings of others. I realize we will have to interact at upcoming family events, but I would like to keep our communication to a minimum, which is causing resentment on her part and a great deal of confusion for our families. How do I stay true to my convictions without coming off as the bad guy?
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My daughter is approaching the age of big life events, though these events most likely are a way off for her, personally. Seeing her friends' lives changing has made her think about her dreams for the future a lot more. Most of it is pretty much what you would expect: a great job, a nice home, a husband, maybe kids, a chance to make a difference in the world, good stuff, and well within her reach if she chooses to stay on her current path. The problem that keeps interfering with her happy little fantasies is her grandmother. My daughter despises Granny. She has good reason not to feel close to Granny, who is the most narcissistic person I have ever met, is brutally outspoken, and has an awful, hair-trigger temper. We have always walked a tightrope, trying to protect our daughter from Granny's problem personality without completely abandoning a handicapped, needy old woman. As a result, there was not a lot of contact between Daughter and Granny, but she did witness some crazy in action. Though the parties will not happen anytime soon, I am already hearing regular pleas that Granny not be included in anything. My daughter's fears are more than justified. Granny will embarrass Daughter in front of her friends, dress like a prostitute from the '70s, find some way to take credit for any and all of Daughter's accomplishments, mock every mistake Daughter has made since birth, hit on her (potential) future husband, demand group acknowledgement that Granny is more intelligent than the graduate, more beautiful than the bride, and have a temper tantrum if people do not agree enthusiastically enough, give sex advice publicly, plus any number of surprises. It is what she does, and she will never change. The results of not inviting Granny would be just as bad and of longer duration. A destination celebration would not help -- Granny loves to travel. We have tried to either instill a sense of pity or a sense of humor in our daughter where these antics are concerned, to no avail. We have also tried unsuccessfully to explain to Granny that she might have to be nice to the kid if she wants to be loved by her. At this point, I feel like my daughter either needs to suck it up or put off her parties until after Granny dies. Do you see any hope of forging some kind of peaceful solution in the next few years?
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Hi, Carolyn: I’m 28 and mom won’t let me move out. I just finished up a master’s degree, I have a job, good friends and outside of work I have an online business that is starting to take off. Despite all of this, I don’t feel like an adult at all because my mom has guilted me into continuing to live at home with her and my younger sister, with whom I don’t get along. Because of this I’m not as happy, social or independent as I’d like to be. a few years ago, I found a great apartment, but decided to ask my mom’s opinion before signing the lease, even though I suspected she’d freak out. Lo and behold, she began crying, yelling and arguing that I was abandoning her, leaving her in a financial tough spot (I pay her $600 a month in rent and buy most of the groceries) and that the apartment I selected was overpriced, too small, etc. The fight was so bad that I had to stay home from work that day and didn’t bring up moving out again for a long time. Now anytime I gently bring up possibly moving out this year she coldly responds with, “Do whatever you want to do, I don’t care anymore,” or, “I don’t want to get into it now,” and gives me the silent treatment for the rest of the day. how can I gain the confidence to really move out this time without hurting my mom too much or damaging our relationship?
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DEAR ABBY: My daughter was married for eight years before divorcing her cheating husband. They have two children. When my daughter found out about the affair, she was inconsolable. The girlfriend actually phoned her and said, "Why are you so upset? Everyone cheats!" Now, two years later, the girlfriend is pregnant. My daughter would like a paternity test done before the kids are introduced to this new child. She thinks it would be harmful if they are introduced to a new half-sibling who may later prove to belong to another man. ("Everyone cheats"?) What do you think about this? Is it wrong for my daughter to want proof that this is her ex's baby? He feels certain he's the father, but he also knows the other woman has kept in touch with her ex-boyfriend.
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I'm in my mid-20s and in a wonderful relationship of two years with a man I love more than I thought possible. Before him, I was in a terrible relationship with an older man for almost four years. That relationship was primarily sexual. It was also emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. I got counseling and thought I was over it. My grandfather, whom I was very close with, died recently, and I was unable to travel to my family's home at the time of his death. My boyfriend was also out of town. I sought comfort in the worst possible place, with my ex. I feel terrible and will never cheat again. That night, I lost a pair of diamond earrings my mother had given me. I was overjoyed when my ex texted me that he found them. I said I'd pick them up, but his condition was that we have sex. I refused, and he said that he would mail them. It's been over a month. I haven't gotten the earrings, and he hasn't responded to calls, texts, or e-mails. The earrings have sentimental value, but I don't want to compromise myself or my relationship for them. What should I do?
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I got married last spring to a wonderful man who loves me, my three grown children, my grandson, and the rest of my family. My children and family members all love my husband, too. My husband was previously married for more than 30 years. His ex ended the marriage 10 years ago because she was involved with and eventually married another man. The breakup was hard for my husband and his grown children to accept. When we announced our intention to marry last year, his grown daughter told him that she will never attempt to have any relationship with my children. She has also refused overtures from my youngest daughter to spend any time together, even though they have children of the same age. She told her father that she is still too upset over the breakup of her parents' marriage and is not ready to "take on another family." Recently, we went to deliver gifts to her children, along with my mentally handicapped son. When we arrived, she only spoke directly to my husband and refused to look at or acknowledge me or my son! My son recognized that he was not welcome and went to sit in the car. His feelings were hurt, and my feelings were hurt for him. Is it too much to expect that this young woman would accept my children as part of my husband's family now that we are married? I am completely stumped as to how to handle this situation.
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My older sister and I are very close and very much the opposite of each other. I am practical, organized, and always try to be a good role model. She is a free spirit, dressing in her teenager's clothes and just seeing how the cards fall. Her daughter is struggling, failing at school, and thinking of dropping out. She has been getting into fights at school and in trouble with the police. She also got pregnant but had a miscarriage. This girl is so smart and has such great potential but is making poor choices and crying out for attention. I would like to invite her to live with me, at least during the school year. My husband has agreed she is welcome to live with us and our daughter. I work during the day and am home every night and weekend. My sister works many evenings and weekends at a bar and is not home with her children often. She frequently goes out partying, and her drinking habits have many people in the family concerned. I am not trying to say that my sister is a bad mother or person. She is very loving and tries to give her children everything (material) that they want, which has also made them quite spoiled. Would it be wrong or offensive to invite my niece to live with me?
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I have been dating a wonderful young woman for over a year. We just got engaged. She is smart and witty, and I am very much in love with her. The only real issue I have is her constant need to correct, contradict, and one-up me. Usually, her ubiquitous arguments have no bearing on the subject matter or are without any logic or reason. This isn't about me being right; this is about me not being able to express any sort of opinion or observation about anything without being contradicted. Some days, it's a real mental beat-down. I've talked to her about this before, and I have no doubt she is aware of the problem. I'm starting to think she does it just to further inflate her ego. How can I deal?
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I recently proposed marriage to my significant other of two years. She accepted my proposal, and we began planning our marriage. Earlier in our relationship, I told her that if we got married I would want a prenuptial agreement, and she agreed. However, now that the time has come for us to sign, she is refusing. I have offered to write a will that protects her in the event of my death. But she says that if I die first, she would have limited rights to contest my will and is worried my family would attempt to claim my investments. She also stated that in the event of both of our deaths, her two adult children from a previous marriage would not have rights to my investments. We are at a standstill. Is she correct in feeling that I am dishonoring the sanctity of the marriage by demanding that my investments be protected and dealt with in the manner in which I choose?
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Dear Prudence,
Every year my fiance's family takes a portrait together and mails it out as their holiday card. His parents included their new son-in-law when their daughter got married. This is the first holiday since my fiance and I got engaged, and they have already commented on needing a bigger lens to fit everyone in this year. However, I have no interest in being in their picture this year or any year. They sign the card "The Smiths," but I have no plans to change my name and don't feel this last name would be mine. I plan to decline to be in the photo since I have always looked forward to having my own family and sending our own pictures to family and friends. How can I gently say to my husband's family, "Time to cut the umbilical cord" and let your children start their own holiday family traditions? The thought of the upcoming family photo is making me sick and filling me with anger.
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DEAR ABBY: I am nearly 50, and learned when I was in my early 30s that I was adopted. I became engaged to a man my adoptive mother did not like. When I told her the news, her response was, "Do what you want -- you aren't ours anyway!" I was devastated. I didn't realize it was literally true until years later, when several of my cousins confirmed it. Since then, I have located my birth family, although my birth mother died long ago. I asked my adoptive mother (who was and still is "Mom" to me) to please send me all the documents she had relating to the adoption, as well as some letters she mentioned that my birth mother had sent in later years saying she was thinking about me and hoping I was well. Mom told me she had thrown them all out! I was devastated all over again. Mom says I'm overly sensitive, that the papers were worthless trash and were hers to dispose of. Over the years she had promised several times to show them to me but never did. Now she claims I knew all along that I was adopted and just wanted to find a better mom. Abby, am I being ridiculous? I still have a hole in my heart because I'll never speak to my birth mom, although my siblings have filled in a lot for me. I was able to get my birth certificate and some other papers, but would have loved to have read the letters my birth mom wrote asking about me. I haven't spoken to Mom since, and I'm waiting on your verdict now.
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DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Paula," and I have a friend I'll call "Mark." I recently learned that before our wedding, Mark made a pass at Paula. (He was separated from his wife at the time.) Paula told him she wasn't interested. I also found out that Paula kissed Mark while we were having some difficulties during the past couple of years. But when Mark and his wife worked things out, he told Paula the behavior had to end. When I ask my wife about these things, she's honest and tells me what happened. I try to keep an open mind and get past it, but haven't been able to. It doesn't help that Mark visits Paula at her job several times a week, and she stays there socializing with him after she's done working. I'd estimate they spend at least 10 hours a week together. I don't like to be around them anymore because they're always touching and poking each other. I actually counted 22 "touches" once when I was with them for a couple of hours. I have told my wife I'm uncomfortable with their relationship, especially because of the past kissing business. She says I should stop being insecure and that they're just friends. I feel she is choosing their friendship over our marriage. Please help me figure out what to do.
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DEAR AMY: My mother and I have always had a strained relationship. She loves to create drama, is oblivious to her behaviour and makes everyone else (especially me) the bad guy. She loves to get attention and sympathy. Things have gotten worse ever since I had a baby. Despite my telling her repeatedly that I want her to see her granddaughter and that we would like to visit any time, she seems to make little effort. She prefers to complain about how my daughter will never recognize her, and she criticizes my parenting. She has refused my requests for counselling to work on our relationship. Should I leave the ball in her court or do I keep chasing her so she can see her granddaughter?
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My wife and I are in our early 50s and my mother-in-law died almost two years ago. My wife’s parents were married for 55 years, and as an only child she was close to both of them. The death was devastating for everyone. My father-in-law is a healthy and energetic 84-year-old with a comfortable retirement portfolio. Eventually he decided to try to find a companion and turned to the Internet. On his first try he found a woman with similar interests and they started dating. We met her and she has a nebulous life story. She’s not sure of the status of her previous husband (her fourth) because his family took him from her care and put him in a nursing home. Her grown children are constantly asking her for money, so she has very little. We did our best to be accepting of her, but our alarms were going off. Things progressed quickly and my father-in-law is now at the beck and call of his girlfriend’s children, but started to fall out of contact with my wife. He refused to let us take him out for his birthday—we invited his girlfriend—and instead went alone with her. Now her father called to say that he’s been feeling ill lately, with dangerously low blood pressure, and he thinks the cause is the diet pills his girlfriend convinced him he needed and purchased for him as a gift! Now this has become a health and safety issue in our minds, and we feel we need to speak up and voice our concerns to him. He says he intends to have her move in with him permanently by Christmas, but that neither of them want to marry again. We're becoming increasingly worried, but are we meddling or being justifiably protective of my father-in-law?
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My dilemma has to do with one-upmanship. A close relative, my father's oldest sister, has a terrible habit of having "the worst case the doctor ever saw," or "the worst (whatever) the mechanic ever dealt with." No matter what difficulties anyone else present has, hers are always worse. Our family get-togethers seem more like a meeting of pathologists, each trying to dredge up more horrific experiences. How can I keep this from happening at our upcoming family reunion? (I am hosting it.) I am aware that this woman is very emotionally needy, but it's all getting to be too much.
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I don't know what I am going to do. Maybe move to Fiji. I am only 20, but I know my life is over. My boyfriend, the same one I've had all through high school and two years of college, just dumped me. I know I am the laughingstock of the whole campus and that no man will look at me because "Jim" didn't want me. I am considering changing schools and telling new friends that my boyfriend was killed in a car wreck. That way they won't feel sorry for me. Can you think of a better excuse for why one would be boyfriendless?
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My husband and I have been together for more than four years and married for two and a half. He has a child with an ex-girlfriend. My mother-in-law has told me that the ex confessed to planning the "accidental" pregnancy because my husband was talking of leaving her, and she hoped it would keep him around. I was quite disturbed by this, and now more so since a woman friend of his ex told me she has done the same thing to another unsuspecting man. I feel that someone needs to put this woman in her place but don't know if it's any of my business. I think if I don't ... no one will. (She's a bad person to have mad at you, by the way.) It just doesn't sit well with me to see another child used in this way, and another good man being manipulated like this. For some reason I just can't forget about this. Thanks.
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My girlfriend is perfect, but ... Ah, it's always the big but. What's my big but? Fun, smart, beautiful, but my girlfriend just won't give me any space. If we don't spend seven evenings a week together, if we don't talk on the phone each day during work, if I want to spend any time alone, my girlfriend pouts and gets angry, or cries. We have talked about this over and over again (and almost broke up over it several times), and she is getting better, but ... I put my foot down and insisted that there are just times I need to be by myself, and while she accepts that in principle, I often feel on my guard, as she often gets extremely upset with little provocation if I don't give her enough attention. Can this hostile dependency be cured? Can I, should I, even, expect her to change? I hate the idea that I love her "except for this one thing I want to change," but really, she is absolutely wonderful. Except that too much of a good thing is still too much.
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My 12-year-old daughter is friends with a girl whose single-parent mother is rarely at home. While I understand that she has to work, I cannot understand why she chooses to spend most of her free time with her boyfriend, who lives an hour away. The result is that her daughter is at my house most days after school (well into the evening) as well as most weekends. Her mother calls to check on her, but this is no substitute for the time and attention her daughter needs.
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Just a quick comment on the poor advice you gave to a woman inquiring about a gift for a second marriage. I married someone who was briefly married before. However, I was a first-time bride. It is my contention that if you accept an invitation to attend an expensive black-tie affair that you should bring a gift of at least the value of your meal. I was outraged and shocked that anyone would give a gift of less than that. If they did not attend, a similar, albeit somewhat less expensive gift would have been acceptable. I think it is incredibly poor taste, rude, and offensive for anyone to bring a "token" gift--especially if one party has never been married. Shame on you for promoting bad manners.
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the designated maid of honor has prompted me to seek your assistance. I asked my younger sister, age 20, to be my MOH. But she is making the planning of my wedding a nightmare. I had thought it would be a kind gesture if I asked her to pick out the dresses for the bridesmaids. We visited three bridal salons, and she made a veritable scene in each one. She was unspeakably ugly to both my mother and me, as well as the staff (swearing, sarcasm, and just plain rudeness). I was deeply embarrassed, and she apparently doesn't understand that this is not going to be "her day." I asked her to help address envelopes and other little things that need doing, and she refused: "Not in the mood." The icing on the cake is that when she asked if the MOH is supposed to make a toast at the reception and I said it was traditional, she flat-out refused. Both my mother and I have tried speaking with her, but that just unleashed foul behavior. I am sick of her antics and fed up with her. I realize that asking her to relinquish the "title" may jeopardize our relationship, but I don't understand her behavior at all.
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I have a problem, I hate my brother's wife. She has been cheating on him for the past year. (They have only been married a year.) She treats him terribly, and she tells me she hates my family. I have been trying to ignore her comments, but it's impossible. Do I tell my brother how I feel or continue to hold my tongue?
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My friends and I regularly read your column and just love it! Shameless flattery aside, we do have an issue and hope you can help us. My brother-in-law is in a serious relationship with a friend of mine. I actually introduced them at my wedding. The problem is that my friend treats my brother-in-law (and everyone else, for that matter) like dirt. She yells at him, tells him what to do, what to wear, where to go, and how to spend his free time. She is moody and extremely unpleasant to everyone. Needless to say, I don't see much of her anymore. Anyway, we are afraid that my poor brother-in-law, who does not have the benefit of very much experience in relationships, will ask her to marry him. My family, my husband's family, and our friends cannot stand her and dread having her at family gatherings--to the point where we are all trying to figure out how not to invite her to Thanksgiving or Christmas. In short, we want to say something to him because we know that there are women out there who will treat him with respect, courtesy, and affection. How can we tell him how we feel without making him feel totally alienated?
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My mother, who is a charming woman in almost all other respects, appears to have a grave problem staying employed. There is a definite pattern afoot here: At first, the new job is wonderful, the people scintillating and fabulous, the work enticing and exciting. After a few months, trouble begins to brew--invariably with her supervisor. What follows is less a slide down a slippery slope than a professional avalanche that results in either a dismissal or a narrow escape to the next "dream job," where, of course, the cycle repeats yet again. It is screamingly obvious to everyone who knows and loves her that the trouble lies with my mother and not, as she would have it, with the parade of horrible bosses fate has saddled her with. Needles to say, as I write this letter, she is about to lose another job. She is 58. I have tried gently to suggest therapy. I've sympathized and logged hours and hours on the telephone listening to every sordid detail of every office slight, all to no avail. I have even considered appealing to her current employer (with whom I have a warm acquaintance) to overlook her nuttiness and keep her on because, despite her Sturm und Drang office manner, she really is very good at what she does. I admit a good deal of my concern is self-motivated. With a modest income of my own and two children to provide for, I fear if she loses this job, it will be her last, leaving me to support her--and I know in advance that I can't let her end up in a welfare hotel. But her chances for finding a replacement gig dwindle with every lost job and every looming birthday. I would prefer to be my mother's daughter than my mother's mother, but my resentment is building every day. Prudie, what to do?
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Dear Ann Landers: I am 27, and my fiance is 42. We are planning a late fall wedding. My fiance has never been married before. I have been married and divorced 13 times. Please don't ask me to explain this. It would take an entire column. Let's say that's just the way things turned out. My fiance knows all about my previous marriages and divorces. I have no children. I don't want my fiance's family to know how many times I have been married. All we've told them so far is that I was married before. My biggest fear is that somehow the number might get mentioned at the wedding by someone who knows. Ann, after all my previous attempts at marriage, I feel that I am finally ready to settle down with one man and live a normal life. I don't want my future ruined by my past. I need some sensible advice.
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Dear Ann Landers: My fiance, "Wayne," is 22 and lives at home with his parents. He works full time and attends college at night. Wayne's mother constantly reminds him that her house is "not a hotel" and that he spends way too much time with me. When Wayne and I are out for the evening, he is expected to call her and check in. Sunday is "Family Day," and his mother demands that he stay home with her or that she be included in whatever we may have planned. I know Wayne cannot change his mother, but it bothers me that he seems intimidated by her. He believes that asserting himself or disagreeing with her is disrespectful. Although he complains about his mother and her domineering ways, if I suggest that perhaps his mother has too much in control over his life, he becomes annoyed with me. Wayne and I plan to be married in the next two years. I want to know if this is a normal mother-son relationship, or if I should expect problems in the future. I need your thinking on this.
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Dear Ann Landers: I am planning to be married next August. The groom's parents will be hosting the rehearsal dinner, as is customary. The problem is, I do not like the place they have selected for the dinner. As the bride, don't I have the right to demand that they host the dinner where I choose? This is my wedding. Shouldn't they do what I want? This is the only area of disagreement I am having with my mother-in-law. Please tell me how to handle it.
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Dear Ann Landers: I have been married to "Bill" for seven years, and we have two beautiful children. Bill is kind, generous, funny, caring and a terrific father. So what's my problem? I don't love him. I got married because I had a fight with my ex-boyfriend, "Randy." Out of anger and spite, I slept with Bill and got pregnant. Randy asked me to abort the baby, but I wouldn't do it. He said he didn't want to raise another man's child, so I married Bill and didn't look back. I thought I was doing the right thing. I ran into Randy a year ago, and all those feelings came back. Since then, I cry myself to sleep every night thinking of him. A mutual friend said Randy still loves me and wants me back. I don't know what to do, Ann. I miss being in love, and I want to have that feeling again. I don't know how long I can continue to live with Bill under these circumstances. Please help me.
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DEAR ABBY: Last fall, my live-in boyfriend was abusive to me. My parents chipped right in and helped me move back to my hometown. They were wonderful and supportive even though I'd let them down in the past. They even bought a house so my children and I would have somewhere to live. This boyfriend went to classes, did a lot of praying and I believe he's actually changed. I really do! Abby, he's the father of one of my children. We've started seeing each other and it really feels right. We want to get married. My mother refuses to accept that he could have changed, and makes it clear she doesn't approve. She says if I get back together with him, they will have wasted all that time and money they invested in bailing me out. She says it's my low self-esteem that makes me want to see him. I don't know how to resolve this. I'm in my late 30s yet I still want my parents' approval. Please help
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DEAR ABBY: While on our honeymoon, my wife called her first love and set up dinner for the three of us. Things were going well until I noticed she was looking at him with a little too much interest. She got upset with me when I mentioned it back in our honeymoon suite. Later, she told me if I didn't let her go see him alone she would divorce me. She went and offered herself to him. He told her no man should go through what I had to go through on his honeymoon -- and he sent her back to me.
She asked my forgiveness and wants to get on with our lives. I look at her differently now and am trying to love her as I did before, but it's hard. What do you think?
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DEAR ABBY: I am desperate, so I will tell you my problem from the beginning. I am a 35-year-old mother of three. I divorced my husband twice for the same reason. Both times I caught him with another woman. (The same woman, and she was my best friend.) Now I have a guy I think the world of. I love him like I have never loved anybody in my entire life. I can't stand being away from him. We have everything in common. He keeps telling me how much he loves me, and I know he isn't lying. He treats me like a queen. There is only one problem. He's living with another woman. He says he doesn't love her, and I believe him. He's too kind and decent to tell her he's in love with another woman. He says if she knew, she might even kill herself. He doesn't want me dating anyone else, but he goes home to her every night and I'm alone. I'm tired of hiding, but I'm afraid if I force him to make a choice, it won't be me. What should I do?
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DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a woman for two years. Two weeks ago, I gave her an antique silver pin with pearls that had belonged to my mother. Last week, my girlfriend told me she has also been seeing someone else for several months, and she's in love with him. Abby, should I ask her to return the pin, and should I expect that she will do so?
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DEAR ABBY: I have a friend I'll call Irene who has many wonderful qualities. She's warm, friendly, funny -- and if you were hungry, she'd share her last biscuit with you. Her one flaw: She treats her children like indentured servants. Irene thinks nothing of calling a nearby son or daughter to venture out at midnight in this dangerous city to bring her a cup of coffee. She calls her children daily, demanding they chauffeur her here and there, do her laundry or make repairs. Abby, despite her health problems, Irene is a big, strong woman, and she's married to a perfectly healthy man. I've been present on several occasions when one or more of Irene's 10 children were present, and I've yet to hear her compliment her sons. She shouts at them, calls them "stupid," and criticizes whatever they have done for her. She pokes her nose into their business and disagrees with every decision they make. I suspect this is displaced anger toward her first husband, who was a womanizer. Irene's daughters are not treated so badly, but they mimic their mother's behavior toward her sons; they treat their brothers as badly as Irene does. Irene constantly complains that her children don't share their good fortune with her, but most of them are struggling to survive. They do share with her to some degree, but never as much as she wants them to. She never fails to bring up the "sacrifices" she's made for them. Abby, all mothers make sacrifices for their children, but it's the love and support the children remember -- not the sacrifices. Several of her children have told me they dread hearing her voice on the telephone, and they make any excuse they can to avoid going to her home because her hand is always out. Irene is growing older, and I can see the handwriting on the wall. When the day comes that she truly needs their help, her children will put her in a boarding house with strangers and visit her for an hour now and then out of duty. She'll sit there with nothing to do but feel sorry for herself, bitter over her "ungrateful" children. She hasn't asked me for advice, so I haven't offered any, but I hope she sees my letter in your column and recognizes herself before it's too late to become more considerate and appreciative of her children. Sign me, SAD FRIEND IN D.C.
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DEAR ABBY: How do you handle providing truthful advice to someone with sensitive feelings? My sister "Ella" is actively dating and doesn't seem to handle the rejection well. This leads her to ask a number of questions she wants me to be truthful about, yet when I answer honestly, she gets mad and sometimes starts to cry. Now when Ella asks my opinion, I either tell her half-truths or avoid the situation altogether. I'm not mean when I say what I think, but I think she only wants to hear what she wants. How do I answer her questions without hurting her feelings yet be truthful?
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DEAR ABBY: I started calling my in-laws "Mom" and "Dad." When my mother found out, she became very upset. She stated that it was an insult to her because "they were not the people who bore or raised me." I did not mean to insult my mother. I just meant it as a term of endearment for my in-laws. I'm curious as to what other couples call their in-laws. Do they call them "Mom" and "Dad" or by their first names? I need to know the proper etiquette.
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DEAR ABBY: My sister, "Dina," turned 21 last February. She is planning to marry a wonderful, sweet guy named "Steve" in September. While I was at their apartment last week, the subject of children came up. Steve said he wanted three kids and rubbed Dina's belly. My sister just smiled. Abby, my sister can't have children. She had a hysterectomy when she was 16. Dina apparently hasn't told him. I asked her about it, and she said she would tell Steve after the wedding. Shouldn't this be done before the wedding?
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DEAR ABBY: A few years ago, my wife, "Sheila," had an affair that nearly destroyed our 15-year marriage. She carried on the affair right under my nose, telling me she had simply made a "good friend" on a trip she had taken with a girlfriend. At first I was trusting and naive, and then too much in denial to openly challenge the small gifts, cards and phone calls that began arriving shortly after her return. When I asked if there was anything more to it than just friendship, she lied to me. With counseling, our marriage has survived, although it is still somewhat shaky. My current problem is that after I discovered the affair, I told Sheila I wanted her to get rid of the gifts she had received from this creep, which she had the audacity to openly display in our home. Now she has boxed them up and put them in the basement, but she's balking at getting rid of them. To me, her reluctance means she hasn't really let go of the relationship. I'm ready to dissolve the marriage as a result. I'd appreciate your feedback.
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DEAR ABBY: I am very happily married to a wonderful man whom I trust completely. This is the second marriage for both of us, so we want it to last. Our problem is not with ex-spouses, but with his ex-girlfriend. Since we have been married, she drops by while I am at work and cries all her troubles to him. He has tried everything from telling her he doesn't want her stopping by to not answering the door, but she still continues to come by. My question: What can we do to stop this unwelcome company?
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DEAR ABBY: Several months ago, I left "Bill," the man I had lived with for almost four years and with whom I have a daughter. I left him to move in with "John," someone I met on the Internet. It was a big mistake. John turned out to be a pathological liar who used me for my money. I was deeply hurt. Abby, during our six months together, he was hired twice, but was fired from each job within two weeks. I bought him everything he had. He promised to repay me, but I haven't received one red cent from him. I am now filing for bankruptcy. John told me he loved me and wanted us to marry and have a family. He talked me into going off the pill. I agreed because I loved him and wanted another child. Shortly after I found out I was pregnant, I realized that John had lied to me about everything, so I broke up with him. Bill and I are back together now, and getting married soon. Since he will be raising the child, he wants his name on the birth certificate instead of John's. John is leaving the state and I don't think he will be back. My question is: What last name should my child have? John feels that the baby should have his last name because he is the biological father. He threatened that if I didn't agree, he would get a court order. Can he do that since we were never married? Abby, should I put Bill's name, John's name or "father unknown" on the birth certificate?
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DEAR ABBY: My brother "Pete" is married to "June," an opinionated big-mouth who never has a kind word to say to anybody. She frequently berates Pete and other members of our family. This behavior is disturbing to the entire family, especially to our mother. My other brother, "Seth," was sentenced to prison on drug charges. Our family has suffered a great deal of pain because of Seth, but we have found strength in our unity and have remained supportive of him. June, however, never misses an opportunity to express her hatred for Seth. She's completely insensitive to our feelings. Although she's Pete's wife, I don't consider her a sister-in-law because she does not behave like a member of the family. I would like to write her off and never have any contact with her again, but I worry that it would upset my mother and Pete, and they don't need any more problems. Abby, can you please advise me how to deal with June without starting a lifetime family feud? --
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Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
A Guide to Symptoms, Treatment, and Recovery
Picture yourself on shifting sands—the ground beneath your feet constantly changing and throwing you off balance, leaving you scared and defensive. That’s what it’s like to have borderline personality disorder (BPD). For people with BPD, almost everything is unstable: their relationships, their moods, their thinking, their behavior, and even their identity. It’s a frightening and painful way to live. But there is hope. There are effective BPD treatments and coping skills that can help you feel better and back in control of your thoughts, feelings, and actions.
What is borderline personality disorder (BPD)?
If you have borderline personality disorder (BPD), you probably feel like you’re on a rollercoaster—and not just with your emotions or relationships, but your sense of who you are. Your self-image, goals, and even your likes and dislikes may change frequently in ways that feel confusing and unclear.
People with BPD tend to be extremely sensitive. Some describe it as feeling like an exposed nerve ending. Small things can trigger intense reactions. And once upset, you have a hard time calming down. It’s easy to understand how this emotional volatility and inability to self-soothe leads to relationship turmoil and impulsive—even reckless—behavior. When you’re in the throes of overwhelming emotion, you’re unable to think straight and stay grounded. You may say hurtful things or act out in dangerous or inappropriate ways that make you feel guilty and ashamed later on. It’s a painful cycle that can feel impossible to escape. But it’s not.
In the past, many mental health professionals had trouble treating borderline personality disorder (BPD), so they came to the mistaken conclusion that there was little to be done. But we now know that BPD is treatable. In fact, the long-term prognosis for BPD is better than those for depression and bipolar disorder. However, it requires a specialized approach. Bottom line: most people with BPD can and do get better—and they can do so fairly rapidly with the right treatments and support.
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www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/borderline-personality-disorder-bpd/
When is it diagnosed?
You might be given a diagnosis of BPD if you experience at least five of the following things, and they've lasted for a long time or have a big impact on your daily life:
You feel very worried about people abandoning you, and would do anything to stop that happening.
You have very intense emotions that last from a few hours to a few days and can change quickly (for example, from feeling very happy and confident to suddenly feeling low and sad).
You don't have a strong sense of who you are, and it can change significantly depending on who you're with.
You find it very hard to make and keep stable relationships.
You feel empty a lot of the time.
You act impulsively and do things that could harm you (such as binge eating, using drugs or driving dangerously).
You often self-harm or have suicidal feelings.
You have very intense feelings of anger, which are really difficult to control.
When very stressed, you may also experience paranoia or dissociation.
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The things that USED TO be given as symptoms of BPD but have recently been minimsed or have disappeared:
Choosing a partner based on what the person could do for them, including elevating their social status, advance their career, choosing someone who was wealthy.
Being jealous of and competitive with other females, including their own daughters. A common behaviour of BPD mothers was to make their daughters look unattractive, so they would not be a threat to male attention. This usually began when their daughters were around 7. They would not let them brush hair, teeth, bathe or put on clean clothes before school. They would urge their daughters to bring home male schoolmates who they would disparage their daughter to, and flirt with.
Constant lying
Extremely manipulative
Constant Victimhood: No matter what terrible thing they did to someone, they would walk away feeling wronged and sorry for themselves.
Could not be single. But also would not do the work needed to hold a relationship together.
Used sex as a tool and a weapon; to get what they wanted, control, punish, blackmail etc.
Were addicted to the kind of sex other people would find risky, wrong, or disgusting.
Always needed to be the centre of attention; were addicted to the spotlight.
Could never be wrong. Could never accept fault or blame for anything
Inflexible, black and white thinking
Extremely shallow, materialistic, and superficial.
Chronic insecurity and low self esteem that led to over reactions, being thin skinned, quick to take offence, grudge holding, and wildly out of proportion anger or despair.
Rage if they didn't get their way.
Character assassination of their "enemies".
Extremely controlling in relationships.
CANNOT be happy. Desperately wanted something/ one as this was the answer to everything, until they got them, then they were the same let down as everyone/ thing else.
Had little insight into themselves and so would carry out the same wrong/ self defeating behaviours over and over, being suprised each time, when it didn't work out.
Always needed centrality. Everything had to be about them. And if it couldn't be about them in a positive way; (everybody envies me, wishes they were, I have all the attention, power and control), then everything was about them in a negative way (everybody is against me, out to get me, it's so unfair....poor little victim me).
Although it says above "worried about people abandoning you," it (and the other sites) make it sound like only fear drives this behaviour. But previously it was acknowledged they also had massive ego's which meant they would react with rage if someone left or tried to leave, and would seek revenge on the one who had "betrayed" them with abandonment.
Above it says "You have very intense emotions that last from a few hours to a few days," and most sites now say this. Previously they used to say these intense moods lasted minutes. The BPD would be raging at you like you had committed murder, for burning the toast one minute, and sobbing how much they loved you the next. This caused chronic stress for those living with them and left them always feeling like they were standing on ground that shifted constantly under their feet. This info would have been based on talking to BPD's and/ or those who had to interact with them. So how have brain scans changed this?
The suicide rate for BPD's was 8% but it was thought most of these deaths were accidents as the borderline had not intended to die, but to manipulate someone else. Now not mentioned as a motive on most of these new/ image management pages.
It should be noted that not every BPD has every symptom. And the severity of the symptoms differs also.
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In my readings about criminal psychology, true crime, and advice columns, I saw some other behaviours BPD's carried out over and over and over, even though they were not listed anywhere as typical BPD. Eventually I added them to my own list of BPD behaviours, and things to guard against. I am going to list them here.
1. BPD's have a true predator's sense of weakness or vulnerability in another. They would then approach the person, "mirror" them to quickly build a false closeness, get into a relationship with them, then the real person would come out. One of the most common examples of this was the BPD who would approach a man bruised by an unhappy childhood or his parents divorce, tell him they didn't believe in divorce and would never do it; then the real abusive BPD could come out once they were married/ had kids.
2. Another of the most common behaviours was to play "damsel in distress," knowing that many (most?) men would go charging in to save her. I have seen this behaviour destroy so many males and it sickens me. It MUST be pointed out to them as a pattern before they end up blowing up their own life or even in prison because of their need to "save" someone who never needed saving. Who was the ruthless shark to their minnow.
3. When married men were caught having an affair, they would often turn on their heartbroken wives with rage; accusing the wife of never having loved them, of having abused them. Where did all this anger come from? The new beliefs about the wife? How could they behave so viciously in the divorce; doing everything they could to destroy her or leave her destitute? How could they suddenly try or succeed in killing her? They weren't all previously violent. Where do you think it came from?
4. BPD's were drawn to particular careers; teachers, psychologists/ therapists and sex workers (I actually did read in mainstream media from a doctor/ researcher that most strippers are BPD).
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No on can make a man feel loved, wanted, special, like a borderline. A man can be perfectly happy in his relationship till he meets her. Then he realises "Hey I've been unhappy all along! I never knew what love was until now!" But the truth about BPD women is they hate men and they hate sex (they are legendary for doing anything in the bedroom). Most grew up in abusive situations and spend a lifetime using sex as a currency and punishing the men they get involved with (once he is enmeshed) for what happened to them as kids.
The wild sex will last until she has him out of his relationship. Once they are married, she is pregnant, or he is otherwise trapped, her masks will fall away. Although there are some who are too disordered to even hold it together this long, most men will still stay.
Learn to recognise them. Read of the lives they've destroyed until if one ever comes up to you, you are repulsed and tell her in no uncertain terms to get away from you. This applies to women as much as men since they too can be fooled by the initially charismatic borderline and befriend her, only learning she was never a friend when she runs off with the womans husband.
Don't just learn what these people act like. Learn that this is how the mind control is designed to make YOU behave: constant drama, constant chaos, instability, lies, feuds.
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Here I am going to add letters from advice columns from/ about a BPD or someone with BPD traits. I wanted to keep adding new letters to the top so you wouldn't have to scroll down, but the post would be longer than allowed. So apologies but you will have to scroll; it's worth it.
Often people complain in advice column comments about these letters. "They're all the same!" "I can't read one more letter about a bridezilla or woman who blames her daughter in law for the son who never contacts her anymore!" But that is the point. People are herd animals and do the same few things over and over. Learn to spot red flags and get away before the person can do you real harm.
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How Do You Stop a Witch Hunt?: Recently I told my fiancée, Carrie, that as a very young child I “played doctor” with Leigh, a close family friend my age. Our parents caught us, lectured us, and we outgrew the game. Now the idea of seeing Leigh naked is laughable, as she’s like a sister to me. Carrie freaked out when I told her about playing doctor, insisting it was abnormal and wrong. I’d told her Leigh instigated the game, and although Leigh didn’t force me to do anything, Carrie has decided Leigh preyed upon me. She’s livid over this perceived abuse; I’m sick at the thought she might confront Leigh or smear her to mutual friends. She won’t listen to my protestations that Leigh did nothing wrong. I don’t know how to diffuse this situation or what to tell people (especially Leigh).
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DEAR ABBY: I have been with my husband for 19 years. I offered his plumbing services to a married couple I work with. While he was fixing the problem, he became friendly with their adult daughter. She was lonely and I knew the family, so I wasn't concerned. Their relationship developed into something more and we separated. He ended their friendship and we reconciled. Things were going great, but she continued to contact him. He has suddenly decided he can't live without her friendship and has decided to divorce me in order to continue it with her. He swears it's platonic, but something he can't live without. He hopes we can "still be friends"! My question is how to move on from this. I have to see her enabling parents every day at work, and all of this happened under their roof. I feel betrayed on every level, especially by my husband, who was my best friend. Every aspect of my life, including my job, has been affected. Have you any advice for moving past this without all of the anger I carry? I don't want to leave my job. It pays well and the commute is easy. But every time I see either one of the parents, I want to cry and scream. P.S. My husband and I still live together as "roommates," as this is all very recent, and we haven't figured out our living arrangements yet.
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My mother abused my dying father, withholding medicine and food, as well as verbally, such that he didn’t say when he soiled himself in order to avoid her abuse as others changed him. The list goes on. I moved in with them for the last six weeks to try and protect him. Authorities and other family members were aware of the situation. I don’t seem to be able to forgive and forget when it comes to my mother, unlike the rest of the family. Now, most of the family wants little to nothing to do with me because I’ve cut ties with mother. It’s coming to a head, as I’ve been told my presence at a longstanding family vacation would make others uncomfortable wondering what could happen with Mom and I both in attendance. I’m suffering. I’ve lost my father and a lot of my family at the same time. Do I once again make peace with my manipulative, lying, abusive, and narcissistic mother at my own personal cost so I can have my family back? Or do I keep my ties with her broken? And, yes, I’m in counseling and have asked some family to join me with no takers.
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My older sister has no relationship with our other siblings, a strained relationship with our mother, and strained relationships with her two sons. One of her sons is getting married next year, which is bringing out all kinds of stress, tension, and drama. My sister has a hard time understanding the need for boundaries in relationships, especially with the son who is getting married. This is her pattern: She’s nice. You inevitably disappoint her. She lashes out. It’s like Lucy with the football. From time to time, her youngest son pulls back, leaving her distraught and threatening to skip the wedding, and most recently she has been threatening suicide. I listen, I try to empathize. I try to reassure her that all is not as bad as it seems. I tell her to go talk to a therapist, to go see a doctor to change her prescription, to read a self-help book. But I cannot help my sister find self-awareness. I cannot get her to realize the role she plays in this mess. I have no idea whether her threats of suicide are legitimate cries for help or attempts at manipulation. I really don’t know what to do. What should my role be? I feel like I’m not helping. I’m afraid I’m going to get a call one day that she’s taken her own life.
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My mother-in-law’s house in under threat of foreclosure after she used her home as collateral to bail her youngest son out of jail. He’d killed a man in a fight and then fled the state as soon as he was able. He stayed with his sister until she found his stash of drugs in her home and kicked him out. He then moved back in with his mother, who stopped speaking to my sister-in-law. My mother-in-law is always making excuses for her “baby,” and it’s killing my husband. My husband is the oldest child and has been taking care of his mother since he was 19, when his father died of a heart attack. I am not very fond of my mother-in-law. She once berated my husband for not rebuilding her broken fence after he had back surgery, but won’t stir to wake up her “baby” before noon. I received a large inheritance after my grandfather died, which I consider the beginnings of a retirement nest egg and a college fund for our daughter—everything my husband and I have worked for. My mother-in-law will not be destitute if she loses the house. My sister-in-law is willing to take her in, although it would mean my mother-in-law would have to move out of the state, and my good-for-nothing brother-in-law would not be able to keep leeching off of his mother. My husband agrees with me in his more rational moments, but it is very hard to be rational when your mother is sobbing on the phone about losing the home you grew up in. I can’t see anything good coming from wasting what my grandfather gave me. Even if we spend the money to save the house now, my brother-in-law is going to come crawling back in and destroy everything. And my mother-in-law will welcome him with open arms. How do I make my husband see this?
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DEAR ABBY: My close friend of 20 years, "Martha," recently obtained her real estate license. She went to work for an agency out in the suburbs about an hour from my home. When I decided to sell my house, I listed it with a large agency that specializes in my neighborhood, with an agent I have also known for 20 years who happens to live a few blocks away. When Martha heard about it, she went ballistic because I didn't list with her. She said it was a slap in her face. I tried to explain that listing my home with an agency out of the area that doesn't "work" this neighborhood or advertise in the local newspaper made no sense. Now I have lost a friend. Was I wrong to list with the best agency -- which, by the way, sold my home in 10 days? Or should I have listed with Martha on the chance that the right buyer might happen to find my home for sale?
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DEAR ABBY: I am not a pretty woman, and I'm certainly not photogenic. Over the years I have been in numerous pictures -- some with family members, some alone on special occasions. When my family has get-togethers with other family members and/or friends, my mother always brings photographs that show me in the most unflattering poses or circumstances. I have told her this is hurtful and asked her to please stop. She says I'm a "poor sport" and that people aren't laughing at me, just at the picture. I'm tired of being laughed at, and after 50 years, I think she should stop making me feel bad. Why does she do this, and do you think I'm just a poor sport?
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DEAR ABBY: I'm a new husband, and things I thought I could tolerate before we were married are really bugging me now. I raised a daughter with another woman, and my current wife deleted every picture of her -- from sonograms to her second birthday -- and won't let me keep anything of hers. I understand she wants our lives to be about us, but I try to keep it separate and the resentments are starting to fester. I'd confront her, but she's pregnant and has been extra emotional about me even leaving for work. What do I do? Should I wait eight more months for the baby and then say something? I'm afraid I will snap before then.
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Dear Abby: I have been divorced for eight years. My ex-husband has always been an attentive father to our 11-year-old son. Last year, after a second divorce, my ex hooked up with a 21-year-old ex-stripper. She is a clingy, lazy gold-digger. My son detests this female. She tags along for every father/son event and refuses to stay at home even when my ex drives our boy back and forth for visitation. Our son's birthday is coming up, and I am throwing him a party. He really wants his dad there -- but not his dad's girlfriend. His dad doesn't want to hurt her feelings, and I don't want to cause any scenes. How can I resolve this?
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I'm in my mid-20s and in a wonderful relationship of two years with a man I love more than I thought possible. Before him, I was in a terrible relationship with an older man for almost four years. That relationship was primarily sexual. It was also emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. I got counseling and thought I was over it. My grandfather, whom I was very close with, died recently, and I was unable to travel to my family's home at the time of his death. My boyfriend was also out of town. I sought comfort in the worst possible place, with my ex. I feel terrible and will never cheat again. That night, I lost a pair of diamond earrings my mother had given me. I was overjoyed when my ex texted me that he found them. I said I'd pick them up, but his condition was that we have sex. I refused, and he said that he would mail them. It's been over a month. I haven't gotten the earrings, and he hasn't responded to calls, texts, or e-mails. The earrings have sentimental value, but I don't want to compromise myself or my relationship for them. What should I do?
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Dear Prudie,
My sister is a pathological liar with a criminal record for child abuse and a history of creating chaos wherever she goes. When I was young, she regularly verbally and physically abused me. I left home at 16 just to get away from her, even though I had to drop out of school to do it. My sister was just as abusive to her four children, all of whom have been removed from her "care." Three years ago, I cut myself free from her. I told my parents I would no longer speak to or be around her. Because I refuse to be drawn into endless conversations about her with my parents, my relationship with them is better than ever. This has been hard, as they've never acknowledged what she did to me. I'm going to visit my parents for the first time since I stopped speaking to her. My mother gave my sister my e-mail address, and she's e-mailed me "wanting to make peace." My gut instinct is to ignore her, but I know this will upset my mother, who is hoping for a reconciliation. I could write and tell her I do not want any contact, but it will just cause yet another scene. What should I do?
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DEAR ABBY: I recently found out my daughter has been having an affair with her sister's husband. This will tear our family apart. It will also have a huge impact on my grandchildren. I have not yet told my wife, who will be devastated, but I'm having trouble carrying this burden alone. I feel they should be held accountable. Should I look the other way, or make them responsible for their actions, knowing the hell it will create?
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DEAR AMY: I'm an older man and have been married for a long time. It is not a "terrific" marriage, but I've lived with it for so long that I'm just used to it. a few years ago I met a single woman. One thing led to another, and we spent the night together. I've carried on a sort-of relationship with this woman, and she's now demanding I drop my wife to be with her. Based on things she has said, I know she's only after my money. I also know she's sleeping with other men. I want to get her out of my life, but she has threatened to tell my wife everything if I don't "get my act" together. I've tried everything I can think of without making her mad enough to do it (I honestly don't know if she would or not). I can't come clean; it would kill my wife (her health is poor). I know I'm a stupid jerk for getting into this, but I've never done this before and feel so guilty about it. I need help.
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DEAR AMY: I have been friends with “Jackie” for years. We are both single moms and get lonely for affection from the opposite sex. Jackie has been chasing after married men. There was one man who lived quite a distance away she would go visit. She even got her daughter attached to him. This man is married with kids of his own! I have told her that he will not leave his wife for her. She said she knows this and doesn’t care. She came to me a few weeks ago to tell me she had met someone else, and that he lives in our city. I was so excited for her and knew this is what she needed. Now I’ve learned it is her best friend’s husband! I am floored. I told her that going after her friend’s husband is the ultimate betrayal and that she should stop now before she destroys that family. She says she knows this but isn’t going to do anything about it. To be very honest, when I am ready to date again, I don’t know if I could ever trust her around my partner. I can’t listen to her talk about him or ask advice about him. I can barely look at her now! Please help. What can I do to make her see what she is doing is wrong? She is a great friend, but this is now making me question our friendship. I know she is insecure and craving attention.
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Dear Amy: Last year, my husband had a brief affair with a woman who is the widow of his friend. My husband came to me, told me of the affair, expressed guilt, admitted everything and asked me to forgive him after ending it. I was devastated. However, my husband has been honest, attended counseling with me, continues to apologize for his inadequacies and supports me daily with trying to deal with this issue and build trust back into our marriage. This other woman lives in our town. She was very manipulative and threw herself at my husband until their brief affair. Now that it is over, she makes it a point to attend the same events we do. Prior to their affair, she was never this social. She positions herself to sit near us. We move around, and she moves around, following us. This infuriates me. My husband and I are moving on with our marriage, and working hard to do so, but at every event there she is, putting herself out there on purpose. Do you have any suggestions, other than for us to sit home?
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Dear Ann Landers: Your column saying AIDS made you reverse your decision about telling a friend her spouse was having an affair got my attention. You say wives usually know when their husbands are unfaithful, but I'm not sure I have the "affair antenna" you insist women should have. You then go one step further and say that victims who claim they "didn't know" are in a state of denial or "not playing with a full deck." Now, according to you, not only have we been cheated on, but we are also dumb and ditzy. My world came crashing down when I learned my husband had an affair with someone I considered a good friend. It turned out that her husband didn't have a clue, either. Trying to come to grips with my husband's infidelity, I finally realized that I did not cause the problem and that I had no control over what he did. He was going to cheat whether I was "in tune" with him or not. I'm convinced that real friends should tell when the spouse is having an affair -- they perform a valuable service when they do, and you should encourage it. I wish someone had told me sooner. It would have saved me a lot of heartache. What is your latest stand on this? Should a person tell a man or woman that his or her mate is cheating?
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Dear Ann Landers: I work in an office with several other secretaries. Most of us are efficient and hard-working. There is very little friction. One among us, however, is almost always late getting in, and when she does arrive, she eats her breakfast at her desk, reads the newspaper and proceeds to make several personal phone calls, which is against company regulations. I am not the only one who is bothered by this woman's disregard for the rules, but nobody wants to say anything to the boss because we are not sure what their relationship is. I have a hunch, as do several others, that their relationship is extremely friendly. We would appreciate some guidance, since things are fast approaching the boiling point.
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Dear Amy: My mother died unexpectedly last year after battling several diseases that had become increasingly incapacitating to her. When my two sisters and I were grieving together, we began talking and putting together pieces of a puzzle, and determined that our father had been involved in an affair with a woman from our church. This woman was supposedly a friend of our mother's. We now know that Mom knew about this for several years. My sisters and I confronted our father and told him that we knew of his indiscretions, and that we weren't interested in any "blended" family relationship with her and her (grown) children. Dad admitted that they had been in love for several years but kept their relationship (supposedly) hidden because of us. Once Mom was gone, after a few months my dad began "dating" this woman openly and even attending church with her. Dad sold the family home and has already moved in with her. They decided to get married; the wedding is very soon -- barely a year after Mom's death. She plans a big wedding and reception. All of us are extremely uncomfortable with this; I told Dad that they should just go to Las Vegas and get married and not make a big deal out of it. But he said she wants a "public" wedding, and they are determined to do this. They act as though the affair never happened and that everything is just peachy. We can't believe that they are so dense about how everyone feels about it. Every time I am around her now, I can't help but think that some of Mom's depression and health issues were cause by all of this. How am I supposed to respond? We don't even want to go to the wedding; it makes it seem as if we are somehow validating the adultery, and I feel as if I'm spitting on my Mom's grave. What do you suggest?
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Dear Cheryl: I'm a 26-year-old male with a major problem. I met my ex-fiance over the Internet in 2003. She's from Texas; I'm from Pennsylvania. After about a year of e-mails, etc., I proposed while she was visiting me. I agreed to move down to Texas to pursue the relationship. Well, time went by and the relationship progressed. Then I went home for a week in September, and she cheated on me. Now, I'm very depressed. My life is on a downward spiral. I try to get in touch with her, but I don't want to seem obsessive. How can I forget about her and stop contacting her? How can I avoid the pain and the thoughts of her and what she's doing?
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DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 25 years. My husband, "Frank," and I have four children. Over the years our relationship became rocky -- almost toxic. Frank is an alcoholic, verbally abusive and a manipulator. (I admit I'm no angel, either.) Eight months ago, I had an affair with a former boyfriend I dated before I was married, and we got caught. Frank planted a tape recorder in my car, hacked my phone and read my texts on his phone. He threw me out of the house, my belongings placed in black garbage bags. My boyfriend has divorced his wife, moved here and has made a life and a future for us. He has sacrificed a lot for me, and I feel bad that I'm thinking about going back to Frank. I miss my home and family. Frank begs me to return every day. He claims he has stopped drinking and changed his ways. He wants us to go to counseling and promises to be a better husband if I give him another chance. I'm scared, but a little piece of me wants to see if it's true. I have heard stories about how men can't change, that it will be worse if I go home and I'll be in a sort of jail and have no freedom. Please help me.
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Dear Ann Landers: A lot has been written in your column over the years about married couples who cheat on their mates, but nobody seems to give much thought to the effect this has on the children. People involved in extramarital affairs must face the fact that eventually their children will find out. To the woman who is content to let her husband have an affair--what message is she sending her children? Simply this: Status and security are more important than fidelity in a marriage and you are willing to pretend you don't know and would rather put up with it than rock the boat. A year ago, our family crumbled when our teenagers and I found out that my husband had been having an affair for almost two years with a woman I believed was a very good friend. The hurt and sorrow in my children's eyes was unbearable. I told my husband he could have his freedom if he wanted it. His response was "No. I must have been crazy. My family means more to me than anything." Now, a year later, we are still struggling to put the pieces back together. Our counselor says our marriage may be stronger than ever because of what happened, but it will take a long time before I will be able to trust him again. Even worse, my husband knows he is no longer the apple of his daughter's eye and that he will never again be a role model his sons can be proud of. When I asked my husband if what he got out of his affair was worth what he had lost, he said, "Not by a long shot." Too bad he didn't ask himself that question before he jumped into bed with my best friend.
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DEAR ABBY: My husband's brother and his wife live next door to us. Until recently, we were all best friends. My sister-in-law and I did everything together. Not long ago, she accused me of doing something that she later found out I had not done. Even after finding this out, she has not apologized for accusing me. We were best friends for nine years, but now she won't even look in my direction. I am hurt that she accused me before she got the facts, and angry that she never bothered to apologize. How should I handle this? Can we still be friends?
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DEAR ABBY: For the past six years, my husband and I have vacationed in Florida, where our friends "Myrtle" and "Gary" share their home with us for a week. We aren't moochers; we buy groceries, pay for their meals when we eat out, and drive our car when we go places. This year, however, something strange happened. Myrtle came to the breakfast table wearing only a transparent lace nightgown. Nothing was left to the imagination. This happened twice, but since my husband and I were guests in their home, I was reluctant to suggest that she wear a robe. Perhaps she meant nothing by it, but she made other subtle passes at my husband during our stay. I kept quiet because I feared that if I objected or made a scene, the vacation would be ruined for everyone. My husband was also taken aback by Myrtle's bold display. Neither of us can imagine why she behaved this way after all our years of friendship. What should I have done? And what should I do if she repeats this seductive behavior next year?
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DEAR ABBY: A few months ago, my husband passed away. I have a little money, but not a lot. My 40-year-old, twice-divorced daughter wants me to help her buy a house. She has never been able to manage her money. She told me that if I didn't give her $50,000 for the house, I could forget her visiting me or helping me in any way. I offered to loan her $20,000 for the down payment, but she turned that down and demanded the larger sum as a gift. Abby, I am 69 years old and must provide for myself, and $50,000 is a lot of money. What should I do?
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DEAR ABBY: I have a 26-year-old daughter who has been living with me for more than a year. She and her boyfriend, who is 30, both have jobs. However, they don't pay bills or buy food. My utility bills are sky-high because they use a lot of electricity for video games, their computer and sound-surround systems. My daughter has two sons, 6 and 10; I have custody of the 10-year-old, "Adam." I am trying to give Adam a better life with security. I don't want my grandsons to hate me, but I am feeling very used. When I say anything, my daughter gets mad at me and tells the 6-year-old that I don't love them and I'm making them move. Of course, this makes Adam mad at me because I am "breaking up the family." I have given them deadlines to move, and they tell me they can't wait to get out -- but they're still here. I have told them I will move and they can live here and pay my mortgage. They tell me they hate it here. I love my daughter, Abby, but I am really at the end of my rope. By the way, she's expecting another baby in July. What should I do? I'm afraid I may have to do something legal. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last week, my boyfriend and I took his teenage daughter to a major league baseball game with seats in a corporate suite. As with most suites, the food and drink were complimentary. We arrived before the game and were able to enjoy several different types of ballpark food—nachos, hamburgers, hot dogs, etc. My boyfriend's daughter helped herself to a few things, one of which was a hot dog roll—just the roll, no hot dog. While I thought this odd, it was no big deal. About 20 minutes after that, she went back to the buffet and took two more rolls and ate them both! After the game, I mentioned to my boyfriend that I thought this was inappropriate, given that the rolls were there to accompany the hot dogs and that most of the other suite guests had not arrived yet and therefore had not had a chance to get food. He felt that as a guest in the suite, she was entitled to whatever she wanted and however much she wanted. And he said that there was no formal etiquette rule to address this. What do you think?
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What do you do when values clash? I know it's up to my husband and me to set the standards in our house, and we always have, but we now have a problem. Our teenage son (17) has started going out with his first girlfriend. He badgers us to let her stay overnight in our house, but we've said no and explained that as long as he is in high school, we don't approve of having him bring home girlfriends overnight. There were a few tantrums in which we were accused of "living in the 19th century" and then a long period of the silent treatment. Meanwhile, he has found a way around the problem. His girlfriend's parents offer to let him stay with them overnight, anytime. We feel they are encouraging our son to disregard the values in our family—something he is very happy to do—and are very upset about their interference. I think we should approach the girlfriend's family about it, but my husband is against that.
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I recently reviewed my credit report and was alarmed to find several high-balance, delinquent credit card accounts I hadn't opened. I’m certain they were opened by my mother. She has never been financially responsible. When my father died she had to get a job and has always resented it. She spends profligately in order to "feel rich.” When I was growing up, we often lacked for necessities while she bought new cars and pricey clothes. Because she raised me alone I've always felt very protective of her. She and my stepfather have now fallen on hard times, and at her request I drained my life savings to help pay her mortgage. She claimed she would repay me, but hasn’t. I have barely enough to put gas in my car, but I felt that she would do the same for me. Now, seeing that she's been ruining my credit for years, I feel betrayed and furious. I struggled to put myself through school and get where I am today. I love my mother but I need my identity, and money, back. To sue her would ruin her. I don’t even know how to bring the subject up, and I’m sure she would deny everything. How do I call her out and start undoing the damage?
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Bowing Down at the Altar of DeBeers: I am seeing a wonderful woman and I love her very much. We have reached the point in our relationship where marriage comes up as a regular topic of conversation. During one of these discussions, I shared with her the exciting (to me) news that my parents have saved an engagement/wedding combination ring for me to give to my future bride. It is a lovely ring and has a fair amount of familial history. While my girlfriend has no qualms with the style of the ring, she objects to the metal of the setting. Traditional gold is evidently out for her; white gold or platinum only will do. I have further been informed that as I go out and purchase a new ring, a "three-months' worth of your salary" standard is now appropriate. Given that I already have a lovely ring in my possession, the purchase of such an extravagant piece of jewelry rubs me the wrong way, particularly when the "tradition" of diamond engagement rings was created by DeBeers within the past century to begin with. I don't want to disappoint the woman that I love, but the thought of spending the money I could use toward our future together on a piece of compressed carbon is objectionable. Can you offer any advice on how to handle this situation?
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DEAR ABBY: I need to know if I should forgive my husband, "Kurt," or move on and start over. I had been married 26 years when Kurt called me one day at work to say he no longer knew how he felt about me. I was speechless. At first, I thought he was joking, but it went from bad to worse, and he asked for a divorce. He became verbally and emotionally abusive after that and moved out for a while. Then we reconciled. Everything was OK until a well-meaning friend called and told me Kurt had been involved with the office slut for more than a year. When I confronted him, he lied, he cried, and then he spilled his guts. I get sick thinking of the way Kurt treated me. He abandoned me for her like I was a weekend fling. He took money from us to support her, because she was "all alone and needed someone to help her out" -- all the while telling me that at age 44, I needed to learn to take care of myself! (I am a college graduate with a full-time job.) My feelings for my husband have changed since I learned the truth. Had I known about the affair, I don't think I would have reconciled with him. What I thought was a midlife crisis turned out to be a true betrayal -- but where do I go from here? Since Kurt has returned home, I have been the "queen" in his life. He is truly a different person. He says he's sorry; however, I'm not sure if he's sorry he cheated or sorry he got caught. What do you think? --
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DEAR ABBY: "Steve" and I have been married for three years. I'm 37 and Steve is 30. Steve told me right off the bat that he did not want children. (I was ambivalent.) Recently I asked him to get a vasectomy as some of his friends have done, because I'm tired of the cost of the pill as well as its side effects, and a vasectomy is easier than female sterilization. Steve absolutely refused even to discuss it with me, much less with a counselor. Abby, now I'm worried that in a few years down the line he could divorce me and have children with a younger woman, but I'd be too old to get married again and have children. Is Steve just using me for sex and companionship until he reaches the financial peak of his career? I am considering getting pregnant "accidentally" so that even if we got divorced, I'd have some child support coming in. What should I do?
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DEAR ABBY: This is the first time I have ever sat down and written to you, although I often wonder what your thoughts would be on various matters. I have a good friend named "Don." Don's wife, "Susan," is the problem. Every time we get together, she tries to impress people and acts superior. She does it in subtle ways, but my wife always ends up feeling somehow inadequate when the evening is over. Susan talks a lot about money and has hinted to her parents about "early inheritance" many times. For the most part, she will associate only with people who are at least as well off as she is. And when she meets people who are wealthy, she sticks to them like glue. Don and Susan are having serious marital problems. I have seen her in action. She has a terrible temper and has been known to throw a phone or two. Also, she's the most shallow person I've ever met. How does someone get like this? My wife has told me that she can no longer stomach Susan. I understand her objections to Susan's value system, but I fear if we refuse their invitations, Don will be hurt. Some of our other friends stopped seeing them years ago. I know Don would be puzzled if I started inviting him alone. My wife thinks I should level with Don and tell him, "The girls don't have much in common." We agreed we would abide by your advice.
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DEAR ABBY: I've been seeing "Fred" for five years and have been in love with him for four. Recently, I left my husband, then Fred and I moved in together. Everything is perfect except for one flaw. Fred got a girl pregnant. He told me he didn't love her and wanted her to get an abortion, but she thought that he would marry her for the sake of the baby. He claims he told her up front that he didn't love her, but she had the baby anyway. They named him "Sammy." We have Sammy two days a week. I don't want the child around, but I'm afraid if I tell Fred how I feel, he will leave me. He seems fond of the boy even though he didn't want him in the beginning. Abby, it's getting harder and harder for me to be civil to this child. I wish Fred would give up his custody rights and just visit his son once in a while. Fred and I truly love each other, but it is impossible for me to accept Sammy, and I hate it that Fred sees his son's mother when necessary. Abby, how can I get Fred to give Sammy up?
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Dear Annie: My sister, "Jackie," has multiple children with multiple men. She has been using government assistance for the past 10 years. She tells her caseworker that she's unemployed and lives with her kids, when she actually lives with her current boyfriend and has three different jobs that pay cash. Jackie was recently charged with fraud and was denied this month's benefits and fined for the benefits she received over the past five months. Now she, her boyfriend and her children want to move in with my husband and me because they can't afford their bills. My husband and I have been married less than a month. We need some time alone together. How do I tell Jackie no?
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Q. Abusive sibling … abusive adult?: My sister was pretty terrible to me growing up. She beat me up a lot because she was bigger, but she never touched my brother because he was bigger. I have memories of her punching me, smashing my head into a wall, clawing, and other violent outbursts. For example, if I accidentally bumped into her, she’d punch me in the head and shoulders. She would also make a show of pretending to hit me and only being satisfied if I’d flinch. My sister only stopped when we matched each other in size. Now that I have a child, I’m unsure how to handle my sister’s desire to spend time alone with my daughter. My sister sincerely enjoys my brother’s children, but she doesn’t have a history of violence with him. With me, she either doesn’t remember all that stuff happened or she thinks I’m overly sensitive or I’m making everything up. What do I do? We’re not close anyway, although my sister thinks we’re the best of friends. My inclination is to say no, but I know if I do that, it’ll lead to yet another emotional confrontation, and my parents will be upset.
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Dear Miss Manners--What is the right response when someone insults your intelligence by telling you something that is obviously not true? For example, my girlfriend left a letter under the door of my room saying she was going to her parents' house because her mother wanted "to talk to her about something." My handyman told me that when she left she was wearing a sexy top. Her parents live a couple hours away. She does not own a car, so it's improbable that she would have made it to work the following morning, yet when I stopped by her office, her boss said she went out to lunch. Also, she just started her job, and I am still supporting her until her first paycheck at the end of the month. I know she did not have money for the trip. Is there a snappy answer that would demonstrate to her that I am no fool? We have an open relationship; it's not that I am jealous, but I don't want to be lied to so blatantly. I cannot dump her at the moment because she is pregnant, and my family would like me to take part in raising the child.
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DEAR ABBY: I am recently divorced and now seeing a wonderful woman who is pretty much everything I was looking for except for a couple of issues, which concern going out to eat -- which we do often. Not once has she offered to pay for a meal. I make good money, but she is not financially strapped by any means. While I can live with her not paying, what annoys me is she rarely says thank you after a dinner date. Once, she ordered a to-go selection to take home to her daughter. I paid for it, but again got no thanks. When we arrived at her house, she gave the food to her daughter without mentioning that I had bought it for her. Other than her manners, she's a great gal and I'm happy we're together. Am I being petty and overly sensitive? My ex-wife never appreciated me, so I guess it's a sore spot. How should I approach this without jeopardizing everything else?
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Q. Is It Time To Get Over It?: When my ex and I were married, we had trouble conceiving and years of heartache. I thought our marriage was strong enough to survive this, then I discovered he was having an affair with my sister. We had a huge, traumatic confrontation and my then husband and I decided to move and make a fresh start. A few weeks after we moved, my sister gave the news that—surprise!—she was pregnant. My ex then divorced me to start a family with her. Because I'd just started a new job and had a mortgage, it was financially impossible for me to leave. I stayed in the new city by myself and eventually made friends and settled there. My parents were also very hurt and angry, but when the baby came they mellowed and reconciled. My niece is now 5 and I have never met her. We take turns attending family functions because I can't bear to be in the same room as them. Recently my parents gently asked if I would consider having a Christmas dinner with my sister. I told them I would think about it and I really did. I took a deep breath and went on my sister's Facebook page for the first time. There, I saw hundreds of happy pictures of them as a family. My ex-husband kissing her after she'd just given birth, photos of the happy first birthday party, family trips, etc. She was tagged in a status update from my ex: "Celebrating another amazing anniversary with my beautiful wife, thank you for giving me so much happiness and our perfect daughter." I literally vomited after reading that. After five years, is it time for me to get over it and try to force myself to at least tolerate their company?
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Since begining planning our wedding three months ago, my fiancee has turned into another woman: selfish, temperamental, materialistic. She expects her parents, who are approaching retirement, to bankroll most of the wedding, and she continually demands items that are beyond their means. She becomes very angry with me when we disagree on major decisions (like location, menu, the band) because this is her special day and she has been planning her dream wedding since childhood. She never behaved like this before our engagement, and a number of people have assured me it's the pressure of planning the wedding that's making her act this way. I don't think there's any excuse for her behavior and have decided to break our engagement. We have been together for three years. What's the kindest way I can end our engagement, and what should I tell others?
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DEAR ABBY: Our family has a serious problem with one sibling. Whenever we disagree with this sister, something "happens" to us. Some examples: I told her she was wrong to have started a fight with another sister. Within one week, Child Protective Services was knocking on my door. My other sister had a quarrel with her, and the very next day that sister went to drive to work and found that "someone" had smashed the windows in her car. My brother said something she didn't like one day. She visited him a few days later, and the next day his parrots (he breeds parrots) were dead. (She actually bragged to other family members about the parrots and Child Protective Services.) All three of us get prank calls, and we have spotted her repeatedly driving by our homes. Our parents think these are just "coincidences" and we're making a big deal out of nothing. Now this sister needs to go in for surgery, and our parents think we should rally around her. The three of us want nothing more to do with her. I have even instructed my children to call the police if she ever comes to our home again. Please print this letter, Abby. We are hoping it will help our parents see through her and open their eyes. But in the meantime, we don't know what to do next. Any ideas?
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DEAR ABBY: My 22-year-old niece, "Brittany," married her boyfriend of many years last month in a lavish production of a wedding financed entirely by her father (my brother). On the invitations, it was mentioned that their home was fully furnished, so in lieu of gifts, they'd appreciate money for their honeymoon to the Dominican Republic. Most family members generously complied and chipped in $300 to $500 each. My widowed grandmother, who lived on a fixed income, even sent them $50. Four days after their return from the honeymoon, Brittany threw her husband of two weeks out of the house and moved in her new boyfriend, whom she'd first met when he "entertained" at her bachelorette party three weeks prior. To say we are all surprised is putting it mildly. No one has heard from Bittany since, and no explanation was offered. My mother recently got her on the phone, and Brittany quickly ended the conversation by claiming that all the money had been "spent" and that her now ex-husband had any funds that remained. (We know this can't be true because the distraught groom recently approached my brother and asked him to pay for the annulment.) Doesn't etiquette dictate that Brittany return all gifts -- including cash -- as the marriage ended just days after the checks cleared the bank? Is this why there's a 12-month window in which to send wedding gifts? -
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My husband had an affair with a crazy woman. When he left her she began harassing me with mean emails, phone calls, etc. Eventually this escalated into vandalism. She keyed my car and broke some of my garden statues. Once I caught her in the act, and in her attempt to get away she hit me in the face and the back of my head with a large rock. Thankfully, I wasn’t badly hurt. I called the police and she was arrested. If convicted she could face several months to several years in prison; this isn't her first brush with the law. The issue is she has two elementary-school-age children. If she goes to jail there is no one who can or is willing to take them in. There's a possibility they could end up in foster care. For that reason, my mother and some friends (though not my husband) have been pressuring me not to press charges. I feel for these kids. I am a mother myself. But it makes me sick to think this awful person might walk away from her crimes without punishment. What should I do?
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Dear Amy: My husband of 20 years is in the middle of a major midlife crisis. He is unsatisfied with his job, our home and his life in general. Things he used to enjoy have been pushed aside. He complains about everything, and has decided that he has been unhappy being married to me for the last 15 years. He has a woman friend who suddenly has become his "right arm," and they have lunch together daily and spend hours on the phone with each other. He claims they are just friends, but he also told me he has fallen in love with her. She is married and supposedly has no intention of leaving her husband, but she knows how my husband feels about her and encourages their relationship. My husband is on the fence about whether or not he should stay married, given the situation. He says he still loves me, but he's just not in love with me. He claims he's trying to figure out what will make him happy. I, on the other hand, am miserable because I desperately love him and want us to work things out. He is cycling in and out of depression, and he flip-flops back and forth about staying together.
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Dear Ann Landers: I am a 42-year-old single mother. I have an adolescent son who causes problems at home and at school. When I was married my husband was physically abusive. I am now involved with a married man who never brings me flowers or sends me a card on my birthday. Even though I gave him a Christmas present last year he never gave me one. I would just love to put on a pretty outfit and join him at a nice restaurant for dinner. Instead, every two weeks we meet for 30 minutes of meaningless sex. I end up feeling degraded and mad at myself. I cannot change the past, but I do have control over the future. What in the heck is wrong with me, Ann Landers?
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Q. How to tell people my husband left me: My husband of three years moved out last week and has no interest in reconciliation. I work in a large office where most people have known me through my entire relationship with my husband (seven years). We were very much in love, so this will come as a shock to everyone—it was a shock to me! I have continued going to work because I don't want to sit at home and cry, but I'm not ready to tell anyone, but my closest friends. What do I say when people ask me how Jim is doing? And when I am ready, how do I tell my co-workers and clients? I don't want to be an object of pity.
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DEAR ABBY: When our son got married 10 years ago, we tried to establish a relationship with his wife. We found her to be strong-willed and controlling, and sadly accepted that she was determined to exclude us from their lives. We realized she didn't want to share him with anyone else. We spent no holidays together, but when I requested to see them once a year on my son's birthday, we would meet halfway for a meal to keep the visit short
After they had two children, we were allowed to see them on their birthdays. Gifts were always accepted and we were thanked. As the years passed, we were also allowed some phone calls and Skyping. But now, since his father died last year, my son agrees with his wife that no further contact with me is necessary. I have two questions: First, do I continue to send gifts and cards to them? Second, if the children, now 5 and 7, are no longer allowed to see me, do I change my will?
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Entwined With a Twin: My twin sister and I have shared everything out entire lives and have been very close in the past because of this. Recently we both graduated college, and while I was lucky to have majored in something that appeals to employers, she has assumed she would live a lifetime as an academic. When she didn't get into the Ph.D. program of her choice, she spiraled. I invited her to live with me while she gets her life figured out. Now she expects me to pay for everything! She acts like she is entitled to a piece of the happy life I'm working on building because we share everything. She is deeply in debt to me already and spends what little money she does make on herself, letting me and my live in boyfriend pay for bills and food. At the same time, she is viciously jealous of me for having a reasonably well-paying job as well as a stable home. This is taking a toll on my relationship with my boyfriend (whom she also regularly abuses), and everyone says she's using me. But she has no where else to go! I can't kick her out to the street, and our parents are of no help as neither of them has a job, either. I want to help her so much, but I can't take this abuse for much longer; she's turning my happy life wretched. What should I do?
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My husband and I are in our late 30s and I am lucky to be able to raise our three young children full-time. My father gave each of his three daughters money to buy our homes as wedding gifts. Although my mom left him when I was in my teens, we all managed to spend holidays together and life was pretty darn perfect. Five years ago he met a woman with two teenagers, fell in love and remarried. I couldn't stomach being around her and her children in the beginning. But I have accepted that I have had this person shoved into my life and have come to like her. I hate to admit it, but her children are good kids. But it sickens me to see this happy little family living in my childhood home, and I refuse to visit. They take my three girls to dinner or movies once a week, but it’s my father’s wife who calls to make the plans. I’ve decided unless my father asks, I will refuse to respond. My sister says I should be glad that at almost 70 years old he is happy, and to cut them some slack. But this is eating me up and I am getting to the point where I am honestly done with my father. How do I get through to him?
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Our son got married last week at our house. It was a lovely wedding, and everything went wonderfully. Until now -- now we have bills coming to us for things that we did not agree to pay for. We told our son our budget ahead of time. We were clear about what we would provide, and I think we were quite generous. We spent at least as much as the bride's family, maybe even more. Our son's birth mother (my husband's ex-wife) took it upon herself to bring food to the wedding (which we did not solicit but were grateful for), and now she insists we pay her for it! She also took our son and his fiancee to a rental company to rent chairs for the wedding, which at the time I thought was nice. But then she had the bill sent to us! This was not part of the expense that we agreed to before the wedding. These bills amount to an additional $600. That is a ton of money to us, and we can't afford it. The ex-wife did not ask us or get authorization for these things -- yet she is now demanding that we pay these bills that she incurred. I feel hurt because our contribution to the wedding is being diminished, and my husband and I are now being painted as cheapskates. I would like your opinion because this is causing quite a rift with our son. --
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DEAR AMY: My sister and I have been estranged for several years. The issues involve mistrust, dishonesty, financial and emotional manipulation, and her choice to marry my ex-husband! After this she has proceeded to spread untrue information about me to our extended family and friends, in an effort to sway their feelings about me and my family. I could cite more instances of outrageous behavior, but I think you get the picture. What is your take on this? What am I supposed to say to people when they suggest that my sister and I make amends with each other? I’m up to my eyeballs with this.
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DEAR AMY: How do I call a truce on sibling rivalry and form a relationship with my only sister? my younger sister has always felt annoyed to be “in my shadow,” and often accuses my parents of loving or favoring me more. In actuality, she has received the best of everything (private college, vacations, new cars, huge wedding), which has always been fine with me, because I have very different interests. She lives in the same town as my parents and I’m out of state, so she is much closer to them. I’m very down to earth and she is very social — into fashion, friends, wealth and social status. Our differences don’t bother me, but I can’t seem to develop a friendship with her. She shows zero patience or empathy for me, though she does for her many friends. The situation saddens me. I want to have her in my life. The final straw (for her) was when I disclosed that I am expecting my third child (due four months after her first). I was excited that we could share our pregnancies. Instead she cut off all communication with me. She told our parents that she doesn’t think they’ll be excited for her child. This is ridiculous. She’s speaking less to my parents (they think they embarrass her), but her worst treatment is for me. By all accounts she has “won” the sibling rivalry and has better and more of everything that she could want in life. So why isn’t she kinder to me? How can I build a bridge with her? -
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DEAR AMY: My wife had an emotional affair with a friend from childhood. We worked hard to put the affair behind us, and it was a difficult task. She now wants to go to his high school reunion — a class that she was not even a member of. She says the invitation is open to classmates and other family members. I was flabbergasted that she would even suggest going. Things like this trigger memories of the pain I went through for several years.
I don’t believe she should go, and I can’t understand why she would even suggest it under the circumstances. And why would she even run the risk of it causing further damage to me and to our marriage? I'm the bad guy for not understanding her side of it. I would welcome your advice. -- Flabbergasted
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Q: I have a 26-year-old daughter who is incapable of making life decisions. She was raised as an only child (she has an older half-sister) and her father and I spoiled her. I admit there was not enough discipline. She has been wild since age 14. She had two broken engagements before her first marriage. In March, her husband caught her cheating on him and within a week they got a quickie divorce and she moved down south with the new guy (he also got a divorce). She soon learned she was pregnant. She and the new guy got married. She claims it is his child, but I don't think she knows for sure. She lies so much, I don't believe half of what she tells me. They came home last weekend and we had a baby shower. There weren't many family members there because everyone in the family is upset at the way she treated her ex-husband. I agree with them. our daughter now wants to move back to our state. I wish they would stay where they are for a while and let the gossip slow down. She acts like everything is normal and has no remorse. I love her very much but am so ashamed of her I don't know what to do. -
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My girlfriend and I are in the process of ending our relationship. We’ve done therapy, tried everything, but it’s over. We still love each other and intend to stay in touch even after we move apart. If we move apart. Right now, we’re still sharing a flat (although it’s a big place, so fairly easy to carve out personal space) for practical and financial reasons, and maybe emotional too—we’re not quite ready to part. We’d initially agreed to talk about ways to separate—her staying in the flat, me moving out, both of us leaving, etc.—and I thought things were going well. I mentioned moving out by spring at the latest. But now, she’s talking about living together indefinitely—she mentioned five to 10 more years! I know she’s scared of living on her own (she’s already dating someone new, which is actually a relief for me), but I know I can’t go on like this forever. I’ll miss her, but I have to move on, and there’s only one way of doing that. She insists that this needs to be a joint decision, i.e. I can only move out when SHE is ready. I think that’s unreasonable. What do you think?
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Why should I?: My on again/off again boyfriend of 15 years wants me to leave my husband and be with him. But he refuses to divorce his wife even though they are $50,000 in debt because of her. He refuses to help her until she helps herself. Now he’s allowing his children to make the same spending mistakes by letting his oldest go into debt for college out of state instead of making a better financial decision with an in-state college. I told him why should I leave my husband who provides for me and isn’t in debt for a person who complains about his wife all the time but never does anything about it?
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My mother is truly unhinged. After my dad died, my mom sold their condo and moved in with us. It’s been more than seven years now. She hates my husband and has always had issues with co-workers, neighbors, friends, and family members. Her own sister hasn’t spoken to her in 25 years. I’m an only child, so I’ve always felt I have to just suck it up and deal, but her narcissistic ways have caused me to hate her behavior and, truthfully, to hate her. Mom is a young sixtysomething but extremely lazy and rarely leaves the house. Recently, one of my aunts told me that my mother seems to be obsessed with the idea of having my husband arrested. If he so much as drops a glass and curses in frustration, she’s going to call the cops and report him for violence (the last thing he could ever be). My husband and I are understandably horrified. I appreciate my aunt’s giving me a heads up, but honestly she’s tied my hands. I can’t confront my mother about this without throwing my aunt under the bus for telling me. Part of me thinks I should just confront my mom and let the chips fall where they may, especially since my family knows that she is irrational, but everyone just seems happy to let me and my husband drown under her emotional weight. I could really use an objective opinion.
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I am in my late 20s and have been married to a wonderful guy “Dave” for three years. He and his mother have always had a very close relationship (which I think is great), especially when it comes to their mutual love for a local professional sports team. They have a tradition of going on trips to see their team play away games. This went on even after we began dating, and is continuing now that we are married and have our own home. I think it’s extremely bizarre for a married man in his early 30s to still be taking trips with his mother and sharing a hotel room. He has been on three trips with her in the six years that we have been together. (I was invited only once.) I have expressed to both of them that I don’t think it’s appropriate that these trips are still taking place, and I was basically shrugged off. (His father doesn’t seem to see any problem with it.) Now they have another trip coming up, which they booked without consulting me. I have no problem with their attending a few home games per year together, but I think it’s time that these overnight trips came to an end. I definitely don’t want this continuing once we have children. Should I put my foot down, or should I just accept that this a tradition that is going to continue despite my efforts to put an end to it?
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My girlfriend is what you would call “judgy” and it’s seeping into our personal life. She’s constantly saying my behavior is not normal, which includes such things as the way I stock the fridge. When she doesn’t like my opinion or the way I’ve phrased something, she proclaims that we’re going to have a new restriction about what I’m allowed to say. When I was a grad student and took longer than she liked to study for an exam, she called up my friends to find out how long it took them to study. When she was mad that I couldn’t go out on a certain weekend, she took down all the photos of us in her apartment. How do I put an end to this judgmental and controlling behavior? I feel like I’m on eggshells. We actually have a good time together until I say the wrong phrase, don’t abide by her schedule perfectly, or don’t meet other expectations.
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I invited my friend "Sandy." She and my boyfriend work in the same field and I thought it would be a good networking opportunity for her. The day after the party, Sandy texted me and asked me why I had introduced her to the other guests as, "This is my friend, Sandy," instead of, "This is my best friend, Sandy." I sent a smiling emoji back to her and asked her if she thought that would have made her look better to my boyfriend's co-workers. She texted back, "No, I asked because I'm your best friend." Amy, I didn't know how to respond. I responded that while she is a close friend of mine, "Margaret" is my best friend. Margaret and I have known each other since childhood (we're both 38 now). Sandy responded that she didn't understand how Margaret could be my bestie since we haven't seen one another in several years. Margaret and I share a lifetime of history together. No one could ever take her place in my life. Sandy is now somewhat distant. My boyfriend thinks I should invite her out and talk about it, or just be normal and see if she comes around. Do I owe her an apology for being honest? Should I have said nothing at all?
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Dear Carolyn
When I was 16, I came home to my mom sneaking out of our house with her belongings and my younger brother. She was leaving my stepdad, and me, too. She actually left us a note on the kitchen table. I was already the kid with the “horrible” dad my mother bashed repeatedly, so this crushed me. After watching my stepdad move out and not ask me to go with him, it became clear I was on my own. I called relatives and the general consensus was it was none of their business. After years of no communication, I called my dad and he let me move in with him. Come to find out he was a nice person who made me feel wanted for six great years. After he died of a heart attack, I called my mom crying and she said, “Good, he got what he deserved.” She didn’t contact me again for nine years. Now she texts me sporadically as though nothing has happened. I reply only to what is being asked and offer no more. Over the years I tried to work on our relationship but she refuses to acknowledge any possible negative feeling I have. She says I was abusive to her (I wasn’t) and has told relatives these lies about me. It’s ruined my life and has left me without any family support. I think I need to just stop all contact with these toxic people, but I’ve been made to feel at fault for so long that my mind is cloudy. I have gone to therapy, but they don’t tell you what to do. I’ve read of your loving relationship with your mom and figure you’ll give me the sternest response, and I want to see all angles of this.
UPDATE FROM LETTER WRITER IN THE COMMENTS SECTION
I am the one that wrote the letter to CH and am filled with so much appreciation that I wanted to respond and thank everyone for their thoughtful comments. Like many pointed out, even though I've healed some, I still seem to need that validation every once in a while. I sought therapy in my late 20s and it worked well for me. My therapist believes my mom has BPD and is a narcissist and, for the sake of space and uncertainty how I could sum up the past 20 years, there were many more ways my mom abused me that make me know I shouldn't be in contact with her. After couch surfing for my junior year in high school I contacted my dad and am happy to have had that time. He apologized for not being in touch. His parents died when he was young and he had some war wounds that never healed and he thought he was too damaged to be around me. He never spoke ill of my mom although after he died it was obvious from letters and receipts in his safe that he had been sending her large amounts of money and gifts that I never received or knew were from him. My poor brother was taken from boyfriend to boyfriend's house until she remarried again to a guy that was very cruel to him and wouldn't even speak to me when I went to pick up my bro for weekend stays while I was in college. When I moved for work was when I really lost my brother. He's happy and married with kids now, but after my dad died and my mom cut off contact with me, I started noticing that I never heard from him anymore. He was spending time with a girlfriend and had even moved in with her family because living at my mom’s was so bad. It was a childhood friend that emailed me and clued in to the lies my mom was saying about me. It was so bad that to this day nobody will fully tell me what she was saying. Although my brother witnessed the abuse toward me and had his own version inflicted on him, he pretends to not know what I am talking about and gets upset when I try to talk to him about it so I stopped. He speaks to and sees our mom regularly in addition to his dad, my former step dad. I think I remind them of a time they don't want to remember. I found a loving husband that is a true friend and not a sad repeat of past abuses. Over the years I wrote a few letters with the help of my therapist trying to reconnect with my mom, but her responses were pretty cruel and rambling. She’s missed a lot of major events in my life. It’s a process and books about narcissist parents have helped tremendously. Seeing my mom after 9 years of silence at my bro and SIL’s baby shower was intense. She acted as though nothing had happened and spent most of the time outside on her cell phone. My brother gave her my number shortly after and she texted Merry Christmas or something to that effect. I replied in kind and it’s been going on ever since. I really accepted this contact for my brother. I miss him and he seems to need me to be in contact with our mother for him to be okay being in contact with me. I tried to explain to him that I have his back and we could work together to help heal some of these wounds but he just goes silent and I won’t hear from him for weeks afterward. Since I’ve accepted these texts I’ve heard from my aunt and cousin out of the blue. It’s like a bridge was lowered and I’m allowed contact again. It’s been many years since I left my hometown and these people behind so I don’t have to see them. It’s just so obvious how my mom’s behavior has gone on unchecked for so long that I am truly this black sheep now, which is funny because in my current city I’m a very successful professional and fun friend. I just spent so many years wishing for this contact and now that I have it, I know it’s tainted and even in texts you can still see the manipulation. I think cutting off contact with my mom means cutting off contact with my brother and that’s the sticking point for me now. FWIW, my husband thinks I should cut off all contact with them. Thanks again for caring. I’m still amazed at how painful these feelings can be but accept them as a part of myself and do have moments of happiness. I would like to add that I have found this period of my life is not something I can openly discuss with most people. Some don’t believe me because how could a mother do that, and others see it as a defect. Thanks for making this a safe place. 20
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Q. Stepmom Attempted to Run Dad Over With Car—Now What?: I am an adult and my parents were divorced more than 10 years ago because my father had an affair with another woman. He and this woman eventually married and their relationship has been fraught with blow-out fights, distrust, and dysfunction ever since. In the past, she has thrown things at him (without actually hitting him, luckily) and verbally abused him, but since I haven't actually witnessed these events I do not know whether she is the only one behaving badly or if my dad is also guilty of this abusive behavior. Most recently, I have learned thirdhand that my stepmother attempted to run my father over with a car, ostensibly because of a disagreement about what to do with the money from the sale of a property that they co-own. My father did not involve the police when this incident occured as he likely should have. This latest drama seems to cross a line where I no longer feel that we can just stand by and allow this to continue. But, at the same time, he is an adult of substantial means who could, if he chose to, leave the relationship at any time. How can I best help my dad?
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Q. Boulder, Colo.: How do you know when someone is gold-digging? I went out on a first date last week and the woman said to me that if a guy doesn't lavish a woman with expensive dinners, gifts, vacations, etc., he's just showing her how cheap he is. Throughout the meal she was trying to subtly determine my income. She also let me know that she'd never date a guy who didn't drive a Mercedes, Audi, Cadillac, or comparable car. I'm not going out with her again, but she seemed to be digging for gold big time. I do pretty well for myself (I own my own business), so what other signs should I look for to make sure someone's dating me for me and not my money?
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Dear Abby: My wife and I have been together for 19 years. From Day One, her paycheck has been spent on the streets. Her idea of a good time is to party at nightclubs with her girlfriends. We have two kids, 12 and 15, and sometimes I feel like she doesn't love any of us. I have caught her cheating three times. Please tell me what to do.
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Dear Abby: My mother-in-law is the most insensitive person I have ever known. When Harold (her son) introduced me to her, she said: ``How do you do. Is your complexion always that bad, or is that a temporary condition?`` She talks endlessly about all the pretty and well-to-do girls Harold could have married. It was a big disappointment to her when he married me. I was poor and plain. I have never talked back to her because I was taught to respect my elders, but I had trouble controlling my tongue when she announced to a houseful of relatives that she had saved $1,000 for Harold`s ``divorce.`` Everyone laughed as though it was a joke. Harold`s father left her when Harold was 4. I will give ``Mom`` credit for raising a fine son all alone, but it hurts something terrible to have him sit lock-jawed while his mother insults me. Maybe she has mental problems. Would it be rude and improper for me to speak my mind to her?
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Dear Ann Landers: My brother is getting married in four months. Last year, at my sister's wedding, my cousin, "Mindy," wore a tank top and short shorts to the reception. Her dancing was extremely suggestive, and her idiot parents actually had the nerve to cheer her on. I do not want to see this disgusting scene repeated at my brother's wedding. My parents are afraid to say anything for fear of creating a family rift. Is there any way to make Mindy dress properly and behave like an adult?
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Dear Abby: I read with interest the letter from "I'd Rather Be Alone." I agree with what you and she said, but I was disappointed that you let her get away with saying there are far too many verbally abusive HUSBANDS out there. Out of fairness, there are too many abusive PEOPLE. It is a stereotype to think that only men are abusive. I was in a verbally abusive marriage for 11 years. My wife would yell, scream and swear at me in front of our children. When I tried to leave the house, she would block the door with her body and tell me I couldn't leave. She would belittle me, call me names and berate me for things that she had done. Years of counseling did not help. She was powerless to change her behavior, and I finally had to file for divorce. Please, Abby, it's not always the man who is the abuser.
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DEAR AMY: My wife has turned into a self-appointed quality inspector for everything our two kids and I say or do. She is quick to point out whatever she views as incorrect or inadequate with the things she hears or sees. Her extreme and constant negativity is taking a toll on our lives as it makes us feel bad and we no longer want to be around her. It starts with her complaining -- but then, after about a minute, it transforms into ridicule, personal verbal attack, and verbal hostility. Whenever I point out to her that she has transitioned from a specific complaint to dishing out a personal verbal attack, it only gets worse. We don't know how to get her to stop, so the kids usually leave the house to go visit their friends and I usually go outside and do yard work or take the dog for a walk. As we leave she usually ridicules us some more for not just sitting there and "taking it," while she spews her verbal venom at us. When she gets this way, it feels to me not just like a loveless marriage, but like a downright hateful one. How can I get her to stop this behavior?
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Dear Carolyn: The last few times I’ve been out with my buddy and his wife, she’s made some really derogatory remarks to him, if not outright screamed at him. He seems really cowed by her, like he’s just trying to placate her so she’ll stop yelling and calling him names. He hardly talks now.I’m on good terms with both, but I’m his friend first. I worry about him (she wasn’t like this when they were dating or early in their marriage), and I’m wary of burning bridges. I know him. If I even hint that she’s abusing him, he’ll get angry and tell his wife what I said. I’m at peace with that, but they’re bound to circle the wagons and cut me out of their lives. How do I bring this up with him? I’m 99 percent certain he doesn’t think he’s being abused. But a police officer who saw her yelling at him on the street the other day almost arrested her, and pulled my friend aside to ask him if he was being abused. It’s real. Do I just bring up the subject with him, and live with the likelihood that our friendship might be over? I’m starting to think that’s what a real friend would do.
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DEAR ABBY: I am currently enamored of a lady who is sleeping with her ex-boyfriend, but she has consistently told me that she could fall in love with me if she just didn't have him as extra baggage. I have asked her many times why she still carries on with him, but she just shrugs and says she can't tell me for certain. I have a tremendous amount of love in my heart for this woman, if she would just give me the benefit of the doubt. What should my next move be?
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Carolyn: Is the maid of honor expected to pay for the bride's wedding? Bridezilla has made it very clear to me that everyone else in the wedding party is paying for the pieces (photographer, deejay, flowers, etc). She is left paying nothing for a wedding 10 times as fancy as my own and demanding things I did without, since I couldn't afford them. I am in grad school and can't afford this right now, am already footing the bill for the gown, etc., and bridal shower. But she is starting to get nasty about it. Everyone else in the wedding party is related to the bride and groom. Am I a bitch because I don't think I should pay, or what? How do I get myself out of this?
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Dear Carolyn: I've been living with a good friend, a great roommate until she turned into bridezilla, investing insane amounts of emotion, drama, money into this huge production that is her wedding. The fiance, nicest guy on the planet. She drinks a lot, stays out really late during the week, sometimes by herself. Extremely flirtatious. I've seen her kiss other guys. Her fiance has seen her kiss other guys. She insists it's no big deal, just having fun with friends. I don't think it's any of my business -- until her partying/screaming at him keeps our entire building awake. I think it's hurting her career; she sleeps in, goes to work late. Recently, she brought some guy home she met at a bar. All of our roommates heard and, unfortunately, some of us saw the lewd acts that went on in our communal living space, which was just wrong on so many levels beyond moral. One friend confronted her and she broke down and said she was under a lot of stress, that toning it down would be her new priority ... but immediately went back to her ways. How do you tell an extremely defensive, high-strung roommate that moral indecency bugs me more than dirty dishes?
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DEAR AMY: I’ve been dating a guy for two months. He is funny, smart, drop-dead handsome, generous and really good to me. We almost never argue, but there are two things I can’t get over. He lives with four other guys in a big house. They each have their own room, so privacy isn’t an issue. They’re all very good friends and hang out a lot. The first problem is that my boyfriend is naked a lot when he’s at home. The other guys come and go that way too sometimes, but my boyfriend pretty much lives that way. The second problem is that he’s really physical and affectionate with everyone. He doesn’t hug and kiss just me, but all of his friends too, and all the time! Guy or girl, gay or straight — I feel like he’s always hanging onto someone. What do I do to get him to understand that these two expressions of intimacy should be between a guy and a girl, and not shared with the whole world? We’ve talked about it, but he says this is the way he is. I’ve asked his friends to make him stop, but they don’t care how he behaves and say I should just let him be himself. I’ve told them that I think he’s acting gay, but one of the guys in the house is gay, and he assures me that this isn’t the case. What can I do?
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I have a work friend who, over the last several years, has spilled over into personal friend. She is a VERY high maintenance person; plus I always have to watch my tone and what I say/or how I say something as she will jump down your throat at the drop of a pin. Today, I came in with a haircut that was much shorter than it has been in a year. Last time I cut my hair this way she constantly referred to me at fuzz head and told me I looked like her dog. First thing this morning when she walked into my office I got the fuzz head/dog remark. In the past I had just let it roll off my shoulders, but it being Monday and me being tired, I told her - did not snap- that it hurt my feelings when she called me that and please to not do it anymore. She started crying and said she did not mean it that way and has now stopped talking to me. Question: count my blessings or apologize?
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DEAR AMY: In a four-day visit, our middle-aged daughter (from out-of-state) flew off the handle over minor matters. This daughter is a control freak who orchestrates the lives of her three young-adult daughters and husband. They all operate and apparently thrive on her instant and constant advice. At our house, she seemed delighted when she was able to humiliate and make cruel and inaccurate statements to us, her elderly parents. It was truly scary to observe her acting calm and loving one minute and then becoming emboldened and excited to tell a humiliating 40-year-old story that criticized her mother. When her fury was over and her mother left weeping she said, "You know I love you..." It's almost as if she enjoys creating conflict. After spending time with her, we're left exhausted and devastated. What should we be doing?
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DEAR AMY: I am 52 and in my second marriage. We met in church and thought we were evenly yoked. This is her first marriage (she is 43). I have two children, 10 and 15, who are well-mannered and a joy to be around. Even though I saw signs that she was not into my children, I thought this would change. It's been two years now, and she doesn't talk to them (they're with us every other week). She makes no attempt to have a relationship. She never even mentions their names. It's as if they don't even exist! I feel that if you marry someone with children, you marry the package. I haven't asked her to help raise the children; their mother does a good job at that, and we are a united front there. She purchased a new vehicle and doesn't allow me to drive it. We put down equal money on a house, but it is in her name alone. We took a premarital course, and all the cards were laid on the table. If I had known she was like this, I would never have married her. I have already told her I plan to leave if this behaviour does not change and already have begun to look for a place to stay. Am I wrong for feeling this way? She won't go to counselling.
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Dear Carolyn: Long story short: Lost my partner to pulmonary embolism soon after a married friend lost his adult daughter to sudden death. We bonded through grief, engaged in an affair (on and off) across five years during which he initiated divorce proceedings twice. The third time he followed through, and we are now married (nine years after the deaths). His family disapproves, and they have been rude during family gatherings. My husband says give them time. I would prefer to opt out of his family gatherings and have no interest in hosting his family at our home either. Thoughts?
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I'm pregnant with my first child and due in 8 days. My husband and I are thrilled to death and cannot wait to meet the newest member of our family. My mother is driving me crazy. She and I have never been close—we are essentially like oil and water. She had a vacation planned for this week for quite a while and I thought she understood what that might mean—if the baby comes early, she may not be able to see it for the first couple days (no big deal, we'll still be around and it won't change that much! or so I thought). She has been calling me daily (very untypical for our relationship) telling me not to deliver until she returns so that she can see her first grandchild within 24 hours of its birth. The message conveyed is very strong—she cares more about how the birth of the child fits into her schedule than what is healthiest and safest for the child and myself. I'm disgusted. This child will decide when it is ready to make its appearance and will do so at the healthiest time. She doesn't seem to care about this—only how it fits her schedule. I'm trying very hard to be patient with her, but it just makes me so angry and stressed. While this feeling is nothing new for our relationship, I would have hoped that a new, beautiful little life would have had some sort of impact to her superficial, self-centric lifestyle. I know she's excited, but when the first words out of her mouth are me me me, it's really hard to be sympathetic (and not tense). I'm at my wits end.
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Rosamond, Calif.: Dear, Prudence: I feel as though I'm using you as a diary. I just found out my boyfriend of five years recently cheated on me. The reason I was told is because she got pregnant. (Something I wanted, but waited, because he wasn't ready for children, hah!) We just bought a house and had been engaged for two years, lived together for three. He's adopted and insists on dealing with this woman and his new biological connection. What do I do? I still want him, which is beyond me because I know I shouldn't. I also feel that he shouldn't throw away what we have.
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St. Louis: My long-term boyfriend and I are so lucky to have a great friend who is the head chef of a 5 star restaurant, and we love him dearly. The problem is, his longtime girlfriend whom he has a two year old daughter with is mean and treats him terribly, mostly behind his back. He has invited us to his restaurant next week to sample his new dishes. I'm sure when the guys go to the bar to have a drink, she will start in on me about all his bad qualities like she always does. She mostly complains about him not buying her something that they can't afford, or how he won't stay home with the baby while she goes out and parties. What do I say to her so that we can all remain friends, but I don't feel like I am betraying him?
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A good friend and I are students in an advanced degree program, the completion of which is a prerequisite for getting a job in our field—I'm about to finish, and she's somewhat behind me. I'm away from school doing research and have started applying for jobs. The problem is my friend wants a job with a particular organization, although she's not currently in a position to apply for it. She has said that if I get a job there, she will not be able to, because our credentials are so similar. She's also said she doesn't think I'd be happy there. Because of her objections, I did not tell my friend I applied to work at the organization. Now I've made it to a first-round interview. I was so excited about the news that I posted it on my Facebook page before realizing that I should have told her first. I e-mailed her, explaining that I'd applied and that I hoped to see her when I got back to school. She wrote back that she had discovered the whole thing from my Facebook page and that she didn't want to see me. I am devastated. Was I wrong to apply? Should I cancel my interview? Is there any way to fix this?
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DEAR ABBY: I am the oldest of three 20ish children. Our mother passed away many years ago. My sister is being married later this year, and I'm planning several parties for the happy couple. We are also entering into the planning stages of the wedding, but are encountering some difficulty with my father's wife. My problem is that she wants to be included in the planning of every party, as well as the wedding. It's not because we are particularly close to her -- it's to show her "socially elite" friends what a wonderful wedding SHE threw, even though she and my father refuse to pay for anything. It has reached the point where we have been ordered to include her and her children. I'm tired of dodging the issue, and my siblings and I are tired not only of being nice and polite, but also of including her on things we are trying to plan for ourselves. Please advise me about how to handle this.
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Dear Ann Landers: My first wife passed away after 30 years of marriage. At that time I bought a burial plot containing four spaces, and she is buried in one. I have since married a lovely lady. You can probably guess the problem already. Upon my death, I would like to be buried beside my first wife, and I would also like my second wife to be buried beside me. My second wife refuses to be buried in the same plot with my first wife. Unfortunately, she has very few relatives and there is no family plot where she can be buried. She has made it clear that she would be deeply hurt if I insist on being interred beside my first wife. I feel strongly that neither of them should be ``abandoned`` and that I have an obligation to both. Can you give me a solution to this problem?
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Dear Abby: I have been having problems with my second wife. My son recently moved here from the East Coast to start a new life. She refused to let him stay with us for even one night. I had to set him up in a room-and-board situation nearby and help him find a job. Every time he wanted to visit and spend the night, my wife refused. My son may be a little immature for his 21 years, but he's a good kid. Now my father wants to come for a visit. Again my wife refuses. It's because of a remark my stepmother made three years ago while they were here. My wife still holds a grudge after all this time. I wish she'd get over it. My family is not perfect, Abby, but they are important to me. I wish I could get my wife to bend a little. Do you have any advice?
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Dear Abby: I married a widower who is 40 years older than me. I adore him, but he insists on keeping a portrait of his deceased wife prominently displayed in our living room. (She died 10 years ago.) He also has a sculpture of her head on a pedestal. This behavior irks me. Please advise.
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Dear Abby: I am divorced and have three daughters. My ex-husband "Sam" married "Connie." She is 11 years younger than I am. Connie has no children of her own and they do not have children together yet. My girls are under 18, so we still have the weekend visitation arrangement. The last time they were scheduled to visit their father, Connie came to pick them up. The problem: Connie reeked of alcohol. Sam and I do not live in the same town -- there's about a 15-mile drive between us. Now I'm kicking myself in the hindquarters because I let my daughters leave with her. I cannot have any more children, Abby, and the three I have are a precious gift from above. Had my daughter's friend come to pick her up and the friend reeked of alcohol, there's no way I would have let my daughter get into the car. I let them go with Connie and hoped for the best because I did not want to start a fight -- which I now feel was incredibly stupid. What should I do if this happens again?
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Dear Abby: My son, "Marshall," is in an abusive marriage. This week, while his military unit was training in another state, his wife had his cell phone turned off. Then she took a cash advance (over the credit limit) against the card Marshall uses while away from home and canceled his ATM card so he would not have access to money. She did all this because she was angry with him. Marshall had to leave his training early and fly home to straighten out the mess. Abby, she has locked him out of the house and made up allegations of physical abuse and reported them to his command. They have two young sons. Marshall is miserable, yet he is hesitant to free himself from her control. He keeps saying she'll just do something worse. Even with her history, he doesn't see it as abuse.
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Dear Ann Landers: My 23-year-old sister has been divorced for three years. She has been going with about four different guys and is pregnant. She is not sure who the father is and says she doesn`t care because none of the guys she has been sleeping with is worth a hill of beans and she wouldn`t marry any of them. The problem is that ``Tracy`` thinks she is in good shape with her pregnancy because she has given up all drugs. She wants to keep the baby and is anxious that it be 100 percent healthy. I am glad Tracy has given up drugs, but she has not stopped drinking. This worries me a lot because she`s a heavy drinker. Can you put something in your column to educate women who drink while they are pregnant? We read plenty about babies born to crack- and cocaine-addicted mothers, but very little about those born to alcoholic mothers. Thanks for your help.
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So I know it's insane, but one of my friends is mad at me for getting engaged during the time between her engagement and her wedding. She dropped hints for a while that she was worried about it, but I never thought that someone could really be so selfish. I am also a bridesmaid. I'm worried that she's simply gone off the deep end and that rational conversations are out of the question, but what should I do? I don't want to drop out of her wedding, but what else can I do when she's treating me as a hostile?
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Los Angeles: My stepdad acts like a child! If he doesn't like something or someone, he makes it known, and often in an uncomfortable and rude way. He will mumble things under his breath, punch the wall, or refuse to attend a family dinner if he knows someone he dislikes is attending (i.e., sister's boyfriend). Now, due to an altercation that happened between those two, my sister and my mother haven't spoken for almost 4 months now! My mother continues to defend my stepdad's childish behavior for that and any other times he's out of line. How to I help her to realize that his behavior is NOT acceptable?
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Alexandria, Va.: How do I deal with a manager who is hostile? I don't know why she doesn't like me. She's not even MY manager, really. But she asks a lot of me, and she is almost constantly rude to me. A job well done is the minimum acceptable for her—it gets a grunt. A clarification question gets withering glares and cruel condescension. A mistake elicits profanity and pounding on tables. She treats many other people this way, but not all. She has her favorites. For the rest of us, she doesn't even say "Hello" or "Thank you." Other than going to human resources (which I hesitate to do because it has turned out to be a bad tactic for others in my company), what can I do? This woman is much older than me and many pay grades above me, and does NOT respect dissent.
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My sister and I aren't speaking to each other because of our mother. My mother retired at 50 and has refused to get a job for the last 11 years. She is now completely out of money. She is moving into the home of the daughter of a friend, and my sister and I will be responsible for covering the rent—a considerable burden. I'm fed up with my mother's lifelong helplessness and dependency. Everything we've tried has failed: doctors, counseling, medication. I want no more part in the attempts at "rehabilitation." But my sister still wants to try to improve my mother's pathetic situation. Trying to clean out my mother's cluttered apartment reminded me that I have cleaned up after her my entire life, and I couldn't do it again. So I left my sister to do it alone, for which I feel guilty. The result has been a complete cessation in communication. Am I wrong for not helping my sister? How do I approach her to heal this ever-widening rift?
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Q. My New Wife, the Former Bridezilla: I just got married a few weeks ago. When we opened our wedding gifts, my wife was startled to find a book on bridal etiquette. The book came in a package enclosed with no name, just a note saying, "For next time, you might need this." inside the book, there were things highlighted that my wife should have done, like paying for the rehearsal dinner and sending thank-you cards. My wife is FURIOUS. She knows it must be one of her close friends, because some of the things that were highlighted in the book were things that only our close friends and family knew. She's on the warpath. here's the catch—I know exactly who sent the book. It was one of her bridesmaids, in fact it was her "best friend." I am torn between telling my wife and keeping it quiet, because truth be told, my wife was the DEFINITION of a bridezilla when planning out our wedding, and I felt bad for her attendants. There were times when even I was doubting our relationship. The girl who sent the book obviously has no intention of telling my wife, but I don't really WANT to tell her either. I want her to think about how crappily she treated her friends and family, including her new in-laws. Am I obligated to tell my wife about her "friend?"
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I recently went through this at my best friend's wedding. She was a monster, I didn't think anyone could be that bad but she was and alienated EVERYONE. I waited until after the wedding (previous attempts caused her to break into further hysterics) and it was the end of our relationship. She flipped out and ended up making things irreparably worse. Looking back on it, a passive aggressive move like this might have prevented that really terrible blow-up
First of all, the rest of us women take offense in being compared to bridezilla. When I got married, there was a lot of work involved, but it wasn't stressful. The preparation was fun and exciting and the Wedding Day was perfect because it was a fun day shared by the people closest to me. Later, a friend of mine was THE bridezilla! She was virtually the last of my friends to get married. I had never been through a difficult wedding, much less witnessed a bridezilla episode. In the end, the truth is, the bridezilla is, in fact, an extremely difficult personality. She has become increasingly difficult over the years, has had multiple falling outs with friends and collegues, and her behavior through the wedding planning process was simply another representation of this part of her personality. The truth is, and I say this as a woman: Using the excuses for people like, "Oh, she's planning a wedding." is nothing more than an excuse. In the end, it is a reflection of who they are and they will probably utilize every opportunity for such an excuse for the rest of your lives. Best of luck through pregnancy, crying babies, hardships, and old age.
Well, they want what they want. Men insist on demanding that a woman not be herself around them, so when the girl gets that ring on her finger, you get what you asked for! HER TRUE COLORS! Stop forcing women to fake ourselves out for you, then there'll be no surprises. I have no sympathy for any of you men. None.
Re: my new wife; I do not understand why men marry bridezillas. It is a myth that women act this way because the wedding is so stressful. The wedding is a rehersal for the marriage so beware if they act out of control, insane, and too bossy because they will be during the marriage. The stupid show of bridezillas did a follow up with most brides and found a high divource rate. Why even bother getting married. Men be wise for once and drop the bridezillas at the altar. A wedding is for the bride and GROOM not just the bride. Be Smart.
For the man who married Bridezilla, I feel your pain. It might have been helpful if someone had purchased that book on bridal etiquette and gave it to her before the wedding. I worked in a bridal shop and honestly, weddings bring out the very worst in everyone! Young women are so caught up in planning the wedding and making it PERFECT that they don't care who they have to sucker punch. They forget that after the wedding and the honeymoon are over, they have to get down to the business of being married. Well, nothing is perfect. Every wedding I've ever been to had some minor tragedy. One wedding I was at, the groom had his 3 year old nephew as the ring bearer. The poor little guy was sick--all over the bride's train. The bride reamed out the groom's sister and nephew in the receiving line. At that point, the groom asked the minister for the wedding certificate, shredded it to pieces and broke up with the bride. Well, at least she got her wedding!
About the bridezilla: women who show these traits are best avoided. You may be fine in your day-to-day lives, but when life gets stressful -- when you really need a reliable partner -- they are likely to fall back into their egomania and leave you to deal with problems on your own. Actually, I'd extend this advice to avoid anyone, man or woman, who is unhappy when things don't turn out "perfectly". These people are worse than useless when life gets tough.
And it could have been that she refused to send thank you notes---I knew a girl (luckily I wasn't part of this wedding) who didn't want to send thank you notes to anyone because she didn't want to waste the money on cards and postage. And because "people should be honored that they were invited to my wedding, and they should give me a gift". Needless to say, that girl has very few friends now.
my advice to bridezilla's husband is to run. I am actually grateful for the bridezilla complex. It showed me the monster that was hiding inside my ex fiance before I made the horrible mistake of marrying a narcissistic control freak. This was 10 years ago for me, and 3 husbands ago for her.
I feel for the husband of the bridezilla. My sister too was pretty shocking. At her showers and the day after the wedding, as she opened presents, she berated people for their gifts---being too cheap, or lame, or as she said about two very personal gifts given to her by close family members, "I didn't order this". I know my sister has some really nasty parts of her personality, but, man, the wedding seemed to give her free rein to be as ugly and insulting as she wanted to be. There was no filter, no "will this hurt someone?" in place because it was "her" day and everyone had to do what she wanted on "her" day. Needless to say, there were more than a few people going "oh, the poor groom...why would he marry such a person, what did he do in a former life to deserve that." And if any of us tried to talk to her about any of her behavior before or after, she'd either get defensive like the bridezilla above and go off about how it was her day and these other people being hurt/insulted were just jealous or trying to ruin "her" day or brush it off as she was just joking and people had no sense of humor. You either care when you hurt people or you don't. I'd love for my sister to evolve a little and have some empathy for others, but I don't see it happening anytime soon. She'll just rationalize her bad behavior as this other bridezilla is doing. I'd follow Pruide's advice---talk to her about it gently, perhaps the groom can get through to her. And if not, reconsider who you married. If she doesn't change or take your feelings into account, you're in for a miserable marriage because she'll turn that cruelty on to you eventually.
I'm glad you mentioned that you already knew your sister had a nasty side. I've always found it hard to believe that a woman who has always been a perfectly nice person suddenly turns into a raving, screaming monster just because of the stress of wedding planning. I think that most of us would cut the bride-to-be a little slack if she had one or two moments of less-than-wonderful behavior - that's only human. But someone who is so completely self-involved that she doesn't give any consideration to family and friends didn't become that way the day she got the engagement ring - that nastiness was already there.
I am shocked by the number of grooms who stand idly by while their brides go off the rails during the wedding planning process. Anyone who acted that awful deserves to be called on it, not tiptoed around. I won't feel a bit sorry for him when she turns her aggression on him. He had his chance to run and he blew it. I just heard of a story where a bride-to-be fired her best friend and maid of honor because she felt the MOH didn't 'follow through' with her plans to lose weight before the wedding. Why the guy still wanted to marry such a heinous bitch I'll never understand, but I won't feel sorry for him. I feel the same about this guy.
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Ten years ago, my brother had an affair with my now ex-wife, which resulted in twins. I have not seen or spoken to them since, nor have I met their offspring. This caused an estrangement with me and my parents, who insisted on having a relationship with my brother and his kids. recently they contacted me because “they are getting older and are trying to bring the family back together.” I’d rather have my teeth pulled out with pliers. I will never forgive the deceit, lies and deep betrayal. I have never understood why my parents did. I told them no, I would not meet, visit with, have dinner with or be in the same room with my brother and his kids. I believe I added something about I hope they can go to hell for all I care. Thanks for calling. Click. My mother has written to me claiming they are hurt by my intransigent attitude. What options do I have here?
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Q. Thoughtless SIL Sharing Pregnancy News: I recently became pregnant after four years of fertility treatments. Needless to say, my husband and I are overjoyed. We were so excited to share the news with our families. Then literally the day after we announced our pregnancy, my SIL texted everyone to say she just found out SHE was pregnant (with her third). I am so upset. She has known about our trouble with conceiving and has always been supportive. I thought she would be more considerate of our news, especially since she's done this twice before. We are meeting up for a family gathering soon and I don't know how I can face her. All the grandchildren on my husband's side are girls and I don't know how I'd feel if she had the first grandson and I had a girl like everybody else. Please give me tips on how I can act normal around her while I'm seething.
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Dear Abby: Last Saturday night, my boyfriend, "Jimmy," and I went out, like always. When he brought me home, I invited him in for a glass of wine. Dad had gone to bed, and Mom was still up and watching TV in the den. When I was in the kitchen pouring the wine, I overheard Mom tell Jimmy how "handsome and sexy" he looked. I was startled, so I peeked into the den and found my mother and boyfriend in a liplock. I saw Jimmy run his hand down Mom's body and under her nightie. When I returned with the drinks, I didn't let on what I had seen, and they acted like nothing had happened. Jimmy often likes to drop by the house and say hello to Mom, but I never thought it was anything more. What should I do? Should I confront Mom and my boyfriend? My biggest concern is Dad. Should I tell him -- or should I keep quiet?
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I am almost 50, a single mom to an awesome 9-year-old daughter. My parents and I have a great relationship, with one glaring exception. Every year they come out for my daughter’s birthday (that’s not the problem!). This is when my given name came up. I grew up with a speech impediment and could not pronounce my own name. When I was younger, I would start to cry after repeated attempts to say it when asked. As I grew older, I avoided drawing any attention to myself. Finally as I stood in line to register for college, I wrote my name using just my middle name. From that moment on I could say, “Hi, my name is ___.” My whole life turned around, I wasn’t scared to meet people, I became the me that I had been too petrified to be. At her birthday dinner, my daughter relayed a story Mom and Dad had told her and used my given name. I asked her to please not refer to me by that name. That was when my mom, with a lot of pain and anger, told me again how much I have hurt them by changing my name. I feel like I have spent my life trying to explain it to them. I love them so much, and I meant no disrespect to their beautiful name, I just still can’t pronounce it. Can you help me find the right way to communicate this? It has put an emotional burden on them that I can’t lift.
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Dear Abby: I recently discovered that my fiance has been seeing another woman for the past year and a half. He swears that I am the one he loves, and he still wants us to get married. However, I'm having difficulty digesting all that has happened. To make matters worse, the other woman is pregnant. What should I do? I love him, but will I be able to trust him? Should I marry him and live with the knowledge of his affair and love child for the rest of my life?
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Dear Abby: I have a wonderful husband. ``George`` and I have been married for 16 years. Last summer George went through a mid-life crisis and began shutting me out and spending most of his time at work. A young woman-10 years his junior, married and temporarily separated from her husband-began buying George lunch, complaining that she was unhappy at home, her husband was a poor lover, etc. Then one day she told him that her car was in the shop and she needed a ride home, so he drove her home and she invited him in ``to talk.`` She asked George to kiss her. He did, and before he knew it, they were in bed. In the middle of the act, George said he realized that he was in the wrong place with the wrong woman, so he got out of bed, took a shower and came home to me. (This was his version.) He confessed, begged for my forgiveness and we prayed together. He said it was the worst sexual experience he ever had-he didn`t even complete the act. George went to confession and told the priest everything. The priest said that technically George did not commit adultery because he did not complete the physical act. Is this true? I want to believe him.
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Dear Abby: I`ve been married for nearly two years to a man I went with for about a year. I thought we had a great marriage until I found some photos and love notes in his briefcase. These items were from a woman he works with. Please believe me, I wasn`t snooping; he had gone to bed and I was looking for some postage stamps. I was thunderstruck. We have associated with this woman and her husband since we started going together, but I never suspected there was anything between her and my husband. My husband claims that the affair lasted for only a short time and it was over long before I found the items. He begged me not to talk with her about this, as it would make his life miserable at work, and jobs are scarce. After the initial shock subsided, I forgave him and agreed not to bring it up again. Now I`m wondering if I would feel better knowing more about what happened, when, and for how long. Or would it be better to just try to put it out of my mind? (It`s not easy. Just because I don`t talk about it doesn`t mean I don`t think about it.)
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Dear Abby: You have helped so many people, I hope you can help me. I have been married more than 20 years, and we have two lovely daughters. Everything was fine until my wife started to work as a secretary for a bank branch manager. When I found out they had been having an affair for nearly two years, it crushed me. I asked my wife if she wanted a divorce, and she said, "No." I didn't either for the sake of the children and, strange as it sounds, I still loved her. She agreed to quit working there, and about the same time the branch manager got transferred to a branch in another city, so I thought everything was all right. She then took a job as a secretary to an attorney in a law firm. I became suspicious when I would call her at the office at 2 or 3 in the afternoon and was told, "She and Mr. `Jones' went to lunch and then to see a client to take a deposition." A private detective discovered that the "deposition" was taking place in a motel! When I confronted her, she admitted that she and her boss were having an affair. We saw a counselor and our pastor, but my wife insisted it was no big deal and everyone was doing it. She still doesn't want a divorce and assured me it was over as far as her cheating goes. She now works in an office with only women, so I'm hopeful her cheating is a thing of the past. Abby, how do I cope with the second infidelity, since it, too, lasted more than a year? I want to save our marriage because of the kids. I saw a psychiatrist, but he didn't help much. Any advice, Abby? I'm really hurting.
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Dear Abby: I had an ongoing affair with a married man for four years. His wife found out about it and issued an ultimatum. He is still with his wife. He says it's a matter of convenience, family and money, but he swears he loves me and begs me to be patient. He says that we will be together as soon as the time is right and he has had a chance to work things out. My sister says I am just a "convenience" for him and I add a little excitement to his life, and if he really loves me, he would end his marriage and marry me. Abby, I don't want to believe this, but it's been two years, and I am tired of waiting. I am also married with children and would like to start making plans for my future. Can you tell me what percentage of married men actually leave their wives and marry their mistresses?
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Dear Abby: I went into our home office and noticed that my wife had left her e-mail on. I spotted an odd name, so I opened one of the messages and my jaw dropped. It was from a man with whom my wife was having an affair. The e-mails were so graphic as to leave nothing to the imagination. This person is someone with whom my wife had an affair before we got together. He was going to leave his wife and live with her before we met, but he stayed with his wife and just used mine for sex. One of the messages discussed a planned meeting that did not take place -- only because he got stuck at work. She e-mailed him and told him he could stop by the house any night after 10 and have sex for an hour or two because our 5-year-old son and I were sleeping in other bedrooms! She insists that "nothing happened." We have been seeing a therapist who believes my wife, and says that because "nothing happened" it wasn't an affair. I disagree. Am I wrong?
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My Sister-in-Law Makes Our Kids Compete: My sister-in-law and I are both mothers to beautiful girls who are about the same age. What I find disconcerting is that every time she visits, my sister-in-law wants to know about my daughter's grades, how many friends she has (and their social status!), what toys she has, and even compares the girl's sizes with comments like, "My daughter is so tiny and petite, and yours is getting so big!" These comments are incredibly hurtful; usually I've just walked away when she starts with the comparison game. But now these games are clearly affecting her daughter, too. I've noticed that my niece will often pry my daughter for the same answers, and appears visibly distraught if my daughter happens to be doing better in some area of life. Apparently, my sister-in-law was upset one night that my daughter is, in her words, "more beautiful" than her own—and this was something my niece told me. I'm heartbroken for the pain my sister-in-law is causing this child. I grew up with friends who were constantly told they were not good enough, and as a result, they could never make friends because they ended up being so competitive. I'd hate to see the same happen to my niece. I have also tried complimenting my niece or my daughter when I notice my sister-in-law getting critical, but I am unsure about how to approach this. I wouldn't put it past my sister-in-law to keep my husband and me from seeing my niece.
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Recently my cousin, who was a high-school teacher, left her husband. Turns out she had taken up with one of her underage students. Her husband, whom I'm very close to, was devastated. This has been a repetitive pattern with her. This is her second marriage and her second infidelity. My question is about the revulsion I feel around her. At a family gathering, this narcissistic twit had the audacity to bring her now-18-year-old beau. I can't accept my cousin's little boy-toy as a member of the family, and I can't stand the vile smirk on her face when she thinks that no one knows what happened. Would it be sanctimonious of me to boycott the next gathering if she brings him?
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Dear Margo: Help! My co-worker is driving me crazy. When I was hired, she insisted on buying me lunch despite my protests. I would buy hers to keep it even. It was expensive, and I kept trying to stop it. She refused to listen. She kept calling me her friend. I did not want to be her friend. She had a nasty reputation. I had been around her when I temped for the company, and when anyone disagreed with her, she said she had worked for a large company out east, as if that made her right. She was divorced, and the reasons for her divorce would expand whenever she heard someone else’s problems. Her life story keeps evolving, too. She was molested by a teacher; she is on several medications; she was abused by her father. She spends more than four hours a week talking to her mother at work, and the rest of her family calls her after the boss goes home. She always has a special project that keeps her from doing her share of the work. And that is the tip of the iceberg. I am tired of the drama and of being called her friend. I treat her fairly, but would not be sorry to see her leave. We work the evening shift; the day shift does not want her, as she is too disruptive. Management is blind, as she sucks up to them. I have put up with her for almost two years and am ready to go into therapy. I am a solitary person. I don’t need the stress that working with her brings. — Going Crazy
Letter #2: I worked with a kook like this for 6 years. She was a promiscuous (referred to by men on a dating website of “FDFS” – First Date For Sure) drama queen who was tearfully heartbroken at work every time a man who she slept with “broke up” with her. She had absolutely no personal boundaries regarding what kind of intimate, personal information she would share with whomever happened to be listening. If she knew anything about my life, that would be shared around as though she had somehow participated in the event. I asked her over and over to please leave me out-of-the-loop. After about six months I finally pulled her into a conference room and told her that I no longer would listen to any personal conversations, no would I discuss any of my personal life in front of her. I would work with her and discuss work-related information, but NOTHING personal. Management was well aware of her issues, since she didn’t leave them out-of-the-loop either. I worked with her on that basis for the next five years. She was also very adept at avoiding actually working, while somehow taking credit for projects she was on which she was a peripheral player. It was amazing to see. I went to our mutual boss more than once, even documenting the issues via email (which lives forever on the server). He is an attorney, VP of the department, not a dummy, but a very poor manager. Nothing was done. I think he was conflict-averse. The politics of the company made it unsafe to go over his head with the issues. Finally, after 12 years with the company, I left. It was the only answer. After I left, one of the other attorneys with whom I worked asked a coworker if I had copied upper management on that email. I had not, it was not my battle to fight, but I conveyed to my coworker that he had the authority to get the email from IT and run with it. He also did nothing, and has since left the company. I cannot imagine why she has been allowed to continue at that job. But she’s still there, still being disruptive and unproductive. I’ve been gone for a year, and I’m still angry; but at least I’m not dreading going to work every day.
You answered your own question. She was promiscuous. Guaranteed she was “doing” the boss on demand. That’s why he never did anything about her. Saw it at my old job. Co-worker dated and such, but at the same time was giving our boss BJs in the stairwell, so was never fired even though she constantly made mistakes and ended up just creating more work for the rest of us, as we were always fixing said mistakes. We were a small office and our boss was very nice to the rest of us, very professional, never so much as made a pass at the me or the other female. He knew the difference between a woman with self-respect and a little gold digger and treated each accordingly.
I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to read the responses to LW2. I worked at a job that I loved for 10 years. We hired a woman who was so disruptive to my work life that I finally left a year after she was hired. For some reason, she targeted me as the person to whom she should tell her problems, life story, aches, pains, struggles, issues with other women, tried to pull me into office gossip which I had previously avoided and attempted to set up an “us against her” coup in our three woman department. She would come into my office every morning to kvetch for at least two hours. Ours was a social service agency and my boss had encouraged me to try to help her. So,I listened to her passive-aggressive BS, tried to counsel and found myself entangled in a nightmare. I won’t go into the specifics, which would take a lot more time to write about than I have now and would make for boring reading for everyone else. Yes, I should have set firmer boundaries, but this person presented herself so charmingly at first that I allowed myself to be sucked in. By the time it was too late and I was seeking the wisdom of my supervisor and the E.D., I was enmeshed in the most toxic relationship of my life. I left a job and a mission that I loved because of this person and I have been emotionally beating myself up for that mistake. Your responses to this similar situation have helped me finally see that I did the right thing. I’ve been feeling bad about being driven off. Now, I’m beginning to understand that I did the right thing for me. Whew!
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Death Around the Holidays: A man I work with and with whom I've had an affair the last two months died suddenly over the weekend. I am pregnant with his child. He didn't know. His current wife, now widow, doesn't either. How do I broach this subject? His estate is rather large.
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Dear Carolyn: My only child, his wife and two children live a substantial distance away. Both my son and daughter-in-law have highly demanding, stressful careers. My husband and I are self-employed, so we can be flexible. We see our son and his family every couple of months and try to be as helpful as the distance permits. We have, for example, several times gone to visit on short notice to babysit. Although my daughter-in-law can be effusively appreciative, she frequently scolds me or my husband. I have received e-mails that do not say, “Dear MIL, thank you for your help,” but rather, “You left the garage door open and a raccoon could have turned over the garbage. You need to be more careful.” Once, when we were 45 minutes late getting home with the children from play group, I received an e-mail chiding me for not being respectful of her parenting preferences. When we take the family on nice vacations (often to a location she has chosen), she complains that someplace else would have been better. When I asked my son how I should respond to her criticism, he said she doesn’t intend to be mean, but she reacts/types without thinking. Of course, it is important to have a good relationship with her, we appreciate that we get to see our grandchildren often and we don’t want to put our son in the middle. Should we just ignore her critiques?
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Dysfunctional Family Event: A few years ago, my mother, attending a big event of one of her grandchildren, got royally drunk and started verbally attacking her ex, my father (divorced for 25 years). It was awkward and embarrassing for all the guests who saw it. I confiscated her car keys and drove her home, while she verbally attacked me for suggesting she was drunk. She remains defensive and unapologetic to this day. So the next big event with both Mom and Dad is coming up. I'm dreading the role I have to play. Other than having her drive with my family to the event and warning the bartenders to water down her vodka, any thoughts on how to cut this off before it happens again? Even if I try to talk to her in advance about it, she will get defensive and deny it again (and accuse me of betraying her).
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My wedding is 59 days away, and I am concerned about my future mother-in-law's dress. She is a wonderful woman who makes me feel accepted as her son's choice for a wife. But with only two months left before the wedding, she had finally begun her search for a dress. Last Sunday, my mother-in-law held my bridal shower at her house. My mother told me that while she was there, she saw a photo of the dress my mother-in-law picked out. She described it as "young, low-cut, and flowing." I wanted to get to the bottom of this, as my mother-in-law had not even informed me that she had purchased anything. So, after the party, I sent her an e-mail, and she sent me a picture of the dress. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. My 51-year-old mother-in-law has picked out a dress with a wispy skirt, a V-neck, and spaghetti straps. It's fit and styled for someone my age—25! And it's robin's egg blue—which doesn't even go with my champagne-colored dress, the bridesmaids' sage green, the chocolate brown tuxes, and my mother's pale pink dress. I can't swallow the fact that she would attempt such a daring wardrobe choice on a day so important to me and her son. This dress has been ordered and is not set to arrive until two weeks before our wedding! I really need advice on how to tell her that I do not feel it is appropriate to wear.
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My best friend "Anita" told me a year ago that a woman had come forward to say she was her half-sister from a relationship their father had in his early 20s. Everyone welcomed "Penny" into the family, no questions asked. They included her in family events, photos -- you get the picture. A month ago, Anita asked to come over and I could tell she was upset. When she arrived, she told me of the most horrible betrayal. She came home from college a day early only to find her dad and Penny having sex! Seems the "daughter" story was a cover so that her dad could include his stripper mistress in all the family activities. Anita called her mom immediately after catching them; Mom went home to confront Dad and Penny; and in the most cruel, sick way, he said he wanted to flaunt his "daughter" to the family because he was making up for lost time in the sex department, and had also bought her a car and paid for credit cards in her name. Anita's mom has filed for divorce, and she and her brothers and sisters refuse to have any contact with their father. Anita has been going to counseling and was told that her father was pathological. She has decided to change her last name to her mother's maiden name to avoid the shame caused by her father. This is a small area and everyone knows. I feel bad for my friend and have tried to be as supportive as possible, but some issues only a professional can deal with. She knows I am writing to you to warn others of wolves in sheep's clothing. There should have been DNA testing, but the family trusted both of them. It is all so sad.
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I went to college with two friends who are now a couple. I currently work with the boyfriend while his girlfriend works in a different organization down the street from us. When the three of us get together or I ride with them to see mutual friends, the topic of work inevitably comes up between me and the boyfriend, including some inside jokes. This is perfectly natural! But I think the work talk makes the girlfriend jealous. On a couple of occasions, the boyfriend has asked me not to talk about work when his girlfriend is with us, and recently when I talked about work he kept explaining to her what I was talking about. If she has a problem with me, shouldn't she address it directly with me? I feel like she is talking about me behind my back to her boyfriend, and I've noticed she's been rather cold to me. I just don't think I've done anything wrong, and I worry my co-worker and friend is caught in a dysfunctional relationship with someone I'm now realizing is very possessive and insecure. What can I do to convince her I'm just making conversation, especially if she's avoiding me?
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DEAR ABBY: I am 28 and engaged to marry a wonderful man, "Ryan." Before I met him, I was involved in an affair with my married boss and was deeply in love with him. (I still am.) We continued our affair even after I met Ryan, and now I think I'm pregnant. I told my boss and, naturally, he's not happy about it. I don't know how to tell Ryan or if I even want to. I have always wanted to be a mother, and now I have the chance. But I may end up doing it alone in poor financial shape. I also won't have a home to live in once my old-fashioned mother finds out I've gotten myself pregnant before marriage. Any advice?
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My husband and I are newlyweds. He had a long-term relationship with a woman who turned out to be married. When they first started dating, she lied to him about her marital status. He eventually found out but, by that point, had developed strong feelings for her and did not end their relationship. They have remained in constant contact over an 11-year period, with occasional weekends together (she lives in another state). She always stayed with the husband, claiming she was "staying for the children" -- who, by the way, are adults! Since she learned of our engagement and marriage, she is tearfully telling my husband about how she "almost" left her family for him, that she thinks I have him "whipped," and that he "doesn't even sound like himself anymore." I really resent this woman's intrusion into our lives and have clearly communicated this to my husband. He has yet to respond. I believe he is going to say that he wants to remain friends with her. How should I handle this?
Why Do I Feel Like the Bad Guy?
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Stained Glass Crescent: I have a stained glass crescent over the fireplace in my house. The SG is on loan from a former girlfriend, is quite beautiful, and has been there for 3 years. My new girlfriend of a little over a year wants me to replace it with something else because she's bothered that it's from a former girlfriend. I've explained that I don't hold a flame for old GF or think of her when I look at the SG, but just plain like it and want to keep it there. New GF has put her foot down and won't come to my house until I replace it with something else. I think she's being ridiculous but of course don't want to hurt her feelings. If it helps, I'm 37 and she's 25, and she's generally reasonable about most -- other -- things. Any advice?
Carolyn Hax: Sorry, I'm not buying that she's "generally reasonable." This is the work of a seriously immature person, so, however you choose to deal with it, deal with it knowing this is not an aberration. It's foreshadowing. Which of course you already know, because you chose to say she's reasonable about "most" other things--meaning you have noticed other indications of immaturity but you want to believe your 25-year-old isn't too young for you.
Stained Glass again: I hear what you're saying, but given that this is a relationship in which we're both happy and looking toward the future, how would you advise that I speak with her about this and attempt to resolve the situation? Sure, I could take the SG down, but I like it and feel that would be caving to unreasonableness which is always a slippery slope. We've been able to reach a compromise on other things where we've disagreed, but have discussed this one ad nauseam and not been able to resolve. FWIW, part of her digging her heels in seems to be based on her friends having told her that she's right.
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Quick Question: My wife is a very beautiful, very charming, but VERY romantic born-again Christian, I am more mainline WASPy. I only say this because it gives you an idea of where she is coming from. We have been married for 3 years with a daughter, we are 28, both lawyers, the whole professional deal. Anyway, she hasn't spoken to me for 2 days because during a conversation I said that I definitely loved an ex-gf who my wife despises. I said that there should be no problem with that, that all of my past experiences molded me into the man she loves and that she and I are lucky to have a strong and blessed marriage. SHE FLIPPED. In her view, you can only truly love one person, everyone has one soul mate, and that marriage is pre-ordained. She has read into this that we have different values and says it kills her to know I felt such deep emotions and passion for someone else. Any help?
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Help! I Feel Threatened by Our Female Pastor: I married the man of my dreams five years ago this month. We dated for almost three years prior to the wedding. He is wonderful ... a kind, hard–working, and prosperous man. When we met and started dating, I was aware of my husband's commitment as a practicing Christian, which included an active relationship with his church. I am just not really into church life but attend occasionally with him and support his participation, including his desire to tithe our income. No problems; all has worked out well. Until his/our church had a change in pastors. It is common for our denomination to "transfer" pastors from time to time. For years, we had "Rev. Bob." My husband had a good relationship with him and often met with him for lunch, personal spiritual counsel, or just to chat about faith. Now, Rev. Bob has moved on and has been replaced with Rev. Denise. A female pastor! Apparently, my husband has normed in to having a pastoral confidant and has sought such from Rev. Denise, too. I have to admit if Rev. Denise was some old troll of a woman, I'd be fine, but she is a woman of about 35, just out of the seminary. The idea of my dear husband talking and sharing on a special level with her drove me to the edge. One night when we both got home from work, my husband shared how much he enjoyed Rev. Denise's insight about some biblical perspectives and how much he looked forward to their next chat. Prudence, I flew into a rage! I am a very secure woman, but I felt great threat at Rev. Denise. I told my husband he MUST stop attending church and supporting it financially. And he must end contact with Rev. Denise. Backfire! My husband is now furious at me and is now using such phases as "IF this marriage continues." Help!
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Dear Prudence, I have a group of friends I've known since childhood. One in particular ("Sara") was my best friend for almost 20 years. Two years ago she tried to initiate an affair with my husband. I spent the next 18 months wanting to forgive her, in denial about the seriousness of her breach of trust, and trying to make up with her. She has repeatedly lied to me and has zero understanding of the wrong she's done - in fact, she thinks she is the victim here somehow. Although it was hard to accept that Sara is not the person I once thought she was, I've decided to break off the friendship. I still see her in social functions but I deliberately have minimal contact with her. Our mutual friends have no idea what happened, and this isn't something I want to share. They know Sara and I are not friends anymore and have been trying hard to help us be friends again. A couple of them are even angry at me for cold shouldering Sara "for no apparent reason". I know they are well meaning but it is driving me crazy. What can I say to them?
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My mother and I are not now, and never will be, close. She physically abused me until I was 17. I grew up with constant disparaging remarks about my weight, my singing (which I love), my likeness to my father … the list goes on. I decided many years ago that if she were any other person in the world, I would have nothing to do with her. I am now 29 and about to give birth to my first child. Many of my friends and relatives are pressuring me to form a bond with my mother that I have no desire for. The few times I've spoken to her have demonstrated that she has not changed and is unlikely to. I feel that my reasons for shutting her out in the first place are still valid, and she would just add too much strain to my life. How do I explain that I'm content with the decision I've made and feel that it's best for both me and my family?
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DEAR ABBY: I came out of the closet when my son was 4. I thought I had taught him not to judge because of a label. He's now 30, with a wife and two adorable children who own my heart. When my granddaughter was born, my partner and I were at the hospital and have visited with them often and they with us. However, after my grandson was born last year, my son quit speaking to me. I have asked him numerous times what the issue is. His response is: "I have to protect my children from people who are gay. I don't want them to know anyone who is gay." His wife and her family are very religious, and I feel this is the real reason. What can I do?
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Always Take the Wife's Side?: I'm about to get married and am caught in an argument between my fiancée and my parents. This will be the first time in over five years that our whole family will be together. My parents want to take a picture of just them, me, and my siblings, and a family photo obviously means a lot to them. My fiancée heard this and became immediately offended. She says it's rude to exclude her on the day she "joins the family" and any family photo should therefore include her in it. We're not talking about taking an hour for a separate family photo shoot; my parents simply want one photograph of themselves and their children. I don't understand why my fiancée is so annoyed and now she's even more angry because I'm not supporting "her side." Should I back up my fiancée on principle, even if I disagree with her?
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Kingstowne, Va.: My brother got engaged last summer after dating a woman for two months. They planned a summer wedding. Our family had a lot of reservations. She's jealous, demands that he spend money he doesn't have, cuts him off from his family/friends. Her family thinks she has a drug habit. We were concerned and talked to him about it, but he was firm in his love and was standing by her. Last weekend they broke off their engagement. As the big sister, I'm playing the role of confidant. Since it's inappropriate to sing "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead", how do you suggest that I tactfully counsel him through this? I'm listening and saying "umm humm" a lot.
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Daughter Duty...: Hey Carolyn, this isn't a romantic relationship question, but it's still important, so I hope you can squeeze it in. My sister is in the process of planning to take her children and move to another state. She has not told her soon to be ex-husband about it at all. She plans to pack and move next weekend. She didn't tell anyone in the family and my mother only weaslled it out of her last night. I think what she is doing is WRONG and selfish and a large part of me is dying to call her ex-hubby up and tip him off to her plans before she can run. She claims her lawyer will be contacting him, but at this point I think everything she says is a lie. However, my mother begged and pleaded with me not to do anything because she is afraid that if I get involved in the custody dispute I would tell the world the truth about my sister and she would lose her kids and that "would tear this family apart." My position is that my sister has already torn the family apart through her irresponsible actions (no abuse, but she's an alcoholic who drags men in and out of her children's lives and is a pathological liar) and that someone should step in and say enough is enough. Also, I am afraid that if she leaves the state I may never see my godchildren again, and I love them and worry about them constantly. So what say you Carolyn, should I stay out of this custody battle or speak up? I don't think she would ever deliberately hurt her children, but her complete inability to see how her actions affect other causes her to make really bad choices and do things that cause a lot of emotional pain.
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I just got back from a holiday trip to find four messages left over a week's period from a former girlfriend (I'm married now) wishing me merry Christmas, sending love, etc. Just fyi, I've stayed in loose touch with her over the years, she's met my wife, and I thought things were OK. But there was a definite creepy edge to a couple of her calls when she wasn't getting any response ("if you don't want to talk to me, I'd at least appreciate your telling me"). To be honest, I don't even feel like calling her back, but don't want to be a jerk about it. I'd appreciate your thoughts.
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DEAR AMY: I have been divorced for over a year after being married for 26 years. I started dating someone who I really like spending time with. She is divorced and receives child support and alimony for one more year, and only works about 15 hours a week. i have worked two jobs since my divorce so I could keep our old house and still give money to my children, who are in college. I work about 55 hours a week. Since she doesn’t have to go to work most days until 1 p.m. or later, my girlfriend will get up at 11 and averages 10 hours of sleep a night. She expects me to hang out with her until after 10 p.m., when I have to get up at 4:30 a.m. for the first of my two jobs. She rarely pays for our dates, but spends a lot of money on herself. What do you think of this? -- Hard Worker
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DEAR AMY: I’m thinking about asking my girlfriend to marry me, but I’m not sure. We’ve been together for about two years but have known each other much longer. We have heavily overlapping social circles. We get along very well most of the time, but when we do argue it tends to be about politics, about where we should live and other big-picture things. When we argue, she has a tendency to be dismissive and unyielding. I’m worried that what seem like nebulous or abstract differences will eventually become concrete and create problems. Am I making too big a deal of these things? I’m worried about waking up (in 12 years) at 40 and realizing that I’ve compromised on things that were really important to me. Can you help clarify this for me? -
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DEAR AMY: I am in my late 70s, and my past has come back to haunt me. My late husband and I raised lovely children, but I was an abuser. All of our children were victims of my abuse while growing up, but my daughter bore the brunt of it. A few days ago, my daughter and I had what I thought was a mild confrontation, but it became a monster. All she can do is cry, because she says it brought back memories of all of the things I did to her during her growing-up years. I have considered counseling, but I talked with another individual who said the problem of not moving on is her problem, not mine, since I have asked numerous times for her forgiveness and have prayed that God will forgive me. However, I’m not certain that I have forgiven myself. The rest of my children, who know nothing about this issue, say that I was a wonderful mother, and yes, I did do bad things, but they have moved on and are all well-balanced citizens. My daughter is a fantastic person with a fantastic career and on her own has raised well-adjusted and happy children. When I commented to her that good kids can come from bad parents, she immediately responded, “Yeah, I think I am the one who said that to you.” I do not know what to do because it is now affecting me. Before, I had a wonderful life, full of family, my own home and a part-time job, but now my past keeps creeping into my daily thoughts, and I am miserable and don’t want to see anyone. My daughter wants to keep her distance until she is “ready” to see me. We used to be very close, despite everything. I cannot change what was, but I do not want to spend the rest of my years feeling as I do now. -- Very Sad
Jeeze, I think my mother could be LW1. :-\ 72 yrs. old, nothing was ever her fault, she did the best she knew how, counseling encourages false memories, she's praying for us, and we all need to just get over it. The LW is a narcissist and it's still all about her and somehow she has become the offended party. Professional help is not likely to change her point of view.
It seems like the daughter was willing to forgive the abuse and let her into her life. But the LW wasn't satisfied with that. She continued to behave badly in a way which triggered her daughter's memories of the abuse. My mother is emotionally unstable, she can go from happy to raging to crying and pounding her hands and feet on the floor in the space of 5-10 minutes. The rage was sometimes followed by shoving, slapping, hair pulling, kicking and punching. The physical stuff stopped when I got old enough to fight back (never did) and move out (did so as soon as I could). But the rages continued until she stopped speaking to me 4 years ago. I don't want to live/dwell in the past, I'd rather have a happy present and future, but when you have an abuser who used to get violent with you screaming at you, it triggers the old fears, the old memories, etc. She tried to get back into my life 2x since she last cut me off 4 year ago. Nope, not going to happen, I learned my lesson. I let her back into my life in my 20s after she'd cut me off because I wanted to support her sobriety when she joined AA. I exposed myself to 2 more decades of her rages. Some people really don't want forgiveness, they just want permission to treat people badly without consequence. They will try to draw you into their drama, chaos and conflict every chance they get. Such people are best avoided, even if they are family.
So many people are making huge assumptions about the first LW, and re-interpreting her letter though their own dirty lenses. Let's see, we do not know what the "abuse" consisted of (why assume it was beatings? Why assume it was anything, when you know no details?), only that the mother fully admits to it and feels terrible remorse. There is not a note of self-pity here. She says she isn't sure she has forgiven herself. She is not saying that she should not seek therapy, nor that the problem is all her daughter's to deal with --she is reporting that someone else advised her as much, and she is not sure what to think or do. The only thing that comes through clearly (to me) is that she is owning up 100% to whatever it was she did, acknowledging it was abuse, thinks highly of her daughter and other children, loves them, and wants to do the right thing in the present time--which is the only time any of us have any control over. So, all you judgmental critics out there mocking her and putting words in her mouth that she never said, be ashamed of yourselves. We all make mistakes, and the most we can ever do is to catch ourselves as soon as we can and own up to our misguided actions, and try to do better, and make amends if possible. You might start by catching yourselves in your mind-boggling assumptions and projections, own up to your cruelty and vicious remarks (courageously offered from the anonymity of the internet), and try to think harder and be more humble the next time you decide to tear someone down.
Were you abused, jen? Many of us posting were abused, and we are very familiar with the many faces of denial that our abusers present. LW's pose was, yup, familiar.
Nowhere did the LW express any concern for her daughter's well-being. Look again. Here, I'll quote some of it:
I do not know what to do because it is now affecting me. Before, I had a wonderful life, full of family, my own home and a part-time job, but now my past keeps creeping into my daily thoughts, and I am miserable and don’t want to see anyone. My daughter wants to keep her distance until she is “ready” to see me. We used to be very close, despite everything. I cannot change what was, but I do not want to spend the rest of my years feeling as I do now. She's not worried about her daughter, with whom she recently had a confrontation that led to her daughter breaking down; she's worried about how she can make herself feel better.
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Bridezilla Buddy: My best friend from childhood is getting married in six months, and I am the matron of honor. I have been struggling with infertility, and was planning on trying in vitro in the spring. Well, to my surprise, I am unexpectedly pregnant. Obviously, my husband and I are thrilled. My family is thrilled. My friend is absolutely furious. She is angry that I will “spoil” her wedding pictures by being about eight months pregnant, and she is worried that I won't fit into any dress that matches her plan. She is accusing me of intentionally ruining her big day. I want to simply tell her to get lost, but her family is close to mine, there is a lot of history there, and I worry about the repercussions between our families if I was to cut her out of my life. Frankly, I wish she would just “fire” me as MoH, and make things easier. I have tried to explain to her, I didn't plan on this pregnancy, as I really thought I would never get pregnant on my own, and I had hoped she would be happy for me, as she knew everything we were going through. She just doesn't get it though, and continues to play the victim here. I could *almost* ignore her selfishness here, except she has started making comments along the lines of, “Well, you may not even be pregnant when the wedding comes. With all your fertility issues, you may just miscarry, so no big deal.” I almost lost my mind at that point. I am beyond stressed about her and this wedding after all of this. Is it too late for me to just say no?
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My deceased father-in-law, "Joe," was almost 20 years older than my mother-in-law, "Milly." It came to light a couple of years ago that Joe had been previously married—it wasn't discussed openly, but it wasn't a big deal. However, in looking through a genealogy Web site recently, I came across something startling. In the record is Joe's divorce from his first wife, "April." Records from April's subsequent marriage confirm that April was Milly's mother! In other words, before Milly married Joe, he was her stepfather—Milly was about 5 years old when he married her mother. Furthermore, Joe's divorce from April came after he got Milly pregnant with my wife's oldest sister. Now that I have this information, I don't know what to do with it. Do I talk to my mother-in-law and not let anyone else in on the secret? Do I show my wife what I found and let her ask the questions if she wants to? Both Joe and April died a few years ago. Milly lives nearby—we have a very good relationship with her, and our kids love their grandma, so I don't want to spoil things.
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I am a happily married man in my early 30s with a beautiful baby. My wife is a few years younger than I am and very strong and independent—on the surface. She has some self-esteem issues, and I tend to be stubborn. We have been arguing more lately, and the fights have gotten worse. They tend to revolve around her saying that I am cold and distant. I don't think I am, and I frequently list the ways I show my warmth. I am in agony over what happened recently during a heated argument in which she kept egging me on and pushing me—literally—then struck me several times. At first I didn't respond, but the last time she did it, I struck her back. Never in my life had I hit a woman, and I had planned to die with that record intact. I thought to myself, "That's it; there is no going back. I am one of 'those guys' now." My wife has told me that she understands what I did and does not blame me. This did not make me feel any better. I love my wife and child more than anything in the world. I don't know what to do, and even worse, I think she may try to provoke the same reaction again.
For the man who hit his wife,
My husband was in a abusive relationship as well, She hit him all the time, He never hit her back, but to prove how crazy this woman actually was, she tried to brain him with a giant vase once, someone managed to grab it from her, my husband had turned to walk away from a fight and she grabbed the vase and was swinging it at his head when his friend grabbed it and yelled for him to duck. He still has a scar on his back where she viciously clawed him when he left a fight, it pisses me off to no extent to see that scar, and I told him once, if I ever see her it's on, I'm gonna kick her butt, his response..."She is in prison for the rest of her life, she killed her next boyfriend." If she hits you again, call the police report it and take your daughter out of that horrible relationship, fathers can get their kids when there is domestic abuse involved. You don't want it to get to the point where something neither of you can ever take back happens. like death...and children who grow up in violent homes, get involved with violent people, if you don't want your daughter to end up in a domestic abuse relationship, then either make your wife get counseling with you, or leave and try to get custody of your baby. Good Luck!
*NOTE*
This comment was unusual on that column. Most people attacked the husband while glossing over what the wife had done. *END NOTE*
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Husband Not on My Side: I’ve been married to a wonderful man for almost a year now. He’s great with the kids. Not only does our 10-month-old love him, so does my 10-year-old and 6-year-old from my previous relationships. The problem is I have to threaten to leave him in order for him to take my side on issues with others. When we got engaged, a few friends of his started sending me insulting Facebook messages about our relationship. When I mentioned this to him, instead of doing something about it, he just told me to ignore them. When I told him that I wanted him to remove them from his life, instead of doing so, he wanted to talk to them. It wasn’t until I threatened to leave him that he begrudgingly removed them from his Facebook and phone. It then happened again after we got married. His dad and brother started pestering me through Facebook with snide remarks and other insulting posts. Like last time, when I told my husband, he first told me to ignore them. Then when I asked him to choose between them or me, he said that he wanted counseling for us. I shouldn’t have to threaten him for him to give me my place. How can I make him see that when someone insults me he should take my side and leave them behind?
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Sister-in-Law Furious About When I Revealed My Pregnancy: My husband's sister thrives on being a passive-aggressive, attention-hogging know-it-all. I've always managed to be civil to her and praise her ideas to get her to shut up about lecturing me on what foods I should buy, etc. I announced my pregnancy to both families at 20 weeks. I received a scathing email from my sister-in-law recently demanding to know why I wouldn't tell "her family" for 20 weeks. My exact response was, "Don't I have the right to choose when to announce my pregnancy? Both families were told at the same time." She answered back, "Well, whatever." Since then, my husband's family has been distancing themselves from me. My husband says I should apologize and just let his sister's comment go. But I'm tired of being grilled about all of our life choices and the timing of revealing them. Do I actually owe this brat an apology?
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Facebook Is Awful: My son, a toddler, passed away after a long battle with cancer this past July. My husband and I did not announce his death on Facebook; that felt weird and gross. We don't discuss his death on Facebook either because we are friends with a lot of people, a good number of them casual friends. Our grief is too personal for that. But a good friend keeps posting memorial photo albums and discussing our son's passing on her Facebook. She loved our son, so I know she's legitimately heartbroken over losing him, but my husband and I are disgusted by her lack of discretion. It feels like she's using Facebook to garner sympathy over our son's death. Or at the very least she's overstepping an important boundary to my husband and I and using pictures of our son in a way that only we have a right to use them. We have asked her as kindly as possible to stop and she hasn't. What should our next step be?
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Sister's Marital Woes: My kid sister has always been into fairy tale love: Disney movies, then Jane Eyre, and lately the Twilight novels. Three years ago she married her boyfriend of nine months after a whirlwind romance. They had their first child a year later, their second a few months ago. Her husband, though attentive, is very busy supporting their family. Their marriage is no longer in the honeymoon phase, and now my sister wants a divorce because her marriage isn't "Edward and Bella" perfect. She's disappointed because she doesn't believe she and her husband are soul mates. I want to support her, but I don't believe in soul mates or everlasting fairy tale love. I think she needs to grow up and recognize that she'll likely never find a "soul mate." How can I support her while making her aware of reality?
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Affair, Marriage, Divorce?: Sporadically for the past month, someone has been emailing me information about having an affair with my husband. The specificity of the dates they were together and their knowledge of his naked body lead me to believe that he is having an affair. My husband and I are in our 60s, and we've been married for ten years, and a part of me just wants me to bury my head and forget about all of this. I can't imagine divorcing again in my 60s. I don't know what to say to my husband and just want to avoid this all. Would that be terribly unhealthy?
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Stepmother: How would you behave toward your stepmother, who is suppose to be the grandmother of your children, if she cut you out of your father's will? I find, now that my father has died, that my stepmother has retained all of my father’s estate for her and her son, yet my father's intentions were for that not to happen.
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Step Kids: I have recently remarried and love my wife with all my heart. She is an incredible woman! I came to the marriage with two small children whom she loves and cares for willingly. She is, however, often short with them. She realizes that she gets impatient and needs to work on this, but I am worried that this is something that needs to happen NOW for the sake of my children, who have already been through quite a bit. How do I help her to understand that this is a serious "just do it" kind of a topic?
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Annoying Ex: My husband's job involves going to the company's New Year party every year. His old college ex is in the same industry and attends the event as well. Every time I see her, she makes a point to tell me about how well my husband treated her and their past love life. Sometimes she belittles him, because he wasn't manly enough for her. I may be biased, but my husband is the kindest, most romantic, and strongest person I have ever known. The party is a good way for my husband to talk to people to advance in his career, so I have to see her. Instead of punching her, is there something witty I might say next year?
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Recently, I was in a group job interview for a new position, along with an old colleague of mine. We worked at a bank together when she was still in college. About a year after she started, she was fired and arrested for stealing cash. Because she had no criminal history and cooperated with the police, she was given a deferred prosecution, which meant no plea was entered and at the end of her probation, if all terms were met, the charges would be dropped and her record expunged. She met the terms and now has a clean criminal background. At the time of the theft she was a struggling college student with personal problems, and I’m glad that she was able to move forward. In the job interview she was brilliant and became one of three candidates, myself included, who got invited to a second interview. I feel she could shine even more one-on-one and potentially take this job away from me. Opportunities like this do not come along often. If I share what I know with the company, how do I convey that I am telling them not only because she is major competition but also because I am looking out for the company's best interest? Is it within my rights to warn them about this girl's past?
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DEAR AMY: A couple of years ago I was supposed to be one of my best friend’s maid of honor at her wedding in the Midwest. I live on the East Coast and could not attend many of the pre-wedding events. This led to a little bit of tension; I even kindly suggested she make someone else her maid of honor and make me a bridesmaid, but she declined. The weekend of the wedding happened to be the same weekend that Hurricane Irene hit, and my flight (along with thousands of others) was canceled. I was not able to get to the wedding. My friend was furious and said I had been planning not to attend all along. She promptly cut me out of her life. I understand her anger about this, but I have been hurt that she showed so little concern for the safety of me, my family or my property, and I’m not sure how I would have planned a hurricane hitting the same weekend of her nuptials. Recently, I have wanted to reach out to her but am unsure what to say or do. Any advice?
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LETTER NOT RELEVENT, FROM THE COMMENTS SECTION;
I am going through a very similar situation except that my boyfriend left me for my sister and we have a child together. I think, but don't know for sure, that they started something while I was still pregnant and I moved out when my daughter was 5 weeks old and my sister moved in about 6 weeks after that. It was and still is hard to deal with. My mom, who has be the best support possible, knows that our family will never be the same. My daughter is now 7 months old, her father has seen her a total of 4 times since we moved out (he/they live 2 minutes away too). I feel the worst for my daughter. I also feel bad for my sister because I know she is stuck but at the same time I think she is getting what she deserves. My sister and I were best friends so it was extremely painful but thankfully I have a sound mental state and good brothers and the BEST mother in the world. I feel bad for my mom too because no matter what my sister is her daughter and it has to be hard dealing with mixed feelings for someone that you brought into this world. I dont want nor do I think I will EVER be in the same room as the 2 of them. My biggest fear is that my sister will get pregnant by him too...how would I explain that one to my daughter? "by the way honey, your half-sibling is also your cousin!" Lord it is just too sick. I am going to get counseling at some point but right now I am just putting it behind me as best I can because my daughter deserves a happy mother and dwelling on a situation that is beyond my control wont help facilitate that. I think I dodged a missile (way bigger than a bullet) with that loser and feel bad that he is the father of my child but I love my baby dearly and she is the best thing that ever happened to me. Obviously there is a lot more to my story but I just want LW to know that she is not alone in this type of situation....in fact my attorney told me that I am the 3rd person this year that this happened to in his practice. As sad as that it is it made me feel a lot better. My mom even joked that I should start a "meet-up" group - I just don't know what to call it "sisters of b*!#$@es unite" kind of has a catchy ring to it!
I'm truly, truly sorry about your being betrayed by your sister (I gather she's your only sister, the other siblings you have are the brothers, right?). I'm glad you have a strong support system, and you seem to be in the right path of your life. All the best to you. On the other hand, my God, what's wrong with these sisters? How can you even THINK of sleeping with your sister's husband? Icccckkkkk!
Yes, she is my only sister....and when her ex husband hit on me AFTER they were divorced I stopped speaking to him (we had remained friends after the divorce which was fine with my sister - of course she slept with his best friend before the divorce was finalized and got pregnant by him. Wow, the more I say about her the more disfunctional I realize she is. And now I wonder why I am surprised at what she did. This is a revelation I must look into further. She was also diagnosed with borderline personality disorder with schizophrentic tendancies but I don't think that excuses her behavior.
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DEAR ABBY: I haven't spoken to my middle sister, "Julia," since Christmas because we had a disagreement and she physically assaulted me. She tried to put my eye out with her fingers and push me down some stairs. She did it in front of my children as well as my niece. I know my sister needs help for her anger issues. How can I make Julia recognize that at 42 years of age, physically assaulting those who do not agree with her is not an option? My siblings and I have endured years of abuse because if someone doesn't agree with her, Julia feels she has the right to strike out. She's abusive to everyone. She has even had physical altercations with my parents. My children are afraid of her because of what she did to me. How can I get her to realize she's in desperate need of counseling? In her book, she is never wrong and everyone is against her.
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DEAR ABBY: My best friend "Jenny's" husband died four years ago. They had been married 28 years, and she has grieved hard for him. She has been looking for a relationship because she wants a man in her life. Three months ago, she ran into a married man she knew through her former job. (I'll call him "George.") They were casual acquaintances, but when George learned she was a widow he immediately asked for her phone number. He called the next day, they talked, he visited her at her home, and they had unprotected sex. They now see each other once or twice a week and have sex. That's all they do. Jenny says she's in love with him. She talks about him constantly and says she's very happy. My husband and I were at a club the other night and saw George in the company of another woman. I haven't told Jenny because she doesn't want to be told if her man is cheating on her. She says that what she doesn't know won't hurt her. I disagree. If he's having unprotected sex with her, it's probably the same with the other woman. George appears to be a player and Jenny has blinders on. I'm worried about her. I don't want to ruin our friendship. We love each other like sisters. But I hate seeing her used like this. What should I do? My husband says leave it alone -- she'll find out anyway. --
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Nightmare Boss: I work at a small insurance company where there are only eight or nine of us. Because of the small size, we typically all get along pretty well with the exception of a few minor spats every now and then. My issue is with my supervisor—she's notorious for being unfriendly (to put it very mildly) to both staff that she considers her "underlings" as well as to our clients. So unfriendly that past employees have quit their jobs because of the way she treated them and our clients refuse to call her when they have issues or questions. This is not new news and apparently has been tolerated in spite of the employee turnaround caused by her actions. She's also at least an hour late everyday but lives mere minutes away. I've approached her supervisor, and we've had several discussions (some of the meetings have included my supervisor) over her (mis)treatment, and every time I'm reassured that "something" will be done. My supervisor will then behave herself for a few days or even a week or two, but then she slowly reverts back to her demonic ways. I've threatened to quit and was reassured (again) that things will change, so I've stayed. It's gotten to the point where her supervisor doesn't even like her anymore (which I heard from the horse's mouth), but for some reason my supervisor remains. I want to leave because she makes me feel so oppressed when she's there, but I won't be able to make the same kind of money elsewhere. Help!
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My mother-in-law likes to pick up my 2-year-old daughter on the weekends and drive her around to attend the sporting events of her other grandchildren or just to run errands. It sounds like a dream to have an afternoon free while my child spends quality time with her grandmother, but in my case it's a nightmare. My mother-in-law has been in more than 20 automobile accidents. The vast majority were her fault, and many have been single-car accidents. Her two daughters won't let her drive their children anymore, after she drove into a cement wall on the side of the highway with a grandchild in the backseat—luckily, no one was hurt. I'm a nonconfrontational person, and she can easily become belligerent and unreasonable. I hinted to her that I'm not comfortable with her driving my daughter long distances, and she got extremely upset and accused me of thinking she's not trustworthy. Since this exchange, she regularly calls and asks to pick up my daughter. I find myself having to come up with lies until they run dry, and then I give in and let her take my daughter. I'm on pins and needles all day until they return. How do I deal with this without starting a feud?
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Dear Ann Landers: What is the proper place for a stepmother at a wedding? My parents divorced several years ago, and my father, age 60, married a 27-year-old woman in 1998. That means she is younger than I am. My stepmother has made no effort to be part of our family. She is immature, insecure and, sometimes, downright cruel. I have stopped trying to get to know her better, but my sister hates confrontations and wants peace at any price, so she has remained friendly. Sis is planning her wedding, and it is going to be a small, intimate affair. She will only have a best man and matron of honor (me). I do not believe my stepmother should be part of the wedding. I say she should wear a corsage signifying she is a member of the family, but that she should not be in the processional, or anything else. My stepmother is offended by this, and my father says his wife should be treated the same as our mother. Well, I disagree. She is not our mother. She had nothing to do with our upbringing, nor has she developed a warm relationship with either my sister or me. I would like to know what you have to say about this.
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Dear Abby: A married woman, signed Made a Mistake, wasn`t sure whether her third child was fathered by her husband or another man with whom she had an affair following a very brief separation from her husband. You advised her that since the child could be her husband`s and they were back together again, for the sake of family harmony she should assume the child was her husband`s. Abby, please reconsider your advice. There`s more at stake than family harmony in situations such as this. Here`s my story: I am terminally ill with a hereditary disease; so it`s very important to know who my biological father is. My mother believed it was nobody`s business that I was conceived as a result of an affair she had with her uncle. (She was married at the time.) Mother told no one, not her doctor or me. When I became ill, even though Mother was well aware of the genetic significance of my disease, she went with me to the Johns Hopkins Research Hospital and gave her husband`s medical history as that of my father. Only last year, through a third party, I learned that my biological father was her uncle. When confronted, Mother and her uncle both verified this. There are blood tests available that can positively determine paternity. Please advise your readers that for medical reasons it is important for everyone to know who his biological father is.
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Dear Abby: My husband and I have two married sons who move frequently in their work. Recently they both moved to the same city about 2,000 miles from us. As both sons had been asking us to visit them, we thought this would be a good time. We called our sons before getting our tickets and were told they`d be waiting. Five minutes after I called the younger son, he called back to say his wife had told him that I wasn`t welcome in their home! I was shocked. They`ve been married for 15 years and I had been in their home many times. (Once she had insisted that we stay two weeks when we`d planned to stay only one.) I called and asked her what I had done to her. She said that 12 years ago, when they were visiting us, we had a family picture taken and she hadn`t been asked to be in it. Abby, I always thought a family picture included the mother, father and the children they had raised. At first we decided not to go because we didn`t want to cause any trouble between our son and his wife, but the older son insisted we come anyway, so we went. He and his wife were wonderful, showing us the sights, taking us out for great meals, etc. Our younger son took two days off work to be with us, brought the grandchildren out, and even took us to see his lovely new home one day when his wife was gone. (She`s intelligent, college-educated and has good manners.) When we got home, I wrote her a letter, apologizing for excluding her from the family pictures and telling her how proud I had always been of her, and hoped we could put this misunderstanding behind us. Well, my letter was returned marked ``Refused.`` Abby, what could I have done that I didn`t do? I feel terrible and don`t know what to do.
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Dear Abby: I read the "Ten Commandments for Mothers-in-Law" in your column. It implies that if the relationship is troubled, the fault is hers. However, relationships are a two-way street. My son -- a "rescuer" -- married an insecure, controlling young woman. She is threatened by any participation on our part in their lives. Our son seems happy in his marriage, so we are getting on with our own lives without involvement with them or our grandchildren. A tragedy? Yes. One we can fix from our end? No. (Ironically, I scored high on your "Commandments for Mothers-in-Law.") Adult children also bear a responsibility for making the relationship a success.
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Dear Abby: My mother, "Belle," had me when she was 16. All my life I have been her best friend. I think she made it that way so she wouldn't have to deal with having a child. Belle has always abused alcohol and drugs. She was also married several times over the years. I don't think she ever really grew up. My childhood was spent being shuffled from one family to the next. About a year ago, Belle got into trouble (again) and had nowhere to live. I am married with two young children. We live about three hours away from her "trouble." I invited her to come and stay with me so that she could have a fresh start. Well, Belle's driver's license was suspended because of past trouble, so I cart her around everywhere. She's still up to her same old tricks, parading men in and out, drinking, drugs, etc. This has caused many fights between me and my husband. I have reached the end of my rope. I don't want to just write Belle off because she's my mother. But I really don't want anything more to do with her. What do I do?
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Dear Ann Landers: I am a divorced father of a 9-year-old girl. My ex-wife and I have a cordial relationship, which we try to maintain for our daughter's sake. I recently married a woman who is terribly insecure. She thinks I should have no contact whatsoever with my ex-wife unless it directly affects my daughter's health. I find this extremely restrictive, since there are many school functions and athletic activities that both my ex-wife and I would like to attend. Here's the current dilemma. Every year, my ex-wife and I spend a weekend at a summer resort to celebrate our daughter's birthday. This year, because I have remarried, my daughter has invited my new wife to come along. My wife is becoming physically ill over the prospect of being there, and insists I have no business going, either. She says my presence would encourage my daughter to think her parents will get back together. I have spoken to my daughter about this, as has my ex, and believe me, the child has no illusions about this vacation. Also, I have no intention of returning to my ex-wife, regardless of my daughter's wishes. How can I reassure my wife that there is nothing to worry about? I don't want her to be upset anymore.
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Dear Ann Landers: ``Linda`` was my best friend and confidant. We went all through high school and college together. She was my bridesmaid and I was hers. Every Saturday night, Linda and I and our husbands have played bridge together, alternating houses. Last week it was our turn. I was dealing and accidentally dropped a card. I stooped over quickly to pick it up and what I saw under the table shocked me. My husband had his right shoe off, Linda had her left shoe off, and she was massaging his foot with hers. I straightened up, threw my cards on the table and said, ``I don`t feel like playing anymore.`` As they were leaving, Linda tried to kiss my cheek as always, but I turned my face away. She said, ``Next Saturday at our house, right?`` I said, ``Sorry, we have other plans for next Saturday.`` After they left, I turned to my husband and asked, ``How long has your affair with Linda been going on?`` His face got red, then he turned white as a sheet. Finally he mumbled, ``About a year.`` I almost fainted. That night I told him to sleep in the guest room. The following Monday, Linda`s husband called and told me that he had suspected for quite a while that something funny was going on between those two. When I asked him why he didn`t tell me, he said, ``Because I was hurt and I didn`t want you to be hurt too. I thought it would burn itself out.`` My husband has been begging me to forgive him. I want to, but will I ever be able to trust him again? A divorce would be painful, expensive and hard on the kids. They really love their daddy. What should I do?
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Dear Ann Landers: My husband and I have four children, three boys and a girl. Through the years, we foolishly gave them everything they wanted. We took out loans and had charge accounts all over town. Our daughter, who is 23, is engaged to be married in two years. We can`t afford the kind of wedding she wants, but I have agreed to give her $2,000 towards it. She says that`s not enough. I`ve needed so many things over the years and never bought them. Now we must make some repairs on our house or it will fall down. My mother is lending us the money interest-free, and I`ve budgeted to make small monthly payments. My daughter resents the fact that I would borrow for repairs and not for a fancier wedding. She gives me $15 a week for room and board. I said this was OK so she could save more money for her wedding. She has a good job and makes more than $300 a week. Her three brothers didn`t turn out like this. I can`t believe her attitude. She does absolutely nothing around the house and tells me, ``You`re home all day, that`s your job.`` We fight all the time. I am on stomach medication because of ``nerves`` and am heading for God knows what. I`ve asked her to move out, and she says if I force her to move we will never see her again. I simply can`t wait two years for this girl to get married. I`ll never make it. Should I take out a loan so I can live in peace? Has anyone else ever gone through this? I realize now I should have brought her up differently, but I can`t turn back the clock. Please advise me, Ann.
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-Dear Abby: Our 24-year-old son is engaged to a beautiful but spoiled 21-year-old girl. She has broken two engagements (one after the wedding invitations were mailed), and now she has asked our son for more time to
``think things over.`` Meanwhile, the invitations are supposed to go out next Monday. We have counseled with our minister, and he is all for letting her ``think it over,`` but our son is trying to talk her into going through with the wedding on the scheduled date. Her parents are no help at all and are pushing for the wedding as planned because they would like to get this spoiled, flighty girl married and out of the house. Also, they are very fond of our son.
What should we do?
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Dear Abby: I am in my early 30s, and this summer I'm to be married for the first time. My parents have been divorced for many years and are splitting the cost of the wedding. My father has contributed $10,000. The cost is expected to be higher. My mother remarried 15 years ago, and she and my stepfather can afford to pay the balance.
The problem is I intensely dislike my father's girlfriend, "Tess." They have been together 10 years. I have done everything I can think of to get him to leave her. Tess attends all the family holiday parties. I won't go if I know she will be there -- therefore, my holidays are ruined! I did succeed once in getting her "uninvited," but since then nobody will listen to me. Abby, I do not want Tess to attend my wedding and ruin my big day. I have demanded that my father not bring her, but he will not hear of it. He says since he is paying $10,000, he will invite whomever he wants. What can I do? How can I make this woman stay away?
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DEAR ABBY: Eight years ago, the most beautiful woman in the world came into my life. I'll call her "Mary." We dated for seven months before she started asking for a proposal. I happily agreed, and in 1993 we were married. Two years later, she convinced me that we should buy a house. A year after that, she said she wanted to have cats in our home. I don't care too much for cats, but I gave in to two cats. Then she started yearning for children. When we married, we both realized that she could not get pregnant. So she began inquiring into adoption. I wasn't too fond of the idea of bringing a child into our home when we knew little about its medical or psychiatric history. Again, to make her happy, I agreed. Now don't get me wrong -- not a day goes by that I don't look at my son and thank God for him. Then Mary wanted to help us get ahead financially. We both agreed that she would be the one to return to college, since we could not afford to lose my income and my study habits are not great. So we struggled for two years to put her through school. After a while, Mary started going out with her friends from school for a few hours. Then the outings turned into all-nighters. Keep in mind, my son and I were at home while she was out partying with money we couldn't afford. Eventually she confessed to me that she'd had a fling with a guy she met. I forgave her by telling her that six years was too much time to throw away over one mistake. Two months ago, she told me she doesn't want to be married anymore. She moved in with her mother. We alternate weeks with our son, but he has trouble staying with her. Part of the reason may be that she yells at him for every little thing he does wrong. He's only 5 years old. Two days ago, she informed me that she's moving to Florida for an opportunity to attend school and have a good job. Mary does not want our son to come with her. In fact, she says she doesn't want him at all. Sometimes she says she wishes she could take him back to the agency.Abby, I gave my wife everything she wanted -- a house, an education, a son and plenty more. Now she's leaving me high and dry to cope with the responsibilities of paying the bills and being a parent
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DEAR ABBY: My cousin "Opal" and I grew up together. We were always close. She has gone through some rough times, and I have been trying to help her out. She has five children (ages 10 to 2) and I have one child who is 13. The fathers of her children are not helpful. I recently completed my education and am looking for work, so money is tight. Opal doesn't feed her kids before bringing them over or provide diapers for the little one. She promises to reimburse me, but rarely does. Most of the time I keep my mouth shut because I know she doesn't make much as a server. How can I make her understand that even though I have only one child that doesn't mean I have the money to help her out with her five? Also, when I baby-sit her children, they are rowdy and destructive. But if I try to raise the subject, it creates tension between us. I love Opal. I want to help her. But when is it enough? I don't want to withdraw my help completely, but it has become more than my household can bear
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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m afraid I have handled something badly. My circle of friends throws a lot of celebrations. This year a friend invited me to her engagement party, bridal shower, kitchen tea, a “Yes to the Dress” shopping trip and luncheon, her housewarming, a bachelorette party and her wedding. I am thrilled for her and happy to celebrate — just not quite so often. The cost of these events and for the expected gifts is extravagant, and frankly I’ve been yearning to have more of my limited free time to myself. I sent RSVPs saying I was unable to attend the kitchen tea and housewarming, but I attended all the other events and will attend the wedding. Unfortunately, on the day of the kitchen tea, my boyfriend “tagged” me on Facebook as being at the movies with him. My friend is now furious with me for missing her party in favor of a movie. Is there any way I can explain myself without sounding like a selfish cheapskate? What should I have done?
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Dear Harlan: I recently moved into a new house. I was outside chasing my cat when I came across my neighbor. We had an instant connection, and we started talking. Turns out he lives with his girlfriend of two years, and he's nine years older than I am. I'm 20; he's 29. At first we would just hang out during the day while his girlfriend was at work, and we left it at that. Then we both broke down and kissed. It's been going on for about two months now. We have this unbelievable connection. We hate being away from each other, but he is financially attached to his girlfriend. I know he'd rather be with me than her, and if the situation was different he'd leave her for me.
I'm not naive or ignorant to what this must sound like. I'm in love and can honestly say I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and won't be happy unless I do. But every day, I have to see him come home and be with her. I can't talk to him unless she isn't around. I'm at the point where I get bitter and angry every time she comes home, and living so close doesn't help the situation either. What is one to do?
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His Ex-Wife Lied About Paternity! My husband and I got married recently. When we first started dating, I was introduced to his 4-year-old son, who is autistic. I accepted that we would have him every other weekend and got along extremely well with him. But there was always something that bothered me. I'm not a geneticist, but I could tell that certain features the son has were highly improbable from what his parents look like. This thought was magnified by the fact that his ex-wife had coerced him into having sex, and they'd only had sex once for her to get pregnant. I know it's possible, but the way he told the story made me think she was trying to trick him into knocking her up. (I later found a huge box of ovulation trackers in her old bathroom.) He confided in me that he was not sure the son was his. He was 99 percent sure but had that little bit of a doubt. Well ... I suggested he take a paternity test so that he could put the worry out of his mind. He put it off and off until about a month before we got married and only did it cause I brought it up again. Turns out, he is not the father. He was devastated, of course, but took it a lot better than I thought he would. I feel tremendously guilty because I am relieved. Not because he is going to de-establish paternity (he is not; he plans to continue being a father to the child), but because it lowers the risk of our future children being autistic. (From what I have read, having one child with autism means having another is five times more likely than normal.) I feel horrible for having suggested the test in the first place, because my now husband is sad about it, and I also feel guilty for being secretly happy about it. I did not tell him how I feel because I don't want to hurt him further ... but I also hate keeping this from him. Should I be honest or just try to deal with my own feelings alone?
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My wife and I are divorcing after many years of marriage, and I am having a difficult time understanding her desire to remain friends. The reason for the divorce is her cheating on me multiple times, and I finally realized our marriage died many years ago. All of her affairs were with married men so her actions destroyed multiple families, and I do not want to associate with a person who has so little respect for the feelings of others. I realize we will have to interact at upcoming family events, but I would like to keep our communication to a minimum, which is causing resentment on her part and a great deal of confusion for our families. How do I stay true to my convictions without coming off as the bad guy?
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My daughter is approaching the age of big life events, though these events most likely are a way off for her, personally. Seeing her friends' lives changing has made her think about her dreams for the future a lot more. Most of it is pretty much what you would expect: a great job, a nice home, a husband, maybe kids, a chance to make a difference in the world, good stuff, and well within her reach if she chooses to stay on her current path. The problem that keeps interfering with her happy little fantasies is her grandmother. My daughter despises Granny. She has good reason not to feel close to Granny, who is the most narcissistic person I have ever met, is brutally outspoken, and has an awful, hair-trigger temper. We have always walked a tightrope, trying to protect our daughter from Granny's problem personality without completely abandoning a handicapped, needy old woman. As a result, there was not a lot of contact between Daughter and Granny, but she did witness some crazy in action. Though the parties will not happen anytime soon, I am already hearing regular pleas that Granny not be included in anything. My daughter's fears are more than justified. Granny will embarrass Daughter in front of her friends, dress like a prostitute from the '70s, find some way to take credit for any and all of Daughter's accomplishments, mock every mistake Daughter has made since birth, hit on her (potential) future husband, demand group acknowledgement that Granny is more intelligent than the graduate, more beautiful than the bride, and have a temper tantrum if people do not agree enthusiastically enough, give sex advice publicly, plus any number of surprises. It is what she does, and she will never change. The results of not inviting Granny would be just as bad and of longer duration. A destination celebration would not help -- Granny loves to travel. We have tried to either instill a sense of pity or a sense of humor in our daughter where these antics are concerned, to no avail. We have also tried unsuccessfully to explain to Granny that she might have to be nice to the kid if she wants to be loved by her. At this point, I feel like my daughter either needs to suck it up or put off her parties until after Granny dies. Do you see any hope of forging some kind of peaceful solution in the next few years?
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Hi, Carolyn: I’m 28 and mom won’t let me move out. I just finished up a master’s degree, I have a job, good friends and outside of work I have an online business that is starting to take off. Despite all of this, I don’t feel like an adult at all because my mom has guilted me into continuing to live at home with her and my younger sister, with whom I don’t get along. Because of this I’m not as happy, social or independent as I’d like to be. a few years ago, I found a great apartment, but decided to ask my mom’s opinion before signing the lease, even though I suspected she’d freak out. Lo and behold, she began crying, yelling and arguing that I was abandoning her, leaving her in a financial tough spot (I pay her $600 a month in rent and buy most of the groceries) and that the apartment I selected was overpriced, too small, etc. The fight was so bad that I had to stay home from work that day and didn’t bring up moving out again for a long time. Now anytime I gently bring up possibly moving out this year she coldly responds with, “Do whatever you want to do, I don’t care anymore,” or, “I don’t want to get into it now,” and gives me the silent treatment for the rest of the day. how can I gain the confidence to really move out this time without hurting my mom too much or damaging our relationship?
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DEAR ABBY: My daughter was married for eight years before divorcing her cheating husband. They have two children. When my daughter found out about the affair, she was inconsolable. The girlfriend actually phoned her and said, "Why are you so upset? Everyone cheats!" Now, two years later, the girlfriend is pregnant. My daughter would like a paternity test done before the kids are introduced to this new child. She thinks it would be harmful if they are introduced to a new half-sibling who may later prove to belong to another man. ("Everyone cheats"?) What do you think about this? Is it wrong for my daughter to want proof that this is her ex's baby? He feels certain he's the father, but he also knows the other woman has kept in touch with her ex-boyfriend.
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I'm in my mid-20s and in a wonderful relationship of two years with a man I love more than I thought possible. Before him, I was in a terrible relationship with an older man for almost four years. That relationship was primarily sexual. It was also emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. I got counseling and thought I was over it. My grandfather, whom I was very close with, died recently, and I was unable to travel to my family's home at the time of his death. My boyfriend was also out of town. I sought comfort in the worst possible place, with my ex. I feel terrible and will never cheat again. That night, I lost a pair of diamond earrings my mother had given me. I was overjoyed when my ex texted me that he found them. I said I'd pick them up, but his condition was that we have sex. I refused, and he said that he would mail them. It's been over a month. I haven't gotten the earrings, and he hasn't responded to calls, texts, or e-mails. The earrings have sentimental value, but I don't want to compromise myself or my relationship for them. What should I do?
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I got married last spring to a wonderful man who loves me, my three grown children, my grandson, and the rest of my family. My children and family members all love my husband, too. My husband was previously married for more than 30 years. His ex ended the marriage 10 years ago because she was involved with and eventually married another man. The breakup was hard for my husband and his grown children to accept. When we announced our intention to marry last year, his grown daughter told him that she will never attempt to have any relationship with my children. She has also refused overtures from my youngest daughter to spend any time together, even though they have children of the same age. She told her father that she is still too upset over the breakup of her parents' marriage and is not ready to "take on another family." Recently, we went to deliver gifts to her children, along with my mentally handicapped son. When we arrived, she only spoke directly to my husband and refused to look at or acknowledge me or my son! My son recognized that he was not welcome and went to sit in the car. His feelings were hurt, and my feelings were hurt for him. Is it too much to expect that this young woman would accept my children as part of my husband's family now that we are married? I am completely stumped as to how to handle this situation.
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My older sister and I are very close and very much the opposite of each other. I am practical, organized, and always try to be a good role model. She is a free spirit, dressing in her teenager's clothes and just seeing how the cards fall. Her daughter is struggling, failing at school, and thinking of dropping out. She has been getting into fights at school and in trouble with the police. She also got pregnant but had a miscarriage. This girl is so smart and has such great potential but is making poor choices and crying out for attention. I would like to invite her to live with me, at least during the school year. My husband has agreed she is welcome to live with us and our daughter. I work during the day and am home every night and weekend. My sister works many evenings and weekends at a bar and is not home with her children often. She frequently goes out partying, and her drinking habits have many people in the family concerned. I am not trying to say that my sister is a bad mother or person. She is very loving and tries to give her children everything (material) that they want, which has also made them quite spoiled. Would it be wrong or offensive to invite my niece to live with me?
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I have been dating a wonderful young woman for over a year. We just got engaged. She is smart and witty, and I am very much in love with her. The only real issue I have is her constant need to correct, contradict, and one-up me. Usually, her ubiquitous arguments have no bearing on the subject matter or are without any logic or reason. This isn't about me being right; this is about me not being able to express any sort of opinion or observation about anything without being contradicted. Some days, it's a real mental beat-down. I've talked to her about this before, and I have no doubt she is aware of the problem. I'm starting to think she does it just to further inflate her ego. How can I deal?
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I recently proposed marriage to my significant other of two years. She accepted my proposal, and we began planning our marriage. Earlier in our relationship, I told her that if we got married I would want a prenuptial agreement, and she agreed. However, now that the time has come for us to sign, she is refusing. I have offered to write a will that protects her in the event of my death. But she says that if I die first, she would have limited rights to contest my will and is worried my family would attempt to claim my investments. She also stated that in the event of both of our deaths, her two adult children from a previous marriage would not have rights to my investments. We are at a standstill. Is she correct in feeling that I am dishonoring the sanctity of the marriage by demanding that my investments be protected and dealt with in the manner in which I choose?
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Dear Prudence,
Every year my fiance's family takes a portrait together and mails it out as their holiday card. His parents included their new son-in-law when their daughter got married. This is the first holiday since my fiance and I got engaged, and they have already commented on needing a bigger lens to fit everyone in this year. However, I have no interest in being in their picture this year or any year. They sign the card "The Smiths," but I have no plans to change my name and don't feel this last name would be mine. I plan to decline to be in the photo since I have always looked forward to having my own family and sending our own pictures to family and friends. How can I gently say to my husband's family, "Time to cut the umbilical cord" and let your children start their own holiday family traditions? The thought of the upcoming family photo is making me sick and filling me with anger.
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DEAR ABBY: I am nearly 50, and learned when I was in my early 30s that I was adopted. I became engaged to a man my adoptive mother did not like. When I told her the news, her response was, "Do what you want -- you aren't ours anyway!" I was devastated. I didn't realize it was literally true until years later, when several of my cousins confirmed it. Since then, I have located my birth family, although my birth mother died long ago. I asked my adoptive mother (who was and still is "Mom" to me) to please send me all the documents she had relating to the adoption, as well as some letters she mentioned that my birth mother had sent in later years saying she was thinking about me and hoping I was well. Mom told me she had thrown them all out! I was devastated all over again. Mom says I'm overly sensitive, that the papers were worthless trash and were hers to dispose of. Over the years she had promised several times to show them to me but never did. Now she claims I knew all along that I was adopted and just wanted to find a better mom. Abby, am I being ridiculous? I still have a hole in my heart because I'll never speak to my birth mom, although my siblings have filled in a lot for me. I was able to get my birth certificate and some other papers, but would have loved to have read the letters my birth mom wrote asking about me. I haven't spoken to Mom since, and I'm waiting on your verdict now.
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DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Paula," and I have a friend I'll call "Mark." I recently learned that before our wedding, Mark made a pass at Paula. (He was separated from his wife at the time.) Paula told him she wasn't interested. I also found out that Paula kissed Mark while we were having some difficulties during the past couple of years. But when Mark and his wife worked things out, he told Paula the behavior had to end. When I ask my wife about these things, she's honest and tells me what happened. I try to keep an open mind and get past it, but haven't been able to. It doesn't help that Mark visits Paula at her job several times a week, and she stays there socializing with him after she's done working. I'd estimate they spend at least 10 hours a week together. I don't like to be around them anymore because they're always touching and poking each other. I actually counted 22 "touches" once when I was with them for a couple of hours. I have told my wife I'm uncomfortable with their relationship, especially because of the past kissing business. She says I should stop being insecure and that they're just friends. I feel she is choosing their friendship over our marriage. Please help me figure out what to do.
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DEAR AMY: My mother and I have always had a strained relationship. She loves to create drama, is oblivious to her behaviour and makes everyone else (especially me) the bad guy. She loves to get attention and sympathy. Things have gotten worse ever since I had a baby. Despite my telling her repeatedly that I want her to see her granddaughter and that we would like to visit any time, she seems to make little effort. She prefers to complain about how my daughter will never recognize her, and she criticizes my parenting. She has refused my requests for counselling to work on our relationship. Should I leave the ball in her court or do I keep chasing her so she can see her granddaughter?
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My wife and I are in our early 50s and my mother-in-law died almost two years ago. My wife’s parents were married for 55 years, and as an only child she was close to both of them. The death was devastating for everyone. My father-in-law is a healthy and energetic 84-year-old with a comfortable retirement portfolio. Eventually he decided to try to find a companion and turned to the Internet. On his first try he found a woman with similar interests and they started dating. We met her and she has a nebulous life story. She’s not sure of the status of her previous husband (her fourth) because his family took him from her care and put him in a nursing home. Her grown children are constantly asking her for money, so she has very little. We did our best to be accepting of her, but our alarms were going off. Things progressed quickly and my father-in-law is now at the beck and call of his girlfriend’s children, but started to fall out of contact with my wife. He refused to let us take him out for his birthday—we invited his girlfriend—and instead went alone with her. Now her father called to say that he’s been feeling ill lately, with dangerously low blood pressure, and he thinks the cause is the diet pills his girlfriend convinced him he needed and purchased for him as a gift! Now this has become a health and safety issue in our minds, and we feel we need to speak up and voice our concerns to him. He says he intends to have her move in with him permanently by Christmas, but that neither of them want to marry again. We're becoming increasingly worried, but are we meddling or being justifiably protective of my father-in-law?
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My dilemma has to do with one-upmanship. A close relative, my father's oldest sister, has a terrible habit of having "the worst case the doctor ever saw," or "the worst (whatever) the mechanic ever dealt with." No matter what difficulties anyone else present has, hers are always worse. Our family get-togethers seem more like a meeting of pathologists, each trying to dredge up more horrific experiences. How can I keep this from happening at our upcoming family reunion? (I am hosting it.) I am aware that this woman is very emotionally needy, but it's all getting to be too much.
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I don't know what I am going to do. Maybe move to Fiji. I am only 20, but I know my life is over. My boyfriend, the same one I've had all through high school and two years of college, just dumped me. I know I am the laughingstock of the whole campus and that no man will look at me because "Jim" didn't want me. I am considering changing schools and telling new friends that my boyfriend was killed in a car wreck. That way they won't feel sorry for me. Can you think of a better excuse for why one would be boyfriendless?
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My husband and I have been together for more than four years and married for two and a half. He has a child with an ex-girlfriend. My mother-in-law has told me that the ex confessed to planning the "accidental" pregnancy because my husband was talking of leaving her, and she hoped it would keep him around. I was quite disturbed by this, and now more so since a woman friend of his ex told me she has done the same thing to another unsuspecting man. I feel that someone needs to put this woman in her place but don't know if it's any of my business. I think if I don't ... no one will. (She's a bad person to have mad at you, by the way.) It just doesn't sit well with me to see another child used in this way, and another good man being manipulated like this. For some reason I just can't forget about this. Thanks.
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My girlfriend is perfect, but ... Ah, it's always the big but. What's my big but? Fun, smart, beautiful, but my girlfriend just won't give me any space. If we don't spend seven evenings a week together, if we don't talk on the phone each day during work, if I want to spend any time alone, my girlfriend pouts and gets angry, or cries. We have talked about this over and over again (and almost broke up over it several times), and she is getting better, but ... I put my foot down and insisted that there are just times I need to be by myself, and while she accepts that in principle, I often feel on my guard, as she often gets extremely upset with little provocation if I don't give her enough attention. Can this hostile dependency be cured? Can I, should I, even, expect her to change? I hate the idea that I love her "except for this one thing I want to change," but really, she is absolutely wonderful. Except that too much of a good thing is still too much.
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My 12-year-old daughter is friends with a girl whose single-parent mother is rarely at home. While I understand that she has to work, I cannot understand why she chooses to spend most of her free time with her boyfriend, who lives an hour away. The result is that her daughter is at my house most days after school (well into the evening) as well as most weekends. Her mother calls to check on her, but this is no substitute for the time and attention her daughter needs.
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Just a quick comment on the poor advice you gave to a woman inquiring about a gift for a second marriage. I married someone who was briefly married before. However, I was a first-time bride. It is my contention that if you accept an invitation to attend an expensive black-tie affair that you should bring a gift of at least the value of your meal. I was outraged and shocked that anyone would give a gift of less than that. If they did not attend, a similar, albeit somewhat less expensive gift would have been acceptable. I think it is incredibly poor taste, rude, and offensive for anyone to bring a "token" gift--especially if one party has never been married. Shame on you for promoting bad manners.
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the designated maid of honor has prompted me to seek your assistance. I asked my younger sister, age 20, to be my MOH. But she is making the planning of my wedding a nightmare. I had thought it would be a kind gesture if I asked her to pick out the dresses for the bridesmaids. We visited three bridal salons, and she made a veritable scene in each one. She was unspeakably ugly to both my mother and me, as well as the staff (swearing, sarcasm, and just plain rudeness). I was deeply embarrassed, and she apparently doesn't understand that this is not going to be "her day." I asked her to help address envelopes and other little things that need doing, and she refused: "Not in the mood." The icing on the cake is that when she asked if the MOH is supposed to make a toast at the reception and I said it was traditional, she flat-out refused. Both my mother and I have tried speaking with her, but that just unleashed foul behavior. I am sick of her antics and fed up with her. I realize that asking her to relinquish the "title" may jeopardize our relationship, but I don't understand her behavior at all.
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I have a problem, I hate my brother's wife. She has been cheating on him for the past year. (They have only been married a year.) She treats him terribly, and she tells me she hates my family. I have been trying to ignore her comments, but it's impossible. Do I tell my brother how I feel or continue to hold my tongue?
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My friends and I regularly read your column and just love it! Shameless flattery aside, we do have an issue and hope you can help us. My brother-in-law is in a serious relationship with a friend of mine. I actually introduced them at my wedding. The problem is that my friend treats my brother-in-law (and everyone else, for that matter) like dirt. She yells at him, tells him what to do, what to wear, where to go, and how to spend his free time. She is moody and extremely unpleasant to everyone. Needless to say, I don't see much of her anymore. Anyway, we are afraid that my poor brother-in-law, who does not have the benefit of very much experience in relationships, will ask her to marry him. My family, my husband's family, and our friends cannot stand her and dread having her at family gatherings--to the point where we are all trying to figure out how not to invite her to Thanksgiving or Christmas. In short, we want to say something to him because we know that there are women out there who will treat him with respect, courtesy, and affection. How can we tell him how we feel without making him feel totally alienated?
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My mother, who is a charming woman in almost all other respects, appears to have a grave problem staying employed. There is a definite pattern afoot here: At first, the new job is wonderful, the people scintillating and fabulous, the work enticing and exciting. After a few months, trouble begins to brew--invariably with her supervisor. What follows is less a slide down a slippery slope than a professional avalanche that results in either a dismissal or a narrow escape to the next "dream job," where, of course, the cycle repeats yet again. It is screamingly obvious to everyone who knows and loves her that the trouble lies with my mother and not, as she would have it, with the parade of horrible bosses fate has saddled her with. Needles to say, as I write this letter, she is about to lose another job. She is 58. I have tried gently to suggest therapy. I've sympathized and logged hours and hours on the telephone listening to every sordid detail of every office slight, all to no avail. I have even considered appealing to her current employer (with whom I have a warm acquaintance) to overlook her nuttiness and keep her on because, despite her Sturm und Drang office manner, she really is very good at what she does. I admit a good deal of my concern is self-motivated. With a modest income of my own and two children to provide for, I fear if she loses this job, it will be her last, leaving me to support her--and I know in advance that I can't let her end up in a welfare hotel. But her chances for finding a replacement gig dwindle with every lost job and every looming birthday. I would prefer to be my mother's daughter than my mother's mother, but my resentment is building every day. Prudie, what to do?
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Dear Ann Landers: I am 27, and my fiance is 42. We are planning a late fall wedding. My fiance has never been married before. I have been married and divorced 13 times. Please don't ask me to explain this. It would take an entire column. Let's say that's just the way things turned out. My fiance knows all about my previous marriages and divorces. I have no children. I don't want my fiance's family to know how many times I have been married. All we've told them so far is that I was married before. My biggest fear is that somehow the number might get mentioned at the wedding by someone who knows. Ann, after all my previous attempts at marriage, I feel that I am finally ready to settle down with one man and live a normal life. I don't want my future ruined by my past. I need some sensible advice.
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Dear Ann Landers: My fiance, "Wayne," is 22 and lives at home with his parents. He works full time and attends college at night. Wayne's mother constantly reminds him that her house is "not a hotel" and that he spends way too much time with me. When Wayne and I are out for the evening, he is expected to call her and check in. Sunday is "Family Day," and his mother demands that he stay home with her or that she be included in whatever we may have planned. I know Wayne cannot change his mother, but it bothers me that he seems intimidated by her. He believes that asserting himself or disagreeing with her is disrespectful. Although he complains about his mother and her domineering ways, if I suggest that perhaps his mother has too much in control over his life, he becomes annoyed with me. Wayne and I plan to be married in the next two years. I want to know if this is a normal mother-son relationship, or if I should expect problems in the future. I need your thinking on this.
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Dear Ann Landers: I am planning to be married next August. The groom's parents will be hosting the rehearsal dinner, as is customary. The problem is, I do not like the place they have selected for the dinner. As the bride, don't I have the right to demand that they host the dinner where I choose? This is my wedding. Shouldn't they do what I want? This is the only area of disagreement I am having with my mother-in-law. Please tell me how to handle it.
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Dear Ann Landers: I have been married to "Bill" for seven years, and we have two beautiful children. Bill is kind, generous, funny, caring and a terrific father. So what's my problem? I don't love him. I got married because I had a fight with my ex-boyfriend, "Randy." Out of anger and spite, I slept with Bill and got pregnant. Randy asked me to abort the baby, but I wouldn't do it. He said he didn't want to raise another man's child, so I married Bill and didn't look back. I thought I was doing the right thing. I ran into Randy a year ago, and all those feelings came back. Since then, I cry myself to sleep every night thinking of him. A mutual friend said Randy still loves me and wants me back. I don't know what to do, Ann. I miss being in love, and I want to have that feeling again. I don't know how long I can continue to live with Bill under these circumstances. Please help me.
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DEAR ABBY: Last fall, my live-in boyfriend was abusive to me. My parents chipped right in and helped me move back to my hometown. They were wonderful and supportive even though I'd let them down in the past. They even bought a house so my children and I would have somewhere to live. This boyfriend went to classes, did a lot of praying and I believe he's actually changed. I really do! Abby, he's the father of one of my children. We've started seeing each other and it really feels right. We want to get married. My mother refuses to accept that he could have changed, and makes it clear she doesn't approve. She says if I get back together with him, they will have wasted all that time and money they invested in bailing me out. She says it's my low self-esteem that makes me want to see him. I don't know how to resolve this. I'm in my late 30s yet I still want my parents' approval. Please help
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DEAR ABBY: While on our honeymoon, my wife called her first love and set up dinner for the three of us. Things were going well until I noticed she was looking at him with a little too much interest. She got upset with me when I mentioned it back in our honeymoon suite. Later, she told me if I didn't let her go see him alone she would divorce me. She went and offered herself to him. He told her no man should go through what I had to go through on his honeymoon -- and he sent her back to me.
She asked my forgiveness and wants to get on with our lives. I look at her differently now and am trying to love her as I did before, but it's hard. What do you think?
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DEAR ABBY: I am desperate, so I will tell you my problem from the beginning. I am a 35-year-old mother of three. I divorced my husband twice for the same reason. Both times I caught him with another woman. (The same woman, and she was my best friend.) Now I have a guy I think the world of. I love him like I have never loved anybody in my entire life. I can't stand being away from him. We have everything in common. He keeps telling me how much he loves me, and I know he isn't lying. He treats me like a queen. There is only one problem. He's living with another woman. He says he doesn't love her, and I believe him. He's too kind and decent to tell her he's in love with another woman. He says if she knew, she might even kill herself. He doesn't want me dating anyone else, but he goes home to her every night and I'm alone. I'm tired of hiding, but I'm afraid if I force him to make a choice, it won't be me. What should I do?
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DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a woman for two years. Two weeks ago, I gave her an antique silver pin with pearls that had belonged to my mother. Last week, my girlfriend told me she has also been seeing someone else for several months, and she's in love with him. Abby, should I ask her to return the pin, and should I expect that she will do so?
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DEAR ABBY: I have a friend I'll call Irene who has many wonderful qualities. She's warm, friendly, funny -- and if you were hungry, she'd share her last biscuit with you. Her one flaw: She treats her children like indentured servants. Irene thinks nothing of calling a nearby son or daughter to venture out at midnight in this dangerous city to bring her a cup of coffee. She calls her children daily, demanding they chauffeur her here and there, do her laundry or make repairs. Abby, despite her health problems, Irene is a big, strong woman, and she's married to a perfectly healthy man. I've been present on several occasions when one or more of Irene's 10 children were present, and I've yet to hear her compliment her sons. She shouts at them, calls them "stupid," and criticizes whatever they have done for her. She pokes her nose into their business and disagrees with every decision they make. I suspect this is displaced anger toward her first husband, who was a womanizer. Irene's daughters are not treated so badly, but they mimic their mother's behavior toward her sons; they treat their brothers as badly as Irene does. Irene constantly complains that her children don't share their good fortune with her, but most of them are struggling to survive. They do share with her to some degree, but never as much as she wants them to. She never fails to bring up the "sacrifices" she's made for them. Abby, all mothers make sacrifices for their children, but it's the love and support the children remember -- not the sacrifices. Several of her children have told me they dread hearing her voice on the telephone, and they make any excuse they can to avoid going to her home because her hand is always out. Irene is growing older, and I can see the handwriting on the wall. When the day comes that she truly needs their help, her children will put her in a boarding house with strangers and visit her for an hour now and then out of duty. She'll sit there with nothing to do but feel sorry for herself, bitter over her "ungrateful" children. She hasn't asked me for advice, so I haven't offered any, but I hope she sees my letter in your column and recognizes herself before it's too late to become more considerate and appreciative of her children. Sign me, SAD FRIEND IN D.C.
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DEAR ABBY: How do you handle providing truthful advice to someone with sensitive feelings? My sister "Ella" is actively dating and doesn't seem to handle the rejection well. This leads her to ask a number of questions she wants me to be truthful about, yet when I answer honestly, she gets mad and sometimes starts to cry. Now when Ella asks my opinion, I either tell her half-truths or avoid the situation altogether. I'm not mean when I say what I think, but I think she only wants to hear what she wants. How do I answer her questions without hurting her feelings yet be truthful?
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DEAR ABBY: I started calling my in-laws "Mom" and "Dad." When my mother found out, she became very upset. She stated that it was an insult to her because "they were not the people who bore or raised me." I did not mean to insult my mother. I just meant it as a term of endearment for my in-laws. I'm curious as to what other couples call their in-laws. Do they call them "Mom" and "Dad" or by their first names? I need to know the proper etiquette.
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DEAR ABBY: My sister, "Dina," turned 21 last February. She is planning to marry a wonderful, sweet guy named "Steve" in September. While I was at their apartment last week, the subject of children came up. Steve said he wanted three kids and rubbed Dina's belly. My sister just smiled. Abby, my sister can't have children. She had a hysterectomy when she was 16. Dina apparently hasn't told him. I asked her about it, and she said she would tell Steve after the wedding. Shouldn't this be done before the wedding?
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DEAR ABBY: A few years ago, my wife, "Sheila," had an affair that nearly destroyed our 15-year marriage. She carried on the affair right under my nose, telling me she had simply made a "good friend" on a trip she had taken with a girlfriend. At first I was trusting and naive, and then too much in denial to openly challenge the small gifts, cards and phone calls that began arriving shortly after her return. When I asked if there was anything more to it than just friendship, she lied to me. With counseling, our marriage has survived, although it is still somewhat shaky. My current problem is that after I discovered the affair, I told Sheila I wanted her to get rid of the gifts she had received from this creep, which she had the audacity to openly display in our home. Now she has boxed them up and put them in the basement, but she's balking at getting rid of them. To me, her reluctance means she hasn't really let go of the relationship. I'm ready to dissolve the marriage as a result. I'd appreciate your feedback.
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DEAR ABBY: I am very happily married to a wonderful man whom I trust completely. This is the second marriage for both of us, so we want it to last. Our problem is not with ex-spouses, but with his ex-girlfriend. Since we have been married, she drops by while I am at work and cries all her troubles to him. He has tried everything from telling her he doesn't want her stopping by to not answering the door, but she still continues to come by. My question: What can we do to stop this unwelcome company?
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DEAR ABBY: Several months ago, I left "Bill," the man I had lived with for almost four years and with whom I have a daughter. I left him to move in with "John," someone I met on the Internet. It was a big mistake. John turned out to be a pathological liar who used me for my money. I was deeply hurt. Abby, during our six months together, he was hired twice, but was fired from each job within two weeks. I bought him everything he had. He promised to repay me, but I haven't received one red cent from him. I am now filing for bankruptcy. John told me he loved me and wanted us to marry and have a family. He talked me into going off the pill. I agreed because I loved him and wanted another child. Shortly after I found out I was pregnant, I realized that John had lied to me about everything, so I broke up with him. Bill and I are back together now, and getting married soon. Since he will be raising the child, he wants his name on the birth certificate instead of John's. John is leaving the state and I don't think he will be back. My question is: What last name should my child have? John feels that the baby should have his last name because he is the biological father. He threatened that if I didn't agree, he would get a court order. Can he do that since we were never married? Abby, should I put Bill's name, John's name or "father unknown" on the birth certificate?
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DEAR ABBY: My brother "Pete" is married to "June," an opinionated big-mouth who never has a kind word to say to anybody. She frequently berates Pete and other members of our family. This behavior is disturbing to the entire family, especially to our mother. My other brother, "Seth," was sentenced to prison on drug charges. Our family has suffered a great deal of pain because of Seth, but we have found strength in our unity and have remained supportive of him. June, however, never misses an opportunity to express her hatred for Seth. She's completely insensitive to our feelings. Although she's Pete's wife, I don't consider her a sister-in-law because she does not behave like a member of the family. I would like to write her off and never have any contact with her again, but I worry that it would upset my mother and Pete, and they don't need any more problems. Abby, can you please advise me how to deal with June without starting a lifetime family feud? --
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