Post by J Doe on Apr 30, 2018 4:31:59 GMT 8
www.chumplady.com
For those of you who don't know, Chump Lady is a blog about being married to, divorcing and recovering from a personality disordered person. It is a site that has a great deal of valuable information for everyone, but especially targets.
It is amazing how much you can learn by reading the same disordered behaviour over and over, not to mention ***how many of the chumps AND cheaters are targets.***
I thought by reading true crime, profiling books, celebrity gossip, watching documentaries and movies; I knew all about borderlines by now, but by reading Chump Lady I have seen patterns and behaviours I have not seen mentioned anywhere before. Since these people are being used to attack targets, it is vital that we recognise them.
I knew all about the borderlines who targeted married men then clung to them like glue but on CL I saw a different subset of BPD's; those who needed him like they need oxygen. Until his marriage ended. Then they would break up with him. Some men were cheating with multiple women but once they were no longer married.... nobody wanted them.
I saw BPD's who instead of angrily ranting about how awful his wife was, would alternate (gently, subtly) driving wedges into the marriage, with siding with his wife, telling him to buy her flowers and jewelery and be nice to her. So when the affair came out he would say to his wife "She's on your side! You could be friends!"
I saw how the accepted wisdom about not telling the children why their parents were divorcing and sticking to the "We grew apart, but we'll always be your parents and love you" was a lie. Because the cheater (either a disordered person, or the hand puppet of one) would turn the kids against the non cheating parent with lies until kids could cut off contact with the wronged parent.
People have this idea in their heads that if a man has an affair and leaves his wife, the affair partner will be younger and hotter. But on CL I read of men leaving wives for someone older, unattractive, poorer, you name it. Men left wives who did all the work and never asked them to lift a finger, wives with whom they shared all responsibilities 50-50, high earners, stay at home mom's. Sick wives, pregnant wives. People would try to guess what these men had in common, how they hid such poor character before the affair (when they suddenly turned angry/ evil/ disinterested).
But Chump Lady was not just a place to see sides of BPD's I hadn't seen elsewhere. Many of the chumps reminded me of targets. They had relationship after relationship with bad people, even after thinking they had learned to spot them. Spot blinding and mind control?
I saw how much people don't question what they are told, by the numerous stories of chumps who had people turned against them by the cheater and affair partner. Sound familiar?
I saw how cheaters were attracted to certain professions; pastor, volunteer work in the church, fire fighter. For the automatic admiration they get? Which they then used as a cover to hurt and deceve. Like organised stalkers?
I saw how many cheaters/ affair partners were psychiatrists, counsellors and therapists; even having affairs with clients. Another trusted group.
We have a job to do. We have to tell people what is really going on in the world. We have to tell them of groups that move through every community in the world, arranging death, destruction, terror, suffering; getting away with everything because people like, trust and believe in them.
When they turn away from what we tell them, when they say we are slandering good people who could never do such things.... we can show them from stories and posts on CL, among other things, that what we are describing is not outrageous, impossible. What we are describing is human nature.
An organised stalker feels justified in lying about a target, helping apply pressure and manipulate a target into an act of violence, ruin a targets reputation and life because they don't like the target. Feeling justified in doing anything they want to someone they don't like, is human nature. And people who say indignantly that they would NEVER.... what if they could get away with it? What if they had protection, cover and help for their deeds?
OS's think of themselves as nice people and most people who know them would agree. My personal belief is it's easy to be nice to those you like or approve of. The real measure of a person is how they treat those they don't like, those who are powerless and that the things some people do under that protection and cover they have, wipes out the "nice" they show the world.
So this post is to see further real-life examples of borderline behavior AND see that OS behaviour works so well because what happens is human nature; believing someone's stories without thinking or questioning, because they are liked. So all a person needs to do is wear "nice" like a cloak (go to church, always help neighbours, do volunteer work) and most people will refuse to hear anything against them. And the OS spreads like the poison it is.
I think targets will find it helpful and maybe cathartic to read these posts from CL which are in no order or theme but which all apply to our situation in some way also.
It is human nature not to question information if it comes from those we like or trust. Question everything.
AP Affair Partner
OW/ OM Other Woman/ Other Man
EA/PA emotional affair/ physical affair
STBX soon to be ex
RIC Reconciliation Industrial Complex
Switzerland friends/family; people who refuse to see the cheating as wrong and make excuses for it
D Day/ Bomb Drop; The day the chump finds out
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www.chumplady.com/2013/06/got-a-revenge-story/
jewells says
June 25, 2013 at 6:15 am
My revenge is letting him live the life he is living right now with the OW. Their relationship already had the police involved, an arrest, (hers, for breaking his nose) destruction of property, unemployment and alcohol abuse.
Nothing I could ever do would top what they are doing to each other.
Casey says
June 25, 2013 at 10:10 am
Revenge….. sure I wished for exposure for both him and her (she is married with two kids) and they both work for the local sheriff’s department, she was in the reserves and then jail and he (during the affair) was on road patrol. I did contact her husband via email on a website shortly after I found out which I was glad I did. I just want to move on and that is the best revenge. I really have no problem with no contact as I don’t really care to see or speak to him again. We will never be friends and it will always be just about the kids. Right now, I am enjoying sitting back and watching the train wreck. I have come to hear that she was involved in another break up of a marriage although I have no idea if it was before or after her time with my STBX. She has also made the front page of the paper for her dui and hit and run along with her beautiful mug shot. So for his original “I have fallen out of love with you and fallen in love with her” bullshit, I guess she was just not that into him as it seems that she has moved on. Too bad for him… He willingly tossed aside almost 16 years with a loving, devoted wife who had him so far on a pedestal along with the love and respect of two awesome kids.
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www.chumplady.com/2013/05/dear-chump-lady-now-she-forgets/
Dear Chump Lady, Now she forgets?
Arnold says
May 9, 2013 at 6:12 pm
This sounds exactly like my first XW. She is a “certified spiritual counselor” and director of the women’s program at an upscale CD treament facility. Yet, she has never done the 9th step. When I ask her why her journal recounted her desire to “stop having sex with strangers”, she just ignores the question. When I asked her why she described, in detail, the body of a man she had spent the night with to me, she said she thought I would be interested in how in shape he was
GladIt'sOver says
May 9, 2013 at 10:40 pm
Hmm, Arnold, I don’t believe they forget. They simply don’t feel they did anything wrong, and tend to rewrite history to make themselves as the innocent victims. They know they screwed around, but see it as the CHUMPS fault, not their own, and they feel entitled to cheat. Having no conscience or remorse makes it easy for them to casually shoot the breeze with their chumps as if nothing bad ever happened. But they REMEMBER what they did. They just don’t see it as any sort of big deal, and if YOU feel bad about it, they would consider that to be your problem.
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www.chumplady.com/2013/05/how-to-leave-a-scary-person/
Arnold says
May 20, 2013 at 11:33 pm
I missed my brother’s wedding, as I knew going would set my XW off. They isolate the hell out of you.
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www.chumplady.com/2017/10/shout-stalking-cheaters/
brit says
October 23, 2017 at 6:28 am
Mine would find this site amusing, he’d laugh, spew sexist remarks, ridicule, we would be great material for him the next time he had an audience. He’d be in tears, laughing so hard at the stories of heartache and betrayal.
Theres not a doubt in my mind he’s a sociopath. How different he is when talking with a group of women he’s just met or wives of people he works with. So empathetic and quick to judge these horrid bastards who would dare cheat on their wives. Shaking his head in utter disgust and showing so much sympathy for the Chump.
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Blindside says
October 23, 2017 at 12:37 pm
My ex found my CL book, got on here a few times to see what was going on, and her reaction was to rage at me. Why the rage? Like with a lot of things she did, I don’t know why. But my guess is that by me reading CL and my changing attitude towards her (stopping to take all the blame and starting to call her out on her shit) was changing the narrative of the end of our marriage and that was upsetting to her.
But I’m sure she didn’t learn anything from being here. Our ex’s aren’t going to glean anything from this site – particularly the ones we all seem to have dealt with, which seem to be the long term, serial cheating types. Those people in particular seem to have huge (but fragile) egos and are way too big of cowards to read this stuff and actually risk having to look at themselves in the mirror.
junglechump says
October 23, 2017 at 3:47 pm
I stopped myself from posting CL posts on my Facebook because not ex husband but OW stalks my profile and I dont want her to find my safe space on here and use it against me.
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www.chumplady.com/2013/07/dear-chump-lady-do-i-have-to-co-parent-with-a-man-child/
Eric Santos says
July 15, 2013 at 8:47 am
Moving on..
“My questions to all of you are: how have you seen this play out before? Do the exes get tired of playing games with co-parenting?”
My experience has been no..it really never stops and the best you can do it try and have firm boundaries and accept that nothing you do can really “change them” or “get them to see it”. You are after all dealing with someone who really only thinks of themselves. Do the best you can, accept that you cannot change it. Others may say that you can use the court system to try and address it and I believe in some cases you can, but not at great cost. Proving “parental alienation” is very very hard (especially for Dad’s – since as a society we do not want to even think how could a mother do that).
FTR, my response is based on my experience….
My ex wife is still a manipulative, angry and “entitled person”. She has done a number on my two boys (19 and 17 now); which took a ton of work to try and undo. She is now working on our daughter (12). Every communication is difficult and written in a matter that puts her as the victim and tries to paint me as the “bad” dad.
marcie says
July 5, 2013 at 7:40 pm
arrrgghh…. . It never really ends, just ebbs in flows in reliability.
I’ve been divorced 15 yrs from the ExH and the finale of his participating in family activities just occurred. I hadn’t seen or spoken to XH for several years and he had moved 600 miles away 3 years ago after giving his kids about 3 day notice that he was moving. Since that time, the only communication I’ve had with him is to threaten to get legal order as he was harassing me via text for a spate of several weeks a couple years ago.
Fast forward to last month. Our youngest son graduated from high school. Dad is coming 600 miles (they don’t see him more than every 12 to 18 months) for his graduation and I graciously send him a graduation party invitation. He attends with his current GF and things seem ok. I don’t say much to him but fine.
The next night I’m taking my son to his commencement ceremony. Where’s dad? No one has heard from him. My son gets a text on the way, “A bit under the weather and I won’t be at your graduation tonight. Let’s do breakfast before we leave tomorrow.” I dropped my kid off at his graduation ceremony with tears running down his face. Yep. That’s great. Par for the course. My son just said, ” he’s probably drinking or fighting with GF – typical.” Silly me actually thinking that if you didn’t see your kid more than every year or so and drove 10 hours, you’d actually make his graduation.
I told my sons (17 and 22) the next day that they need to establish their own ground rules with their father and I’m officially out of it given their ages; but told them that they may be well served to have no expectations, and that this was the very last time ever, that he was ever going to be invited to a family event that I had for them. What a POS
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Chumpalicious says
July 5, 2013 at 9:22 pm
I had the opposite just happen. Our tiny town has limited space and graduation is by invitation only. When daughter graduated two years ago, only the ex was invited. So, the ex scored another admission ticket from one of his siblings who wasn’t going to come and brought the OW and year old kid. Bad move. Truly the end of the beginning of the end for their relationship. The texting and emailing was scorching.
This year, OW is wifey. Son does not want any trouble or reminders of the issue at his graduation and writes a long letter explaining that and there is only one ticket to spare anyway. The ex pretends not to have gotten that letter, goes to the high school office and gets another admission ticket and brings bimbo. Everybody is just beside themselves at the gall. Except me. I bloody well expected it. Whores absolutely want their respect once they’ve slept to the top.
More scorching texting ending with the idiot calling his own kids immature. IDIOT
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Janet says
July 6, 2013 at 9:10 am
My father did this at my first wedding. H and I decided on a very small ceremony only very immediate family ( my Mom & sister, His brother). Father got wind of it. Next thing I knew it was him, wife #3 and my grandparents at a very plushy resturant. He did not invite my Aunt & Uncle who I would have wanted there ( because they didn’t get along and why should he pay for their meals according to him). No regards for my wishes. My mother had to make nice to wife #3 who harped at my Dad all evening. Forgot it until just this moment.
TimeHeals says
July 6, 2013 at 11:33 am
Heck, I am pretty sure my ex was having some kind of delussional disorder for months (she quit her job and was pretty paranoid to the point that when somebody spayed some letters in a neighbor’s yard with Roundup, she imagined it was possibly her ex-boss trying to send some kind of message–I kid you not). It was frightening both times she went off the rails, and both times she eventually (months into it) responded by trying to initiate affairs and divorce.
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another Erica says
March 12, 2013 at 5:55 pm
Suffice to say, it is a cliche for a reason. I believe narcissistic a-holes are over-represented in the dentist population. And among doctors as well. I believe they tend to be drawn to the profession due to the expectation for wealth and social status and then once they go into private practice they are surrounded by much less educated, MUCH lower paid, young, attractive females kissing their ass all day. This doesn’t help their already weak willpower and already inflated egos.
No, I am not saying they are all narcissistic a holes. But I will be thinking long and hard before I would consider dating another doctor type should one cross my path.
I think my ex would be much happier with a gold-digger actually. She might be willing to do all the ass kissing he expects at home instead of expecting to be treated as an equal.
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RESPECT MY RELATIONSHIP WITH THE OW
www.chumplady.com/2016/09/ubt-respect-relationship-ow/
Vastra says
September 4, 2016 at 5:07 am
Agree, single parenting is much better without the erratic, punitive, misogynistic influence of my XH. Even though it’s hurtful for them that he ran off to rescue poor single mum OW & her 2 young children, living with them full time & requesting minimal time with them. He only wanted 3 of their 16 holiday weeks a year despite living close by. But for me it’s better – he pays maintenance and I get to raise my boys with minimal exposure to narc daddy
MehMehMeh says
September 1, 2016 at 11:31 am
I’m no saint. I said a whole lot of stuff that couldn’t be said publicly, to his face. I was rip-roaring pissed–he lied to me for nearly 2 years from what I was able to document when he finally admitted to the affair AFTER I had presented hard, sound evidence to him for several months. And OW was a real piece of work–this woman did stalk me and I was seriously creeped out by it.
lldodd60 says
Prince Charming also knows better than to ask our adult sons to respect Cinderella. THEY made it perfectly clear that they think she is a whore.
Lonestar says
September 1, 2016 at 10:59 am
He has his hoe writing these great level headed letters. She seems to know all the tricks of the trade in more ways than one. She also was teaching him how to push my buttons before the divorce (light pushing, certain triggers, texting calling her in front of me) to provoke me. It didn’t work as I left town shortly thereafter to avoid any altercations.
kb says
September 1, 2016 at 3:10 pm
Yep. She wants her kibbles, too.
Schmoopie was always jealous of me, which made her both defensive and obnoxious. She started to harangue CheaterX a few months before our divorce went through. It was clear she was trying to triangulate so that he’d pay more attention to her. She also handled most of the email communication to me that dealt with legal issues. I could always tell when she was involved because she would copy/paste information she’d found online (no citations, but google is amazing at tracking down sources), which she had misread.
Doingme says
September 1, 2016 at 8:58 am
After the infatuation stage wears off they are stuck with IT. That would be the OW who along with your X didn’t give a fuck about you or your child.
Where did all those kibbles go? I love kibbles. Tringulation made him more desirable, a wanted man.
Within a year Nowhere Mans life fell apart. After two years he’s miserable. How do I know? There is something to be said about having a history of stability for cheaters to fall back on. Within that stability came genuine love, kindness, support, guidance, and independence. That is what they gave up.
Roberta says
September 1, 2016 at 9:13 am
Oh yes! The old “respect my whore” statement! And exactly why should I do that? Did she respect me? HELL to the NO! She walked all over me, inducing stress, taunting me with phone calls, arranging hotel hook ups while I was suicidal! Oh yeah, she’s a princess!
Enraged says
September 1, 2016 at 9:31 am
My SBXH wrote me an email, on a Friday evening, with subject “More respect”. As usually, he put our lawyers in CC, to give himself more centrality.
“I want you to stop calling (AP) a whore, prostitute and any other irrespectful way. she does not deserve it”
I had to literally bite my lips and only replied “the other woman’s conduct has been beyond disrespectful. I have no interest in hearing one more word about your affair partner(s).”
The next email he wanted me to call her by her name. No way I’m going to EVER acknowledge her. Now she is haunting my family’s Fb pages.
Doingme says
September 1, 2016 at 10:55 am
I was approached by the cuntress to make ‘peace’after she repeatedly harassed me in public. I ignored the cruel sadistic comments (how does it feel to be alone, your hair is getting grey) for months and months. My reply to her wanting to make peace was, “Of all the whores he has picked up in 41 years you are by far the ugliest and most disgusting picking up men an giving them blow jobs.” She was furious. My children are disgusted by her lack of class, obvious drug addiction,arrest records, mental illness, and entitlement.
oaktree says
September 1, 2016 at 11:08 am
My stbxw is not a horrible parent – she is very responsible when it comes to getting the kids what they need for school, arranging visits to the dentist, etc. It’s just where the OM comes in that there have been problems, like the time she was with him and failed to meet my daughter at the airport at 6:30 am. Or the times she has pawned DS off with friends to go fuck her new buddy. Or the time my son and I called her from our camping trip, thinking she was on a “girls only” triup to the beach, only to find out that she had flown to Florida to see him! Or the time she went and got her hair done with our daughter, then wore our daughter’s dress to go fuck the new guy. Or this last weekend, when she told me she was getting him school clothes and instead introduced son to OM over a game of darts. I’ve had it. I’m so mad I can barely see straight. I don’t fucking understand.
Lone star says
I know that she needs a relationship with her loser dad but I don’t like that she has to be around these disgusting whore. And by the way she was also cheated on by her ex husband so go figure. Lots of scorn women out there who are out for blood.
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www.chumplady.com/2016/09/dear-chump-lady-apparently-spiteful/
Dear Chump Lady, Apparently I am “spiteful”
The traitor’s whore killed his 2 dogs when they “split up”, if that was ever true… Then he tried to take one of our dogs with him when he left me. That’s when I got REALLY angry. “You’re not taking him to that dog killing whore!!!” Traitor: “He’ll be living with me.” “I don’t care, you’re under the influence of that dog killing whore so you don’t go near him!!! He’s a good dog, I won’t let you pervert ghouls near him !!!” I went nuts. I think he realised that day that I could actually get violent about something, not like the stories he made up about me poisoning his sorry arse.
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www.chumplady.com/2013/02/stupid-cheater-moments/
Stupid Cheater Moments
Jay says
February 21, 2013 at 5:27 pm
“I didn’t think you loved me, so I didn’t think you would care.”
Toni says
February 21, 2013 at 6:00 pm
You don’t love me, you just don’t like being embarrassed! Screamed at the top of his lungs…
Nord says
February 22, 2013 at 1:12 am
I heard, when I was so angry and hurt but still doing the pick me dance ‘you just want to win, that’s all this is about.’
yeah, dude, I’m making an ass out of myself begging a cheating fuck to think about how he is hurting and destroying his family and it’s really just about winning. What a dick.
Sara8 says
February 22, 2013 at 1:50 pm
Yee Gads, I have heard everyone of these stupid remarks mentioned above from my cheater.
Maybe they are infected with some type of worm that eats parts of their brain causing them all to do and say the exact same things.
Un-effin-believable.
Sara8 says
February 25, 2013 at 8:33 am
Yes. I think all loyal spouses get the blameshifting and rewriting of marital history.
My ex told me the marriage was not good for years, but just weeks prior to meeting his ‘ho, he was bragging to his friends about what a low maintenance wife I was and how easy going I was.
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www.chumplady.com/2013/03/dear-chump-lady-does-he-really-love-the-ow/
My husband is being PLAYED by this woman. She’s never been out of state, is saddled with six kids she claims not to want, has never held a job, and has a HUGE inferiority complex.
Pam says
March 22, 2013 at 9:37 pm
I was lead to believe it was nothing, that I was crazy and jealous, and then that it was all my fault that the OW’s husband left her. (She was a serial cheater btw…3 marriages.)...... All I know is that the life and future I thought I had was ripped out from under me. I saw it happening and was powerless to do anything about it.
Angela F says
April 27, 2013 at 7:26 pm
Thank you, thank you Chump Lady and all your hilarious commentators . I am reading this in Ireland and laughing my head off. Tears rolling down my cheeks (the good kind) after a day obsessing and crying over my ex -husband and the woman he cheated with who keeps appearing in my vicinity.
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www.chumplady.com/2016/06/dear-chump-lady-threaten-leave-says-hell-change/
Dear Chump Lady, WHEN I THREATEN TO LEAVE, HE SAYS HE'LL CHANGE
Kar marie says
June 6, 2016 at 5:45 pm
asswipe never said a mean word or treated me badly til whore juice appeared. Then no holds barred. I will never understand how people can change that quickly and that badly. Fuck them bastards and bitches.
JK says
June 6, 2016 at 3:56 pm
I stand here today about two years from D-Day and a little more than one year from finalizing my divorce. I was devastated upon learning of my wife’s serial infidelity over 20 years, and that one of her affairs was four to six years. In fact, she brought the man to our home during the day when the kids and I were gone. This, the home where we were raising our children. Nothing was sacred.
Still, as astonishing as it now sounds to say, I tried to reconcile. Half a year. I think some of the reasons included the same fears you feel, as well as some harmful people telling me that she was still attractive and that if I didn’t just forgive and forget it that she would be snapped up by some doctor and live well, draw half my pension, and I would end up in an apartment eating TV dinners for the rest of my life and die alone. I was traumatized and afraid of what was going to happen to me, and those fears kept me paralyzed and clinging to hope for a while. Like you, I was also afraid of losing her to someone else who would benefit from her having “seen the error of her ways” (at my expense) and becoming the perfect wife.
It did not take long for her true colors to show. She spoke to her former AP behind my back, called my boss after an argument and caused problems for me at work, and I STILL had to make myself push through with the divorce. I didn’t want it, but I knew it was THE ONLY HEALTHY DECISION I COULD MAKE.
Today, I see her for the monster she really was, and realize she would have continued to peck at what little flesh was left on my bones until the day I died – and then collect the insurance money. Some days I still sting from the enormity of the betrayal, but I’m not afraid anymore and realize I saved myself from a relationship that would probably have killed me had I stayed. Its taken awhile, but the worst is over and I’m making progress every day. But it took standing up for myself and recognizing that I DESERVE BETTER, and whatever might lie ahead without her was going to be a damned sight better than the fate that awaited me with her. I would much rather die alone than with a POS cheater like her – and besides, I like TV
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FTG says
It’s been 3 years. They are married now. I am with someone that treats me with respect and reciprocity. The whore is welcome to her cheater – not that she waited for my permission to take the scumbag in the first place. She got her first cheater husband that way too.
SureChumpedAlot says
for whatever reason, my daughters Iphone and my ex-wife’s Iphone somehow sync together. In other words, I saw all of my ex-wife’s real time phone logs. I should of just stopped looking but I didn’t. I found out she is still fucking the AP from 6 years ago. He is still married with 3 kids. Honestly I don’t care who she is fucking. She is also fucking another married man with 2 kids. Honestly I don’t care. I also found out she has been fucking my oldest son’s travel baseball coach also (who was a good friend of mine – so I thought). Honestly, I have to admit this bothers me. All this “Divorce-Policing” reminded me of the moment 6 yrs ago on dday sitting in a White Castle Parking lot at 3am going through my then-wife’s phone discovering her serial cheating.
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www.chumplady.com/2017/04/ridiculous-ric-nuggets/
YOUR MOST RIDICULOUS RIC NUGGETS
Chumpinrecovery says
April 7, 2017 at 1:25 pm
They really don’t think straight when it comes to the APs and what love really means. The day before STBX decided he was going to move out he was obviously not all there and when I asked him about it he sent me the movie invite Schmoopie had sent him and said tearfully “this was sent to me by someone who cares about me and who I hurt really badly”. I said “I care about you and you hurt me really badly”. Seriously, we were also together for 25 years, 3 kids. I supported him through three careers (4 if you count his time as stay at home Dad) and seven moves including the last one when I found a job half way across the country so he could go live where he wanted. What has she done for him? A few blow jobs. That shows how much she cares. I guess I was just focused on all of the wrong things (not that we weren’t having sex too).
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www.chumplady.com/2017/02/close-encounters-affair-partners/
CLOSE ENCOUNTERS WITH AFFAIR PARTNERS
FTSL says
Once upon a time I wanted to punch the OM in the face.
Now (after some introspection) I don’t know whether to laugh at him (we have kids, so probably not the best response) or shake his hand and thank him for taking away the financially and emotionally abusive Ex and for underwriting her future without me…. I can’t imagine going back to her and her fake emotions and manipulations. Makes me cringe just thinking of it.
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DID SHE LEAVE BECAUSE I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH
www.chumplady.com/2017/02/dear-chump-lady-leave-im-not-good-enough/
Michael says
February 23, 2017 at 8:03 am
My cheater ex-wife did the same thing: she cheated with someone she had a history with, then she bailed. When my mind cleared up I started putting two and two together from the stories she use to tell me about past relationships. This was a pattern for her, including the circling back
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JC says
February 23, 2017 at 8:13 am
Right on, Michael. “Super fucked in the head.”
My ex was outwardly so kind and loving, right up until she started cheating. Then I saw who she really was: the total lack of regard for anyone but herself, no empathy, almost-sociopathic abilities to focus only on her short-term pleasure, and nothing else. It would have been fascinating if it weren’t my fucking life she was destroying.
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Michael says
February 23, 2017 at 10:17 am
Exactly JC. Mine was outwardly pleasant and kind. But behind closed doors she would rip up everyone she had a close relationship with. Mother, best-friend, brother, father, you name it. I’m sure I’m no exception. And she was definitely focused on pleasure and would implode or explode if she didn’t get it.
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Dan says
This is so true! My ex talked badky about all her family members and friends when we were married….everybody did her wrong in some ways! I actually sympathized with her and tried to see things her way. Toward the end of our relationship, I pointed this out to her and of course she raged at this suggestion.
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www.chumplady.com/2017/03/whats-dumbest-lie-ever-fell/
WHATS THE DUMBEST LIE YOU FELL FOR
Allatsea says
March 26, 2017 at 4:07 am
My ex wife said “I would never prevent you seeing your kids. We can do this amicably. I will be totally fair in the divorce. You can keep the family home. I only want half”. She then proceeded to wage a four year war doing the exact opposite. In fact, I still don’t get to speak with my children when they are with her. Happy fucking mother’s day. Yet another day I have to relinquish to her. The mother who least deserves it.
mark says
March 26, 2017 at 10:01 pm
What the..! the exact same thing is happening to me right now, do they all do this?. ‘I would never fight you for the kids or the house’ it was only when I tried to get her to sign a legal agreement for 50/50 that she reconsidered and now its heading to court with her 60 page affidavit describing how she should have the kids full time and 70% of all our assets.
Kelli says
March 24, 2017 at 6:58 am
I started snooping when I got a text from my ex at 3pm on a Friday afternoon saying he had a meeting in a town about 3 hours away he had completely forgotten about and was already about halfway there. That Friday happened to be our youngest daughter’s second birthday and we were supposed to be having a small birthday party for her with my parents at 5pm. Why a small party? Well, she had chickenpox at the time, of course.
Turns out? My ex was going to a concert with a ho-worker. Approximately nine months later, she gave birth to his bouncing baby boy.
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NotThisGirl says
March 24, 2017 at 10:16 am
My ex is also expecting with the OW. Except she sperm jacked him and he found out after he had already dumped her and moved on to the next whore. My ex would never admit they had sex, would lie about it and say they just kissed. I bet he broke the news to his extremely religious family by telling them she got pregnant through kissing and is expecting through immaculate conception.
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Findingpeace says
March 24, 2017 at 11:19 am
Sorry Kelli. My ex and howorker are having a baby boy soon, too. I was hoping he’d have the decency to wait until we were divorced. Hoping they have decency in anything is an exercise in futility.
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little red riding hood says
March 25, 2017 at 11:34 pm
My ex had a baby with young drug addict…we are not divorced yet
KrazyFool16 says
March 24, 2017 at 7:03 am
On my first DDay, I caught my ex husband texting in bed. I looked over to see if I could read what he was texting (he always said he was texting his kids). I read “you need to leave ur wife”. His response back to her said, “no worries”. My whole life just changed! I asked him about it and if I could see the rest of the conversation. He jumped out of bed and deleted everything! He denied anything was happening and said “his texting was inappropriate but nothing sexual ever happened”. Such bullshit and the first of many lies told!
KrazyFool16 says
March 24, 2017 at 1:54 pm
My dirty dog didn’t even do symbols for the most of his planner entries. He just wrote things like: sex w/kz, bj w/kz, sent dic pic to kz, rub sex w/kz. Pretty much covered their visit! Even wrote down when he had sex with me! So insane. “Just hanging out with my kids!”
KrazyFool16 says
March 24, 2017 at 6:48 pm
I recently discovered He has so many layers of unusual behavior. I have been so crushed by all of this! I thought he adored me! He is a very well liked Dentist in town and I’m not able to talk about it very much! Entitlement? Bipolar? Who knows. The bravest thing I could do is run away from it!
FSTL says
March 24, 2017 at 7:36 am
I almost bought the “you move out” shit… but the kicker for this was that she was paranoid if I did that then I might meet someone else (she even had the MC weigh in on it and make me promise I wouldn’t).
Of course she was in contact with the fuckbuddy the whole time during Wreconciliation, despite claiming she was no contact – it was just projection on her part.
FSTL says
March 24, 2017 at 7:32 am
She was doing a spa weekend (on her own) at a hotel we always went to as a family (so not suspicious). She then sent me a message saying her phone would be off as the battery was flat and she was leaving it in her room whist she ate dinner.
I then spoke to her much later in the evening – asked her about “dinner” (she was offline for 2-3 hours) and asked her what she did that whole time. Read a magazine, she said. me: “ok… what was in the mag?”, her: “I can’t remember, I was just looking at the pictures”…. for 3 hours…
The gut was going mental at this point, but I didn’t confront her despite this and other suspicious behaviour going on a for long time. I did, however, start snooping and eventually confronted her with the evidence.
But fuck me did I WANT to believe her bullshit I was reading a magazine for 3 hours even though I can’t remember any of it BS story. She eventually admitted her fuckbuddy was there, but how fucked up that she though enough about deceiving me that she came up with the dead battery BS story to make sure her sex session was beyond suspicion….
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mickeyblueeyes says
March 24, 2017 at 7:41 am
“She was doing a spa weekend ” what is it with the Spa weekend cover stories.
Yo Yo Knickers used this one. She text me to ask what me and the kids were up to, whilst she was on a ‘Spa Weekend’. After D-Day I thought she text because she felt guilty spending the weekend with Lover boy…I got that wrong. She confessed that she was checking I hadn’t gone to the city where she was having her spa treatment…theres a joke about getting a “Facial” in there somewhere.
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FSTL says
March 24, 2017 at 8:10 am
Worst bit….. she was being an abusive bitch and complaining about how shit her life was. Being the guilt-prone sucker that I am – I actually suggested she do the spa weekend to have some time away from me and the kids (who were the source of all the unhappiness in her life).
Chumped much?
DancesWithMeh says
March 24, 2017 at 9:56 am
Mine came up with a real original line: He told me that he had joined a gym at a hotel so he could work out and get in shape. Each Friday he would spend the whole day there “working out”. He would pack a small bag, because he “preferred to shower at the gym”.
After D-Day of course I found receipts for hotel stays each Friday. He would go screw his 19 year old girlfriend and then she would stay overnight and party with her friends.
Heck, I even found e-mails where he complained to management at the hotel when they wouldn’t let her into the club lounge without him present. It was a Sheraton. Guess they knew a slut when they saw one and didn’t want prostitution going on in their hotel either. Or maybe they just had a thing about unaccompanied minors! Sheesh, how low of an opinion of yourself do you have to have to be willing to put a young slut on retainer and let her party with her friends on your (well my, actually, since I was the one mostly running the business by this time while he played) dime? I’ve told the story before, but I still would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when he found the e-mail the 9 year old slut wrote to her bodybuilder boyfriend about how she couldn’t see him right now because she had a sucker who was going to buy her a car. That must have been a bright moment in his life, and I would have loved to have seen how he narc-spackled over his ego on that one! He did tell me just after that time that he’d “decided it was best not to see her anymore”. In true narc fashion, he had others lined up to take her place. Money talks. Unfortunately it was my money, and he spent a lot of it before I found out… living in a no fault state. My bad.
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www.chumplady.com/2017/08/dear-chump-lady-pink-hair-make-feel-better/
Dear Chump Lady, Why does my pink hair make me feel better?
UXworld says
August 17, 2017 at 6:42 am
It may not even be as extreme a condition as being safe/cautious before and gutsy/daring after. It may be a matter of “always wanted to and should have long before, but never did” because Chumps are so conditioned (by nature and by narc conditioning) to put other things and people first.
One of the big epiphanies I had post- DDay is how cheap I’d been with myself over the course of 20 years with KK. And I don’t mean strictly in the monetary sense either — I mean in the sense of doing things I enjoy, and of fostering relationships with the good people in my life, both past and present. All in the name of bolstering the spirit and confidence of someone who measured her own happiness by how much attention she was getting. And the attention was never intense enough or sustained long enough, so she was never happy.
One of my post-Chump vows was to not be cheap with myself any longer. The live storytelling was only the first and most obvious gesture. Less obvious but no less impactful was spending more time with family during holidays, instead of leaving early because I didn’t want to deal with KK’s laments of being “soooooo bored.” Also: listening to the music I wanted to listen to while driving (instead of deferring to her music in order to avoid an argument), taking as much time as I wanted to complete a home project to my satisfaction (instead of hers), and allowing myself to take the scenic route to a destination (instead of rushing so she could get there first, and thereby ‘win’).
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ElleB says
June 28, 2016 at 8:34 am
My ex-SIL was privy to the fact that the fucking cheater was having an affair and was planning on making his exit by abandoning his family. She stood by him and encouraged him to be happy. A few years later her hubby left her for the AP. On her FB page she is constantly posting about how awful it is to be discarded by your spouse and made to feel like nothing. Looks like she got a little taste of karma ! Now if that bus would just run over my fucking cheater and his whore.
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KB22 says
June 28, 2016 at 11:44 am
It will if it hasn’t already. I know of a couple of cheaters that left their spouses (basically blew up two families) and married shortly afterward. Although it took about 13 years, the husband has now dumped the wife. However he was cold as ice for YEARS and she clung on for dear life. So he was miserable being with her and she was miserable because he was, you get my drift. On the outside she tried to present a fabulous life and many bought into her delusion. Well now she is on social media talking about how karma will get him, etc. She flaunted their cheating relationship in his former wife’s face and now her speaking of karma is really rich.
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Kellia says
June 28, 2016 at 11:59 am
I know a couple like this too. Where the OW got the cheater and they married. The entire time of their courtship, the OW flaunted their (cheating) relationship to the original spouse on social media. And lo and behold, all of a sudden, the OW is cheated on! Karma bus rolled around. Now the OW posts on social media how she was done wrong, how she has to move into a smaller place with her 2 kids, how she’s alone and can people help her send her kids to school. It’s a shitshow, but the original spouse must be laughing now.
Blindside says
June 28, 2016 at 9:22 am
Told all her friends that she was unhappy and deserved happiness – and that I was the source of the lack of happiness. Apparently happiness is running around with other women’s husbands.
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www.chumplady.com/2012/05/a-spectrum-of-cheaters/#comment-158173
A SPECTRUM OF CHEATERS
Chrissie says
April 24, 2014 at 10:03 am
Ok so you have some valid points but I have borderline personality disorder and how dare you stigmatise us all! I have never cheated , I feel empathy I do not act and I am the spouse of a cheat , I am totally disgusted by your opinion on a borderline, I think you need to look at the difference between a borderline and a narcissist. !
Because borderlines fear abandonment we are the least likely to cheat !!!!
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Susannah says
December 19, 2015 at 12:25 pm
Chrissie, that is simply just not true. I have an ex-bf who was a borderline, and he was almost religious about cheating and making up a story. Many people here have survived relationships with borderlines, and I get that you have the disorder, and deal with it differently, however the overwhelming evidence is that those people are awful in relationships.
Chump Lady says
May 2, 2014 at 7:57 am
Ginganear — I am not saying every person who suffers from BPD is a cheater. I am saying some cheaters have BPD. I’m sorry you were chumped. The ability to conduct a double life — the lack of empathy and compartmentalization that requires, sexual impulsivity — are often signs of a mental disorder. I’m not pulling this out of my butt — researchers say this. Promiscuity can be one of the diagnostic criteria for BPD. From the National Institute of Health www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3071095/
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www.chumplady.com/2017/01/fail-understand-hostility-mindfuck/
The “I Fail to Understand Your Hostility” Mindfuck
Wow, Thankful, I thought I was the only one that got to deal with this one. I had even used a condom, but that was not enough to stop the onslaught being thrown off by my ex girlfriend. On the night of my discovery of the little critters crawling around on me (my D-Day), I “ran into her” at a party. No, she did not have enough respect for me to let me know prior to my discovery that I might need medical attention. Maybe she thought the condom would have prevented my infection. WRONG!! The run-in must have been planned by her because she was there seemingly alone and was wearing clothes that I had given her, obviously in an attempt to get my attention. Since my head was reeling with all the “it can’t be” denial excuses (remember this was on the D-Day), I was not sure how to conduct myself around her. Then she made the comment, “did you take your crab pill today?” and looked directly at me. I got up from my seat and left the party, implemented no contact, and have not spoken to her since. I got a hoover by proxy through a mutual friend 2 years later, which I ignored. Those clothes that I had given her that she wore that night? I have no doubt they ended up in a corner being thrown there by whoever took them off of her who she picked up at the party. That was probably planned as another means to hurt me for my benefit as well. Beautiful woman, but you can’t get much more disgusting than that
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It’s funny that my less than perfect upbringing also taught me integrity. I guess when you are present early in life with making a choice about who you want to be, you make a conscious decision to base your behavior on those internal values. It seems to me people from families that “appear” perfect have grown up with the example that impression is more important than integrity.
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www.chumplady.com/2017/12/beginning-look-lot-like-d-day-2/
My D(iscard) Day was Dec 16, 2015. He had gotten home from an out of town assignment, was uncharacteristically grumpy, and then spilled the beans on Dec 16 that had fallen in love with a ho-worker he had only know for a couple of weeks (as opposed to his 25 year marriage) He said a bunch of nasty stuff that I will never forget like how I should have known 25 years ago I’d become collateral damage, how she was his soulmate, how our “soul contract” was over (BTW who talks like that!) how I was controlling blah blah blah and oh yes, how he still loved me and would I consider a polyamory relationship. After continually crying and vomiting for a few weeks where I lost an ungodly amount of weight, and he watched me cry like I was some sort of alien being, he ended up running away not sure if he still sees or communicates with that HOmewrecker who lives 3000 miles away (this is her sport, breaking up marriages) but he really seems to have lost his mind and won’t get help–stalling the divorce and being the blameshifting victim-never taking responsibility for what he did to our family. December is HELL on earth but every day I grow a little stronger. Still, each moment will forever be etched into my soul. Like I can’t hear Mariah Carey “All I want for christmas is you” because that’s the song I had playing when he walked through the door when I didn’t know he had been having an affair while I was being the idiot, faithfully waiting for him to come home so we could celebrate the holidays and soon to be birth of our first grandchild. (who he is NEVER allowed to see)
My Dday was around the holidays. I am an observant Catholic and I love the Christmas season! My ex was one of the sociopaths that prior to Dday I swear never gave me any reason to believe he was cheating. After Dday he was out of the closet as a truly hateful, anger-filled narcissist. I found out completely by accident. I opened the computer (which controlled the stereo system and TV as well) and his email making an appt. with a a whore popped up. For months I was severely depressed because I couldn’t understand how God could let this happen during advent. Then it hit me. I NEVER would have known if there hadn’t been some miraculous intervention. His email was pass-coded and always closed. Usually his laptop wasn’t the one with the entertainment system. He made the appt. through his phone, which was a govt. phone locked tighter than a drum. The phone and his personal laptop were not synced, but somehow his work email and personal email did sync that day, although they never had before or after. I truly got a Christmas miracle that allowed me to escape his adultery and accompanying endangerment of my life. Finding out then was a monumental GIFT. The best one I have ever received. Now, I celebrate advent with a faith I didn’t have before because I was truly delivered.
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Why wait for the holidays? My niece got her “I’m leaving you” announcement before Thanksgiving, one week before their daughter was born.
Having a baby is hard enough. Finding out you’re completely on your own with no notice, because he’s just a selfish jackass, is unforgivable.
Dday for me happened the week before Christmas. OW must have caught a case of the holiday blues over being a secret slam when all her friends in real relationships were posting cute Winter date pics all over social media and she got left out, and that triggered her.
Because that’s when she turned on the cheater and put his name on blast all over social media and local community forums. She was one of the OW who believes that having sex will eventually lead to a cheater leaving his partner for her. And when it didn’t happen, she claimed that he used her and exploited her and abused her. And then all her trashy drama queen friends “got her back” and went after him too.
It was definitely traumatic, but watching him get completely destroyed by psycho OW and her squad took some of the sting out of it. They stalked him and came after him hard.
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www.chumplady.com/2017/12/you-could-be-friends-2/
I remember hearing “you two are a lot alike” and literally rolling my eyes and walking away. I didn’t want to hear some half assed justification, leading to how we should all get to know each other, we should all go camping and sing Kumbaya around the campfire, all of us, all four adults and three children. Seriously The Flying Whore suggested this to Narkles at one point. Apparently we were so alike she wanted to get to know me. At this point I know that was a play by her to see me so she could unknowingly rub it in my face that she had one over on me. Of course Narkles the Clown couldn’t count on me to live up to all his lies about what a horrible person I was so it never happened but finding out she suggested it was mortifying.
I got similar shit about flatter-fuck being a “good woman”...... 30 years younger than cheater, FOUR kids from three different men, self-pity Christian. I can’t believe I married someone so damn stupid. My divorce was almost six months ago and yep, mine blames me for him now being alone and friendless 800+ miles away. He blamed OW for the divorce. “If I had known she was gonna back out on leaving her primary boyfriend for me, moving in and sharing expenses with me, I would never have moved out and asked for a divorce. It’s all her fault my family is gone.”
HER: I think it would be wonderful if OM came with us on this exotic trip we’ve been planning for months to take with your family. We would all have such a great time together!
ME: … we’ve been planning that trip because it’s our milestone wedding anniversary.
HER (with unfeigned puzzlement): What difference does that make?
My cheater pants knows I’ll never be friends with the whore…because we were. So he had the extra special dose of kibbles with watching his wife and whore interact on a daily basis for a very long time.
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newdaydawning says
December 18, 2017 at 9:26 am
Same here.
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ForgeOn! says
December 18, 2017 at 7:36 pm
Yeppers….Ditto that. They obviously ‘get off’ on that big time
WhoreNiece lived in my house. I cooked for her. Cared for her. Watched her children….
Mine uses people and then discards them when they no longer amuse them (like she did to me). As I saw her how she was with other women over our 17 years I should have known what she was going to.
I got the ‘You’d like the OW’ from my husband (now ex-husband). OW was a DUI-earning (twice) former psychotherapist who was in the habit of having affairs with married men (while on tour buses). My husband planned to impregnate her while he was married to me. OW later changed her mind and told my husband to get a vasectomy. I had no idea for months until my husband shared this information.
Friends? Don’t think so. I do not sleep with my boss, I don’t break up people’s marriages (she broke up two),
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I’m also so upset at a friend of mine. She knows what I went through discovering my STBX husband of one year had throughout our whole relationship been involved with the more the merrier text/online/physical affairs (Ah babe it was just a silly habit I got into. It was just a laugh). I hadn’t seen her for ages and we went for pizza. She’d previously confided in me about her boring, sexless marriage of 15 years and, as she’s tried everything to spice things up and is only 36, I encouraged her to seriously think about leaving him. She told me they’re now like brother and sister but I was so shocked to hear she’s now involved in two online/phone affairs with married men plus one physical one with the husband of another couple they go on holiday and out for meals with. I begged her not to do this and to think of her own husband, and the wives of these three men she’s involved with. I don’t know any of the people concerned but feel sick at the thought of all the deceit and heartbreak to come. I love my friend but was shocked at how dismissive she was, and just laughed saying its just a bit of fun. It hurt me too as she knows that’s how my marriage imploded. I sensed it makes her feel powerful. So sad.
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www.chumplady.com/2018/01/dear-chump-lady-discovered-switzerland-sister/
My aunt thinks she is so sexy. She’s sixty something and with all of that “work,” she looks like Joan Rivers. She’s a wanna be model, a desperate housewife, and I pity her fool of a husband. She is breathlessly ambitious for her shy daughter to become a Hollywood star.
Then she meets James Bond (my X-hole) and immediately launches into seduction mode: “Must Have Sexy Man, I don’t care if he is my niece’s husband.” (Youck.)
Even James Bond, cheater extraordinaire, was shocked at her depravity. He couldn’t believe a blood relative would stoop so low. He told me to tell her to stop trying to seduce him. (Yah. Can you believe it? He was trying to halt kibble flow.)
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www.chumplady.com/2017/12/feeling-desperate-fearful-rage/
I agree WTF these types of people are psychos and my lawyer said these predators are everywhere they call them “HUSBAND POACHERS”! They are insecure losers that want a man at any COST and want to be taken care of! These stupid men that fall for them everytime they also get used and dumped! Karma is a bitch!??
I didn’t tell my kids at the time because I had wreconciliation fantasies…in retrospect, that was a huge mistake…I should have told the kids the truth so that they understood that 1) we were being abused and abandoned 2) I had never taken the intactness of their family lightly…I have friends who never told kids and when they threw cheaters out, the kids believed the mom tore up their family over one small disagreement.
Chump nation didn’t exist when I went through mine, it was quite a while ago, but there is great mightiness coaching here that can help
ditto! That is the flaw in the mainstream logic of keep the children in the dark, speak highly of cheater no matter what, do not let the children know what you really think or what you are going through… This kind of behavior only extends your chumpiness and models stuffing your feelings which extends the cycle of abuse. The chump is modeling acceptance of abuse not strength.
Funny how there are so many parallels. When I said that this would be his legacy to our daughter, that he was willing to implode her family all for what. That this would affect her for generations. He just rolled his eyes and said “kids are resilient, she’ll get over it.”
My son was 10 months old when Cheaterpants and I divorced. I remember at one point asking him if he realized what he was doing to our son that our son would never have his two parents together.
Cheaterpants said, “Oh divorce isn’t that bad, my parents are divorced and I’m fine.” (Um okay!!)
Cheaterpants went on to tell me our son would be fine, he was doing this (cheating) for his son. Cheaterpants said one day his son would understand that Dad leaving made him happier, therefore he could be a better dad because he was happier.
That was 6 years ago, my son has seen his ‘much happier’ dad 4 times
Wow, it never stops amazing me how similar stories can be. My ex started pursuing a co worker right after our first child was born. We had been married for 10 years and our kid was 6 month old when DD1 happened. He said that he wanted to be a happier person for his son and he thought this other woman could make him happy. He said divorce was not a big deal and kids turn out fine.
People are most likely to get into these romantic affairs at the turning points of life: when their parents die or their children grow up; when they suffer health crises or are under pressure to give up an addiction; when they achieve an unexpected level of job success or job failure; or when their first child is born–any situation in which they must face a lot of reality and grow up. The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones. Both genders seem equally capable of falling into the temporary insanity of romantic affairs, though women are more likely to reframe anything they do as having been done for love. Women in love are far more aware of what they are doing and what the dangers might be. Men in love can be extraordinarily incautious and willing to give up everything. Men in love lose their heads–at least for a while.
He may well stick with Schmoopie, forever, as doing otherwise would mean admitting he made a mistake and that is something he will never, ever, do. Also, she is a woman who deliberately makes herself in constant need of rescue so he gets to be the perpetual hero.
He’s looking for someone to fill his empty soul and he thinks this stupid Drama Queen he’s hooked up with will be the answer
Thank you for reposting that. I don’t know when my ex started having affairs but the two that I know about started at the same time that our only son was graduating from high school. And, X had just made a very significant job change and was earning double what he had ever earned before. We had what I thought was a very good 25 year marriage. We rarely fought, agreed on just about everything that is important, and had a lot of fun together. I was completely and totally blindsided. I met x in law school 27 years ago and we wrote books together and raised our four children and owned homes and businesses. He left me and our four children for a woman 15 years our Junior who is a copy delivery girl making minimum-wage that he met on an elevator three weeks before that. She is a very dysfunctional person —dependent and totally immature—While I am a a devoted mother, great cook and gardener, a fitness and health nut, and have been wholly on my own since I was 17, and a 25 year attorney and successful partner at a law firmand was still living at home with her father at the age of 30. She’s never been married never had children and doesn’t like children.
Also, I’ve been sober almost 30 years and X started to develop a drinking and drug problem so I insisted that he abstain, and he secretly started using street drugs and alcohol in copious amounts with the AP. Three years later apparently he’s extremely miserable. But I’m divorced, at meh, completely no contact, in a serious relationship, have completely moved on. So although this is interesting it’s way too late. All the understanding in the world can’t unring the bell.
One thing that always pisses me off is when the cheaters express feeling bad for hurting the OW. I got that too. He said “she cares about me and I hurt her really badly”. WTF!? I said “I care and you hurt me really badly” but he didn’t give two fucks about that. He cared more about hurting a selfish self-centered slut who fucks other people’s husbands while still married herself who he had known less than a year than he did about hurting the woman who had loved and cared for him for 25 years.
I will never forget being in marriage counseling when STBX said “Tired Chump will be fine – she’s strong. But “AP” NEEDS ME – she has abandonment issues because her father died when she was young.”
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www.chumplady.com/2017/12/you-could-be-friends-2/
You Could Be Friends!
Freer Every Day says
December 18, 2017 at 6:15 pm
My ex slept with my sister. Years later after i was remarried to latest ex and 1 month after giving birth to m 1st child, she called because her therapist told her she needed to confront me. Confront ME???!!!!! Yep, you guessed it…both of them blamed the whole thing on me….I didn’t know about it, would have been horrified (still was horrified), and it would have hurt me beyond belief….but….it was MY FAULT and she needed to confront me. These people are seriously screwed up.
NoDisorderedsAllowed says
December 19, 2017 at 2:56 am
yes ~it’s that passive aggressive you took my toys / were mean to me / made me look bad so I had to get back at you but what kind of therapist encourages this kind of thinking?
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I turned absolutely Neanderthal on his ass in an Oregon split – second. (Like NY second only a little slower) once I found out he was still seeing her!!!!!
I started raging after I found the panties in my bed
The only weapons against the con are time and careful observance. The edge of the mask can be visible for seconds at a time if you’re aware enough to look for it.
I had a neighbor who pulled this crap on his loving wife of 35 years. He found an AP and all of a sudden, he came out with proclamations like this, that he was never in love with his life and he realized he was just good friends with his wife. Btw, the wife gave up her career and moved away from her family to be with this jackass. And the AP was oh so wonderful, he had found the love of his life, he couldn’t believe his eyes, she was so wonderful bla bla bla. 4 months after the divorce, things were over with the AP and they hated each other. So much for true love huh. These people are mentally unstable.
How “nice”, he would still love me like a “sister”, and at some point in time I would get to hear his sad story and feel sorry for him when the AP left him. Oh hell no. He told me so much stuff in such a short time that I was overwhelmed but I remember it all. Crazy f*ck. And the weird thing was that when AP did leave him, his one thing to tell me was that “you were right” she did leave me, no shit, he didn’t see that coming?
Stupid, crazy, f*ck.She was a special class of human being, all right, the kind I loathe most: perpetrators who think they’re victims.
At that point I should have insisted that he resign from his position -especially after I found the text that read “Thanks for the snuggles. XOXO”. Not long after that I found one of her bras in my laundry.
I got the ‘You’d like the OW’ from my husband (now ex-husband). OW was a DUI-earning (twice) former psychotherapist who was in the habit of having affairs with married men
it’s only when they are in your rear view mirror you realise that you weren’t in a relationship with an adult, but in my case a spoilt demented child in a fully grown woman’s body.
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www.chumplady.com/2017/12/cheater-freak-christmas-countdown/
Cheater Freak Christmas Countdown!
I look at everything differently now. I can’t unsee what I’ve seen, experienced and know. Evil walks among us and most people are blind to it. All it takes is getting entangled with one of these disordered one’s and the blinders fall off.
47 year old woman having sex with her 24 year old massage therapist in her dead brother’s bedroom at her parent’s house on Wednesday nights while her parents are at their Bible study class.
on Dday she asks me through sobs and tears: “Do you think there is something wrong with me that I’m attracted to young boys?”
Me: “uhhh, yeah.”
She’s a middle school counselor. She and the other female counselor spent time at work looking at the nude pictures AP was sending her instead of doing their job helping kids.
He just shows up at church and wherever like everything is perfectly fine and hasn’t done one thing wrong at all. It’s mind-boggling. My ex scares me, because I now know he’s capable of doing or saying anything and sadly, he’ll get away with it because everyone believe his narrative because he’s such a “nice guy.”
AA
is where cheater ex found his true luv gold digger schmoopie. The one who loved to break up marriages, and who dumped him when his income no longer lived up to her expectations.
XW wouldn’t sign off on the divorce unless she could have my Lazy Boy chair. I’d given her everything else at this point; I just wanted it over with. I put my foot down for a few days on this as the thought of my little kids seeing OM in “Daddy’s Chair” (as they called it) upset me so much. (LShe was moving in with OM and there was plenty of furniture. This was pure vindictiveness. My attorney finally convinced me to let it go. So I did.
A few days later I drove past our home: there was the Lazy Boy out on the curb for garbage pick-up. At least OM didn’t get it.
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www.chumplady.com/2017/12/ubt-tried-stop-many-times-couldnt/
WE TRIED TO STOP SO MANY TIMES BUT COULDNT
Dancing Dick’s viewpoint: ….the hooker’s vagina chased me down the street and pounced on me! I couldn’t stop her. Nor could I stop buying buying web cam hoe tokens- with our family money. Bonga Cams, and Sugar Babies hoes…..kept texting me and forcing me to give them our money. I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t help but plaster pictures of my dick all over internet hook up sites- the devil made me do that. I couldn’t help but send lewd unwanted texts to the neighbor either. The devil made me do that too.
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www.chumplady.com/2017/07/best-no-contact-strategies-2/
OR
www.chumplady.com/2017/01/best-no-contact-strategies/
Your Best No Contact Strategies
Tbe Limited paired up with a wacko he used as his mouth piece as he’s passive aggressive. She harassed me repeatedly in public, taunted me, and because there were no threats to bodily harm I could do nothing.
I called security on her, filed with the state police to leave a paper trail and she then made false claims against me. The claims said I broke into MY daughters home. He used her address for over two years illegally. My daughter was pissed as I have a key to HER home to let her dog out
The officer laughed when I said it wasn’t his residence. She alleged I had done things to their vehicles and broke into their home destroying property. I’ve never stepped into the dumpy apartment and had no idea what type of car she drove.
Last February she ran me off the road driving at an excessive speed. Luckily, I was on the phone with my daughter.. It was the Limited’s slunT in her new car waiting at a red light. She was flipping me off bouncing up and down in the drivers seat. I filed charges and that was what it took to keep her away from me once and for all.
#hesstuckwithit
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www.chumplady.com/2017/03/dear-chump-lady-husband-ran-off-nanny-fault/
Dear Chump Lady, My husband ran off with the nanny and it’s my fault?
I’ve been learning over the last year how many other married men nanny was pursuing at the same time…
kb says
June 22, 2016 at 3:22 pm
This. My CheaterX unfriended everyone who worked with him and Schmoopie. And blocked them. Then when the divorce was finalized, he and Schmoopie announced they were getting married.
People from his last job knew Schmoopie, and knew that she always dated married men, and that she has a track record of marrying them and leaving them when they ran out of money. We live in a small enough town that word gets around. He had to dump these people in order to manage his image.
I think that’s typical of a lot of cheaters. They love fucking around in secret, but can’t deal with the affair in the open.
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Anita says
June 22, 2016 at 2:27 pm
Sad thing is, I don’t think ex’s whore cared one damn thing about him, he was just something to prop up her pathetic little ego. She used him to listen to her pissy little problems, and hear how wonderful she was, spend money on her. Be the Knight in Shining Armor to her Damsel in Distress. Without having to give up the ass because “she had the highest morals of anyone he knew”. Funny how in all the time they knew each other she didn’t have any interest in him till he was married to me. Hate it for the loser ex.
Reply
BJ says
June 22, 2016 at 4:08 pm
Yes, she was a damsel in distress too and he came to the rescue just llke she planned to reel him in
Reply
nomoreskankboy says
June 22, 2016 at 6:19 pm
skankboy’s howorker was a damsel in distress, too….let’s see how long that crap lasts. I just pray he does NOT come sniffing back here!
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www.chumplady.com/2017/03/ubt-isnt-real/
“This Isn’t the Real Me”
This is what I got “I really don’t know who or what I have become. It is a person so foreign to me and I don’t like him.”
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www.chumplady.com/2016/11/co-parenting-fuckwits-thoughts/
Co-Parenting With Fuckwits, Your Thoughts…
What I so could have benefited by was guidance on the dissemination of information about the affair to my then 14 year old son. I did it all wrong and am now in the middle of an unexpected shitstorm with my now 20 year old college junior.
He knew his father had an affair but I never went into any details. Now, almost six years after d-day my son is angry that I didn’t hold the family together. He has grown close to his dad, at my encouragement and through my facilitation, and now I am learning, to my detriment. My ex is facing some serious health issues, is very lonely (his long-term girlfriend is still married) and is just an all-around sad sausage. My sweet son is worried about his dad and pretty pissed that I cobbled out a new life filled with adventure and that I have met the kindest and coolest man who digs me for me.
I now know that I should have been clearer about the scope of his dad’s affair (over 5 years) and how I was left alone to manage everything on the home front while his dad “worked”.
But there seems a fine line between being the sane together parent and somehow covering for the cheater.
As the chumps who work tirelessly not to alienate our kids from their cheater parent, we might not be serving anyone’s interest but our ex’s.
This situation is for the Chump who’s cheater’s life breaks WAAAY down, and the cheater ends up with felonies and in jail for violent behavior when his ho-worker dumps him and takes up with a new married man.
They are only 7 years old and my youngest is 2. They are too young to understand that their father preferred to run off with an alcoholic psychotherapist than fight for them.
Another idea for a book: red flags in the earlier stages of a relationship. Looking back, I see how many red flags my ex-cheater was showing me when we were just dating. I either ignored them, or rationalized them away, because I just didn’t realize that they were serious warnings of what was ahead. I’ve learned a lot from this website — things I wish I’d known years ago.
Cletus says
November 18, 2016 at 11:05 am
I haven’t read the comments yet, so perhaps this has been covered. For me it is co-parenting with Sparkles the super mom!… That is using the kids and their school for social climbing and status… making sure they are at all the right birthday parties and she is at every event so everyone can see how wonderful she is… they are a vehicle for her kibbles. When they aren’t providing social outlets for Sparkles they drive her nuts and stress her out. It is embarrassing to watch sometimes!
Reply
Forest for the Trees says
November 19, 2016 at 12:45 pm
That’s my disordered wife too, Cletus. She puts on the face of the devoted, perfect mom in public, but is an angry alcoholic bitch at home that ignores ignores and rages on the older two. She talks about issues with our older son to anyone that will listen, always casting him as the villain and noting how hard she tries – plays the self pity channel to be the victim. It’s all image management. She tells the kids she is the only one that jas their back and bad mouths their friends and me in an attempt to isolate them. Then she keeps “joking” with them that she is “The Best Mom Ever”. My teen and tween boys both know that she is disordered (they say she is selfish and “crazy”). She’s a piece of work, but she chooses friends/enablers that buy into her sad sausage act – that is, a really good person that tries so hard depth the crappy lot she got on life. What a bunch of jokers.
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cheater or child
Thankful says
May 13, 2016 at 9:41 am
That’s just like the first excuse I heard.
I was curious!
I saw two guys doing it in (insert location of local public restroom) and it sparked an interest.
This was later changed to demonic possession.
ffghtr67 says
May 14, 2016 at 10:04 am
Four months before D-day she took a hardship from her 401K and our entire tax refund and got breast augmentation. She had always talked about wanting to get them done and since she had our four kids her boobs were sagging; I never said anything about it nor encouraged her to have the surgery. The day before the surgery, I noticed the other bills would be late and there would be a tax penalty if she went through with it.
She screamed in a ten year old princess voice, “I NEVER GET WHAT I WANT!!” I grudgingly agreed to the surgery. Like I suspected a few months later, most if not all of the bills were late. When she then began buying new clothes to show off the goodies I had paid for, I tried to figure out what the hell was going on with the money and her out of control spending. She again screamed in her princess voice, “WHEN I WANT SOMETHING, I WANT IT NOW!!” and made sure I knew it was my job to buy it for her. Like I’ve said here before, she is no longer my problem and I will never again co-mingle my money again.
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www.chumplady.com/2017/11/bitch-cookie-anyone/
Bitch Cookie, Anyone?
Lost Stay at Home Dad says
November 3, 2017 at 9:24 pm
My soon STBXW said “I spent Father’s Day with you and the kids” – Bitch cookie
She sent 1008 text messages to SparkleDick that day.
Holidays will be better without her. This will be the first Christmas in three years shes bought the kids a gift.
Reply
GetMeFree says
November 3, 2017 at 10:13 pm
1008 text messages in one day? Is she 13?
Reply
Lost Stay at Home Dad says
November 5, 2017 at 12:20 am
Nope, she’s a 36 year old psychologist. Her AP SparkleDick is a 46 year old psychologist. That month they traded 15,280 Texts. she says they’re both good people caught up in something bigger that themselves – Minimize much
StigOfTheChump says
November 4, 2017 at 7:19 pm
Yes. I had a version of this. Mr Cheaterpants said that he couldn’t go through with leaving me with our then very new baby, and needed to confess to me what had happened, so Poor Me BPD told him that that was the ‘right thing to do’, but asking that they could remain friends, as she needed him in her life. We went into Wreckonciliation, and she remained ‘friends’ with Mr CP. If you have friends that constantly bombard you with flirty, sexualised emails telling you how they masturbate to the thought of you, how horny they are, how lonely they feel, then swing to looking for other males/females to hook up with since they can’t have you, or confiding how one or the other of her male friends fancy her, but she’s not interested, because they’re ‘not you’. Finally she flipped her lid when things seemed to be getting better between us, having fully expected me to leave the house with baby, and her being able to shimmy her way into the spot left vacant, and ranted at Mr CP that she wouldn’t have put up with him doing what he did with her, and that I should have thrown him out. The meltdown was epic, and totally detached from reality. Oh well.
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www.chumplady.com/2018/01/dear-chump-lady-wont-get-life/
Dear Chump Lady, Why won’t he get a life?!
Lemonade says
January 14, 2018 at 7:55 pm
So true that the very ones who caused all this pain and turmoil never get it. Or take any responsibility. I was naive enough to try communicating about it and the things kids were going through (and my ex is a therapist and the OW a psychologist LOL) but he could not relate or acknowledge how his behavior caused anything. In fact, it was fascinating at times to see how everything was somehow deflected onto me. Things that I didn’t even do or hadn’t happened. It was so bizarre. You just have to shrug (metaphorically) and walk away. They truly are personality disorders and can’t fix that.
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www.chumplady.com/2017/06/merit-badges-cheaters/
Merit Badges for Cheaters
Doingme says
July 1, 2017 at 12:37 pm
I too wished for spontaneous combustion. It never happened. However, if you listen very carefully each time they get a consequence for their actions you’ll hear a BOOM.
I have heard them often.
Had to take out a three year loan for his first filing SINGLE. BOOM
I kept my pension and he has NO retirement. BOOM.
The whore he knew for a week and moved in with has borderline personality disorder. BOOM.
He lost his prized BMW. BOOM.
She makes NO money. BOOM,
He hates dogs and didn’t want one. She is matted with dog hairs and talks baby talk to the lap dog. BOOM.
He had to go to haul laundry to do it at a laundromat for three years. BOOM.
He cries. BOOM
She gets an ultimatum to get therapy in December (he’s still cheating) as the discard has begun. BOOM.
Evicted from their apartment last month. BOOM.
He’s supporting her. BOOM.
Listen closely. You will hear the fireworks.
Free Vix says
July 1, 2017 at 9:57 am
My ex did the same thing. He recreated the domestic life and responsibilities with the OW that he blamed for driving him to blow up our marriage. He claimed that fatherhood, responsibilities, and my desire for stable home ownership weren’t values that he shared. He wanted freedom, adventure, and possibility. So what did he do? Knocked up the OW with another baby before our divorce was final, saddled himself with even more responsibility at work and home, and now they’re looking for a cheaper place to move so they can afford to buy a house.
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Hesatthecurb says
December 14, 2017 at 9:21 am
I got “It was just a game for me….I wanted to see what I could get away with. They didn’t mean anything to me.” (There were **many** and one was his ‘former’ girlfriend who colluded with him to use me).
That little game got him evicted from my home (we weren’t married), moving into a homeless shelter and all his possessions which his brother had put in storage ended up being sold for pennies on the dollar.
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www.chumplady.com/2017/01/sad-sausage-want-sympathy/
What Did Your Sad Sausage Want Sympathy For
Lauren says
January 31, 2017 at 1:27 am
I can totally relate. I’ve had a few of them, but the last one was the worst. I pray to god that I have learned my lessons to self love, create boundaries, and trust my gut. Please let me be done with my lesson. Four narcs and two sociopaths (one with a comorbidity of borderline) is enough. I’m still not right.
SureChumpedAlot says
January 3, 2017 at 2:40 pm
On a different level, I have 3 contacts with the same name. In my case the name is “Homewreckers”.
Yes, the married AP’s of the whore, one of which is my sis’ ex husband. Just in case I want to have their phone numbers added to a mass spam list.
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www.chumplady.com/2017/01/ubt-chump-ladys-attitude/
Chump Lady’s Attitude
wearerhinos says
January 3, 2017 at 5:23 pm
This is my experience, too. She almost NEVER genuinely apologized, I maybe got 3-5 genuine, real apologies over a 15 year stretch. I excused it for so long, like it was just a personality quirk of hers. Nothing was ever her fault. There was always an excuse, always a reason, but of course she’d never do anything to intentionally hurt me or the kids.
Whoops!
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www.chumplady.com/2018/01/dear-chump-lady-meh-not-screaming/
Dear Chump Lady, Why meh? Why not screaming?
Reply
NotMyFault says
January 2, 2018 at 7:36 am
Many years ago I had a dream (nightmare?) that my husband was cheating with the exact woman that he left me for twenty five years later. In between this time, she broke up someone else’s marriage, had two kids and got a divorce from him. I can now honestly say that my ex NEVER made any of my dreams come true, but he actually made my nightmares come true!
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www.chumplady.com/2017/08/cheaters-suffer-low-self-esteem/
Cheaters Suffer from “Low Self-Esteem”?
FedupChump says
August 15, 2017 at 12:09 pm
My cheating husband was so awful to me during the infidelity. He called me names for defending my boundaries, he came and went as he pleased, he told me to jump out a window. I was eight months pregnant. I don’t think it was poor self esteem driving his behavior. No. I’m pretty sure it was him hating me to the core, because if I was as deplorable as he made me out to be, then why wouldn’t he cheat?
They just change the narrative to fit their own selfish needs, and he needed me to be shit.
He hated everything about me: our dogs, my looks, my family, my friends, he even treated his own friends and family with contempt.
He had his new group of friends, completely separate from me and our loved ones. In fact, it was his need and effort to keep his friends (they we’re all from work) and I separate from each other that rose the first of many red flags. He’s always been inclusive in the past and now I was left at home caring for our baby while he tied one one with “his boss”. (Actually his ho-worker as I later realized).
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www.chumplady.com/2017/08/dear-chump-lady-dont-think-cheater-like-cheaters/
DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
Anyhow, Narkles (“the Clown with a goofy as hell affect”), is FURIOUS at me for wanting spousal support after 35 years of marriage. HE “Hates MY guts!”< etc.
This ^^^ hatred on his part, the irrational punishment he is doling out to me/us financially, baffles me. Why is HE mad at ME? HE is the cheater and liar, not me. I am imperfect. But I was loyal and committed to him and our marriage. So , WTF??
What is with THEIR anger at us??? Still mystified but off topic I guess. Ugh, so many facets of this shit…
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www.chumplady.com/2017/10/cheater-freak-week/
Cheater Freak of the Week?
Ceri says
October 3, 2017 at 8:46 am
During a wreckconcilation fight the boy broke our framed wedding photo over his own head and then called ow in front of me because “she was the only one who could calm him down”. Ow proceeded to tell him about how important our marriage was and said we should all pray together right then on the phone… You can’t make this stuff up
Ceri says
October 3, 2017 at 3:59 pm
the “just friend” is now his wife who he married 20 days after the divorce was final.. Interestingly enough the lovely woman who was so calm and spiritual is now “crazy” and controlling…. Hmmm I wonder if she is upset about his other “friends” online.. Who’d have thought that you might have trust issues with the man you helped commit adultery..But I forgot it’s not adultery if you only have phone sex… thank the Lord I never bred with him!
Mehtamorphosis says
October 3, 2017 at 8:48 am
I can describe my Cheater Freak of the Week in one sentence: He fucked my (now) 19-year-old niece in our home, he fucked her in his office at the university after she moved into the dorm, and now he’s fucking her in the marital residence again after he moved her in during our separation while I’m on my Road Trip to Meh.
There’s more (oh so much more…), but need I say more?
Cakeless in Kalamazoo says
October 3, 2017 at 8:49 am
I threw my ex-husband out three weeks before our 15th anniversary which happens to be Valentine’s Day. He called me on our anniversary from the OW’s and my former best friend’s house, asking if he could come over and have a glass of wine with me because “we thought you shouldn’t be alone on this particular day. ” my former MIL happen to be staying with me that weekend to help with the twins’ birthday (They were turning 13 and really struggling .) and I told him no thank you, I’m not alone. Your mom is here. That shut him up. He had the nerve to send me a gift basket from our favorite winery earlier that day. It promptly went out in the trash. He stopped by to see if I received it, and when I stood over it in the kitchen crying, he acted confused and said, “this was supposed to make you smile. Not cry. “
Dixie Chump says
October 3, 2017 at 9:01 am
(1) Encountered my beloved dog collapsed on the stair landing in the morning. Stepped over her and saw the blood she had thrown up all over the downstairs carpet. Knew I would walk into this horrific scene in about 5 minutes and would have to carry a 70 pound dog to the car in an attempt to get her to the emergency vet. With a 5 year old in tow. Drove off to work without one word to me or any offer of assistance. I did somehow manage to carry that dog down two flights of stairs to the car but she died at the vet. Verdict … Sociopath.
champchump says
October 3, 2017 at 10:16 am
Mine got a vasectomy when I was 46 and our youngest was 10. He said he did it for me, even though I’d given up asking him to get one years earlier.
Found out later he’d just unintentionally conceived a baby with an OW and she’d refused to get an abortion.
Classic shutting of the barn door after the cow got out.
GoWithYourGut says
October 4, 2017 at 7:55 am
My cheater STBX slept with TWO of my “best friends!”
“BF#1” and he had two one-night-stands, while I was pregnant with our first, while I slept upstairs.
“BF#2” and he had two affairs. First one was 4-years long. Had sex all the time in our living room while kids and I slept upstairs. Second affair was at least 2-years long, though I suspect longer (does it even matter?). Found out about the 2nd time this past July. He’s now living with her in a neighbor’s house (who’s away till Nov.). This neighbor’s house is RIGHT. NEXT. DOOR. to me. I have to continually see them with each other. Can I say: 2X4 across the face every single day?
Can’t wait till they move. Please…just go away. (I’m sure her husband, who lives two doors away from them wants the same thing.)
SorryNOTsorryChump says
October 3, 2017 at 1:03 pm
1. Found half naked pics sent to Ex on Christmas morning last year…screen shot that shit as a reminder why I left
2. Cheated on me during my pregnancy and into 1st year of my daughter life. I confronted OW who fessed up when he was lying and denying.
3. Diagnosed with High risk HPV, one step away from cancer, got cervix cauterized and now have close follow up pap. NEVER had abnormals before. Get your routine paps!
Deucesmoving up says
October 3, 2017 at 9:26 pm
My ex drove the OW to the courthouse to file harassment charges against me when I was 7 months pregnant… because she emailed me to explain herself and didn’t appreciate my response.
FedUpChump says
October 3, 2017 at 1:55 pm
Sounds like we married the same douchhole.
I also have never had an abnormal pap. Which is why initially he had to fess up. Then over time, he started to “wonder” if test results were accurate – Despite my obgyn and I setting an appointment to have my cervix removed because of rapid abnormal (precancerous/cancerous?) Cell growth.
But SHE denies having it, so the medical tests from my pap must be wrong. It’s the only explanation.
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www.chumplady.com/2014/09/dear-chump-lady-who-gets-the-friends/
TheMuse says
September 4, 2014 at 8:07 am
It has taken me a painful year to realize that I have permanently lost some people I thought were friends. One “friend,” upon hearing from my best friend that my Ex had been cheating on me, said “He must have his reasons.” So what does that say about this “friend’s” morals? Shortly thereafter this “friend” and his wife (also a then “friend” of mine still) told Cheater he could come and live part time in their house when he wasn’t at OW’s house in another city. I spoke to them and they said they were “just helping him get on his feet” (a sideways admission that I was financially supporting Cheater for years and he couldnt’ live on his own pathetic income.)
namedforvera says
September 4, 2014 at 9:43 am
Preach it. Lonely, lonely, lonely. And so hard to make new friends when you don’t trust anyone–becasue if all your friends and co workers, and husband and and, have treated you like garbage, and just thrown you away, multiple times? (well, fix my picker! that’s on me). But in the meantime, I feel like refuse, and humans aren’t meant to live in utter solitude: unloved, unknown and unnoticed.
I’ve realized that after dday, not only was I given up for crazy by most of my friends, but that there was an ongoing campaign to paint me as “that unstable, awful woman”. Initiated by my ex, plans laid ever so carefully, years before dday–but post dday? Fans were flamed, big time by persons who had an interest in doing so.
Sadly, the main flame-fanner was a lifelong Quaker who made her rep. by being the “person you could trust”…so I shared, my most intimate pain with her. And she used it against me, to make me look crazy and “angry”
Jade says
September 4, 2014 at 5:56 pm
This is the part of divorce I wish I had been warned about–the loss of friends and family. My ex’s family went 100% no contact with me. When I was considering separation, I called an old friend from college (who had endured three divorces before finding a happy marriage, and is now a campus minister). She asked why would I want to divorce such a “great guy” and then sent me links to sites about “saving your marriage by yourself.” That was the response I got from most of my “friends,” that my husband was a great guy and of course I should forgive him. This, I suppose, is the logical fallout from being married to a narcissist–everyone sees the surface, few see how they really treat their spouse and family behind closed doors. I was put out of a “friend’s” house once because she felt I was overdramatizing when I mentioned the emotional abuse that my girls and I endured.
Dear Chump Lady, My husband ran off with the nanny and it’s my fault
whodoesthat
Narc abuse is THE definition of frustration. I have to remind myself everyday i got suckered in to a lfetime of deception diguised as husband and father of the year. I dont think ill ever get over the shock of realising i had been played. People are still coming out of the woodwork to give me the truth about fuckhead character assisinating me for YEARS to his work buddies. But who knows. ..it explains why none of our friends spontaneously got in touch with me . It took 6 months to re contact some who were sooo odd with me it took another 6 months to work out i had been painted as the bitch long suffering sociopath had to put up with . It never ends a week out from the divorce and 17months from d day and even laying eyes on him . Its like all your nightmares came at once.
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www.chumplady.com/2015/06/affair-enablers/
TESSIE
Some in our church suddenly stopped talking to me, and would walk away if I approached them. Found out later he was telling them I was a hooker among other things. They had no idea what he was. When the shit hit the fan, suddenly they wanted to be buds….ahhh…..no.
Tempest says
March 9, 2017 at 8:04 am
My bigger problem is the people I know have been convinced by my X that my failings were so large that it caused marital problems, and then led him to make “a mistake.” They don’t want to talk about the divorce anymore, and thus have effectively shut out my side of the story. Call them Glossover Switzerland Friends. I’ve decided to cut them out of my life, but the sense of helplessness that they have bought X’s huge can of lies and that I have no recourse to counter those lies, drives me to distraction many days.
Tempest says
March 9, 2017 at 3:55 pm
My sense of justice and adherence to the truth is not serving me well, here. I demand truth, dammit! I admit to a touch of obsessiveness : 0, and have a strong desire to preach the truth to these Switzerland friends, even though I know just phasing them out of my life should be sufficient. The same trait that makes me want to stand up for chumps and victims in general is working against me at just letting these friends fall by the wayside. Perhaps duct tape over my mouth will help?
Reply
KathleenK says
March 10, 2017 at 9:57 am
This is exactly my struggle Tempest. Exactly. My sense of fairness and deep desire for the truth is making my life more difficult. Just like beating my head against the wall would. And yes, I am driven to distraction by the thought of it many days. I consider it my last hurdle – I will speak up for myself and for the truth, but need to be more thoughtful and consider the listener. I need to manage the situation better and have a strong filter which is hard for me – I am more of an authentic blurter-outer.
Reply
mavis says
March 9, 2017 at 9:57 am
This bothers me as well. I’ve run into situations where mutual friends and acquaintances begin to look at me differently. At that point, I know that they’ve heard his rendition of what happened. It’s very isolating and it makes me feel helpless too.
Reply
Attie says
March 9, 2017 at 12:45 pm
My hairdresser once asked me to step outside where she introduced me to a friend of hers who drank at the same bar occasionally with my ex. He was explaining to her how sorry he felt for my ex because “his wife (i.e. me) attacks him every night when he gets home”! When she told me that, in front of her friend, I was so shocked I just burst out laughing. I have quite an infectious laugh so she started laughing too – and you should have heard the “clunk” as his jaw hit the ground! Now THAT was poetic justice!
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charliesheened says
March 9, 2017 at 10:14 am
Tempest, I read a blog site from HG Tudor, the people you describe are his “lieutenants” and sadly, they buy into his narcissistic shit , they keep those people in line just for such purposes. You can’t explain yourself to those people, they are under his “spell” if you will.
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I had the same thing happen–but with my “best friend”. She “confronted me” at a restaurant in front of other friends and told me shed been talking to him and gas learned that *I* was exaggerating things he was doing to me long after the divorce. Unfortunately I had five figure attorney bills yearly for 4 years after the divorvevwas final to prove he was in fact taking me to court repeatedly, even years after the divorce was final, for things like “I want to go through the house again, I believe you still have things of mine”. He couldnt name a single thing I had of his–he just enjoyed forcing me back to court years after everything was finalized. He lost EVERY TIME. And we did not have kids, so there was no need for any contact whatsoever.
He’d lived a double life for ten years of our marriage, spent all of our alleged savings, double mortgaged our home, and was sleeping with dozens of other women and men…he especially liked sleeping with neighbors and people I’d run into. He even arranged to have our mortgage notarized by one of his affair partners. He tried to arrange dinner with another affair parter and her chump husband. He was a demented ghoul.
Despite knowing all of this, my friend believed *him* when he told her his version of Why He Kept Taking Me Back to Court five years later. She confronted me in a restaurant in front of our mutual friends. So I divorced her, too. Went no contact and never spoke to her again except to be cooly polite in social settings.
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Polly says
January 10, 2018 at 9:42 am
I feel for you Anna, I was devastated when I found out that my alleged best friend went on holiday with my husband.
I was totally blown away. Furthermore it was so hush hush that they had to know it was wrong and big time wrong.
Yep I dropped her,she came round several times but I would not see her I could not be bothered with her excuses
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JesssMom says
January 10, 2018 at 1:16 pm
When the serial-cheating asshole flipped out and I had to get a restraining order at the insistence of the police officer and mental health officials, my dad (who lives just minutes from me and my kids) acted like I was being melodramatic. I was desperately seeking “safe haven” arrangements for me and my kids and he ignored us completely. But, I really shouldn’t have been surprised (damn hopium applies to family too) … my dad is a narc and a serial cheater. When I married, I thought he was the opposite of my dad. I consciously wanted to marry someone NOT like my dad. But, no! Turns out they have the exact same disordered lack of character. So, “divorcing” my dad when all of this happened was more like … Wow! It’s about time stood up and said “No More” to the crappy treatment I’ve been dealing with my whole life.
Mama duck says quack quack says
May 18, 2016 at 9:36 am
Martha dear, the Christian ones are the worse of the lot. Mine and a bunch of other ones I now. They’re holy cheaters. It is soooooo scary, they are so fucked up. Do not see themselves as anything other than holy .After the shit hit the fan and he was outed my blood pressure went sky high and I landed in the hospital, the holy one offered to pray for me. I was so shocked by the offer that all I could answer was, “no, thank you”.
Freeholder says
August 8, 2017 at 7:46 am
This hits so close to home today. During the divorce I got full custody of my kids while my wife gets supervised visitation for a few hours a week. Of course I am the one who does criminal conduct with children and she was saved by the man that she married after knowing only a few weeks on the day the divorce was filed. Yet lots of people believe her. I am still gobsmacked by that.
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www.chumplady.com/2017/08/character-assassination-expect/
Got-a-brain says
August 8, 2017 at 9:18 am
I have no idea “everything” my ex has said about me, but the things I have heard second hand are horrendous! I can’t believe people believe everything they hear, no matter how awful!
If it weren’t for him I would have aborted my oldest daughter – heard it from my own daughter mouth and from my ex SIL.
I’m a gold digger. Not sure how exactly that works after 18 years of marriage, we were both broke as hell when we got married. – heard it from ex SIL and friend. the guy I’m currently dating also got an Anonymous FB message from an account that was no longer active, saying, “you’re only her boy toy, she’s a gold digger. You don’t make enough money for her.” My gut says my STBX was somehow involved.
I have a mental/ attachment disorder from living with my mothers abusive second husband for 2 years of my life age (3 to 5). 1… attachment at that age has already been formed, 2… I sought therapy because he had me convinced I was nuts. I’m not nuts… he is! – Though I haven’t heard this from anyone else, I’d give my left arm and bet it’s part of his narrative.
I’m whoring myself out…. Because I did online dating A Year after I filed. He’s been whoring himself out for years! – Told to me by my ex SIL
on my way with the kids to my sisters for thanksgiving. It occurred to me then that the only time she reached out was to relay hurtful information. I made the decision I would no longer respond to her texts. I just don’t need the stress.
Oh, and here’s the best one! I’m the cheater! – told to me by my daughter.
I’m trying to deceive my ex by lying and saying my daughters jaw surgery isn’t covered by insurance so I can take the money and go get a boob job! WTF! How does someone’s mind even make that shit up! – told to me by my daughter
I was such a bad mom my ex pored his little heart into work because he just couldn’t be around me. That’s why he wasn’t present in our kids lives when they were little. Actually, he was at the office trolling Craig’s list, but alas, I really think he beleives his own lies!
We are in a small community where he and his family are well known (I didn’t grow up here, he did). They know pretty much everyone, and at this point I’m just the local leper … shunned. I am working on not giving a fuck, but it is really, really, really hard. I suck at impression management, I just wear my heart on my sleeve. I despise being “fake” and I know that doesn’t help me, because I won’t play the part of the consciously uncoupled couple, who beams with overflowing forgiveness, grace and talk about my ex’s great qualities. Barf ??
Thank god for CN… I need an outlet for truth, and no one in my town would believe for a minute the TRUTH.
I don’t know how to reach MEH on this particular subject, but I’m trying! JesssMom says
August 8, 2017 at 9:37 am
I’m in a small community as well — and my STBX walks on rainbows here too. The added stress is damn near unbearable. I’m working my ass off to scorch earth this place … it will be at least a year, regretfully — but, I keep focusing on the light at the end of that tunnel.
Your X is a royal asshole, especially for using your daughter to hurt you. So unimaginably cruel. I’m so sorry you and your daughter have to suffer this asshole.
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Got-a-brain says
August 8, 2017 at 10:03 am
Thanks Jesssmom! I too had also become very isolated during the course of our marriage. He didn’t get along with my small family (it’s only my sister and dad, both who live pretty far), so my they stopped coming around. My life revolved around his family and work associates. Of course now I see my errors in those choices. How awful that you have to deal with the cheaters sympathy ploy and you are left with the “bad spouse” reputation. It really irks me that people don’t see past their own perceptions to what is going on below the surface. I swear cheaters play a head game with other people’s sympathy! It’s like they know how to hook their sympathy and then orchestrate and steer it in whatever direction they’d like to go. Also, if someone did know the truth about his behavior, he also has the “I feel so aweful about what I did I just can’t live with myself” narrative. Well I know how awful being cheated on as an isolated spouse (or any spouse) is, so I clearly see the mindfuck you are going through!
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Chumpinrecovery says
August 8, 2017 at 10:02 am
That’s just unbelievable that so many people in your community could possibly believe all of those lies. Even before my marriage exploded, I would have been suspicious of anybody telling me that kind of stuff about an ex and I would question their motivations. Especially if I knew the person. I guess you are the only one in your community who has “Got-a-brain”.
Chumpinrecovery says
August 8, 2017 at 8:39 pm
“Social Value” Ugh! That sounds like when adults act like they are in middle school. People like that want to hang with the popular crowd no matter how mean, shallow or fake they really are. That’s why everyone wants to believe your Ex. They’re shallow and stupid. This one hits a nerve with me because I feel that is what STBX is doing. He wanted to impress the popular people and he felt Schmoopie would make him look better. She isn’t really any more attractive than me, but she wears more expensive clothes and her hair isn’t messy. She also hangs with the popular kids (she lives in the upper crust part of town). She is a fake just like him and knows how to be “charming”. I personally found her arrogant and condescending when I met her before D-Day, but maybe that was just my intuition kicking in. Evidently she has lots of friends. Of course she also has five kids, four still at home and no job. She lives off what she can get out of her Ex. I wonder what will happen if/when the money runs out and she can’t afford to stay there? Will she ditch STBX in favor of a richer man, or will he leave her when she is forced to move? Or maybe he will go broke trying to keep her in the style to which she has grown accustomed until the money runs out and then she will leave. Such a shallow way to live. It’s disturbing that STBX has decided to be that sort of person. I don’t think he was always that way or he never would have deigned to marry me in the first place. It makes me so sad. And more on topic, although he hasn’t said mean things about me to the people we both know (who he mostly just avoids anyway), I can’t help but wonder what he has said about me to the people he hangs with now to make them all think that having an affair with Schmoopie and leaving his wife makes him a great guy to have in your social circle.
JesssMom says
August 8, 2017 at 9:27 am
I’ve been working very hard on this point (ignoring the naysayers) — it really is awful to be painted as such a horrible person.
My STBX pulled the ultimate character assassination of me when, of all things, he tried to kill himself. It is an act that immediately garners sympathy – pity – concern. Since I was leaving him, the predominant perception was that I must have been horrifically cruel to push a seemingly stable man to this.
It is such a huge mindfuck when a disordered, rage-filled person (like my STBX) does something like this. STBX did it as “punishment” because I had discovered decades of cheating and lies, called him out on them, and was holding him accountable. The mask had dropped and there was nothing left but rage.
My reputation’s only saving grace was that he left two, rage-filled letters for me. This led a couple of officials (police and mental health) to warn me to get an order of protection because he flagged for homicidality.
But, most people don’t know about the P.O. or that I was warned he was dangerous. Most people don’t know the back story. I have some social media acquaintances and a couple of long distance friends … but, not too surprisingly, I had become a very isolated person during the course of our marriage. So, whatever crap he’s been spewing all of these years — that is what people know and what they accept. Then, understandably, most people just don’t consider a person could do something as horrible as this to punish another (especially when kids are involved).
So, the accepted (and perpetuated) narrative is that I was a horrible, evil woman who drove her STBX to try to kill himself. And, on the flip-side, he’s come out smelling like a rose-filled pity buffet.
Ironic as hell. I’m the “bad guy” — yet he broke me down for 20+ years, insidiously. Until there was nothing left. Yes, I cracked. But, for me, “cracking” meant realizing that no person deserved to be treated the way he was treating me and telling him I wanted a divorce. And even then, I still loved him. Even then, I was doing everything I could to ease the transition — because of our kids.
mila says
August 8, 2017 at 1:01 pm
One of his female fans told me by the pool, well it is not nice to speak badly about an ex, after I told her that he moved right in to the OW ‘s house. I told her, well it is not nice to cheat either.
LovedaJackass says
August 8, 2017 at 9:49 am
And Jesssmom’s point about isolation is important. The best way to combat the false narratives is to prevent becoming isolated in the first place. Maintain your other relationships, tell the truth to the people who love you. And speak up about abuse. Silence and isolation are your enemies.
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NoKibble4U says
July 13, 2017 at 11:36 am
My XH was dick-deep in his affair with Schmoopie during my knee surgery (unbeknownst to me). While it was just an ACL reconstruction, XH let me dehydrate while I recouped at home in our guest room on Percocet. 2 days following the surgery, I woke up with severe stomach pain and nearly passed out. I told cheater to call 911. He just stood there looking at me until I started screaming. Turns out, I was very dehydrated and the pain pills caused the stomach discomfort. I seriously believe he wanted me to die that night. Life would have been so much easier – life insurance check and his “nice guy” image maintained.
Ex left me for his now wifetress about 3 weeks later, after we scattered my Mom’s cremains in Maui.
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www.chumplady.com/2017/11/fairy-dust-forgiveness-3/
Zell says
November 2, 2017 at 10:38 am
Indeed. I forgave my wife in 2011 when I caught her TRYING to cheat. Her thanks was to actually cheat on me in 2017 with some other guy. Cheaters are a different kind of animal. They perceive goodness as weakness.
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beenchumped says
November 2, 2017 at 12:43 pm
“They perceive goodness as weakness.”
YES! What a light bulb moment. And that makes me sick. I have tried my entire life to be a good person, chastising myself when I’d slip and be brash with people, always apologizing- even in cases where I really didn’t need to, constantly seeking self-improvement, turning the other cheek so as to feel like I was being the ultimate kind person. Someone could have respected, possibly loved even, this about me. But it actually disgusted him. He got upset when I wanted to donate things and time to charities,(even when it was the kids’ activities,) complained that I was always volunteering, and my being there, making meals and helping neighbors, friends and family going thought tough times was “exhausting.” And I never asked him to participate or help me! WTF? He saw it as a weakness. And the more I tried to be “good” and perfect as a wife to keep him happy the more weak he perceived me. I don’t know if in some way he felt it made him look like a bigger jerk, but he diffidently saw it as weak and pounced.
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Chumpinrecovery says
November 2, 2017 at 12:48 pm
Ex was fond of saying “nice guys finish last”. He saw kindness as we fault and selfishness as a virtue. No wonder he chose Schmoopie over me.
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Lyn says
November 2, 2017 at 1:59 pm
Yes, you hit the nail on the head with “they perceive goodness as weakness.”
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www.chumplady.com/2017/08/character-assassination-expect/
whodoesthat says
August 11, 2017 at 2:12 am
This is really on topic for me – 18 months out I am still finding out from acquaintances about my supposed character flaws which clearly caused him to leave me; including but not limited to – being controlling – having him under the thumb – a spender- henpecked – insisting on private schools – basically I was intent on making his life a misery. After attending numerous work and social events a few people have now admitted to me ‘It took me a while to realise ‘you werent that bad’…. This was the final piece of the puzzle that I couldnt square up on the discard – I hadnt found out about the smear campaign until I discovered people were avoiding contacting me and it took months more to find out why . This information is by far the worst aspect of this whole shit storm. That I was living with someone – happily so I thought – that was systematically character assassinating me for YEARS behind my back. Family (his) , work colleagues and mutual friends. After the final discard he even tried to go after my remaining friends to accuse me of blackmailing him and extorting money out of. These people dont stop at anything – it makes your head spin.
Finally, the LIES about me. OMG what type of moron would believe him? I met a jerk in my elevator who informed me that his wife “isn’t fun anymore.” I KNOW HE’S AN ASSHOLE and I just met the guy.
How could people who KNOW me, believe I was cold/lazy/mean or whatever the man who left ALL of his family, TWICE, says??
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Ninja Chump says
May 20, 2017 at 6:46 am
It appears there are an awful lot of these no self esteem vicious broken women out there. I had no idea and quite frankly I couldn’t give a shiny shit about any of them. What really threw me for a loop was that I didn’t think my husband was such a classless Jerry Springer guest type of toothless single celled amoeba to have even spoken to such an item of human flotsam as these skank ass women. Much less touched one. Barf
FreeWoman says
May 19, 2017 at 9:44 am
Last OW really liked poaching men away from their partners. Like a girl in 6th grade, except she was 46 ?
X told me one day that she said to him- Once I get the guy, then I really don’t want him anymore.
I think he told me that, because then I could just keep pick me dancing, and eventually I could get him to myself! Jeeeze! We’d been married over 30 years.
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StigOfTheChump says
May 19, 2017 at 11:15 pm
Yep, part of Poor Me BPD’s pleasure in her EA with Mr Cheaterpants was that she was taking down a SAMH that was “entitled as fuck, and she doesn’t even know it”. Apparently, I had the ‘support’ of my partner to help me with our infant daughter, where as noone had ever in the history of the world had it as hard as she had when raising her daughter as a single mom (And I know, it wouldn’t have been easy, but reading their exchanges, whenever Mr CP mentioned stuff we were dealing with with baby, PMBPD would always chime in with, ‘Oh, I had it ten times harder’ type stuff, you’re wife is a pussy (She actually called me this on multiple occasions, despite bemoaning how childbirth had wrecked both her body and libido for a year after her own birth experience, and knowing that I was dealing with perinatal anxiety issues that I was receiving professional help for)) so she was entitled to take whatever she wanted, I guess because I deserved to have taste of what life had been like for her. Never mind she is a hot mess who couldn’t keep a normal relationship together to save her life, but nooo, I deserved to be taken down, obviously because she liked the look of our relationship, and thought she could just slot in there.
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Ninja Chump says
May 20, 2017 at 7:39 am
Stig, OW totally fascinate me in an abstract psychological way. They appear obsessed with the wife way more than they are obsessed with the man they’re banging. Whether they know her or whether she’s a stranger doesn’t seem to matter it’s the wife that consumes their thoughts. They have more issues than The New York Times. Pffftttt
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FreeWoman says
May 20, 2017 at 8:58 am
LOL, this reminded me of when OW was desperately trying to get my X, she started dressing like me! I work in healthcare, and she started walking around in blue scrubs, I almost spit out my coffee when I looked across the street! She didn’t work, her previous job was bookkeeping. She must have been trying to figure out why X wouldn’t leave me, so started trying to look like me. I could have told her, the reason was CAKE, and she had joined the harem ?
yooper01 says
May 22, 2017 at 7:11 am
The OW in my case tried to immolate me right down to my hobbies. She changed her appearance to look like me. So much so when my husband posted a picture of her on Facebook our friends thought it was picture of me. I’ve hunted most of my life. The OW has never touched a rifle. Low and behold she drags my husband to a gun show to pick out a hunting rifle for her. It’s been 4-5 yrs since she has purchased it and she has never been in the woods hunting. My X is of Finnish decent. she now states she is Finnish also. She is of Scottish decent. They tend to mirror what their romantic interest is looking for in a partner. What better target then the wife/husband. I’m sure if I would of bragged I had a large boil on my ass my husband loved to fondle she would of produced one also.
StigOfTheChump says
May 20, 2017 at 11:34 pm
That is hella creepy, Free!
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StigOfTheChump says
May 20, 2017 at 11:33 pm
I know Ninja, it’s like some kind of primal female jealousy with some of them, that THEY SHOULD have had the kind of life we’re living, thinking it somehow magically appeared out of thin air, totally missing any point of how much blood sweat and tears have been put into building a good life, and the kind of investment that goes into the relationship with the partner, kids, the sacrifices involved. It pleases me though that they think this is some kind of self supporting system held together by unicorn tears and luck, because they just seem so damn puzzled when it implodes on them in a heap, because they won’t put any effort in.
Anita says
May 21, 2017 at 7:18 am
The ex’s whore in my case was a delusional hot mess, as well. I talked to her once, on the phone, that was all I could stomach. She called ME a c$#t, threatened me, told me how fat, lazy, jealous, insecure I was. And that she HATED me. WHY does this chick Hate me?? That doesn’t even make sense. I believe it is because ow are the jealous, insecure ones. She was a fucked up mess at any rate. That one conversation changed the entire way I viewed my ex and our marriage cause only a loser would have gotten involved with that whore, married or not.
StigOfTheChump says
May 22, 2017 at 1:50 am
Anita, that is scary. Poor Me BPD would rattle the cage when angry with Mr Cheaterpants and make threats (to him) that if we ever came face to face I had better watch out, she would bring the crazy and I would come off second best. However, the one time she threatened to get in touch with me she sent a weak-ass message disavowing any action on her part and saying that Mr Cheaterpants wasn’t her type. And the other time I got in touch with her to have a civil conversation about monies lent, she told me to stop harrassing her. Haha, these people. So I’m glad she was all bark and I didn’t have the horrible experience you did. But yeah, deluded, big time, all of them.
Anita says
May 22, 2017 at 4:45 am
Thank you, Stigof the chump. Oh, I never heard another word out of that whore. She changed her phone, number after that. I know this because I caught creepy cheater contacting her after that and got rid of his loser ass.
Even though we had mutual friends, she makes herself very scarce like the cockroach she is. She’s like a low rent fucking ghost. I think it shocked her I called her cause under the Ric advice of “Don’t contact AP, they will hurt you…”. Everything they tell you is designed to keep you in the cheater triangle. I wish I’d confronted the slut years before I did. Someone I’d convinced myself she was some sort of glamorous career woman when she was a desperate middle age whore nobody wanted except for an easy lay.
Anita says
May 22, 2017 at 4:49 am
Sorry, I forgot to say that she got away with me not confronting her for so long due to the RIC that it had to have shocked her when I did. It disgusts me I didn’t call her and tell her she could have his nasty cheating ass, which is what I told her when I did call.
StigOfTheChump says
May 22, 2017 at 1:52 am
And yes, you do end up thinking so much less of your cheater (Apart from all the other shit) when the person they choose to get involved in is absolutely crazy…
Anita says
May 22, 2017 at 4:54 am
Yes, that’s exactly how I felt. This crazy pathetic whore is your Dream Girl? Seriously??? Of course, from the fact that I could not get rid of him , like all the rest of these cake eaters, he knew she wasn’t all that. He just liked to make me think she was.
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www.chumplady.com/2017/05/stupid-shit-schmoopies-say/
kb says
May 19, 2017 at 9:04 am
In my case, I had access to CheaterX’s texts with Schmoopie. I always refer to her as Schmoopie by the way. My lawyer liked the term so much she’s using it with her other clients who’ve experienced infidelity. Anyway, I started taking screens of the conversations with my own phone because I wanted to remind myself that this really was happening, and that when CheaterX started treating me nicely, he was lying to me.
Their texts were penned by adolescents on a steady diet of teen romances. Here’s a sample:
Schmoopie to CheaterX:
I want to be with you and only you there is no one else and will not be I believe you are my soul mate it just kills me I can’t love you and be with you I guess I will have to find you in another life time you are everything to me
Then there’s this sort of exchange. Schmoopie had just sent him some photos off her.
Schmoopie: You should have a total of 4 new pictures. I thought you might like them.
CheaterX: Beautiful.
Schmoopie: I am so glad you think that about me. I think I am down to earth beauty.
This was typical of pretty much everything they wrote to each other.
For what it’s worth, she moved into the marital home the day after I moved out. They were married 3 months later. That was about a year ago. She moved out in February to be with the married man who was having an affair with her about 7 years ago or so. She filed for divorce last month, not even a year after she married CheaterX. It is highly likely that she was cheating on CheaterX at the same time he was cheating on me.
BeowulfSabrina says
May 19, 2017 at 10:03 am
Whore’s a serial homewrecker (4 short term marriages/broke up 3 other marriages/takes their $$) so learned to be careful about what she put in writing and didn’t find her responses.
NotYourPlanB says
May 19, 2017 at 10:05 am
(Repeated by STBX) “She thinks you and your family only care about money”…(this after I was upset he’d kept 5 figures of secret debt from me).